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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 am

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ST, this is not meant in any kind of negative way, just a question and it might help you to figure out if this is something you want to do.  Why do you want to babysit gc?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Dear ST:

I respect everyone's opinion, really I do.  But....I felt I was reading my story as it was when I had my first gc.  My son wanted both set of gparents to look after Alex on week days (both worked), my dil was reluctant to that.  She obviously wanted her mom to watch over him more days.  I spoke to dil and told her that it didnt matter....that if she wish I could watch over baby just on Fridays, thus leaving the other workdays to her mom.  She accepted immediately.   I had a long list of rules...but there were more rules coming my way as days went by.  She would always look for something to blame me about.  It was exhausting.   The way that dil  has been acting tells me that you will never please her, she will always have something to say.  Now, can you handle that?  I couldnt....it had me depressed and sad all the time.  I was always walking on egg shells and for me it was not worth my effort.  Things changed until I did back off....and decided not to look after the child anymore.

  You can give it a try though.... but remember...you have to be happy with what you are doing.  We are the ones tyying to help..... the favor is for them.   Cost-Benefit....do your numbers. 

I wish you the best of luck...you are an awesome grandmom... how many dils would die for a mil like you.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


Thank you Nana!  I had my mom watch my children when they were little and I had to work, we figured she was doing us a favor by watching them and not charging us, so we did whatever she wanted.  We took them to her house and dropped them off.  I don't understand why they would think they're doing US a favor by "allowing" us to watch her.  While I don't work, I do a lot of things and always have a full schedule.  One that, I might add, I'm completely turning around to be able to stay home and watch her.

All I said was, "I'm not working and I'll be happy to watch the baby to save you money on daycare."  I didn't make the schedule up, my only caveat was that I would watch the baby here at my house.  I didn't say anything more until she decided, out of nowhere, that I should drive down there.  As for her rules, quite honestly, I will deal with the rules to the extent they're sensible.  I will absolutely put the baby down for her nap and feed her according to the schedule.  However, hubby starts work at 5 in the morning, gets home about 1:30, watches tv for a bit, then goes in to take a nap.  I will not tell him he can't watch tv for an hour because we're not "allowed" to even have the tv on.  That's ridiculous.  I'm not going to park her in front of the tv at any time, I can play with her in another part of the house - but no, that's a stupid rule.  I'm not going to confront her on that, I'm simply going to ignore it.  If another rule is that I need to wear high heels and pearls while I watch her, that rule is going to be broken as well. 

I am doing this because I love that baby more than words can ever say.  I'm doing this to try and help them out.  We've always tried to help our boys in any way we can, college, etc.  That's never going to change, but if, at any time, they don't want that help, if she continues to get more and more outrageous, if I start being depressed and sad over the whole issue, I'm not going to do it anymore.  Life is too short to deal with crap like that.  My hope is that once we start this whole thing, it will get easier for her and she'll realize that she made a big hubbub over nothing.  I'm hoping that she'll get back to work, get back in the groove of things, it will work out for her, etc.   She is clearly aware that we are completely besotted with that child and would never do anything to hurt her.  If having her way is more important to her than having someone clearly willing to love and care for her child, what can I say? 



Sounds like you have clarity about how to approach this and what you want to do. 
I appreciate your devotion to your gc. 



Good.  The high heels and pearls is hilarious... my God... Of course, I see that she feels you may fall down or that baby grabs the pearls and puts them in his/her mouth.  Wow...

Yes ST...you reasons for taking all this are valid.....we all know how much we can take and still keep or integrity.  I agree we love our gc more than words can tell.  I sometimes tell my husband that I love them so much that it hurts.   I was asked not to wear perfume lol?  I understood that they did not like the baby smelling like grandma lol.
I wish you the best of luck.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


Nana..  I think stilltryen was saying IF they said she had to wear pearls.. lol..  I'd be up the creek if that type of request was made of me.. I have no pearls :)  and my feet are to wide for heels.

Is it possible that you were asked not to wear perfume for the reason of possible allergies?  I know that perfume will give me headaches.. lol I try to use good smellin deodorant


Full disclosure: I asked daycare if they wear perfumes around the babies. I didn't want her smelling like anyone but herself when I came to get her. I live for that scent. They, fortunately, told me no. They said it had something to do with allergies, really, but that it wasn't the first request they received for *selfish* reasons.

Of course at the moment she smells like green beans and applesauce. Bath time will fix that.


ST, I wish the very best for you, as well as ds, dil, but most especially for your gd.  She's the real winner to have you & gpa in her life. 



Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.  I don't get on here too often, but I can always count on rational and well thought out responses.  You all make me stop and think and consider more points and I appreciate it.

Laurie, good question about the perfume/allergies.  However, a lot of it is in the delivery.  If my DIL demanded that I not wear any perfume, I'd probably douse twice of it on at this point.  If she came to me and explained that she'd noticed the baby was fussing, crying and being irritable and had taken her to the doctor, where they'd found that she was allergic to perfumes, etc., so could I please make sure not to wear any - well, heck yeah!  I would absolutely not wear any.  Regrettably my DIL is the type to simply demand that we adhere to her "rules," and a lot of them are simply subjective.


I don't know if this is helpful info but at the meditation center I go to they request that people don't wear scents and also
in some workplaces also these days its requested.  I think the chemicals in perfume can affect the immune system in some
people and as mentioned, can  stir up allergies in others. 

I agree ST,  I'm the kind of person that reacts better when things are presented to me in a gracious and friendly way.



That reminds me, years ago, at the credit union,  we did have a girl get fired for creating a hostile work environment. What was she doing? Wearing Tommy Girl. It aggravated the asthma of the woman working next to her. She refused to take it off. The woman was almost hospitalized. It was very scary and kind of silly.


Isn't that amazing!

I had a client when I was a counselor at UC Berkeley who got very ill also from someones perfume at work.  Her colleagues were annoyed with her for asking them to stop wearing scents, eventually she had to move to a different office. 


When my daughter went back to work after her maternity leave I offered to keep the baby until the first of the year.  They decided to put her in daycare, so that was fine.  Whenever we do keep her, she whips our butts.  We love keeping her and have been asked to come and get her when both of her parents had a virus.  She just turned 6 months old and last Sunday she came over and actually recognized us and her toys that she has here.  She loves the "picture box" as her parents call it.  Fortunately they are both pretty layed back parents and know that I'm a little whacky and are fine with that.  I try not to give too much advice - only when asked,  etc.  I'm not the best Fafe, but I'm sure having fun trying to be. 


Quote from: Tara on April 20, 2011, 06:26:18 pm
Isn't that amazing!

I had a client when I was a counselor at UC Berkeley who got very ill also from someones perfume at work.  Her colleagues were annoyed with her for asking them to stop wearing scents, eventually she had to move to a different office.

NOT, mind you, that I'm suggesting in any manner whatsoever, that this is similar - but it does remind me of another point.  A gal I worked with would claim to be allergic to everything.  She always demanded this and that and it was hello annoying.  I think she just got off on being the center of attention.  I couldn't stand to be around her the minute I saw her using the bathroom and waltzing out.  When I asked her about why she didn't wash her hands, she said that she was "allergic" to the soap there.  I immediately fired back that, were I allergic to the soap there, I would bring my own - but that NOT washing was never an option for me. 

Another time she had mentioned that she was "allergic" to onions.  A couple of weeks later, we were all at a department lunch and she ordered something and had them add "extra onions."  I later made the comment that I thought she was allergic to onions.  She looked like a deer in headlights, then said, "Oh, uh, just fresh onions, not onions cooked in food."  Righttttttttt!  What a tool.


ST, I hope everything works out. Your DIL sounds like a handful and a half. The things you both have in common are love for the child and presumably the child's dad. For those reasons you will need to figure out how you can compromise and not feel as though you are being treated unfairly or taken advantage of. Best wishes!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb