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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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pam1

Quote from: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 08:51:02 am
Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 08:27:01 am
Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 08:20:53 am
Quote from: pam1 on April 25, 2011, 08:18:41 am
IMO, there is a huge difference in calling a stepparent Mom or Dad, it's simply not a comparable subject.  You can lose custody over that one.


How? Confused


In child custody/child support cases the current trend is that names used for stepparents as in Mom and Dad are part of parental alienation.  Not PAS, just parental alienation.  It is supposed to encourage bio parents to keep active in their childs life.  It's too easy for some parents to say they've got a Mom or Dad, so therefore I don't need to pay, see the child etc.  It's also supposed to limit a stepparents interference into the legal parenting realm, which is a problem in some cases.



I always thought this was so stupid.  Only people can create parental alienation, not names.  If a bio Mom or Dad don't want to stay active in a child's life, no name is going to make them.  I know bio Mom's and Dad's that don't deserve that name just as I know some stepparents that do.

(I know you were providing info Pam, and not agreeing with it.  And I also know there are always cases where this could help.)


Oh I know, what's boggling my mind lately are all the parents right groups and state modifications to child support laws pushing for more parental involvement by the non-custodial parent in exchange for a discount off child support.

All I can think is that you really want to push some parent into being around the child, the same parent who refuses to pay support?  That's a good idea how exactly? 

All that money spent on those groups can be used to paying off all the state child support debts and actually benefit those children whose parents aren't receiving a dime in support.  Instead of pushing some lousy parent into a role they didn't want in the first place, way to pump up the childs self esteem.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

RedRose

The way I see this situation is that SMIL wants to be considered Gramdma and FIL also want his wife to be Grandma.

So...you don't and you say you husband does not either.

I would want the same thing...I would not compromise on any name unless I was accepted as Grandma.

I would be very hurt and so would my husband.

IMO

SassyDI

Quote from: RedRose on April 25, 2011, 09:03:27 am
The way I see this situation is that SMIL wants to be considered Gramdma and FIL also want his wife to be Grandma.

So...you don't and you say you husband does not either.

I would want the same thing...I would not compromise on any name unless I was accepted as Grandma.

I would be very hurt and so would my husband.

IMO


Its not your choice though when its not your child.

holliberri

No, I don't think people much have a choice over what hurts them.

RedRose

I believe I should have a choice...I am the grandmother

AnonymousDIL

My cousin's first name is Hope. She has always gone by Nicole. Everyone calls her this including her parents.

I agree with Red Rose completely. It isn't like your IL's are divorced. Your DH's mother has died correct? He isn't harming her memory by allowing his daughter to call his father's new wife Grandma.

pam1

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 25, 2011, 09:10:47 am
My cousin's first name is Hope. She has always gone by Nicole. Everyone calls her this including her parents.

I agree with Red Rose completely. It isn't like your IL's are divorced. Your DH's mother has died correct? He isn't harming her memory by allowing his daughter to call his father's new wife Grandma.


This is a good point.  I'm pretty sure if I passed that I'm going to want DH to move on, love and be loved and really just be happy.  I'm pretty sure that's what most people want for their loved ones in any case.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 25, 2011, 09:10:47 am
My cousin's first name is Hope. She has always gone by Nicole. Everyone calls her this including her parents.

I agree with Red Rose completely. It isn't like your IL's are divorced. Your DH's mother has died correct? He isn't harming her memory by allowing his daughter to call his father's new wife Grandma.


So let me get this straight FIL decided who to marry and now gets to decide what she is called.  Hmm ok so yep I see we just are allowed no though in the matter.  We can agree to disagree on that.

SassyDI

Quote from: RedRose on April 25, 2011, 09:10:23 am
I believe I should have a choice...I am the grandmother


Huh so confused.  Just marrying a guy doesn't make you a mother or grandmother.

Rose799

Quote from: luise.volta on April 24, 2011, 08:07:37 pm
Let's see, when I married my third husband, who was eight years younger than I was, my eldest son, Dwight, married his youngest sister. So...are you ready...my son was my brother in law, my future grand sons were my nephews and Dwight and I had the same mother in law!  ;D ;D ;D


I'm still working on this, Luise...  Please don't add Kirk to the mix or I'll be at it forever!   The wheels don't spin as they once did~  :D :D :D 

holliberri

Are you trying to convince us that you are right, or are you trying to convince yourself? We have sympathized with you, empathized with you and understood your position and still don't agree.

I'm really not sure what you're looking for. Because it's not venting, it's arguing over semantics; and it's a superficial issue compared to what you admitted your problem actually was.

What happens when this woman allows herself to be called "bubblegum on the bottom of your shoe," is allowed back into your DD's life and your DD comes to love her just like she would a grandmother. She's fulfilling a grandmother role then, a name won't change that.

There are some things, no matter how strong willed we are, that we can not control.

pam1

Quote from: SassyDI on April 25, 2011, 09:16:47 am
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 25, 2011, 09:10:47 am
My cousin's first name is Hope. She has always gone by Nicole. Everyone calls her this including her parents.

I agree with Red Rose completely. It isn't like your IL's are divorced. Your DH's mother has died correct? He isn't harming her memory by allowing his daughter to call his father's new wife Grandma.


So let me get this straight FIL decided who to marry and now gets to decide what she is called.  Hmm ok so yep I see we just are allowed no though in the matter.  We can agree to disagree on that.


Uh yes she does.  She has her boundaries, you have yours.  It really is that simple SassyDI.  No one is disagreeing with you, there are simply stating what they think of the situation. 

Did FIL get to pick what to call you since you just married some guy? 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

I agree that marriage doesn't make you a Mother or Grandmother.  I also think that giving birth doesn't make you a Mother or Father.  It is people's actions or inactions that make you who you are. 

I do think you should be able to say "I would like for you not to pick XXXXX or XXXXXX because....".  She also has the right to not like the couple of names you picked.  So, you are at an enpass.  If you are not willing to budge and she is not willing to budge....well....then that's that.  As long as you and your DH are in agreement, then it's over.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SassyDI

Quote from: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 09:34:36 am
I agree that marriage doesn't make you a Mother or Grandmother.  I also think that giving birth doesn't make you a Mother or Father.  It is people's actions or inactions that make you who you are. 

I do think you should be able to say "I would like for you not to pick XXXXX or XXXXXX because....".  She also has the right to not like the couple of names you picked.  So, you are at an enpass.  If you are not willing to budge and she is not willing to budge....well....then that's that.  As long as you and your DH are in agreement, then it's over.


And that is why I asked her to pick out a few and she wouldn't.  And we are at an empass and Dh has told his father ball is in your court when he askes to see DD.  But FIL refuses to listen. 

Pooh

FIL is standing up for his wife, just as you would hope DH would for you.  Another empass.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell