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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

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holliberri

That story sounds really familiar to me, Sassy...I think I've read it before. Somewhere. On another site or something.

A name is boundaries?

Check out the post "Grandparent's Name" under the Grandchildren section.

A lot of kids call both g-mas by the same name and they're not confused one bit about it. I have had to toe this line with my mother b/c she had a name and now MIL wants that name too (although, MIL has changed her name 8 times so far...I thinks she's having an identity crisis). I really wish it wouldn't matter so much. I don't want to deal with the issue with my MIL or my mother. I've decided they're both going to be called "Faux Ma" if they keep it up.

But, I digress.

I'm not willing to keep DD from them over a name. I  think it is nice your non-stepMIL wants to be called a name by the baby. It shows the baby is important to her. The name issue sounds trivial.

holliberri

Sorry, I should have made sure to call you SassyDI.

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 24, 2011, 10:37:19 AM
That story sounds really familiar to me, Sassy...I think I've read it before. Somewhere. On another site or something.

A name is boundaries?

Check out the post "Grandparent's Name" under the Grandchildren section.

A lot of kids call both g-mas by the same name and they're not confused one bit about it. I have had to toe this line with my mother b/c she had a name and now MIL wants that name too (although, MIL has changed her name 8 times so far...I thinks she's having an identity crisis). I really wish it wouldn't matter so much. I don't want to deal with the issue with my MIL or my mother. I've decided they're both going to be called "Faux Ma" if they keep it up.

But, I digress.

I'm not willing to keep DD from them over a name. I  think it is nice your non-stepMIL wants to be called a name by the baby. It shows the baby is important to her. The name issue sounds trivial.

And we can agree to disgree.  Its not just about a name there is more to it then that.  I am sure if you read it on another site it was me.  Its not trival in my eyes.  Again as I said to the OP what seems trivial to some is not to other.  The child is not important to her unless she is Nana she has all but said that to DH. 

holliberri

It is okay that it is important to you. I never said you were wrong. Why is it important enough for cutoff?

I believe that when someone says "the child is not important to me b/c of X" or "I'll never touch the child again because of X" they need to be shown just how ridiculous that statement is immediately after they say it.

Something like, "Well, that's okay she's not important to you, she'll always be important to me no matter what she calls me," or, "Oh, that's okay. You'll still be important to her even if she's not important to you."

People say over the top things like that to hurt, but rarely are they actually true.

LaurieS

I'm one of the ones who said that we called all my grandparents grandma or grandpa.. both sides.. and never had an issue or confusion. 

But I think that what you're saying Sdl is that it's not the grandma title but that you do not want to consider her a grandparent at all, am I reading you correctly?  I can see this happening with step parents if there was never a relationship to begin with.  How do you plan on having your children refer to her?

pam1

Quote from: SassyDI on April 24, 2011, 10:21:25 AM
Quote from: Pen on April 24, 2011, 09:49:59 AM
Oh, the dreaded "B" word! I know we all have the right to put boundaries in place but the term bothers me. That old cowboy song comes to mind: "Don't Fence Me In."

But seriously SassyDI, what boundaries did you set up and which ones did MIL try to cross? I know this is an important issue.

A.  She is not my MIL Dh doesn't consider her his stepmother
B.  She want to be Nana or Step Grandma.  But my mother is Nana and DH's who passed away is the only Grandma on his side in our eyes.  Lets just say it became an uncomfortable situation with them and her name.  They want to let us call her what we call her they will call her what they want.  And the rest of the fam can choose to call her what they want to, to DD.  Sorry but that is  not happing.  We all have to be on the same page not to confuse her.  So until they respect yes our boundries they will not see her.

Does your DH like his stepmother?  Was there background issues or is it more of an age thing?

We've never had any confusion either, DD calls my stepmom a version of grandma, it works for us.  Although we don't really have any issues either with her.  I don't know your child feels or will feel (how old?) but my DD wouldn't like not calling my stepmom by her first name or Ms. ____.  Well, actually I would never allow her to be called by her first name and Ms.____ doesn't sound like family.  But maybe that's what you're going for?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

In all honesty it has nothing to do with not liking her(though we do not get along) I wouldn't want her to be Grandma if I did like her.  For me as not speaking for my DH I don't believe in Step Grandma roles.(DH does have his reasons too)  My Grandfather remarried when I was a child and I called her by her first name no Ms infront of it.  There was never an issue.  We tried comeing up with nicknames for her that was not Grandma or Nana and according to them no matter what we come up with its not anything but out of hate.  Not bending over backwards if the door will be slammed in  my face every time.   She will not call her self anything but Nana and well that is not up to her.  We rightfully had no say in who he married and they rightfully  have no say in what she is called to our child.  She actually tries to also compare herself to my husbands mother which no one can ever messure up to in my DH's eyes.  She also tries to tell DH his mother would be ashamed of him another big no no.  The woman tries to force herself on people and it comes across at least to me as fake.  I don't handle fake people well at all.  I was raised in a house where we called people by their first name I don't see it as rude at all.

holliberri

When I was going down south to see my Aunt, I had to say "Yes, Ma'am" or "No, Sir." I had to say that b/c even though it wasn't rude in the northeast to just say "Yes" it was rude to them.

I can see why you might think she is fake, although it sounds like she would just like to feel like apart of your FIL's family. I can see where a first name basis might not be acceptable to her. It wasn't to my mother, and the grandchildren in question are actually her spouse's ex-stepdaughter, not even a current one. 

It may not be rude to you  that your child calls people by their first name, but many people do think it is rude. That's a pretty big part of our culture in the U.S. (are you in the U.S.?). There are perceptions that are made by children calling people by their first names (not so much in our generation....I saw your age on another post, but in generations older than us, this is a really big deal), but in other ways.

I would feel very left out and very hurt if the husband I married was called a name by my grandchild and I was just "Holly." I do think there is a solution to your problem somewhere in compromise. She doesn't necessarily need to fulfill a full-blown grandma role for a name. It's like you're saying she doesn't really count. Anyhow, good luck, I'm sure the right answer is out there somewhere.

FAFE? Where are you? You're name is a classic example of this. You are FAFE to your GKs, and Aunt Fafe to nieces and nephews.

holliberri

By *his grandchild. Sorry, I can't edit.

FAFE

Holly, I am in Georgia.  Today one of my sisters was here for Easter dinner.  She still calls me Fafe Jean! 

holliberri

LOL, thanks Fafe!

I was just pointing out that there might be an acceptable alternative. Your name means grandma to some and to others it means something else. It still is really special.

SassyDI, if she ever dropped the "Nana" idea, is there a moniker you would find acceptable for her aside from a first name?

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 24, 2011, 06:24:57 PM
LOL, thanks Fafe!

I was just pointing out that there might be an acceptable alternative. Your name means grandma to some and to others it means something else. It still is really special.

SassyDI, if she ever dropped the "Nana" idea, is there a moniker you would find acceptable for her aside from a first name?

As I said we tried that and she flat out refuses says its contrived.  All our names we picked are not out of love according to her but of hate.  One was I guess a name that made FIL mad because it was a 1940 Cartoon Characters which I did not know about being as I was not born until around 40 years later.  The name ment a kind person which I do not feel that way about her so I have to say I stepped up to compermise.  There idea of compermise is Step Grandma and nothing else.  Well sorry they don't get to decide we do after all we are the parents. 

Rose799

How would you feel about allowing her "Grand" status, along with her name or a nickname, i.e. Grand-Fafe...?

holliberri

That idea is nice.

I do think the name has to work for both of you. I wouldn't want to be referred and known for the rest of my life as a name I didn't like at all.

I think a lot of stepparents can be too pushy out of insecurity and a want/need to fit in with the family somehow. My stepdad has been pushy at times, but after almost 12 years, it's all worked out now.

luise.volta

When I married Val he was 78. Five years later when his grandson got married...the wedding planner was seating us and asked who I was and I foolishly said..."Grandmother Luise." She looked at her list and said, "No, there is only Grandmother Dorothy .Oh, here you are! You're the woman who is with the Grandfather but that's OK, you can sit with him!"
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama