March 28, 2024, 12:19:59 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

holliberri

When my sort-of stepsister got married, her dad escorted his wife. Her mother, also married to another man was escorted by my stepdad (married to my stepmom) and introduced as Mr. and Mrs. (stepdad's last name)!

Classy. Mom handled it in stride, though. I know a bride does what a bride wants, and it is supposed to be a fairy tale, but apparently it is supposed to be total fantasy and nostalgia as well.


pam1

Ok SassyDI, this is where the rubber meets the road imo.  You and DH can be "right" all you want about the name thing but try to think of where your FIL might think of you and his son.  Will it make your DH's relationship with his father better or worse?  That's what I would be asking myself

There are pangs with stepfamilies, most can pull it through though.  The ones who do usually have a give and take imo.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 07:31:11 PM
Ok SassyDI, this is where the rubber meets the road imo.  You and DH can be "right" all you want about the name thing but try to think of where your FIL might think of you and his son.  Will it make your DH's relationship with his father better or worse?  That's what I would be asking myself

There are pangs with stepfamilies, most can pull it through though.  The ones who do usually have a give and take imo.

Same can be said to FIL.  I mean just because he is the father doesn't mean he doesn't have to give.   My DH and I have had to give into a lot of things.  His father pretty much always gets his way on everything.  As my FIL says "Whatever makes Dad happy."  Well sorry FIL needs to learn that sometimes he is not going to get what he wants.  And if we feel strong about something.  My DH is a quad injured when he was 16 years old that woman did more for him then most 16 year old mother's ever have to do for their children.(she was his caregiver).  So for my DH her being honored as Grandma is important.  I don't really like putting all this on here if they stumbled onto this site.  But whatever really don't care. 

SassyDI

Correction as my BIL says "whatever makes dad happy."

luise.volta

Let's see, when I married my third husband, who was eight years younger than I was, my eldest son, Dwight, married his youngest sister. So...are you ready...my son was my brother in law, my future grand sons were my nephews and Dwight and I had the same mother in law!  ;D ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

Quote from: luise.volta on April 24, 2011, 08:07:37 PM
Let's see, when I married my third husband, who was eight years younger than I was, my eldest son, Dwight, married his youngest sister. So...are you ready...my son was my brother in law, my future grand sons were my nephews and Dwight and I had the same mother in law!  ;D ;D ;D
That could make for one twisted story line Luise

pam1

Hey, I'm not going to argue with you about your choice.  Yes, you and DH can control what your DD calls other people.  But you can't control what other people will think of you or how they respond/react to it.  That's my point.  I personally would think poorly of a family member in the same situation. 

My DH is stepfather to my DD, I will be extremely disappointed if she does not take his wishes into account (reasonably) when she makes decisions and if she does not show respect for me as her mother in choosing my own husband.  I think if we start getting into the "but we didn't choose her as dads wife" well guess what?  FIL didn't choose you as his sons wife...that's not a road I'd be willing to set foot on or set my childrens feet on.

I've known my stepmom for I think 20 years now (man, I feel really old.)  We haven't always loved each other or even liked each other.  But we did have one thing in common, love for my father.  I really don't care what my stepmom would want to be called, I would want my father to be happy around his wife and me.  I want to share holidays with them, I want my father to be happy.  I'm not going to live with him for the rest of his life, why would I want to exclude his wife? 

It hasn't been easy at times, although it's much easier over time.  My stepmom is the first one to call me when something happens, the first one at my house to watch my DD, the one who sends me flowers on the anniversary of my mothers passing (my father doesn't do that stuff.)  She wasn't always right and was insecure when they first married, but man, I can't imagine going out of my way to make her feel even worse. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

LOL, Luise! That's funny.

SassyDI, you have your reasons, it is your choice. Sometimes, our choices hurt people, that's all. If you feel like you're giving us too much information, you don't have to post it.

SassyDI

Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 08:12:34 PM
Hey, I'm not going to argue with you about your choice.  Yes, you and DH can control what your DD calls other people.  But you can't control what other people will think of you or how they respond/react to it.  That's my point.  I personally would think poorly of a family member in the same situation. 

My DH is stepfather to my DD, I will be extremely disappointed if she does not take his wishes into account (reasonably) when she makes decisions and if she does not show respect for me as her mother in choosing my own husband.  I think if we start getting into the "but we didn't choose her as dads wife" well guess what?  FIL didn't choose you as his sons wife...that's not a road I'd be willing to set foot on or set my childrens feet on.

I've known my stepmom for I think 20 years now (man, I feel really old.)  We haven't always loved each other or even liked each other.  But we did have one thing in common, love for my father.  I really don't care what my stepmom would want to be called, I would want my father to be happy around his wife and me.  I want to share holidays with them, I want my father to be happy.  I'm not going to live with him for the rest of his life, why would I want to exclude his wife? 

It hasn't been easy at times, although it's much easier over time.  My stepmom is the first one to call me when something happens, the first one at my house to watch my DD, the one who sends me flowers on the anniversary of my mothers passing (my father doesn't do that stuff.)  She wasn't always right and was insecure when they first married, but man, I can't imagine going out of my way to make her feel even worse.

Again its agree to disagree.  But I refuse to be the person who makes everyone else happy and get what they want.  And never have them do the same for me.  Just because two people get married doesn't make everyone one big happy family.  His family doesn't want me to be my own person but be like them.  I was not raised that way.  I was raised to stand up for what you believe in.  I am not going to just gave because my "alder" tells me he wants something there for I should do it.  GMIL throws that in my face all the time.

pam1

I think you're missing my point, SassyDI.  I'm not disagreeing with you, yes you can make your child call whoever you want, whatever you want.

You can't, however, choose how people will respond to it or how they will think of you and your husband. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

1Glitterati

Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 08:12:34 PM
My DH is stepfather to my DD, I will be extremely disappointed if she does not take his wishes into account (reasonably) when she makes decisions and if she does not show respect for me as her mother in choosing my own husband.  I think if we start getting into the "but we didn't choose her as dads wife" well guess what?  FIL didn't choose you as his sons wife...that's not a road I'd be willing to set foot on or set my childrens feet on.

I've known my stepmom for I think 20 years now (man, I feel really old.)  We haven't always loved each other or even liked each other.  But we did have one thing in common, love for my father.  I really don't care what my stepmom would want to be called, I would want my father to be happy around his wife and me.  I want to share holidays with them, I want my father to be happy.  I'm not going to live with him for the rest of his life, why would I want to exclude his wife? 

I think part of it may also depend on when the step comes into your life.  I think there is a difference between coming in when you're a child and when you're and adult.  I know at this point in my life that if my parents weren't together and remarried...that then new person would simply be my father's wife or my mother's husband.  They wouldn't be a step-parent to me and they wouldn't be a grandparent to my kids.  I've got a mom and dad, and my kids have grandparents.

pam1

1Glitterati, my grandfather married later in life and we call his wife Gramma Janie.  No biggie.

I mean, if you're sibling divorces and then remarries, is their new spouse not an aunt or uncle?  Personally, I'd want my grandchild to feel as if they're going to their grandparents house, not just Grandpa and that woman lol.  But to each their own I suppose
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

IDK, Glitter. I have gone through this I was married by the time my stepdad married my mom. I call him that b/c he loves my mom and she loves him and he keeps her happy. He doesn't actually do anything for me. But, I suppose a happy mom is reason enough to appreciate him.

And, what if said person just wanted to do nice things for your kids? That is what these non-GPs often do. It seems that some sort of name other than a first-name would be appropriate. I am also trying to raise my daughter to have a certain amount of respect and manners that are expected of her in the larger culture.

An alder is a birch tree. I found that interesting.

luise.volta

I'm uncomfortable with your feeling uncomfortable about sharing all of of this and then saying you don't care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't feel uncomfortable, right? And you don't need to defend your position...we are just bouncing ideas your way because you asked. If you don't want to know what we think, don't ask for out input. Simple.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Hey, I just realized I and DD both call DH's grandma, Grandma lol.  It never occurred to me that there was only two Grandma's.  And I have a living great grandma on my side too that DH calls Grandma as well.

DD also calls DH's parents Ma and Pa like their other grandkids.  I think she'd feel the odd one out if she was the only kid calling them Mr. & Mrs.  And we definitely don't do the first name basis for children.  I also think it would even be more awkward for her if/when we have more children and she's even more isolated. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift