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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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SassyDI

Quote from: Holly on April 25, 2011, 09:22:09 am
Are you trying to convince us that you are right, or are you trying to convince yourself? We have sympathized with you, empathized with you and understood your position and still don't agree.

I'm really not sure what you're looking for. Because it's not venting, it's arguing over semantics; and it's a superficial issue compared to what you admitted your problem actually was.

What happens when this woman allows herself to be called "bubblegum on the bottom of your shoe," is allowed back into your DD's life and your DD comes to love her just like she would a grandmother. She's fulfilling a grandmother role then, a name won't change that.

There are some things, no matter how strong willed we are, that we can not control.


What happens if she goes by something other then Nana or Step grandma.  Then FIL and his wife more then welcome to come over here and visit and see DD when the want and see her at family fuctions.  I use to hang out in our bedroom when they came over.  They didn't like that either made them uncomfortable.  DH told them just be happy you are seeing DD Dad and let SassyDI do what she wants. 

pam1

SassyDI, you keep saying versions of  "refuses to lister" to either us here, or in reference to your FIL or you stepmil.  We listened, we got it and understood the first time. 

Your FIL got it and is now saying to you and his DS that you're right to punch stepmil ends at her face, for lack of another term.  Yes, you can do that but he will not be around it.  It is that simple.

I think you're expecting an unnatural reaction, spouses stand by their spouses. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 09:49:47 am
SassyDI, you keep saying versions of  "refuses to lister" to either us here, or in reference to your FIL or you stepmil.  We listened, we got it and understood the first time. 

Your FIL got it and is now saying to you and his DS that you're right to punch stepmil ends at her face, for lack of another term.  Yes, you can do that but he will not be around it.  It is that simple.

I think you're expecting an unnatural reaction, spouses stand by their spouses.


Really because if I ever remarried my child would come first at any age to my new spouse. 

pam1

Wow

SassyDI, have you talked to your mother and father about all this?  I'm truly curious as to what they think/advised. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

SassyDI,

You and I have been at an impasse since about last night. You mentioned no grandmotherly names, no grandmotherly roles. I got that, I think your SMIL gets that. I don't have to agree that it's right; mainly b/c I think the long run it does more harm than good. I wholeheartedly agree that you can do whatever you want. Most people can.

I was only ever pointing out to you the hurt it might cause. I can totally understand why your SMIL has come out swinging about a name b/c all of those little things add up to big things, particularly when you marry into a family. I also see that you don't really care whether she is hurt or not. Neither of you is willing to give enough.

And, in this discussion, neither you nor I are willing to give enough...doesn't make either of us wrong.  I've bumped into you before, I'm sure I'll bump into you again. Ciao, for now!

AnonymousDIL

I think that children should eventually get to the age that their parents happiness is more important then whether or not they like his or her choice in a new spouse. I would NEVER stand between my mom and whomever makes her happy. Her fella is a nice guy, but I definitely see problems with him, but he isn't my choice. For me, as the child, to stand in the way of my mother's happiness would be incredibly narcissitic and self-centered of me and one more word that Luise won't let me use lol.

LaurieS

Tara wrote a post recently that I think can be applied to this topic as well as the one that she originally intended... I'd like to repeat it here and see if anyone else is viewing this banter as I do

Quote from: Tara

I'm sorry to be off post as part of the hijack, but wanted to mention something.
-
I've noticed (not always) but  pattern when a  post goes on and on and on and the entire community
is involved trying to help someone , and the "yeah but"  is going on  it often turns out in a way less than
ideal.  I've seen this happen where at the end, the person, a mil just up and left the forum.
I couldn't believe it after all our  effort that went into trying to support the person.   

I think we should keep an eye out for these long posts and be mindful that they may be going nowhere
and in end people can feel dismissed like happened here and has happened before.  I had to stop looking at it after awhile.  I
remembered what Luise said about if you don't like what is happening on a post move on.  I also feel that
its hard when we can't see peoples faces and expressions and hear their voice tones its difficult to get a good read.  Somepeople
can seem smug and/or defensive but if you are in person with them, you might chuckle as you have a more accurate read, if you know what I mean.     And one final question
If we are really being asked to to be skillful and mindful here on WWU  then are we really hear to rant endlessly?
It doesn't seem compatible  with the values of this forum.   IMHO 


SassyDI

Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 09:55:17 am
Wow

SassyDI, have you talked to your mother and father about all this?  I'm truly curious as to whouat they think/advised.


My mother knows what going on hell she has spoken to FILW about it too.  My mother cut my Grandfather off when I was a child for four years because he remarried and moved the new woman into the house her parents raised her and her mother passed in.  FILW was told about this and my mother told her flat out that no child of hers would ever call the new spouse grandma.  And she said "Well that was your choice."  So clearly its ok unless its for her.  My dad use to joke about it when she was small making up names that he wanted to be called.  They both feel it is up to us.  Just like they let DH choose what they called them.  He calls them by there first name because he doesn't want to call anyone else mom.  He loves my mom and they get along great and my parents while wanting to be called mom and dad respect his choice. 

SassyDI

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 25, 2011, 10:01:30 am
I think that children should eventually get to the age that their parents happiness is more important then whether or not they like his or her choice in a new spouse. I would NEVER stand between my mom and whomever makes her happy. Her fella is a nice guy, but I definitely see problems with him, but he isn't my choice. For me, as the child, to stand in the way of my mother's happiness would be incredibly narcissitic and self-centered of me and one more word that Luise won't let me use lol.


When it comes to there marriage their lives I agree.  When it comes to me personally then I don't.  Opps I might have sworen a few times if I did sorry didn't know that was a rule.

Sassy

QuoteWhen I was 30 weeks pregnant with DD. DH asked his father to help him into bed(he can't do it himself and I could not longer do it.) one day a week after our labor class because we couldn't get a caregiver.  He agreed always bringing in toe his wife.  FIL's wife its a long story came in starting an argument on the 3rd out of four times we needed him to help.  DH told his father next week please just come yourself.  FIL told him that if FILW couldn't come to family fuctions he wasn't coming.  Um yes because helping him into bed was a family function.  He refused the next week to help DH and I had to do it when it wasn't a very good idea for me at 3O some odd weeks to do it.   THey had no compassion for the risk of my prengnancy and our babies life. They told DH they would not due me any favors.  Helping out my DH who is paralized isn't doing me a favor.  Yeah I don't feel sorry for people when they are that way. 


This sounds just awful, SassyDI and I'm sorry this happened to you and your DH.  It was very unloving of FIL, and I couldn't imagine any parent taking this stance on something so vital.  I can't imagine a neighbor you met only once refusing this request.  It breaks my heart.  I can't imagine how much that wounded DH, to be refused his own fathers's assistance so he could get in bed.  I am truly sorry.

QuoteWhat happens if she goes by something other then Nana or Step grandma.  Then FIL and his wife more then welcome to come over here and visit and see DD when the want and see her at family fuctions.  I use to hang out in our bedroom when they came over.  They didn't like that either made them uncomfortable.


It appears that the name impasse, is a far less painful way to avoid the cold dark fact that that FIL is not good at showing his love for his son, and his son's family.  You and DH both seem aware that if you changed your stance on the name, it wouldn't change FIL's lack of respect and support for him.  It's a rational fear to expect the next issue (or the one after that) could hurt DH even more than the bed rejection.   Names are an emotionally safer thing to hold your ground on.  The standoff on the name, is a solid and less charged way to make sure FIL isn't present to hurt DH anymore, in other ways.

Signed, Sassy

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 10:02:25 am
Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 09:55:17 am
Wow

SassyDI, have you talked to your mother and father about all this?  I'm truly curious as to whouat they think/advised.


My mother knows what going on hell she has spoken to FILW about it too.  My mother cut my Grandfather off when I was a child for four years because he remarried and moved the new woman into the house her parents raised her and her mother passed in.  FILW was told about this and my mother told her flat out that no child of hers would ever call the new spouse grandma.  And she said "Well that was your choice."  So clearly its ok unless its for her.  My dad use to joke about it when she was small making up names that he wanted to be called.  They both feel it is up to us.  Just like they let DH choose what they called them.  He calls them by there first name because he doesn't want to call anyone else mom.  He loves my mom and they get along great and my parents while wanting to be called mom and dad respect his choice.


This explains a lot. Going to view other topics. Best of Luck.

overwhelmed123

Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 09:52:44 am
Really because if I ever remarried my child would come first at any age to my new spouse.


Really?  I mean really, you're remarried to a spouse and your 35 year old adult child doesn't like the spouse, you're going to forgo your own happiness for a grown adult?  That seems a little extreme, I hope you don't really take that approach if it ever happens to you.  Putting your kids first when they are KIDS, I totally get.  But after their grown and have spouses of their own to keep putting them first in your own life....well, that's not doing either party any good.

overwhelmed123

With that said, I think I will follow suit and make my way onto other threads.....peace.

SassyDI

Quote from: Sassy on April 25, 2011, 10:07:32 am
QuoteWhen I was 30 weeks pregnant with DD. DH asked his father to help him into bed(he can't do it himself and I could not longer do it.) one day a week after our labor class because we couldn't get a caregiver.  He agreed always bringing in toe his wife.  FIL's wife its a long story came in starting an argument on the 3rd out of four times we needed him to help.  DH told his father next week please just come yourself.  FIL told him that if FILW couldn't come to family fuctions he wasn't coming.  Um yes because helping him into bed was a family function.  He refused the next week to help DH and I had to do it when it wasn't a very good idea for me at 3O some odd weeks to do it.   THey had no compassion for the risk of my prengnancy and our babies life. They told DH they would not due me any favors.  Helping out my DH who is paralized isn't doing me a favor.  Yeah I don't feel sorry for people when they are that way. 


This sounds just awful, SassyDI and I'm sorry this happened to you and your DH.  It was very unloving of FIL, and I couldn't imagine any parent taking this stance on something so vital.  I can't imagine a neighbor you met only once refusing this request.  It breaks my heart.  I can't imagine how much that wounded DH, to be refused his own fathers's assistance so he could get in bed.  I am truly sorry.

QuoteWhat happens if she goes by something other then Nana or Step grandma.  Then FIL and his wife more then welcome to come over here and visit and see DD when the want and see her at family fuctions.  I use to hang out in our bedroom when they came over.  They didn't like that either made them uncomfortable.


It appears that the name impasse, is a far less painful way to avoid the cold dark fact that that FIL is not good at showing his love for his son, and his son's family.  You and DH both seem aware that if you changed your stance on the name, it wouldn't change FIL's lack of respect and support for him.  It's a rational fear to expect the next issue (or the one after that) could hurt DH even more than the bed rejection.   Names are an emotionally safer thing to hold your ground on.  The standoff on the name, is a solid and less charged way to make sure FIL isn't present to hurt DH anymore, in other ways.

Signed, Sassy


Exactly I can't imagine tell my child who was paralized from a car accident sorry I won't help you.  It wasn't the first time he refused to help.  Instead my father had to come over to help me which embrassed my hubby.  It would be different if I asked him to come hang up stuff on a wall or something trivial.  But to refuse to help sorry no.  I cann't tell you how many times when DH's father was his caregiver that I helped out when needed no questions asked because it was for my DH and I love him to much to use his injury to get back at his father. 

Then later I got an email that because my dh is injuried that I should be nice to them after all it won't be easy with a baby and a paralized hubby. We manage just fine on our own thank you.  I stopped asking for help after the first time it was DH who wanted to ask his father while pregnant not me.

SassyDI

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 25, 2011, 10:11:23 am
Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 09:52:44 am
Really because if I ever remarried my child would come first at any age to my new spouse.


Really?  I mean really, you're remarried to a spouse and your 35 year old adult child doesn't like the spouse, you're going to forgo your own happiness for a grown adult?  That seems a little extreme, I hope you don't really take that approach if it ever happens to you.  Putting your kids first when they are KIDS, I totally get.  But after their grown and have spouses of their own to keep putting them first in your own life....well, that's not doing either party any good.


No I wouldn't forgo my happiness but I wouldnt push something like Grandpa or her calling him dad on my daughter ever.  I would just expect him to be like a friend to her and nothing else.