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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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SassyDI

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 25, 2011, 07:56:25 am
What about making a list of the word "grandmother" in other languages (Spanish, French, Italian, etc.) and using one of those?


GMIL suggested that but again we don't want Grandma and it still means Grandma.  Thats why we came up with a few that we felt were nice but not Grandmother names.

AnonymousDIL

I like Oma. It is German. Both DH and I's families are of German descent.

Kennedy

It sounds as you really have already made your choices and if she don't like them tough. Correct?
I only want to say that I do hope all works out well for all of you. Good Luck and God Bless.

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 08:01:39 am
GMIL suggested that but again we don't want Grandma and it still means Grandma.  Thats why we came up with a few that we felt were nice but not Grandmother names.


Alright then, I guess there is no more to say.

holliberri

You're mind is  made up...I guess there isn't much more help we can offer. Sorry.

SassyDI

Quote from: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 07:54:51 am
That was very inconsiderate of her to be saying those things.  Untrue, true....didn't matter, she shouldn't have been repeating it to you guys.  I always hate those "she said, he said" things.  Because you never know if the person that is telling you those things is telling the truth, or the person you confront is now telling the truth, or lying to get out of trouble....blah blah blah.  That's a no-win situation for everyone involved.

I have learned as I have gotten older, to look at people that start gossiping and say, "Hey.  I don't like hearing things 3rd party because it is so easy for people to misunderstand each other.  I'm sure if they want me to know, they'll tell me.  And if they don't, well I hope it makes them feel better to speak badly of someone else."

That usually stops it!  Lol.


It wasn't the first time.  She did this with my SIL.  My SIL (DH's younger brothers wife) said something behind my back and in a fight she told me all about it.  I have heard some pretty mean thing come out of others mouths about her but I don't go telling her.  I think it is not ok and right if the person wants to tell that person they will.

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 25, 2011, 08:03:31 am
You're mind is  made up...I guess there isn't much more help we can offer. Sorry.


Hey not your fault hell venting in itself is help. 

holliberri

Venting means you would like an improvement in your situation. What would you like SMIL to do? Like, what could she do that would make you happy?

LaurieS

And falling over dead doesn't not count :)

pam1

Quote from: Sassy on April 25, 2011, 07:16:11 am
QuoteIf I am looking for any advice its how to get FIL and FILW to follow boundries.

Dear SassyDI, this advice simply doesn't exist. Because no one can control other people. 

You can, of course, control how you respond when other people go over what you consider your line.  What you can think about, is if your response is the best way for you to get what you want.  If you and DH decide your boundaries are not getting you what you want, (the way you hoped they would), you are always free to move your line.

If you and DH want to cut FIL and SMIL out of your lives, because they won't follow a boundary you decided, that's your preogative.  But when you do that, you and DH should make sure what you want is to cut FIL and S-MIL out of your lives, because that is what your choice will get you. 

It is a choice that is all yours.  If you'd rather have no FIL and S-MIL, at all, and for your children to have no relationship at all with those grandparents, instead of you and DH having a relationship with them, and your children having a S-MIL with a grandmother title in her name, that is completely within your power.  Making them do what you want them to do is not within your power.

Your boundaries are for you.  You get to choose them, you get to decide how important they are to you, how married to them you are. You get to change them if you want to, and you get to decide how much you're willing to sacrafice to enforce them.  If you'd sacrafice spending time with people who don't do what you want them to, that is 100% your choice.   You don't get to, and you can't make other people follow your boundaries.  That's the part that's up to them.

Signed, Sassy


I couldn't have said it better.

Boundaries aren't for other people, they are for you.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 25, 2011, 08:09:08 am
Venting means you would like an improvement in your situation. What would you like SMIL to do? Like, what could she do that would make you happy?


For me it would be so easy to walk away my frustration comes from that I really just can't say it is over there out of lives its done because well DH and DD have to be thought about too.  DH knows that I will never like either of them.  That if they do come back into our lives its for him and DD only.  All she has to do is say fine I am First name until DD can figure out her own special name for me.  So very simple yet they don't want to do it.  I have no emotion left for them I am so beyond over it.  But its hard because I can't just walk away and be done and that is what makes this thing hard. 

pam1

IMO, there is a huge difference in calling a stepparent Mom or Dad, it's simply not a comparable subject.  You can lose custody over that one.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: Laurie on April 25, 2011, 08:10:51 am
And falling over dead doesn't not count :)


Oh I don't wish her dead I am not that mean.  Maybe a desserted island wouldn't be so bad. 

SassyDI

Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 08:18:41 am
IMO, there is a huge difference in calling a stepparent Mom or Dad, it's simply not a comparable subject.  You can lose custody over that one.


How? Confused

AnonymousDIL

But that "own special name" can't be in any way translated into "Grandma." It sounds like FILW's choices are Mrs. XXXX OR something that she finds insulting. You can't offer her any other choice?

I was reading on a website that someone called his grandparents Banana and Papaya.