Need to have a sit-down

[pam1]

ADIL, sometimes it's better not to speak either.  Trust me lol

That's why I was asking what they were doing.  If it's not hanging out with you enough, you know I wouldn't bring it up.  I also wouldn't schedule anything with them, let them come to you.  Sometimes people don't know how to ask for space so they behave poorly to push people away.  It may have nothing to do with you at all.

[AnonymousDIL]

ADIL, can I ask what they're specifically doing?

Anytime we see them, they have the condescending attitude that they are better than everyone else around them. They make the little snide comments indicating as much. My brother always has to be right about anything and everything. I am a tax accountant and DB will argue with me over tax stuff that I deal with on a daily basis. I just drop it and let him live in ignorance, but it is really starting to make me angry.

My SIL also feels that the world should and does revolve around her. I had a game night at my apartment once and SIL (without asking if it would be okay) invited some of her friends that I didn't even know. She knew that it wasn't a "public" kind of event, but SIL does what SIL wants and no one dares to cross her. At every event that I plan she somehow gets people treating her like the hostess. She sent a thank you to my wedding photographer for doing the wedding on such a short notice for HER (not me, HER. In the photos it sure looks like I'm the bride). Um, It was MY wedding, and I already thanked the photographer. It had nothing to do with my SIL. When we camp she invites her friends to come out and eat our food. (each couple is responsible for dinner for a night. I plan for the people who were invited, not for her extras).

Last year for my mom's b-day, DH and I decided to have a new family photo taken. Somehow, I don't know how, my SIL was the one who decided what we would wear. It was UGLY! I refused to wear it. I didn't know how a gift for my mom from me wound up with her deciding what it would look like.

If he wasn't my brother and she wasn't his wife, I would have cut these people out of my life a loooooong time ago. 

[AnonymousDIL]

And I hated the comments they made when we got our puppy. My brother is a cat person (I don't particularly like cats). He did not "approve" of us getting a dog. We had to have a very scaled back 1st Christmas due to lack of funds, but DH and I had decided that we wouldn't get anything for each other and would get a puppy. We found an adorable pup on craigslist. Soooo, my brother (who somehow thinks he is our financial advisor) starts with the 20 questions about How much did you pay for him? (None of his business, but it was only $75. It is not his decision how we spend our money!) and ending with the He will eat you out of house and home. Really? One dog will eat us out of house and home?

We just made a decision that HE didn't approve of so we must meet his wrath? It's like he has turned into my MIL!

[pam1]

ADIL, we need to swap crazy SIL's stories sometime lol.  I've got a doozy of one that makes MIL look sane

Personally, I just back off from relationships like that.  I've never found a person that you could actually talk to who behaves like that and who won't attack you instead.  The only thing I know of is to nip it in the bud, right then and there and voice it.  I think there isn't anything rude about saying, no I will not wear that, it's a Mothers Day gift for Mom, she's ok with our clothing choices etc.  And dropping it.

My crazy SIL likes to make us sit in assigned seats at dinner.  Ok, fair enough right?  Some families do that.  Ahhh but there is a catch, she doesn't tell you there is assigned seats until AFTER you've seated with your food.  Then cries, I mean BAWLS that you didn't sit in the right spot.  A 40 year old woman.

[AnonymousDIL]

Must calm down.... Breathe....

So...
1. Call (do not write) them and invite them for dinner so we can talk in person
2. Practice What to say
3 Practice what to say without any curse words lol
4 Practice what to say without raising my voice
5 Practice what to say without Losing my voice lol
6 Prepare for the possibility that it could be the last time that I see my brother. 

[AnonymousDIL]

I've never found a person that you could actually talk to who behaves like that and who won't attack you instead.  The only thing I know of is to nip it in the bud, right then and there and voice it. 

So, I really just need to truly, honestly voice how I fell about it because if I don't I am enabling her to be the Queen Bee she thinks she is.....

[LaurieS]

We just made a decision that HE didn't approve of so we must meet his wrath? It's like he has turned into my MIL!

hey hey hey.. not ever negative action earns the title of MIL   he was behaving in a superior manner, he was being arrogant .. but none of these things necessarily equal a MIL

[free_at_last]

I agree with Pam....it may be better not to say anything at all and let them come to you.  It doesn't sound like they are all that pleasant to be around anyway and you might find that you enjoy having a break from them.  It also gives you time to prepare yourself for when they eventually ask you why the invites have stopped and decide how you want to respond and practice it.  My SILs were bullies (like the rest of their family with the exception of my DH), it took a long time for me to grow a backbone and stop letting one of them in particular walk all over me because I am not good at confrontation, either.  You don't have to put up with their treatment just because he's your brother. 

[AnonymousDIL]

We just made a decision that HE didn't approve of so we must meet his wrath? It's like he has turned into my MIL!

hey hey hey.. not ever negative action earns the title of MIL   he was behaving in a superior manner, he was being arrogant .. but none of these things necessarily equal a MIL

I did say MY MIL lol and it just hit me how many qualities they really share... And his wife, DH said last night how much she is starting to act like his sister! LOL

[LaurieS]

ok Adil.. just practicing here

[AnonymousDIL]

I agree with Pam....it may be better not to say anything at all and let them come to you.  It doesn't sound like they are all that pleasant to be around anyway and you might find that you enjoy having a break from them.  It also gives you time to prepare yourself for when they eventually ask you why the invites have stopped and decide how you want to respond and practice it.  My SILs were bullies (like the rest of their family with the exception of my DH), it took a long time for me to grow a backbone and stop letting one of them in particular walk all over me because I am not good at confrontation, either.  You don't have to put up with their treatment just because he's your brother.

It's funny. This is what we had chosen to do. Then they crashed my plans last night. It wasn't even a movie they wanted to see.

I'll admit it. I'm a HUGE Rob Pattinson fan. So my BFF (also huge fan) made plans to see Water for Elephants. SIL HATES Rob. Sooo She wasn't invited to our little drool fest. Well, she crashed (with DB) and the night ended with her saying how bad it was blah blah blah. We knew she wouldn't like it, that's why we didn't invite her!

[pam1]

I've never found a person that you could actually talk to who behaves like that and who won't attack you instead.  The only thing I know of is to nip it in the bud, right then and there and voice it. 

So, I really just need to truly, honestly voice how I fell about it because if I don't I am enabling her to be the Queen Bee she thinks she is.....

Well no, you don't have to tell her how you truly feel.  It would probably feel very good to do so and if you mess up and let loose on her, I will buy you an ice cream.  BTDT

I meant more along the lines when she does something just verbally correct her on the spot.  "Why would I do that?"  is a very good way to stop someone in their tracks.  The more you try explaining the more people take it as a debate to tell you what you've done wrong.  "No" is also a complete sentence.  "That's an interesting assumption" is also another very polite term, it's great to use when someone is trying to discuss your finances or tell you what to do.

Or silence and a raised eyebrow. 

[LaurieS]

adil.. you have so much tension going on in your extended family.. mil divorce.. fil, sil.. I think this could escalate faster then you anticipate.. I mean really so what they invited themselves to the movie..

Oh speaking of movies.. my son's plane has landed... he is going to a movie with his sister tonight, they are doing an adult G rated evening since he is now taking some kind of medicine and can not drink for the next 9 months... then I'm picking him up Friday.. this is the first in 18 months that we will see him for more then a half day.

Dail.. don't do anything to push your brother away at this time.. if your mom has an issue with him.. let her deal with it... you just suck it up and see if things improve.

[pam1]

You know ADIL, when someone crosses my boundaries I take that as a learning experience.  So they crashed your movie night, I'd think it over and fix how they were able to do it in the first place if it bothered me enough.

[free_at_last]

The way to avoid people crashing and ruining your evening is to not tell anyone what you have planned except those that need to know.  If they coincidentally showed up at the same movie as you then there isn't much you can do about it except smile and make the best of it, but if they knew your plans and showed up trying to ruin your night, then there are ways to avoid it happening again.  They aren't respecting boundaries from what you have said here...bringing extra people to your events, inserting themselves in your plans when they weren't invited, thinking they should have any say in your how you manage your finances...he is your brother and you love him, but their behavior is upsetting you and it the negative feelings will probably only fester and grow if you don't start standing up for yourself to them.  By standing up for yourself I don't mean starting an argument, there are ways to get your point across without being confrontational (such as keeping it to yourself when you have a night out planned that does not include them, calmly asking them not to bring extra people to the next event you invite them to because you are only making enough food for those you are inviting, asking "why do you want to know?" when he asks questions about your finances, etc.). 

My DH took me to "Water for Elephants" last weekend....LOVED it.  It was strange seeing Rob Pattinson called "Jacob", though.