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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

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SassyDI

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 25, 2011, 08:22:31 AM
But that "own special name" can't be in any way translated into "Grandma." It sounds like FILW's choices are Mrs. XXXX OR something that she finds insulting. You can't offer her any other choice?

I was reading on a website that someone called his grandparents Banana and Papaya.

DD calls bananas nanas so that won't work.  but it is cute.  If she finds a name that means wonderful person insulting then nothing i say will be ok.  We asked her what wouldn't be and the answer is Nana or Step Grandma. 

overwhelmed123

Mmm...a desserted island...yum.

pam1

Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 08:20:53 AM
Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 08:18:41 AM
IMO, there is a huge difference in calling a stepparent Mom or Dad, it's simply not a comparable subject.  You can lose custody over that one.

How? Confused

In child custody/child support cases the current trend is that names used for stepparents as in Mom and Dad are part of parental alienation.  Not PAS, just parental alienation.  It is supposed to encourage bio parents to keep active in their childs life.  It's too easy for some parents to say they've got a Mom or Dad, so therefore I don't need to pay, see the child etc.  It's also supposed to limit a stepparents interference into the legal parenting realm, which is a problem in some cases.

it's not my personal opinion on it but that's where the bread is buttered nowadays.  If someone were to have a beef with not being able to have their spouse called Mom or Dad, my advice is do you really want to lose custody over a name? 

SassyDI,  if it were your stepmil on here asking the same question, I'd tell her to get over herself.  Of course, in politer terms.  IMO, these type of things that tear families apart are sad, I don't care what side of the table you're sitting on in this issue. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

that is where I'm going when I die.. but then again my favorite childhood game was.. you guessed it.. Candy Land


holliberri

Yes, a child would normally agree with their parent when the parent is pushing for that  sort of thing.

You really weren't specific enough in things your SMIL could do to make things better.

overwhelmed123

Haha, that game makes me so hungry for all the things I can't eat!

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 25, 2011, 08:28:48 AM
Yes, a child would normally agree with their parent when the parent is pushing for that  sort of thing.

You really weren't specific enough in things your SMIL could do to make things better.

How much simpler can we get do as we ask you guys can come around DD. 

holliberri

I don't know. I'm pretty well versed in mixed marriages. All she needs to do is pick a different name and then this will all be over? Have you communicated that with her? Nicely, calmly communicated it to her, without hurting her feelings?


AnonymousDIL

SassyDI, that particular turn of phrase kinda makes you sound like a control freak, IMO.  :-\

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 25, 2011, 08:33:53 AM
I don't know. I'm pretty well versed in mixed marriages. All she needs to do is pick a different name and then this will all be over? Have you communicated that with her? Nicely, calmly communicated it to her, without hurting her feelings?

Dh has.  Once she even said if you ask me to do anything I usually will.  So Dh took it as ask me to go by my first name so he did and she told him No.  All just a power trip game she played. 

holliberri

You do know that GG is a very common name for Grandmother, right?

So is Lulu. I believe that the way you're doing this, you're making it impossible for your DD to call her any name but her first name.

You really don't want your SMIL to have any sort of grandmotherly connection to your DD, do you? Because "Nonna" even if it is G-ma in a different language, has nothing to do with the fact that your DH's late mother would have been named Grandma.

Pooh

Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 08:27:01 AM
Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 08:20:53 AM
Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 08:18:41 AM
IMO, there is a huge difference in calling a stepparent Mom or Dad, it's simply not a comparable subject.  You can lose custody over that one.

How? Confused

In child custody/child support cases the current trend is that names used for stepparents as in Mom and Dad are part of parental alienation.  Not PAS, just parental alienation.  It is supposed to encourage bio parents to keep active in their childs life.  It's too easy for some parents to say they've got a Mom or Dad, so therefore I don't need to pay, see the child etc.  It's also supposed to limit a stepparents interference into the legal parenting realm, which is a problem in some cases.


I always thought this was so stupid.  Only people can create parental alienation, not names.  If a bio Mom or Dad don't want to stay active in a child's life, no name is going to make them.  I know bio Mom's and Dad's that don't deserve that name just as I know some stepparents that do.

(I know you were providing info Pam, and not agreeing with it.  And I also know there are always cases where this could help.)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 25, 2011, 08:46:02 AM
You do know that GG is a very common name for Grandmother, right?

So is Lulu. I believe that the way you're doing this, you're making it impossible for your DD to call her any name but her first name.

You really don't want your SMIL to have any sort of grandmotherly connection to your DD, do you? Because "Nonna" even if it is G-ma in a different language, has nothing to do with the fact that your DH's late mother would have been named Grandma.

No I don't want her to be a grandmother to my child.  And I asked her to come up with a name that she wants but she won't.  Hell the name she goes by isn't even her real name.  Example not using her real names.  But her name would be like Sarah she calls herself Mary. 

Rose799

Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 08:51:40 AM
No I don't want her to be a grandmother to my child. 
[/quote]

Would you want mil to treat your dd differently than she would her own bio gc?  The decision is yours, SassyDI, just be careful what you wish for...  I'd hate to see your dd suffer for it. 

holliberri

Well, at least you were honest about it. There have been, at times, where I wished my MIL wasn't my child's g-ma either, but I can't do a lot to change it, and it would make our entire family miserable pretending that wasn't the case. In addition, it had more to do with my issues with her than anything she might be doing or not doing with DD. I might add, I was being totally ridiculous about it.

It appears to me like insecurity; not on her part, but yours. It's not the name that matters, it's the possible connection at all that is the problem.

In that case, I think you win. Hands down. Cutoff was quite convenient for you b/c it just works to your advantage at prevention.