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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

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holliberri

ADil,

Are we a little apprehensive about this weekend's visit? Seriously, ST said several times she was ranting. So long as none of this comes across to her DIL when the discussion happens, I don't see a problem.

ST,

I think most people I have met are inflexible until reality hits them in the face. No big deal. I also think that  her mom's ignoring the rules will wear thin. I was pretty aggravated with my mother this morning over the fan.

Sun_is_still_shining

Holy Smokes! Such upset feelings and the actual scheduled child minding has yet to start.. Hrmm.

I think the whole talking about the rules is a great idea. Your DIL can have an oppertunity to hear you out and inturn she can explain the reasoning for her rules. This could be a good way to start taking the relationship down a better path or at least to see DIL for her true colours. I know with me, I was really anal at first when I became a mother. But, I know it's because I read way too much and I just wanted the absolute best for my DD. I easily overeducate myself and stress out. I have changed quite a bit over the 3 years of having her around but there are rules that have lasted and I firmly believe in.

That being said, I've never been in the situation that your in ST. I had my mom do most of the babysitting for me, when I returned to university (DD was a year) since MIL and I never really had much of a relationship to begin with (nor with my DH, might I add)..  (I have 3 SILs and I'm the only one who doesn't let her do whatever she wants). (AHEM, backround info, MIL and I have a long 6 year history of unfortunate disasters..) DM and I did knock heads over a pile of issues, such a TV time, routines, etc. But with good communication, open-mindness, and a willingness to listen to each other things are usually pretty good. We aren't always on the same wavelength tho. LOL! I think the MIL/DIL relationship is tougher since it's easier to be insulted and we are less likely give each other respect as easily as we do with our FOO.  It sounds like DIL is on a trip of residual post-pregancy hormones and she isn't going to be easy to deal with.. but try anyway, maybe things will turn out right.

If the talk between you and your DIL goes really sour, I think that option #1 (daycare/MIL and mom) sounded really good. That way you could get a break from your over demanding DIL and still get alot of quality time with you GD. It would be hard to bring up but you could sit down with DS and DIL, so then no one can twist what you had to say since both parties are present.  It sounds like your DIL isn't going to be changing anytime soon, so if you decide to to go ahead with the babysitting be prepared for the massive demand list. Wishing you lots of luck!

stilltryen

Just got the news from DS, he has been discussing these issues non-stop with her for the past week.  DIL has come to the realization that it's fine for them to drop off the baby here two days a week - so, no, I don't have to travel down there.  Yay!  Also, it's fine about the tv, as long as I'm not in the same room with her.  She may be the mom, but evidently it's dawned on her that GD has a father with some input as well.  The other 98% of the rules, no problem!!

Anonymous, you're right.  I wasn't paying attention to your name.  I know that everyone here posts with their own experiences and backgrounds, from the sound of your post you may have had some issues with grandparents.  We take DS & DIL to the airport when they travel (and they do frequently), my younger son goes to their house to watch their dogs, we have them over to our house a lot, we get together with family, but for the most part, we leave them alone and don't bother them.  I like my DIL and I do respect her.  She drives me crazy at times because she has her moments with a couple of her nutty rules, but I seriously doubt that DS would ever let her cut us out of GD's life completely.  Frankly, I don't think her parents would let her either, as I said, they break her rules with impunity.

I think it's sad that you would cut someone out of your child's life simply because they disagreed with you on an issue.  If someone tells you that they're not comfortable with some decision you've arrived at regarding the care of your child, before you get so antagonistic, perhaps you might sit down and chat and find out what led the other person to reach that conclusion.  If, after a discussion, you still feel strongly about it, then sure, don't leave your child.  However, if your MIL or mother is reaching out to you and trying, most times there is no better person.  However, you know your own situation better than anyone.

Anyway, I'm a happy camper!  Let the babysitting begin.

Sun_is_still_shining

Yay! Well that's good news!!  Just take DIL with a grain of salt, she's probably justs wants to feel like she's getting input in. It does show how much she cares about her DD. Better than a parent who doesn't say anything and just drops their kid off and runs for the hills. Enjoy that lovely GD :)

Sassy

My name is Sassy.  I have been a member of WWU since at least 2009, when it was still MILunite.
I was inactive for a while due to work, but I posted on this thread yesterday.
Today a "newbie" named herself SassyDI (??), and made one post - and wise women, "SassyDI" is not Sassy


I will respectfully message her and ask if she could change her name to one another member is not already using. 


To clarify: The below post was not written by the "real" Sassy :-)
QuoteHello new to the group so I am hope I am not stepping on any toes.  I truley believe that families hiring family is a very bad idea.  My mother does watch DD(3) on occasion but I would never have her watch my daughter as a "job." Most mother's have a view point on how to raise a child.  My parents did, you do and so do I.  For example Carseat saftey is a really big deal for me and my mother did not get why.  When I told her that I was going to RF(rear face) her for over a year she told me I was crazy that I shouldn't do it.  That she never did that with me so why was I doing that to DD.  We kept DD rfing until I couldn't any longer because the way my DH's van seat was it was laying back to far and that was not safe.  So I had to turn her around in my DH's van so I did it in my car too.  When she saw the pictures she got a little smug "So you changed your mine huh"  No I didn't change my mind or way of thinking but it was not possiable to do it.  DD will be harnessed for as long as she can be and I am sure my mother will have something to say about that. 

I think you being smug on what you think are your DIL's "Failures" and I really don't get that.  My mother can be like that herself and I have to say it does't do anyone a world of good.  You "experts at parenting" sometimes forget that you once walked in our shoes and I am sure you didn't want your MIL treating you the way you are acting.  You have all these hopes and dreams and goals to be the best mom ever. And sometimes those gaols are either over the top or just to hard reach.  People change there mind all the time.  And just because she change her mind doesn't make her wrong at all. 

I honestly from the post I read don't think you watching your GC is a good idea at all.  You want to play I am a mother I know best card.  And thats not a way to start out watching your GC.  After all times are different things that were ok back when you had children are not ok now. (example I am sure you put your son down on his stomach to sleep babies now sleep on their backs).  So if you can't follow every rule even as dumb as it is just say nope I can't do it sorry this is to much.  But don't sneak and break the rules just be honest.  After all its only going to cause problems when they find out. 

(NOT written by Sassy)  :D

Pen

Thought that was so, "real" Sassy! Glad to have you back, and glad to welcome the new SassyDI. I agree it might be a bit confusing, thanks for clarifying.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

overwhelmed123

Sassy, for what it's worth, it wasn't an issue when I read it- I could tell the name difference with no problem.  I think there are some other similar names here, as far as I know it hasn't caused an issue.

Sassy

Thank you Pen.  It's so good to see all these wise women again!  I remember when you were Pentasmen....

Love, the "real" Sassy  :-*
Since 2009
Proud to be a Full Member of WWU

Sassy

Thank you, overwhelmed.
I actually completely missed that post today when I had asked stilltryen about the tv.
When stilltryen had replied about "Sassy" and "issues" I was confused. 
I went back to re-read what I wrote yesterday. That's when realized another "SassyDI" signed up and wrote something that I believe stilltryen was actually responding to.

Felt a bit like a twilight zone episode for a moment ;D

Thanks again,
the "real" Sassy
Since 2009
Proud to be a Full Member of WWU

luise.volta

Good to see you back Sassy!  :D

When a person signs up they can't see the User Name list and are approved unless it's a total duplication. We have several like that.

And Welcome Sassy DI! You're in good company!  :)

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Sassy

Thank you Luise.  Thanks also for keeping the site going.  I got through a crazy tax season thinking "When it's over, I'll have time to check in".  What a warm and wonderful place you host.

Stilltryen - Hooray that you're not being asked to commute anymore, and that you don't have to worry about being "bad" when your husband relaxes with the tv.  Lots of luck!

Love,
the "real" Sassy
Since 2009
Proud to be a Full Member of WWU

SassyDI

Thank you Louise.  Glad to be here. 

luise.volta

And you are the real SassyDI!  ;)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

St:...Good news ...! give your DS a big kiss from the WW ....he's a wise boy ...just like his Mom .... :)

SassyDI

HAHAHAHA thanks.  Was thinking of writing that myself maybe thats what I should have called myself.

OP Yes I am a DIL.  Her stuff is not over the top plain and simple you just don't agree with her.  A new mother is learning the ropes giving her baby even to the grandmother can be very hard.  Maybe her feelings changed but it doesn't make her over the top it makes her human.  Futher as a former Childcare provider I can tell you this your GC was better off at daycare as an infant.  One day you might not want to do the watching and that child will have a harder time adjusting the older that child gets.  Babies adjust fast and easy when they are serveral months old.  The older they get the hard it is.