Need the Wisdom

[Rose799]

One day, a friend said to me, in describing someone else..."She's the kind that doesn't have anything she wouldn't sell." And I said..."Oh? What's wrong with that!" 

Oh well...  lol

[stilltryen]

"ST- maybe your DIL doesn't like them, not her style or whatever, and feels like if she doesn't proudly display them in your face, you won't offer up anymore that she'll have to put away." - Overwhelmed, not asking her to display them.  I kept them in the closet myself. 

This is my upbringing.  Let's say that you give me an outfit for my baby.  I think it's hideous, but I would thank you.  I would have dressed my baby in your outfit, taken a photo, then sent the photo of the baby with a thank you card that said, "Baby looks so cute in the outfit you gave us.  Thank you again for being so kind."  Then I would put your outfit away in the drawer, never to be seen until the next garage sale.

Yes, I get it.  She was not brought up in that manner - that's why I complain here.  I'm not sure why she couldn't wrap gd in the blanket once when they were coming over.  We don't see them that often and baby will grow out of it soon.  But she doesn't, there's nothing I can do and no, I've never, ever, ever said one word to them about it.

[overwhelmed123]

I know and I'm not criticizing you at all, just trying to help you be open to the point of view that just because she was not "raised that way," doesn't mean it's "wrong" or "rude."  Ya know?  If generations never evolved at all and did everything JUST like the generation before them...well my gosh, we'd still be wearing leaves for clothes and huddled around campfires! 

[overwhelmed123]

And I do have to say you sound like a wonderfully appreciative person!  That is a very high standard you have given yourself- to thank people in so many ways, not everyone can live up to that!!

And Pam, no I haven't seen him- I must check the show out!

[Pooh]

Ha ha...I'm the sentimental old fool.  I don't like clutter...but I do like me some sentimental family heirlooms.  And if you make me something homemade...you just won my heart.   

[Sassy]

Hello still tryen.  If I am keeping up and understand correctly, the daycare-while-DIL-works arrangement hasn't started yet, but will very soon.   Already, there's an issue that hasn't been resolved yet: Namely, DIL made a change to the prior agreement,  that she now expects you to go to her home, instead of GD coming to yours.

However, a lot of it is in the delivery.  If my DIL demanded that I not wear any perfume, I'd probably douse twice of it on at this point.  If she came to me and explained that she'd noticed the baby was fussing, crying and being irritable and had taken her to the doctor, where they'd found that she was allergic to perfumes, etc., so could I please make sure not to wear any - well, heck yeah!  I would absolutely not wear any.  Regrettably my DIL is the type to simply demand that we adhere to her "rules," and a lot of them are simply subjective.

I offer this from a place of love.  If you (like most folks) respond when treated with respect, and you know DIL demands, I don't think this arrangement is a good idea for you.  My fear for you is by mixing love and work, there will be conflict that could end badly for you.  When I read the paragraph I quoted above, I saw there is a lot of risk you are taking, and not much DIL is taking.

Because when DIL, as a child's mother who expects her child to be cared for a certain way, makes a rude demand you consider subjective, and you ignore it, when DIL finds out (she will find out, sooner or later, that her rules aren't being followed) you will be the one to pay the costliest price. 

I don't know if your DIL is the type to just get huffy when she's angry.  From what I'm reading here, it seems possible she's the type who will say something like "You disobeyed my command, I cannopt trust you, now you shall never be left alone with my daughter again" and - what's worse - act on it. 

I wrote today just to share that I fear you may be stepping into what could be a real mess.  If I were in your shoes, as adorable as a newborn infant is (and smells!) I don't think I'd want to risk having such a DAILY ability to ignite such ire in a new mother who's nervous, testing her maternal powers, and prone to dictatorship.  I don't think you'll be able to make her happy, no matter how great a care taker you are for her daughter.  If DIL is very unhappy, (evem for reasons mainly unrelated to you) her response towards you is likely to be disproportionate to the "crime" (when having a tv on in another room is a crime in her book, sheesh).

My hope is the place of babysitting issue, is resolved by her finding other regular child care in her home, just as she wishes.  And you get to enjoy your granddaughter in visits, and babysit her as fill-in.  But 3 days a week, that could easily place you too squarely sitting in the center of her "target."

Congratulations on your new granddaughter, and good luck whatever you decide.

[Pooh]

Great, great, great advice Sassy.  And great to see you too!

[Tara]

Yes Sassy,  nice to meet you, and excellent perspective.  There seems like theres alot at stake here.

[stilltryen]

Thanks Sassy for your input.  I agree, I know that I'll be walking on eggshells - and have already discussed this with DS.  I think I'll discuss this directly with her and ask her.  She has made several "rules" and "demands" that she's had to walk back - and to be fair, she's realized her mistake.  However, none of these have involved me, so not sure how hubby and I would be affected.  An example of this was when she decided nobody, but nobody, would be in the delivery room with her and DS.  We laughed at that "rule," told DS in no uncertain terms that a) we never planned on being there with her; b) she could make a rule for us to be there, we would not show up; and c) what was she thinking, duh!!!!  But guess who did end up in the delivery room with her?  Yep, her parents.  We didn't care one way or the other, but DS was laughing, and rubbed it in big time, saying, "Hmmm, guess your rule got overruled!!"  She had to admit that, in the end, she was very happy her mom was there. 

Another rule?  Absolutely no disposable diapers were ever going to touch the bottom of that baby.  I suggested that she might think of getting disposables for when they went out somewhere.  She nearly ripped my head off for even suggesting such a thing.  No, no, and no - absolutely not!  Just cloth diapers, and she ordered some fancy dancy super duper wonderful cloth diapers.  She has a whole drawerful.  She was also rude enough to tell people at the baby showers who gave her some disposable diapers to take them back and return them, she was NEVER going to use them.  So the baby comes and is too little to fit in the cloth diapers she ordered.  She decided to use disposables until the baby gained enough weight to fit in the cloth diapers.  GD is now 4 months old and has never been put in a cloth diaper.  DIL decided that disposables were pretty dang convenient.  No --- I have never, ever once mentioned the cloth diapers, altho I was there when one of her friends made a very catty remark about it and I had to look away before I broke out in a big smile.  (It was probably one of the friends who had to lug a box of disposals back from the baby shower!)

Like I said, we get so many rules all the time.  Half the time we watch the baby, we get an 8 1/2 x 11 paper with new rules, along with the baby.  I'm sure she's going to find out that we have broken some, but by that time I'm hoping she's worked her way through and figured out the rules were a bit over the top anyway.  We'll see.  She mentioned to DS that one of the issues of family watching the baby was that she couldn't fire family if she wasn't happy.  DS told me and I replied, "Oh, she absolutely can!  If she doesn't like the way I watch that child, she is open to fire me . . . but it works both ways.  If I'm unhappy, I can quit as well."  I don't think DS thought of that.

Yes, I'll start my "new job" here shortly.  It will be interesting.

[lancaster lady]

You know ST ....we have been there done that got the t shirt .Your DIL hasn't ,and you and I know you can't tell young people how to do anything .So we MIL have to keep schtum until they realise they're doing it wrong .......hey we moms all were newbies once , and its not easy.    I think things are going to be fine .....you  have a good sense of humour......remember smile sweetly when you receive  your orders for the day . H ave fun ......

[holliberri]

ST,

Obviously she does bend her rules. It's okay to think one way and change your mind later. Perhaps she is more flexible than you thought, she just needs some time. I don't see much wrong with that. I prefer opinionated and obstinate to indecision and not having your own thoughts about the way you plan to live your life.

[AnonymousDIL]

I agree with Holly. your DIL does obviously alter her viewpoint on different "rules" from time to time. But, as long as the rules are in place you should do your absolute best to abide by them no matter how silly they are. If DIL wants you to draw polka dots on GC because she wants her to be "unique," you better do it. After all she IS the baby's MOTHER. You are the grandmother....

I would seriously rethink doing this. Your DIL is right. You CAN'T fire family without opening up that big ole can of worms. Likewise you can't quit without sending this message "DIL, I am OLDER, WISER and ALL Powerful. You are Young and an Idiot and have NO idea what it is you are doing. Everything that You do IS Wrong. If you would let ME raise the child, she would turn out better."

That's just what I would hear. And you know what, after hearing that, there would be no way I would allow you near my child. Just sayin' that it might be better to avoid the *bleep*storm all together.

[SassyDI]

Thanks Sassy for your input.  I agree, I know that I'll be walking on eggshells - and have already discussed this with DS.  I think I'll discuss this directly with her and ask her.  She has made several "rules" and "demands" that she's had to walk back - and to be fair, she's realized her mistake.  However, none of these have involved me, so not sure how hubby and I would be affected.  An example of this was when she decided nobody, but nobody, would be in the delivery room with her and DS.  We laughed at that "rule," told DS in no uncertain terms that a) we never planned on being there with her; b) she could make a rule for us to be there, we would not show up; and c) what was she thinking, duh!!!!  But guess who did end up in the delivery room with her?  Yep, her parents.  We didn't care one way or the other, but DS was laughing, and rubbed it in big time, saying, "Hmmm, guess your rule got overruled!!"  She had to admit that, in the end, she was very happy her mom was there. 

Another rule?  Absolutely no disposable diapers were ever going to touch the bottom of that baby.  I suggested that she might think of getting disposables for when they went out somewhere.  She nearly ripped my head off for even suggesting such a thing.  No, no, and no - absolutely not!  Just cloth diapers, and she ordered some fancy dancy super duper wonderful cloth diapers.  She has a whole drawerful.  She was also rude enough to tell people at the baby showers who gave her some disposable diapers to take them back and return them, she was NEVER going to use them.  So the baby comes and is too little to fit in the cloth diapers she ordered.  She decided to use disposables until the baby gained enough weight to fit in the cloth diapers.  GD is now 4 months old and has never been put in a cloth diaper.  DIL decided that disposables were pretty dang convenient.  No --- I have never, ever once mentioned the cloth diapers, altho I was there when one of her friends made a very catty remark about it and I had to look away before I broke out in a big smile.  (It was probably one of the friends who had to lug a box of disposals back from the baby shower!)

Like I said, we get so many rules all the time.  Half the time we watch the baby, we get an 8 1/2 x 11 paper with new rules, along with the baby.  I'm sure she's going to find out that we have broken some, but by that time I'm hoping she's worked her way through and figured out the rules were a bit over the top anyway.  We'll see.  She mentioned to DS that one of the issues of family watching the baby was that she couldn't fire family if she wasn't happy.  DS told me and I replied, "Oh, she absolutely can!  If she doesn't like the way I watch that child, she is open to fire me . . . but it works both ways.  If I'm unhappy, I can quit as well."  I don't think DS thought of that.

Yes, I'll start my "new job" here shortly.  It will be interesting.

Hello new to the group so I am hope I am not stepping on any toes.  I truley believe that families hiring family is a very bad idea.  My mother does watch DD(3) on occasion but I would never have her watch my daughter as a "job." Most mother's have a view point on how to raise a child.  My parents did, you do and so do I.  For example Carseat saftey is a really big deal for me and my mother did not get why.  When I told her that I was going to RF(rear face) her for over a year she told me I was crazy that I shouldn't do it.  That she never did that with me so why was I doing that to DD.  We kept DD rfing until I couldn't any longer because the way my DH's van seat was it was laying back to far and that was not safe.  So I had to turn her around in my DH's van so I did it in my car too.  When she saw the pictures she got a little smug "So you changed your mine huh"  No I didn't change my mind or way of thinking but it was not possiable to do it.  DD will be harnessed for as long as she can be and I am sure my mother will have something to say about that. 

I think you being smug on what you think are your DIL's "Failures" and I really don't get that.  My mother can be like that herself and I have to say it does't do anyone a world of good.  You "experts at parenting" sometimes forget that you once walked in our shoes and I am sure you didn't want your MIL treating you the way you are acting.  You have all these hopes and dreams and goals to be the best mom ever. And sometimes those gaols are either over the top or just to hard reach.  People change there mind all the time.  And just because she change her mind doesn't make her wrong at all. 

I honestly from the post I read don't think you watching your GC is a good idea at all.  You want to play I am a mother I know best card.  And thats not a way to start out watching your GC.  After all times are different things that were ok back when you had children are not ok now. (example I am sure you put your son down on his stomach to sleep babies now sleep on their backs).  So if you can't follow every rule even as dumb as it is just say nope I can't do it sorry this is to much.  But don't sneak and break the rules just be honest.  After all its only going to cause problems when they find out. 

[holliberri]

Oh, that reminds me. APA is recommending children be rear facing for TWO years now. Just in case anyone is interested.

I had to drop DD off at my mom's this morning. I brought along my fan. She was like, "OH NO, that's not going in the bedroom...it'll be too cold for her...she'll get a cold, chills, etc."

I said, "I'm not worried about her being cold. There have been *some* studies done that show proper circulation of air reduces SIDS by 75%. I brought her a blanket and a sleep sack if it's chilly; and I do not want her overdressed to sleep." (It seemed a really simple way of reducing the likelihood of a tragedy to me, however unlikely). 

Mom started shaking her head saying I was dumb and that she never did that and I was fine. I said, "Look, I'll take the day off work to stay home with her, I'm fine with that. She has had a fan in her room since she was born. If you don't believe me, we can research it together tonight. For now, use the fan."

She just called and said DD is down for her morning nap. She apologized to me. She found the same studies I did on the internet. Whew!

[Rose799]

That's interesting, Holly...  What do they say about walkers?  My dd mostly used hers to climb up to reach things.  I quickly put a stop to that.