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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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Sassy

Dear SassyDI,
For DH to withdraw from his father and say --  to himself or out loud to his father --  "I don't want to have a relationship with you, because you weren't willing to step up to help me for a few minutes once a week, there's been a pattern of nonsupport, I feel rejected and unloved by you, and it hurts like heck for me to be around you and be reminded of that," that puts DH in a very vulnerable position.

The name game seems like a form of self-preservation.  DH can keep his dignity and instead say "You won't respect our boundaries".  He is able to frame it to himself that he's protecting his late mother's honor , not his own hurt feelings, by refusing to bend on the title. You make it easy for him to remain firm on the subject because its is also culturally in line with how you and your family of origin feel about step titles.  So on some level, it can feel "right" to hold that line.  On a deeper level, it will feel false (uneasy), because it's not about what's really going on.

Your uneasiness (why you're here "venting", talking through something you've already decided) comes not from the name standoff itself.  But from the fact that your terrific loving husband has a father who does not seem to appreciate him, or show him the parental love every son wants, even grown sons.  DH only has one parent left, and that parent was checked out before DD was even born. It's not FIL's misplaced loyalties. It's not S-MIL or her presence that's making FIL like this.  If there was no S-MIL, FIL would still be rejecting DH.  This is just how FIL acts.  And for you, as the DWife of FIL's rejected son, you're uneasy that FIL treats your DH this way.  You should be, because its a darn shame. But with love and time, you both will heal. 

I've found this website is a great place to find some of that that love.

Love, Sassy

luise.volta

I think we have pretty much covered this. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama