September 19, 2019, 12:16:30 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


What's up with this?

Started by Scoop, April 24, 2011, 08:00:56 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

LaurieS

Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 02:49:02 pm
They are of Eastern European descent but I don't think that has anything to do with it.

She's not well and is a hoarder in all other areas of her life.  Her parents also had a really rough time during the Depression and have seemed to handed down a lot of oddities to her that she's not been able to shake.  Instead of looking at a situation like too much food for a two person household and only 2 refrigerators....she will go out and buy a 3rd one, a 4th one etc.  She's up to 5 and a deep freezer now.


It won't be good if the electric goes out... My mom is what she calls a bargain hunter.. so she has a house full of stuff that were all great bargains if you need a plaster statue of a man smoking a pipe... and my mom is also somewhat of a food hoarder as well.. I don't care if it's two tablespoons left it will be saved and it will be served at the next meal... while I find it completely nerve wracking I also try to understand that this in part is how they made it in the world..their thriftiness has allowed them to own a nicer home etc... trying to convince them that if they stop with the bargains that that would be money in the bank but I guess we all have our own value system. 

pam1

Laurie, if that was the end of it, then we'd be good.  I swear I'm a reasonable person lol

A lot of the food is very old and she still tries to serve it.  I caught her giving children very old bacon once and she assumes that since she cooked it -- its good.  But, there is also a show of force concerning her food.  Her daughters get the good, fresh stuff.  Sons get the old left overs.  We get the stuff that is pulled out, not eaten, put back in the fridge over and over again.  I don't trust her as far as I can throw her with food.  I also think that since she is aware or shows awareness with her daughters families that it is something she can control, but chooses not too.

Put it this way, I cleaned out her refrigerators once and there was over 10 packs of bacon expired more than 2 years.  It wasn't in the freezer, but the fridge.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: Scoop on April 24, 2011, 08:00:56 pm
So we got back from a weekend at the IL's and I have a question.

When I was dreading the visit, someone recommended that I bring a big bouquet of flowers.  I liked the idea, so I turned it into me bringing an Easter Bunny cake.  I had DH talk to his M, to make sure it was okay.  I brought the cakes, the icing & the candies and DD, DN, MIL and I put it all together.  I made sure to involve MIL, and at the end, we took pictures of the girls and the cake and another one of the girls, me, MIL and the cake.  I tried, I really tried.

So in the meantime, MIL had ordered an ice-cream cake and ended up with a huge ice-cream cake AND the Easter Bunny cake (and we were only 9 people).  It totally came down to "loyalties", I served up "my" cake (per MIL's directions) and she served up "her" cake.  The kids had the bunny cake and SIL & BIL had some of each.

I guess if we were on a good footing, I wouldn't think anything of it, but as it was between us, I was mad about it.  I think that no smal part of it is that I'm noticing a trend where MIL won't eat food I've made.  I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm dirty.

Conversely, in the sake of fairness, my MIL has no concept of how much food to make for 9 people.  (I shudder to think of the food they must throw away.)  So maybe she didn't think it would be too much?  She didn't send any food home with SIL and we didn't take any either.  (For the record: it was offered for us to bring the 2/3 of the bunny cake back, but it was at the last minute, the car was packed, we were heading out the door.  To me it was a stalling tactic to delay our leaving - as usual.)

So what do you think?  Understandable?  Or rude?


Not rude but I do think you serving up yours and her serving hers is kind of making it competive.  The hosts needs to either serive it all or if its like my family its called come and get what you want.  I think having more then one dessert is ok after all she could have already had the ice cream cake planned befor you offered.  oh by the way last thanksgiving we had about 8 of us including my then two year old dd and I think we had about 5 pies.  I think its very normal.

holliberri

That recipe will probably save me time....I will just have to price it out.

Mil only bakes as we head out the door...the kitchen isn't her forte.

SassyDI

Quote from: Laurie on April 25, 2011, 02:16:42 pm
oh Pam there is always room for one more dish... But yes if I had been asked by the hostess to make my scrumdelicious potato salad and upon arriving find out that she also made her I would be a little taken back... I mean really my potato salad is good.. how can someone tell me it's good if her mundane potato salad is sitting right next to mine :)  In the case of the cakes.. you would have thought that a different type of dessert could have been made and not a duplicate.  Besides it's Easter.. I think the bunny cake really trumps the ice cream cake.


I am a potato salad snob I will eat pretty much only the one I make and my dad's.  Everyone else never ever tastes the same to me.  DH always asks my opinion on the potato salad.

LaurieS

Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 05:32:48 pm
Laurie, if that was the end of it, then we'd be good.  I swear I'm a reasonable person lol

A lot of the food is very old and she still tries to serve it.  I caught her giving children very old bacon once and she assumes that since she cooked it -- its good.  But, there is also a show of force concerning her food.  Her daughters get the good, fresh stuff.  Sons get the old left overs.  We get the stuff that is pulled out, not eaten, put back in the fridge over and over again.  I don't trust her as far as I can throw her with food.  I also think that since she is aware or shows awareness with her daughters families that it is something she can control, but chooses not too.

Put it this way, I cleaned out her refrigerators once and there was over 10 packs of bacon expired more than 2 years.  It wasn't in the freezer, but the fridge.


No that isn't good Pam.. not at all

Tara

Hey Scoop,

I wanted to stay that if it was me who brought and made the bunny cake which sounds adorable, it would still be disappointing
if it didn't get eaten due to MIL's icecream cake.    This may not be your style, but I always note if my food is being eaten when I bring
some to a family event and feel happy when its eaten up.    I appreciate your intention to do something warm and friendly.


LaurieS

I do agree with you Tara... I would have eaten one of the ears ... all by myself :)

lancaster lady

Pam ........does she eat the out of date food herself ?Or just save it for her favourite people ........did I mention we own a deli ? We get elderly ladies buying the same thing every day for a week ! When you mention it they become stroppy ! Age makes folk forgetful ........they know they need an item but forget they bought it the day before ....    It's sad .

Pooh

Oooh Pam.  You have a bigger problem than MIL being a food retard.  You have to contend with worrying about getting sick.   Oooh...I wouldn't eat anything she brought!  Bless your heart.

I will say that I am guilty of some of the things that are being brought up here.  I have a thing about not going anywhere empty handed.  I will say that if someone specifically tells me not to bring anything, I bring flowers or a nice candle, or something.  I also don't bring anything that will try to compete with the host or hostess, but I am guilty of bringing food to someone's house.  I usually stick to a dessert and I ask first, but I am guilty.    I guess I get that from my Mother, who always brings something too.  I also ask everyone what they are ordering at a restaurant!  Lol.  I think I do it because I am afraid someone else saw something really good on the menu that I missed.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

Yup, I ask everyone what they're eating purely for my own selfish reasons. I don't want to miss something good.  :D

pam1

LL, no she doesn't eat the old food.  That's why I have a hard time accepting "that's just the way she is."  She has a thing with males and females, DH has been working on that now with her and a counselor.  She treats her male children as if they are lesser beings and female children as higher beings.  It's very sad.  I know she has issues and I do try to pretend (as was suggested) that she has a disease that she couldn't help getting and has no control over it.  Sometimes I buy it, other times I think she's just never had anyone put her in her place lol.  Sometimes I'm more angry at FIL for enabling this, it's terribly sad.

Pooh, I'm very careful about her food.  I've done a variety of things like getting take out to bring over (which she loves) to only eating and fixing DD's plate from what other people made.  Which is why I'm grateful to the potlucks. 

I bet most of us are guilty of things, even annoying ones.  I guess when I bring stuff up I'm talking about a pattern, there's more to it for me than just asking a question all the time.  I wonder if that was where Scoop was coming from, maybe MIL has done other food stuff and it's just something that got to Scoop.  Sometimes there is just so many layers and it doesn't always occur to me anyways to type it all out, that post would be loooooong lol.  I know when something annoys me there is usually something behind it, a build up. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: Holly on April 26, 2011, 05:50:43 am
Yup, I ask everyone what they're eating purely for my own selfish reasons. I don't want to miss something good.  :D


I'm not above changing my order lol. The old "Oooooh that sounds good. I'll have that instead..." lol

Quote from: pam1 on April 26, 2011, 06:02:28 am
I bet most of us are guilty of things, even annoying ones.  I guess when I bring stuff up I'm talking about a pattern, there's more to it for me than just asking a question all the time.  I wonder if that was where Scoop was coming from, maybe MIL has done other food stuff and it's just something that got to Scoop.  Sometimes there is just so many layers and it doesn't always occur to me anyways to type it all out, that post would be loooooong lol.  I know when something annoys me there is usually something behind it, a build up. 


I know for me it might not be just about the food. Sometimes it feels like nothing I ever do is ever good enough for MIL. Sooooo for me, I would view it as a message that my cake wasn't good enough.  :-\

AnonymousDIL

I just thought of something....

Once I took "Heavenly Hash" to one of the IL get togethers. It is a dessert salad of marshmallow, whipped cream, coconut, cherries, and pineapple. Mmmmm Soooo yummy.... Well, only FIL, DH, and BIL1 had any. (It is 30+ people at this thing). I don't take it any more, BUT since then someone has started making Watercress Salad? It basically looks the same, but isn't a "dessert"

I find that a little odd for some reason.

Pooh

Quote from: pam1 on April 26, 2011, 06:02:28 am
  I know when something annoys me there is usually something behind it, a build up.


Absolutely!  I know I am like that.  It takes quite a bit to get me annoyed, but once I am, then any little thing they do annoys the far out of me.  GUILTY!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell