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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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stilltryen

Holly, yep - this is the same couple - my house is much cleaner than theirs.  I'm not saying that because I'm all Ms. Housekeeper, but I have the time and I did grow up with Lady Lysol.  Don't have my mom's same standards, by any stretch of the imagination, but also don't have the dust and cobwebs at my house that they have at theirs - so there you have it.  However, in fairness, since they had the baby, they've done much better.  The dust is not quite as thick and cobwebs are down considerably.

Baby is 3 months old - not old enough to have house childproofed or crawl yet. 

I'm not sure I understand the logic that it's better to get baby ready and take her to daycare 2 days a week for $900 a month, and spend an extra 40 minutes commute time, as opposed to getting baby ready and taking her to grandma's for $0 a month and spending an extra 15 minutes commute time.  I gave them the option, they accepted it.  All I need is a diaper bag, if baby needs other stuff, we'll buy it.  We have an extra bedroom we can have just for her, her toys, a crib, etc.  DIL was the one who changed her mind and started to make other demands.  She wouldn't be able to do that with the daycare - and, yet, somehow that logic just escapes her brain.   

I am given a list of "rules," and I always go by them.  If DIL says to wake the baby up at XX time, I do.  If she says to feed baby at XX time, that's exactly what I do.  She's just control crazy.  Here's another example.  Every time they've called and asked us to babysit, we have.  Since DIL has been off for 4 months with the baby, she's called me a few times to come down to their house to watch baby, she's had an appointment or whatever.  I have gone down there willingly and happily, no problem.  One day I was rocking the baby to sleep and she was sleeping in my arms.  She'd been asleep about 5 minutes and I was about to get up from the rocking chair and put her in her crib when DIL got home.  I stayed where I was for a few more minutes chatting with her before I got up.  The next set of rules included, "Don't hold baby in your arms when she's fallen asleep.  Put her in her crib immediately.  Holding her will disrupt her sleeping pattern."  What???  A month later, she's chatting and says, "Yeah, my mom loves to rock the baby to sleep and then sits there and holds her and just watches her sleep.  It's so cute to watch them."  What???  So when I do the exact SAME thing, it disrupts her sleep pattern, but when HER mom does it - it's "cute"???


pam1

Quote from: Scoop on April 20, 2011, 10:04:24 am

If they were prepared to spend $900 a month on daycare, and you talked them out of it, then please KNOW (deep in your heart) that they think they're doing YOU a favour, not the other way around.

And if you decide to opt out, I truly believe that you will be crucified over it.  They will say "See?  We should have just stuck to daycare, they would NOT be allowed to just cancel on us like that!"


These are really, really good points. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Kennedy

Wow!!! I had no idea that Daycare cost that much. I suppose if a Parent has a good/ great paying job that is all okay?
I was curious if you and your DIL had a nice relationship before she had children? A common ground of friendship?

Rose799

Quote from: Holly on April 20, 2011, 10:36:34 am
Rose...you are a trip. You are always making me laugh. (However serious you were just now).


I'll put it this way, Holly...Have you rubberized the hinges on your furniture?  That's "hinges," not "handles"...I'd already removed all those.  Seriously, I was asked to do that.

pam1

Wait, now I am confused.  If the baby is 3 months old and Mom has stayed home for 4 months, have you actually done the daycare during the week?  Or has it just been the occasional babysitting when she asks?

I do think it's awfully hard to be a first time parent, they are going to try something, change their mind, try something else, change it again.  I don't think it's really possible to tell a parent to nail something down in writing and they must abide by it. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

stilltryen

Oh, and no, we never ask about their finances and vice versa.  I'm sure they can afford the $900 a month for daycare, that's not the issue.  I just thought they could apply the money somewhere else.  DS still has college loans, they have two new vehicles, etc.  Where they choose to spend their money and on what is their own thing.  We don't pry and, other than the daycare, we have never commented.  We watched the baby the other evening while they went to dinner and the theatre.  DS told me later they dropped about $400 that night, between the dinner, the theatre tickets, after dinner drinks, etc.  My response?  "I'm glad you two had a good time!"

And no, we have never, ever asked them for a dime either. 


holliberri

I have a 10 month old. She's about to walk anyday. The only thing I've done is plug the electric sockets, move the poisonous stuff and childproof the handles she can reach. I'm not going to drive myself or others crazy. She will fall, she will hit her head. She needs to learn to live in a house with dangers (that means the edges of furniture). As a parent, I will actually have to watch her, and use the word "No" consistently. But, people think I'm a helicopter mom b/c I didn't get a walker for her. 

I never heard of rubberized hinges. I wouldn't buy them if I had. I wouldn't expect others to do so, and I'd wager you wouldn't find them in a daycare either. LOL. I'm so sorry, Rose.

stilltryen

pam1, baby was born in December, I messed up - she's 4 months old.  Sorry, but still not ready to crawl or have house baby proofed.  I have done quite a fair amount of babysitting for them, DIL realized that it was easy to call me and I would readily drop whatever plans I had and go watch the baby.  I have gone to their house half the time and she's dropped her off here the other times.

Also, I'm not at all opposed to daycare.  They have excellent programs and do a lot with kids.  I had to put my youngest son in daycare for 2 years and he enjoyed it.  However, when they're that little, there is considerable research out there that clearly states if you have the option (note, IF you have the option), it's healthier for babies to be with loved ones.  I can say I'm gob-smacked with that baby.  I have a big problem making myself put her down while I do things.  I just want to hold her, stare at her, talk to her, etc.  I love watching her face, I love to see the expressions on her face, I love her smile, she is the light of my life. 

holliberri

ST,

There is just as much considerable research that clearly states that a baby in daycare that young is just as healthy as a baby at home, even if you have the option. I don't believe either of us are right or wrong on that, we just have our opinions. Your GK will be every bit as wonderful, loved, attached and smart as she is right now, if you decide being a caretaker won't work at this point.

stilltryen

Holly, yep, I suppose for everything, there is enough evidence to support both sides.  It won't be my decision not to be a caretaker, it will be DIL's decision.  I'm ready, willing and able - but no, I don't think I will cave to her every little rule and demand.  By doing so, I will be jeopardizing our entire future because she will know that whatever she decides, we'll jump through hoops - and trust me, my hubby is already ready to strangle her.

If she decides that because I'm not going to take on the added stress of dealing with their house, their dogs, the commute, etc., when it's clearly easier for DS to spend 12 or so minutes dropping her off here, I can accept that.  However, my thought is that she will be creating a major rift with DS (who is also furious at her for changing her mind) that might not be mended.  We'll see.

holliberri

Well, I think a rift between her and your DS will have very little to do with you.

As far as I know, daycares, even the expensive-er ones don't come to your house and pick your child up, and they don't really do in-home service either. So, I'm not really sure what she is trying to accomplish with not wanting to drop the baby off.

Rose799

Quote from: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 10:39:23 am
The next set of rules included, "Don't hold baby in your arms when she's fallen asleep.  Put her in her crib immediately.  Holding her will disrupt her sleeping pattern."  What???  A month later, she's chatting and says, "Yeah, my mom loves to rock the baby to sleep and then sits there and holds her and just watches her sleep.  It's so cute to watch them."  What???  So when I do the exact SAME thing, it disrupts her sleep pattern, but when HER mom does it - it's "cute"???


We should talk, ST...  I was told the same thing, but dd found it cute when dh not only allowed gc to remain sleeping; dh slept, too.  She even marked the occasion with a photo, & shushed me, so as not to wake them.  She doesn't mind df's closeness to gc, only mine.  She'd get upset that gc cried when they'd leave, as though I had some type of hold over him.  I know being a 1st time mom is emotional & how difficult it must be to have to start back to work.  You'd have thought from the way she treated me, I was personally responsible for it.  I walked on egg shells for 2 years & now that she's a SAHM, our gc rarely visit our home.  I think it is the green eyed monster.  I never figured out how to slay him...  Scoop is right.  Be very careful not to upset the apple cart. 


Rose799

Quote from: Holly on April 20, 2011, 10:53:30 am
I have a 10 month old. She's about to walk anyday. The only thing I've done is plug the electric sockets, move the poisonous stuff and childproof the handles she can reach. I'm not going to drive myself or others crazy. She will fall, she will hit her head. She needs to learn to live in a house with dangers (that means the edges of furniture). As a parent, I will actually have to watch her, and use the word "No" consistently. But, people think I'm a helicopter mom b/c I didn't get a walker for her. 

I never heard of rubberized hinges. I wouldn't buy them if I had. I wouldn't expect others to do so, and I'd wager you wouldn't find them in a daycare either. LOL. I'm so sorry, Rose.


No, you're not a helicopter mom, Holly.  Those are moms who stand over dc 24/7.  As for the rubberized hinges, those are custom built.  I'm doing better; I can laugh about it now.   ;D ;D   You dil's have restored my faith in young people!  Thank you SOOO much!



stilltryen

Quote from: Holly on April 20, 2011, 11:41:09 am
Well, I think a rift between her and your DS will have very little to do with you.

As far as I know, daycares, even the expensive-er ones don't come to your house and pick your child up, and they don't really do in-home service either. So, I'm not really sure what she is trying to accomplish with not wanting to drop the baby off.


Just trying to exert control.  When she was pregnant, she decided that when she went into labor she didn't want anyone in the delivery room (we had ABSOLUTELY no intention of ever being in the delivery room), she didn't want anyone in the waiting room, etc.  She told DS she didn't even want him to call and let anyone know they were going to the hospital!!  DS refused, told her she was being totally out of control.  He was going to call.  Her parents ended up in the delivery room, they were at the hospital the whole time, etc.  DIL got over it.  We, of course, were allowed to visit and see the baby for about an hour, then were told she was too tired and could we leave, please, so she could get some rest.  Her parents stayed in the room and at the hospital as we left.

holliberri

If I may, if this is the case...why be the caretaker at all? If she's a control freak, you're putting yourself in a position to be controlled, even with the best of intentions.

I wouldn't want the headache if I were you. I'd want to see my GK once in awhile, maybe do the once-a-week thing, and that would be that. I wouldn't enjoy that much aggravation.