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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

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holliberri

It's not the walkers that are the issue as much as it is parents not paying 100% attention and those little guys moving too fast.

I think there were 40,000 injuries last year in the US, and not from falling down the steps either. Parents are using the gates, but the kids smash their hands on pieces of furniture and some of them are top heavy so the children fall and hit their head anyway. My pediatrician gave me some bunk about it being too confining and not using enough muscles...so it hindering walking...but I don't really believe that. She and I got square again though once she started talking injury and not development.

It's one of the precious few times in my life where I'll be able to provide protection for DD without her really realizing that's what I'm trying to do.  :)  :)

Rose799

Quote from: Holly on April 22, 2011, 07:09:09 AM
It's one of the precious few times in my life where I'll be able to provide protection for DD without her really realizing that's what I'm trying to do.  :)  :)

You'll be using reverse psychology soon, if not already...   : )

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6476423/looney-toons-reverse-psychology-works-on-child


holliberri

Rose!

Do you realize I make little sticky notes for myself and put them on my purse so I can get caught up on all of your links when you post them and I am at work!?

you always give me something to look forward to! LOL.

Rose799

I forget that you're at work.  I find most of these links using StumbleUpon.  It's an add-on for Mozilla Firefox that allows you to stumble upon sites that interest you.  You're given a list of topics to select from.  I've come across some really cool sites using it.

stilltryen

Anonymous and Sassy - I'm going out on a limb here and assume that you two are DILs.  It sounds a bit like you're projecting your issues into your responses to me.  First of all, no, I don't think I'm "older, wiser and all powerful."  I'm older and tired, but honestly trying to help them.  I most assuredly would NEVER want to raise a child at this stage in my life.  Believe it or not, I have a ton of other interests besides my granddaughter and I have two elderly parents that I have to help with as well.  I'm watching the baby two days a week.  That's it.  95% of her rules are fine with me, but no, if she asks me to put polka dots on the kid, I will say, in no uncertain terms, "No."  I don't care if she is the mother, and I'm also NOT going to dip her in candlestick wax, or put eyeshadow on her, or do anything that is just plain, absolutely nuts.  There is a line, and as much as you feel a MIL is obliged to obey all things from DIL, that's as silly as asking a DIL to obey all things MIL.

I wasn't being smug at her failures, I was trying to use humor to point out that she has made rules that were over the top to begin with.  I used cloth diapers on both my boys, but I did have disposables for when I went out.  Seriously, you'd think that anyone would, at minimum, consider that suggestion.  While I realize that MILs or parents might be over the top with suggestions, etc., it works both ways.  I'm not her mom so I never tell her anything about the baby.  I've made some suggestions which have been immediately rebuffed, so I normally only talk about the weather, or other benign issues.  As I said, I come here to rant - with her, nothing. 


overwhelmed123

I feel you, ST, and I understand your POV.  I do want to point out though, where you say-

Quotethat's as silly as asking a DIL to obey all things MIL

I think we need to take those 2 "titles" completely out of the equation here.  It's not just "obeying her command," it's respecting her right to raise her child the way she sees fit.  It's like, if you were a babysitter who wasn't her MIL, she'd write out the list of rules and you would need to respect it because it's her CHILD, not because she's "the DIL."  KWIM?  She's the parent- I think that's the only reason this is a sticky mess.  That's the only reason it isn't "silly" for you to "obey" her here.  Because technically, if she's the parent and she has a "rule," even if you deem it "silly," it is her rule and as long as it's not harming the child, it is your responsibility to abide by those rules if she has left her child under your care with the assumption that you ARE abiding by those rules.   A rule that is silly to someone could mean the world to someone else, so these are completely subjective- but the parent has the ultimate say.

You are soooo right in that you have the right to say, "No," but what that should mean is, "no, those rules are not conducive to my lifestyle, so unfortunatelyI won't be able to watch the baby for you anymore."  Instead of, "no, I won't follow those rules whether you like it or not- and maybe you'll find out but maybe you won't."

holliberri

I don't think any of us are saying that her rules are not ridiculous. But, with ridiculous rules, here are the options:

1.) Listen to them, and honestly follow them and enjoy watching your GK despite the nonsense.
2.) Ignore them, possibly get caught and give her ammunition that let's face it, she  may be dying to use....and then likely not "EVER babysit the child again." ( I put that in quotes b/c I've read the horror stories on here).
3.) Read the rule list and ask about the rules honestly. Be up front with what you can do and what you can not do, and be secure  with the fact that she may decide to put the baby in daycare.

#1 allows you the ability to look like you did everything according to instruction. It also gives her some time to think about her rules and adjust them. All parents do that, she has already done that with the diapers. Most people don't keep doing the  wrong thing for very long when they figure it out. It's okay to give  them time to figure it out.

# 2....sounds like a total landmine to me.

#3...it establishes some form of communication, and you might get very good reasons for why she and your DS choose to have those rules in place. The communication is a must for anyone watching someone else's child, no matter a GP/nanny/friend/daycare. It also allows you to point out that you respect her rules although you might not agree. She does sound a little more flexible a few days after the fact than right away...so your words may just sink in, or they may not. If they don't, she might have very good reason.

stilltryen

overwhelmed, there's really only the tv issue that I have with her rules.  Like I posted earlier, if hubby comes home from work and wants to watch tv, I will not ask him to turn it off because she has a rule about the tv being on around her daughter.  As I've noted, I'm not parking the kid in front of the tv, and I can certainly be in another part of the house where you can't hear the tv, but that's simply not a rule I'm following.  It's still our home and hubby has a right to watch tv for an hour or so if he wants. 

Because of the feedback on here, I will be discussing this with her and telling her flat out that this rule is not acceptable and ask her what she wants to do.  Incidentally, DS thinks it's another of her over the top rules, and hmmmmmm, he's the father.  Or do they not count, kind of like MILs?  DS said keeping her in another part of the house was fine with him, GD can't hear the tv anyway - but DIL's rule is "No television set is to be on AT ALL in the house . . ." 

overwhelmed123

I'm glad you are going to communicate your feelings to her.  I would strongly suggest you not using the phrase though, that this rule is "not acceptable."  You may want to try saying, "that just won't work for our household,"  or, like I mentioned earlier, "I'm not sure that is going to be conducive to our lifestyle, do you think it would be okay with you if the tv is on in the other room but she isn't watching it?"

Sassy

Did they agree to the babysitting being done at your house, instead of theirs?

Just thinking that the TV on when DH relaxes after work in your house thing, might not matter, if the child care is taking place outside your home anyway.

holliberri

ST,

I am really glad you're going to be honest with her. Just say it and let it sink in. She may be inconsiderate, but she does sound more flexible than I thought. That's probably a good thing.

Pen

Quote from: stilltryen on April 22, 2011, 09:57:09 AM
overwhelmed, there's really only the tv issue that I have with her rules.  Like I posted earlier, if hubby comes home from work and wants to watch tv, I will not ask him to turn it off because she has a rule about the tv being on around her daughter.  As I've noted, I'm not parking the kid in front of the tv, and I can certainly be in another part of the house where you can't hear the tv, but that's simply not a rule I'm following.  It's still our home and hubby has a right to watch tv for an hour or so if he wants. 

Because of the feedback on here, I will be discussing this with her and telling her flat out that this rule is not acceptable and ask her what she wants to do.  Incidentally, DS thinks it's another of her over the top rules, and hmmmmmm, he's the father.  Or do they not count, kind of like MILs?  DS said keeping her in another part of the house was fine with him, GD can't hear the tv anyway - but DIL's rule is "No television set is to be on AT ALL in the house . . ."

Beware, ST, you may be in the position of being set up to fail. Once you fail DIL can use it to cut you off. I truly hope I'm wrong and Holly and others are correct in their assessment that your DIL is less rigid than originally described, but I would use caution in approaching her about your POV.

I agree that DS is the dad and should be part of the rule making process. Sometimes it does seem that the dads and their FOOs are treated as less than worthy, at least that's how it's likely to go down in my situation.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

stilltryen

Yes, DIL broke that "rule" with no second thought at all.  The original deal between us was that I would watch GD here at my home, since it's on the way to work for them.  Sassy, you're right, not an issue if I go down there.  I don't watch tv at all, except sometimes in the evening, so no big deal to me.  If I'm watching her here, we're back to square one.  We're still deliberating that issue.

She's flexible when reality hits her in the face, until then she digs in her heels.  Her mother, whom, as I said, I've known for years and we get along well, laughs at a lot of them and immediately breaks them (like her hospital rule).  There's a long list of things she's come up with (didn't affect us, but her parents) and her parents have just kind of, "Oh, honey, that's just plain silly." and ignored them.  I don't have that luxury. 


AnonymousDIL

Yes, I'm a DIL. Thought that was obvious by my name. I'm just trying to point out that it is HER child and you should respect her wishes or you might not be allowed to watch your GC. I'm sure you do have a life outside of GD, but I doubt you'd want a life with no GD in it at all.

You sound, IMHO, extremely antagonistic towards your DIL (DIL's in general?) as evidenced by your phrase of the rule being "unacceptable" in your house. Well, if I were your DIL and you said that to me I would take it as the cue to not leave my child with you.

I think you are playing with fire and our going to get burned. You really should find a way out of doing this or it is going to blow up and be very very bad.

Also, just going to throw this out there. Grandparents actually have NO "visitation" rights when it comes to their grandchild as long as the child's parents are still married.

Just be careful. I think it is awful when families cut members out of their lives.

lancaster lady

Stilltryin has said nothing to her DIL ....she is just ranting here on this forum .....that's what we are here for .

My GD loves TV and has done since she was born .... she loves the colours and the music ....we have baby programmes here
which are an early learning process .She only watches maybe a half hour a day .....I don't find that excessive .

no tv anywhere in the house is crazy , what happens if the house is massive ? You would never hear it .....I hardly think a tv
on in a house with a baby is a cut off situation .