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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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AnonymousDIL

I would give just about anything for my IL's to consider me family, and I AM secure in my marraige. My marraige is separate from my relationship with the IL's. If FIL can view me as his "daughter" (Yeah he calls me his daughter not his daughter in law ans it gives me warm fuzzies inside  :D), why can't MIL and SIL? I'm just the girl their son/brother married.  :-\

Pooh

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 25, 2011, 07:16:58 am
You are lucky enough to be strong willed.  Some people aren't as lucky as you, and while it isn't your "job" to "make her" less insecure, you can also choose to be empathetic and understanding and do things to help her feel more comfortable in her role.  To be a compassionate person.  I mean think about if we all acted that way to everyone else- not my problem, therefore I'm not going to anything to help make it easier on you.  It would be a very sad, distant world.


Nicely said OW. I am a strong willed individual that is still open to compromise.  I don't have to be either/or, I can be both.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SassyDI

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 25, 2011, 07:16:58 am
You are lucky enough to be strong willed.  Some people aren't as lucky as you, and while it isn't your "job" to "make her" less insecure, you can also choose to be empathetic and understanding and do things to help her feel more comfortable in her role.  To be a compassionate person.  I mean think about if we all acted that way to everyone else- not my problem, therefore I'm not going to anything to help make it easier on you.  It would be a very sad, distant world.


When I was 30 weeks pregnant with DD.  DH asked his father to help him int o bed(he can't do it himself and I could not longer do it.) one day a week after our labor class because we couldn't get a caregiver.  He agreed always bringing in toe his wife.  FIL's wife its a long story came in starting an argument on the 3rd out of four times we needed him to help.  DH told his father next week please just come yourself.  FIL told him that if FILW couldn't come to family fuctions he wasn't coming.  Um yes because helping him into bed was a family function.  He refused the next week to help DH and I had to do it when it wasn't a very good idea for me at 3O some odd weeks to do it.  THey had no compassion for the risk of my prengnancy and our babies life. They told DH they would not due me any favors.  Helping out my DH who is paralized isn't doing me a favor.  Yeah I don't feel sorry for people when they are that way. 

SassyDI

Quote from: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 07:30:36 am
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 25, 2011, 07:16:58 am
You are lucky enough to be strong willed.  Some people aren't as lucky as you, and while it isn't your "job" to "make her" less insecure, you can also choose to be empathetic and understanding and do things to help her feel more comfortable in her role.  To be a compassionate person.  I mean think about if we all acted that way to everyone else- not my problem, therefore I'm not going to anything to help make it easier on you.  It would be a very sad, distant world.


Nicely said OW. I am a strong willed individual that is still open to compromise.  I don't have to be either/or, I can be both.


I did offer compromise by finding a name that wasn't Grandma Nana or her first name.  They won't take it. 

AnonymousDIL

If my MIL pulled the stunt of "Next time don't bring ADIL." Well, DH wouldn't be going a next time.

What if you weren't the pregnant one and were in her shoes?

overwhelmed123

Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 07:33:21 am

I did offer compromise by finding a name that wasn't Grandma Nana or her first name.  They won't take it.


What was this name?  I don't think I've seen it yet and am very curious what this alternate grandma name was.

Pooh

You don't have to give details, but were her arguments based on helping your DH?  Or was it totally off the wall?

Did you offer her more than one choice?  Or just the Ms?  I'm just asking so I understand fully the situation.  I remember me and my MIL going back and forth while I was pregant over her name.  I was telling her that I preferred her not be a XXXX or XXXX because we already had those (just for confusion sake) and she tossed out a few names, I tossed out a few until we found one she liked.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SassyDI

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 25, 2011, 07:35:23 am
If my MIL pulled the stunt of "Next time don't bring ADIL." Well, DH wouldn't be going a next time.

What if you weren't the pregnant one and were in her shoes


If it were to a family fuction I can see that.  But not being able to be over while FIL helps DH down when she can't even be the room because he's naked(EWWW).  Yeah I don't see them as two of the same things.  He acted like we were having a party. 

SassyDI

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 25, 2011, 07:37:45 am
Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 07:33:21 am

I did offer compromise by finding a name that wasn't Grandma Nana or her first name.  They won't take it.


What was this name?  I don't think I've seen it yet and am very curious what this alternate grandma name was.


It was Lulu which ment wonderful person.  And the other was GG because she had to G's in her name.

Pooh

Sorry SassyDI, I misunderstood your earlier post about the Ms vs Mrs..  I thought that was the name.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SassyDI

Quote from: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 07:39:21 am
You don't have to give details, but were her arguments based on helping your DH?  Or was it totally off the wall?

Did you offer her more than one choice?  Or just the Ms?  I'm just asking so I understand fully the situation.  I remember me and my MIL going back and forth while I was pregant over her name.  I was telling her that I preferred her not be a XXXX or XXXX because we already had those (just for confusion sake) and she tossed out a few names, I tossed out a few until we found one she liked.


It was over my shower and what people were saying at it.  Most turned out to be untrue or people being dumb.  We called each person to ask what was going on.  And she told DH that people were saying it was the worest shower ever.  And that blah blah blah blah said I did this and we didn't do this right ect.  Then got all mad at us for calling people and asking them when they got mad at her.  She blamed DH for starting trouble.

holliberri

I do like GG. That is what I picked for my MIL b/c she is Georgia G-ma. She's still pretty insistent that  she wants to be Grammy (mom's name, been mom's name for 3 years; meanwhile MIL has had a GS for 2 years and still can't come up with a name; so her indecision isn't my problem).

I'm sorry she won't find middle ground with you. Perhaps time will tell when your DD picks a name for her. Kids do that too.

Pooh

That was very inconsiderate of her to be saying those things.  Untrue, true....didn't matter, she shouldn't have been repeating it to you guys.  I always hate those "she said, he said" things.  Because you never know if the person that is telling you those things is telling the truth, or the person you confront is now telling the truth, or lying to get out of trouble....blah blah blah.  That's a no-win situation for everyone involved.

I have learned as I have gotten older, to look at people that start gossiping and say, "Hey.  I don't like hearing things 3rd party because it is so easy for people to misunderstand each other.  I'm sure if they want me to know, they'll tell me.  And if they don't, well I hope it makes them feel better to speak badly of someone else."

That usually stops it!  Lol.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

What about making a list of the word "grandmother" in other languages (Spanish, French, Italian, etc.) and using one of those?

holliberri