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I would have never gotten away with it.

Started by SassyDI, April 27, 2011, 05:12:37 am

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LaurieS

but is sdl talking about daycare/care givers vs being at her parents for a visit, or vice versa?

pam1

Lol Laurie, on Pooh's post on that other thread talking about things our parents did could be considered child abuse -- I was nodding and laughing all along.  I don't think my parents were ever interested in being big on discipline.  And yes, I do think most grandparents aren't interested in being disciplinarians, or at least the ones around me.  I don't blame them either, I wouldn't want to be.  My time would be over.

Now there were things that all they had to do was The Look -- but really, we stood on chairs, we climbed, we fell, we went to emergency rooms, we ate crap outside etc.  One summer our hygiene was taken care of by the hose outside. I don't know why but things like a 2 or 3 year old kicking a dog, our way would be to show the child to show the dog love.  Now if its a 12 year old kicking a dog, we've got bigger problems and I would refuse to watch the child.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

pam1

Oh and also, I think it's hard to navigate these waters.  Most people are touchy about their children I've noticed.  I'm not going to be the manners police or whatever else for other peoples children, I don't expect them to be for mine. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: pam1 on April 27, 2011, 07:17:55 am
Lol Laurie, on Pooh's post on that other thread talking about things our parents did could be considered child abuse -- I was nodding and laughing all along.  I don't think my parents were ever interested in being big on discipline.  And yes, I do think most grandparents aren't interested in being disciplinarians, or at least the ones around me.  I don't blame them either, I wouldn't want to be.  My time would be over.

Now there were things that all they had to do was The Look -- but really, we stood on chairs, we climbed, we fell, we went to emergency rooms, we ate crap outside etc.  One summer our hygiene was taken care of by the hose outside. I don't know why but things like a 2 or 3 year old kicking a dog, our way would be to show the child to show the dog love.  Now if its a 12 year old kicking a dog, we've got bigger problems and I would refuse to watch the child.


Our grandparents never disciplined us whether our parents were present or not because we were overall good kids and didn't need to be disciplined. I would assume that my parents/IL's will have the same respect when we have kids. I don't think it is ever anyone else's place to discipline a child when their parent is present.

I agree on the kids falling and getting hurt. No you don't want it to happen, but it is probably going to happen more than once. I don't understand "discipline" for a child in an instance such as this. I guess my definition for the term is different.

holliberri

ADil,

I assume your GPs didn't tell your parents they were being too hard on you either, if you ever did need discipline. That is another way of respecting parents.

This is a big issue. Kids sense rifts like that and exploit it. I know I did..and I was pretty well behaved.

That's my biggest problem with all of this.

LaurieS

Maybe I just grew up in a different time... in my youth you were expected to follow the house rules.. no matters who's house you were in.  If you didn't, you were not corrected more then once.. after that you simply were not welcomed.  I know this would not apply to a young child, but ultimately young children do grow up and it's not a bad lesson to be learned.

Of course there is a difference between discipline for poor manners vs keeping a child from harms way.  But as an up and coming grandparent, I'm going to be standing at a cross road wondering just how I should react to ANY and ALL situations.  If I, god forbid, overstep a boundary when it comes to discipline the child could be ripped out of my life forever.. ok that might be an exaggeration but as a grandparent our thoughts, actions, reactions, are at times so micromanaged by our kids and their spouses that it's hard to know which way to turn without getting hit by the mack truck

pam1

Laurie, that's what I was trying to say lol.  Other peoples houses, other peoples rules.  No use in trying to change them.  It's just better to recognize when it's not going to work for you.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 27, 2011, 07:23:46 am
Our grandparents never disciplined us whether our parents were present or not because we were overall good kids and didn't need to be disciplined. I would assume that my parents/IL's will have the same respect when we have kids. I don't think it is ever anyone else's place to discipline a child when their parent is present.

I agree on the kids falling and getting hurt. No you don't want it to happen, but it is probably going to happen more than once. I don't understand "discipline" for a child in an instance such as this. I guess my definition for the term is different.

I agree Adil.. a variety of description for discipline is being used here.  To me stepping in and preventing injury is not necessarily discipline it's a common sense correction.. but to many mothers any time you 'correct' a child  you have disciplined them.. I think often it's back to the 'she is my kid' mode that creates so many problems.

LaurieS

Quote from: pam1 on April 27, 2011, 07:40:58 am
Laurie, that's what I was trying to say lol.  Other peoples houses, other peoples rules.  No use in trying to change them.  It's just better to recognize when it's not going to work for you.


That's it.. if you can not value the opinion and/or lifestyle of another person, then don't leave your children there.. but you have to at the same time realize that very few people in life will ever fully measure up to what you are looking for.. especially that dreaded man in the mirror.

pam1

I could be wrong and SassyDI please correct me if so --  the way I read it was that SassyDI was upset that her sister didn't just go over and grab DD from the chair, instead sister just said something to SassyDI. 

Personally, I'd just grab the child -- but if it was my child and someone told me, I would probably thank them for noticing since I did not.

Kids fall, they get hurt, they do stupid stuff. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

pam1

Quote from: Laurie on April 27, 2011, 07:45:46 am
Quote from: pam1 on April 27, 2011, 07:40:58 am
Laurie, that's what I was trying to say lol.  Other peoples houses, other peoples rules.  No use in trying to change them.  It's just better to recognize when it's not going to work for you.


That's it.. if you can not value the opinion and/or lifestyle of another person, then don't leave your children there.. but you have to at the same time realize that very few people in life will ever fully measure up to what you are looking for.. especially that dreaded man in the mirror.


Yep.  That's it. 

I do think it's good for children to see a different way.  I don't always agree with DD's grandparents and well, my in laws are a different story -- I don't consider them to be a normal representative of grandparents.  Anyway, I like how my parents didn't limit our involvment with other cultures and people.  I think too many people today are "fear mongerers"  Let the kid experience other stuff, in 18 years they are going to be deciding on their own anyway.  It's not like you're going to be able to prevent them from ever noticing or being around someone different.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

SDI,

It doesn't sound like your DD is around your mom and other family enough that a relaxing of the rules would cause irreparable harm. I think standing on chairs is actualy normal in many households, if not my own.

Also, I think that if someone is telling you to come get your child...they are enforcing the rules....they are just deferring the rule enforcement to you. They're letting you handle it. I would see that as respect, IMO.

As far as the reprimands about your own discipline tactics...have you talked to your mom during a neutral time and talked to her about your feelings about it? She might not know she is doing it.


Scoop

I can see both sides of this coin.  Yes, GP's have a prerogative to spoil.  But they should also obey the parents rules.   If the GK is staying with the GP, then the GP's looser rules can apply, as long as the major ones are kept.  (You know, something like letting the GK stay up 1/2 hour, but not 2 or 3 hours.  Or allowing some candy, but not chocolate or not too much.)

It troubles me that the GM in this post doesn't mind if the child kicks a dog and will do anything to keep the child from crying.  Also, she won't intervene immediately when the child's safety is at stake.  To me, that's not a good care-giver.

I think you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your Mom.  You may have to be tough with her, but I don't think you can let her say that your discipline is too tough, in front of your DD.  That's undermining your authority and it's just not allowed.

I can see that you're in a bind, what with your DH's health issues, but sometimes, the cheapest way to pay is with money.

holliberri

Quote from: Scoop on April 27, 2011, 07:52:30 am
I think you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your Mom. 


A what?

pam1

Basically it's a conversation that either the other party sees the light or they get dealt with.  Make or break time.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift