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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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HollyB

Normal don't have to mean good.  listening to complaints is interfering.  listen to your kid go sound off about your Dil and now the MIL will see her different.  you show your son its okay to sound off about his spouse to people who still have to look at her face tommorow and for years.   Now when ever you try to talk your Dil you know her problems but she don't know you know. Now You have to always keep track.  Theirs your resentment and trouble.  unwritten law is not to listen to someone whine about people in your family that you still want to spend time with.  Its called Respect.

LaurieS

I dunno... right or wrong the door is open if my kids want to talk, whether it's advice or just a sounding board that they are searching for.. I'll be there.  Sometimes all our kids need is a sympathetic ear, or reassurance that they are doing a great job.

I know that my dil speaks to her mother daily.. there is no way pieces of their the couples personal life is not coming into play in those conversations.  I've seen it with my own daughter as well.. she might only be engaged but they are blending their lives together at this time.. and I think that her father and I are capable of offering sound advice when asked.. at what point do I slam the door shut and say take it to your husband, your wife, your whatever?

SassyDI

Quote from: Sheen on April 24, 2011, 12:52:50 am
Just to play devil's advocate though, don't you think it is somewhat normal for our adult kids to be able to bring up subjects pertaining to their spouses . I mean for years you have spoken to them about the people they date, their relationships etc if you have had a good communication base with them.  I don't think the trouble is in the listening end , I think the trouble starts when we try to intervene . Any of my kids can come to me with any problem, if only to sound off but rarely do I ever give advice on how to handle it or get in the middle of their problems. I also think it is unwritten law that dil's should tread cautiously in complaining about our sons or sil about our daughters, regardless what kind of relationship they have with their ils.  In some ways I think it breeds resentment and causes trouble.
Steps off soap box to avoid the tomatoes being thrown lol


Depends on what it is and how bad or why they are talking to their parents.  If the DS/DD is trying to get advice for a super tough issue sure but he or she needs to let the other know they are going to the other parents after all there should be no secerts in a marriage.  I mean or their being abused I can see that too.(this is about the only one I can think of where you should keep the secert)  But calling ones mother to tattle on their spouse is not ok.  Then you got MIL over here laughing about it and the SonIL/dIL is either in the dark or knows and the couple is now fighting. 

pam1

Laurie, I think when it becomes something you wouldn't tell to the other party, that's the line.  It's probably going to be different for everyone too and depending on exactly what's going on. 

I've often felt that when MIL complains about me to DH and others that if it is not important enough to tell me, than it's not important enough in general to even be discussed. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: Laurie on April 24, 2011, 06:43:32 am
I dunno... right or wrong the door is open if my kids want to talk, whether it's advice or just a sounding board that they are searching for.. I'll be there.  Sometimes all our kids need is a sympathetic ear, or reassurance that they are doing a great job.

I know that my dil speaks to her mother daily.. there is no way pieces of their the couples personal life is not coming into play in those conversations.  I've seen it with my own daughter as well.. she might only be engaged but they are blending their lives together at this time.. and I think that her father and I are capable of offering sound advice when asked.. at what point do I slam the door shut and say take it to your husband, your wife, your whatever?


Again it depends on the issue.  Will it help their relationship with there spouse?  Will it help your relationship with SonIL or DIL? If its no to both them its off limits.  Leave and Cleave as Doctor Phill would say its time to learn to sort it out between each other.  Also depends on the mother to and how she will take it.  Is she the type that just listens and doesn't react to what is said?  Or is she the type that find happiness in her SONIL/DIL's faults?    Last what is the intent on talking about this?  If its to get advice?  Or is it to in a sense make fun of the spouse. 

LaurieS

Quote from: SassyDI on April 24, 2011, 07:01:01 am
Again it depends on the issue.  Will it help their relationship with there spouse?  Will it help your relationship with SonIL or DIL? If its no to both them its off limits.  Leave and Cleave as Doctor Phill would say its time to learn to sort it out between each other.  Also depends on the mother to and how she will take it.  Is she the type that just listens and doesn't react to what is said?  Or is she the type that find happiness in her SONIL/DIL's faults?    Last what is the intent on talking about this?  If its to get advice?  Or is it to in a sense make fun of the spouse.


Yeah well I think Dr Phil needs to visit a shrink himself :)  Seriously I do.. and the "Leave and Cleave" has approximate 20 page discussion on these boards.

I don't see my son or many others contacting their mothers in order to degrade their spouses.. if this was the case, talking to Mom and Dad should be the last of their worries.

Here is a true life example..so you guys tell me.  I was in the process of moving, my huge entertainment center is one that my son always loved.. so I offered to give it to the kids.. this was not a valuable piece but was pretty.. matched their house, was something my son had once mentioned he'd love to own.  So I gave it to the kids.. everyone is happy. 

I had decided to sell my dining set, pretty antique draw-leaf table and chairs.. I said if you guys can use it (their table is being held together with a clamp.. no lie) I said you may want to eventually change out the chairs for something not soooo victorian.    DIL calls the day they are placing the entertainment center in a truck and son tells her about the dining set.. she calls my cell and says well if you are just trying to get rid of your stuff we'll take it and put it in the resale shop.  Ok my end of the conversation consisted of a sound that sounded to her like "click".  Kinda sounded that way on my end too. 

My son took the next call and said my parents aren't trying to give you junk (cleaned it up) furniture they are trying to allow us to have better until we can afford to buy our own... after that of course there was a conversation... I apologized and said that I did not know that she was that against 'used' furniture I guess since I never looked at my expensive antique pieces as used I assumed she wouldn't either.  He stated that she isn't against used furniture, she is against my used furniture.  With that we understood everything, it was clear precise and laid out. 

So was he 'wrong' for having this conversation with us?  Now the day she piped up and said oh if you aren't going to use that 42" flat screen we'll take it.. yes I was wrong for saying.. sorry you don't want our leftovers .. yes I was.

holliberri

I think a telling example of a line bring crossed when it comes to communication with the parents is when it becomes two against one. There is no room for three in a marriage, except in Big Love!

When the child and parent are using the communication as fodder, which I have read examples in here....that is where the problem lies.

Even if the other party doesn't know they are talked about in that manner, it is undermining the communication in the marriage between the spouses. I wouldn't feel loved by my husband at all if  that was going on behind my back.

holliberri

Laurie, that sounds totally different to me. I know there was a phone involved, but it was the direct communication between you and her that your DS had to step in for. At that point, you weren't getting anywhere with her. That is the perfect time to step in. Plus that communication wasn't really going on behind her back.

It is the examples in Rejected's post I think a DIL would be afraid of.

SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 24, 2011, 08:20:43 am
Laurie, that sounds totally different to me. I know there was a phone involved, but it was the direct communication between you and her that your DS had to step in for. At that point, you weren't getting anywhere with her. That is the perfect time to step in. Plus that communication wasn't really going on behind her back.

It is the examples in Rejected's post I think a DIL would be afraid of.


I agree.  Also think of it this way did you like when you DH went to his own mother back when you were their age?

Sheen

Laurie,   I laughed out loud when I read "Now the day she piped up and said oh if you aren't going to use that 42" flat screen we'll take it.. yes I was wrong for saying.. sorry you don't want our leftovers .. yes I was. "  I can actually hear one of my kids saying that lol.   As far as taking second hand stuff, I think the perception changes as we get older.  In my younger years, I can remember after dong my living room over, all I wanted was new, modern furniture to put in it. Push forward twenty years and I would not even look at it. Unless it dates back to at least early 19th century, I don't even want to know about it these days.
 
In a perfect world, I think the whole marriage with perfect honesty is a beautiful thought but quite frankly I don't think I know of one marriage that actually follows those lines.  There are always some things that either you are speaking to your girlfriend or relative about that perhaps you have not mentioned to your significant other . I am not speaking of major or life changing things but in any relationship there are just some things that either you forgot to mention to your s/o or chose to not speak about it. 
When it comes to my kids, I will listen to any vent or concern they have regardless of what they are  speaking of , and if there is a problem with whoever they are in a relationship with , I will advise them to discuss it with them as well.   I never am the one to bring a problem to them  about their  significant others, however so maybe thats the difference and I would not expect their significant others to bring me a problem about one of my own. 

Pen

It's the deep down marriage-shattering stuff that I don't want to discuss with DS or DIL, to their faces or behind their backs. When they wed, we who were witnessing their vows also vowed to not "tear assunder" or words to that effect. I take vows very seriously and am proud that DS does too, so even if his method of saving his marriage meant his FOO was cut off I'd have to honor that. It would seriously hurt me and my family. I'd be very angry and upset with the situation and blisteringly livid with DIL & her FOO, but I truly believe that his marriage comes first now and I would back up his decision.

We actually came close to this happening as many of you may remember. DS vented about DIL's hatred of us (no specific reason or anything we'd done, she & her FOO just didn't like us), we listened for a bit and then told him we loved him but he had to work it out with his wife. It was one of the worst days, or should I say months of my life, waiting to hear something from DS. Luckily DS stood up for us and DIL backed down. I've been told DH & I are appreciated for our "hands off" style, and I guess that's some consolation. Wish we could sometimes be front and center like DIL's FOO is, but oh well...
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

SassyDI

Quote from: Pen on April 24, 2011, 09:19:48 am
It's the deep down marriage-shattering stuff that I don't want to discuss with DS or DIL, to their faces or behind their backs. When they wed, we who were witnessing their vows also vowed to not "tear assunder" or words to that effect. I take vows very seriously and am proud that DS does too, so even if his method of saving his marriage meant his FOO was cut off I'd have to honor that. It would seriously hurt me and my family. I'd be very angry and upset with the situation and blisteringly livid with DIL & her FOO, but I truly believe that his marriage comes first now and I would back up his decision.

We actually came close to this happening as many of you may remember. DS vented about DIL's hatred of us (no specific reason or anything we'd done, she & her FOO just didn't like us), we listened for a bit and then told him we loved him but he had to work it out with his wife. It was one of the worst days, or should I say months of my life, waiting to hear something from DS. Luckily DS stood up for us and DIL backed down. I've been told DH & I are appreciated for our "hands off" style, and I guess that's some consolation. Wish we could sometimes be front and center like DIL's FOO is, but oh well...


Our biggest problem are boundries with his FIL and his wife.  They try to cross them so his wife has not seen DD for about a year and half.  FIL did see her once since then but even he has been about 6 months.  They won't respect our boudries we have with DD so they don't see her.  It wasn't an easy choice more for DH then I(DH's family never really gave me a chance before they judged me) but it was what we felt was best for the situation. 

Pen

Oh, the dreaded "B" word! I know we all have the right to put boundaries in place but the term bothers me. That old cowboy song comes to mind: "Don't Fence Me In."

But seriously SassyDI, what boundaries did you set up and which ones did MIL try to cross? I know this is an important issue.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

SassyDI

Quote from: Pen on April 24, 2011, 09:49:59 am
Oh, the dreaded "B" word! I know we all have the right to put boundaries in place but the term bothers me. That old cowboy song comes to mind: "Don't Fence Me In."

But seriously SassyDI, what boundaries did you set up and which ones did MIL try to cross? I know this is an important issue.


A.  She is not my MIL Dh doesn't consider her his stepmother
B.  She want to be Nana or Step Grandma.  But my mother is Nana and DH's who passed away is the only Grandma on his side in our eyes.  Lets just say it became an uncomfortable situation with them and her name.  They want to let us call her what we call her they will call her what they want.  And the rest of the fam can choose to call her what they want to, to DD.  Sorry but that is  not happing.  We all have to be on the same page not to confuse her.  So until they respect yes our boundries they will not see her.

SassyDI

Quote from: SassyDI on April 24, 2011, 10:21:25 am
Quote from: Pen on April 24, 2011, 09:49:59 am
Oh, the dreaded "B" word! I know we all have the right to put boundaries in place but the term bothers me. That old cowboy song comes to mind: "Don't Fence Me In."

But seriously SassyDI, what boundaries did you set up and which ones did MIL try to cross? I know this is an important issue.


A.  She is not my MIL Dh doesn't consider her his stepmother
B.  She want to be Nana or Step Grandma.  But my mother is Nana and DH's who passed away is the only Grandma on his side in our eyes.  Lets just say it became an uncomfortable situation with them and her name.  They want to let us call her what we call her they will call her what they want.  And the rest of the fam can choose to call her what they want to, to DD.  Sorry but that is  not happing.  We all have to be on the same page not to confuse her.  So until they respect yes our boundries they will not see her.
Opps Who's mother passed away