Need to have a sit-down

[luise.volta]

If you absolutely must send a letter...don't. It will make it worse because no matter what you write the message is going to be seen as criticism.

[holliberri]

Given all of that...I always wonder...and I do this myself...

Why do we get upset when someone who doesn't treat us right in the first place does not show up? If I told them my feelings about showing up and they DID listen and started showing up but were still treating me that way....would I have a good time?

It might be easier to just address their poor behavior when they DO finally show up right then and there...when they actually show up with uninvited people/complain/or are condescending.

[AnonymousDIL]

How were they able to crash?

Well, My BFF and my SIL are Sisters. AND BFF lives with SIL. However, I do have BFF over for dinner almost every Thursday. Soooo, it isn't like they crash all the time.

[luise.volta]

Pretty complex! The one think I know is that you can't make people be any different than they are. They aren't going to change to please you/me. All that to possible is to work with our own reactions and to create and enforce boundaries that work for us.

[Scoop]

ADIL - do you have a week before you can do this?

Try reading "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner.  It really is a good book about expressing your anger.  It validates your feelings of anger, and explains that under-reacting is just as bad as over-reacting to your feelings of anger.  When you under-reacting, you hold on to all of these feelings of resentment and you re-hash it over and over and then the next tiny thing happens and you blow up and over-react.  And then you have to eat crow, because you over-reacted and cursed.  The trick is to react appropriately.  And when you do this, you don't feel guilty for over-reacting or resentment for under-reacting - you feel GOOD.  (It really is such a great feeling.)

So, please take some time on this.  You really are at a fork in the road and if you confront them, it could go really well and clear the air or it could go south fast.

Go back and re-read what you've posted about your DB, because at one point, you said "they weren't angry, they really were just busy".  If you can come at this in a way that makes you both want to work together, it will go better.

The one thing I took away from our pre-marriage course was the idea that DH and I would have periods of being in-sync and periods of being out-of-sync and that eventually we would be in-sync again.  I think it's a good way to look at things, you and your DB may not necessarily be drifting apart, you may just be out-of-sync.  Don't worry, it can come back. 

One more thing, is your DB older or younger?  If he's older, he might be stuck in the idea of being "the big brother" who's always right ect.  If he's younger, he may be finding the role of "little brother who doesn't know anything" constricting.

Just something else for you to think about.

[holliberri]

The in-sync/out-of-sync is a really good point. Sometimes DH and I just have it, other times we don't. This has been the same for a lot of people in my life. Patience and understanding sees me through to the in-sync parts again.

[AnonymousDIL]

He has the "older brother is always right" syndrome coupled with the "dad died so I am the man in charge of the family" syndrome....

[LaurieS]

hey Scoop.. where did you find the pre-marriage course?  I suggested one for my dd and her bf but not sure where to start looking.

Adil.. you can see perfectly well where your brother is coming from, so you have a head start.. I'd try the book.. I think I might try the book.. finding that right amount of intensity seems to be my downfall

[LaurieS]

Scoop have you read any of her other books, she has a series of them

[AnonymousDIL]

I've ordered the book. Soooo, will wait until I read it to do anything.

Mark Grungor's "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marraige" is awesome. It really helps to see how the male brain works in comparison to the female brain. It has helped me be more understanding of DH. He isn't trying to upset me. He is just wired differently.

[Scoop]

1- We had to take a marriage preparation course because we got married Catholic.  I believe it's offered at most every church.  I have to say we thought it was really lame.  But I did take that one nugget of advice to heart and it has served me well.

2- I didn't realize Harriet Lerner had more books, I'll definitely go look them up.

ADIL - your poor brother!  Male-brain, older-brother, Dad-died-while-he-was-young, married-and-head-of-his-own-family-now, there are certainly a MESS of hurdles for your relationship with him right now.

I think you should laugh your way to a better relationship with your brother too.  It's better than the alternative!

[pam1]

At one time some Catholic churches offered pre-marital counseling to non-Catholics as well.  And for a fee.  I don't know if they are still doing it but I heard that they were good. 

[AnonymousDIL]

ADIL - your poor brother!  Male-brain, older-brother, Dad-died-while-he-was-young, married-and-head-of-his-own-family-now, there are certainly a MESS of hurdles for your relationship with him right now.

Our dad died when he was 19 and I was 17 (2 days before my 18th b-day) A "replacement" father wasn't needed or wanted. I think he reallly needs to chill. (And between you and me, SIL is "head" off their family. He is sooo whipped!)

We had to do the pre-marraige course too. Ours was also LAME. It didn't prepare us at all. We found this one after we got married. Sure wish we would have had it before lol

I've started laughing at all the crazy stuff MIL/SIL do... I don't know how I got to that point though. If I could get there with my DB, things would probably be better.

[pam1]

It'll probably just take a little time ADIL.  You've got a sense of humor, it'll start coming to you.  It really helped me when I saw I wasn't the only one who had issues with them.  Now my MIL's "target" is a 5 year old girl.  **shaking my head** 

[Scoop]

ADIL - my Dad died 2 years ago, when my brother was 40 and I was 37 and my brother *STILL* pulled the "Man of the Family" act.  I think it's natural to them.  At the time, my Mom and I just rolled our eyes and let him do what he needed to do. 

And also, I'm sure it's frustrating for him to WANT to be the man of HIS family but having to compete with SIL for it.  How long have they been married again?  My Mom always said that it takes 3 years to find out how you will actually be as a married couple.  The first year, you're on your best behaviour because you want it to 'work' so badly.  The second year, it's not so critical, so you let things slide a bit and the third year is when you're being totally yourself.  So maybe DB and SIL are still negotiating things between themselves.

I hope you don't think I'm defending your brother.  I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here, trying to get you to see it from a different perspective.