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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

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SassyDI

Quote from: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 06:15:49 AM
Well you guys knew when I got back on here, I would have an opinion!  Lol.  First, I find it mind boggling that "marriage" leads to how people have to communicate with others.  I do understand that there are some things that should be "off limits" when speaking to others, but I can't tell you how many times I have went to my Mother and discussed things about my marriage.  And my DH discusses things with his Mother.  I can not even fathom telling him that he was not allowed to speak to his Mother about our marriage.  My Mother and I have always had an open, honest line of communication and he has the same with his.  I think there is a huge difference in having conversations with parents, versus looking for an ally.  I'm not looking for my Mother to side with me, I'm looking for a different perspective because "oh my goodness" I can be totally wrong. If a DD or DS is going to a parent to simply have an ally against their spouse....well, frankly you are blaming the wrong person.  That's not an MIL/FIL/DM/DF problem...that's a spouse problem. 

Stepparents...wow.  I had a stepfather who is my "Daddy" because that is what he was.  He loved me unconditionally and was a Father to me in every way.  I married my DH, and he has a daughter.  I have never expected to be "Mom" to my SD.  I hope she looks at me like a person that loves her, cares about her and contributes to her life in some way.  She calls me by my first name and I am good with that.  She can call me whatever she wants.  But just because she is not blood to me, does not make me love her any less.  I certainly hope she never looks at me as "that person that my Father married."  I hope she looks at me as the person that loves her Father with all her heart, treated her no differently than I treat my own kids, and added value to her life, even if it's just in some small way.

Welcome SassyDI.  I think you a person that knows herself very well, which is always good.  You and I have a different view on this one, because I have people in my life that are not blood relation, that I love very much.  I also have blood relations in my life, that I don't love.  I have friends that have adopted babies, because they couldn't have any of their own, and they love them just as much as they would have had they been biologically theirs.  I love my SD and I hope that someday when she marries, and has children, that they will think of me as their GP, because I will think of them as my GC.  True love is unconditional.

Why is love being brought up?  No one is saying DD or FILW can't love each other.  We just don't want the name Grandma or Nana.

RedRose

My first husband died when I was 37, we had 2 children together, they were 13 and 8. I married my current husband when they were 22 and 17...they have always called him by his first name and they introduce him to others as their step-dad. He is now Grandpa to their children,

I have a step-daughter that has called me mom since the day I met her (she was 4...now 17). I have raised her with my husband since the day we married...she has always lived with us...(12 years almost). When she is older, married and has children I expect to be Grandma...her real mother can be Grandma too.


overwhelmed123

RedRose- I think that's usually the norm when people remarry.  If you are the child who did not grow up with this person your parent remarried, of course you wouldn't call them "mom," or "dad," but that shouldn't limit what your own children call this person.  They weren't around for everything that happened before, why limit their family?  In their short little lives, FIL or MIL's W or H is just as much a "gramma" as your other grandma.  They can only benefit from more GPs to spoil them! :)

Pooh

Quote from: SassyDI on April 24, 2011, 09:18:37 PM
Quote from: 1Glitterati on April 24, 2011, 08:25:39 PM
Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 08:12:34 PM
My DH is stepfather to my DD, I will be extremely disappointed if she does not take his wishes into account (reasonably) when she makes decisions and if she does not show respect for me as her mother in choosing my own husband.  I think if we start getting into the "but we didn't choose her as dads wife" well guess what?  FIL didn't choose you as his sons wife...that's not a road I'd be willing to set foot on or set my childrens feet on.

I've known my stepmom for I think 20 years now (man, I feel really old.)  We haven't always loved each other or even liked each other.  But we did have one thing in common, love for my father.  I really don't care what my stepmom would want to be called, I would want my father to be happy around his wife and me.  I want to share holidays with them, I want my father to be happy.  I'm not going to live with him for the rest of his life, why would I want to exclude his wife? 

I think part of it may also depend on when the step comes into your life.  I think there is a difference between coming in when you're a child and when you're and adult.  I know at this point in my life that if my parents weren't together and remarried...that then new person would simply be my father's wife or my mother's husband.  They wouldn't be a step-parent to me and they wouldn't be a grandparent to my kids.  I've got a mom and dad, and my kids have grandparents.

Yes Glitter your right.

It was in response to Glitter's statement about a stepparent wouldn't be a grandparent to their kids and your agreement of it.

And also this one by you: "A Grandparent is a bloodline your spouses DH/DW is not."

I do agree with you that your wishes on a name should count.  I think she is being too inflexable.  Do I think that warrants a cut-off?  No.  But I also think you have stated it wasn't just that but other things as well.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SassyDI

Lets just say if my BIL was like you can't be Aunt to my child because I don't like you fine if thats how you feel its your child.  Isn't going to make me love the child anyless then if I was Aunt.  I don't need a title to love someone.

overwhelmed123

I wish we could talk to this FIL's wife and see what her perspective is of "joining this family."  Could be that she's felt so much pull just by loving someone and marrying them that she is on the complete defense now and determined to force her way into the family because she doesn't feel like anyone is letting her in.  Not that it's right, but it certainly would be human.  I can imagine there are a lot of difficult feelings for everyone involved.

holliberri

SassyDI,

I'd just like to say your DD might feel a lot differently about her. What if she says, "I love her like a G-ma?" After all, she  may not have been in your DH's life from the day he was born, but she will be in your DD's life.

Anyhow, you said it is boundaries that you need help with. Truth is, I don't think you need any help at all with that. You say you are strongwilled, it is apparent in your posts, and you are in cutoff status at the moment, which means no boundaries are being crossed.

I don't think many of us are comfortable with a lot of boundaries, we just don't want someone to be hurt about a decision we make, and we don't want to be hurt by them either. I think you're spending a lot of time defending your authority, and it seems moot. You have the authority; I think your ILs would agree to that.

Pooh

OW, you are probably very right.  I know because my SD was already 15 when I married DH, I walked a thin line.  I didn't want her to think I was trying to be a Mother and I didn't want her to think I was trying to be her friend.  She needed to see me as a parental figure, but yet not trying to parent her.  It's been a rough 3 years for me to try and find a place with her.  And my DH is in the same boat with my adult Sons.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

Just going to throw this out there....

So, a grandparent is a grandparent only because of bloodline. What if you adopt a child? That child is not of their bloodline. Would you want the grandparent to not consider that child their grandchild? Would you want them to be addressed as "the kid my DS adopted"?

My dad was killed when I was two days shy of 18. He was IMHO the greatest man who even lived. I am truly truly blessed that I had him as my daddy. I was a total daddy's girl too. My mom took his death very hard. It took her a long time to be able to move on. About the time I met my DH, she met her BF. He is a great guy. If they do get married (and I really do hope that they do), I won't have a problem calling him Dad if he will let me. He will definitely be Grandpa to my kids (even if he and my mom never get married). Soooo, I guess I don't understand that POV that it is only a grandparent if it is by blood....

SassyDI

Quote from: Pooh on April 25, 2011, 06:43:10 AM
Quote from: SassyDI on April 24, 2011, 09:18:37 PM
Quote from: 1Glitterati on April 24, 2011, 08:25:39 PM
Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 08:12:34 PM
My DH is stepfather to my DD, I will be extremely disappointed if she does not take his wishes into account (reasonably) when she makes decisions and if she does not show respect for me as her mother in choosing my own husband.  I think if we start getting into the "but we didn't choose her as dads wife" well guess what?  FIL didn't choose you as his sons wife...that's not a road I'd be willing to set foot on or set my childrens feet on.

I've known my stepmom for I think 20 years now (man, I feel really old.)  We haven't always loved each other or even liked each other.  But we did have one thing in common, love for my father.  I really don't care what my stepmom would want to be called, I would want my father to be happy around his wife and me.  I want to share holidays with them, I want my father to be happy.  I'm not going to live with him for the rest of his life, why would I want to exclude his wife? 

I think part of it may also depend on when the step comes into your life.  I think there is a difference between coming in when you're a child and when you're and adult.  I know at this point in my life that if my parents weren't together and remarried...that then new person would simply be my father's wife or my mother's husband.  They wouldn't be a step-parent to me and they wouldn't be a grandparent to my kids.  I've got a mom and dad, and my kids have grandparents.

Yes Glitter your right.

It was in response to Glitter's statement about a stepparent wouldn't be a grandparent to their kids and your agreement of it.

And also this one by you: "A Grandparent is a bloodline your spouses DH/DW is not."

I do agree with you that your wishes on a name should count.  I think she is being too inflexable.  Do I think that warrants a cut-off?  No.  But I also think you have stated it wasn't just that but other things as well.

I had already started a small cut off by refusing to go to there home.  I wasn't rude to anyone when at family functions in there home I spoke to his family.  And only spoke to FIL and FIL wife when asked a question answer nicely and moved on.  Well all i heard from family is they were uncomfortable and GMIL would get in my face at every family event and tell me I need to start doing more when it came to FIL and his wife.  Finally I just one day said no more not going over there.  DH is more then welcome to go when he wants. 

They would come here for some then no holidays fine.  FIL and FILW were more then welcome at that time over here to see DD but we did not go there.  All this time up until DD was 18 months the name thing just hung there.  They wouldn't call her anything to DD.  Well it became to the point  where DD was old enough to where if we all called FILW something different it would be confusing.  So DH tried to get his father to nail down a different name and he refused anything but Nana or stepgranma.  We said no tired different names and but nothing was good enough.  Finally DH told them look we don't need DD confused you can either agree on her first name until DD finds a nickname to come up with or you don't come around.  They choose not to come around.  They blame it all on me and say they have done nothing wrong.  They just react and I (DH doesn't do anything wrong in there eyes) am to take full blame for everything that has happened.

overwhelmed123

So what were some of the other "alternative grandma" names you suggested, SassyDI?

Pooh

I think this one is going to boil down to many of us having personal experience with SPs.  It is always hard for me to understand things I haven't been through personally.  I can have sympathy, but harder to have empathy.  Once you have been in a situation yourself, the empathy kicks in.  I'm sure we have all experienced people looking at you like a freak with two heads when they find out you don't speak to your children, or parents, or in-laws.

But here...there is understanding.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SassyDI

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 25, 2011, 06:47:04 AM
I wish we could talk to this FIL's wife and see what her perspective is of "joining this family."  Could be that she's felt so much pull just by loving someone and marrying them that she is on the complete defense now and determined to force her way into the family because she doesn't feel like anyone is letting her in.  Not that it's right, but it certainly would be human.  I can imagine there are a lot of difficult feelings for everyone involved.

I do think she is very inscure person about her role as wife.  But again thats something she has to come to terms with and I can't do that for her.  I love my hubby very secure in our marriage and don't need everyone welcoming me to know I am a married woman.  DH told her she would be Ms FILW and she flips out that she is not Ms she is Mrs.  Ok fine Mrs. I worked in childcare for 7 years children even after I married called me Miss Sassy I didn't care.  It didn't make me any less married.  The only person I need to make me feel secure in my marriage is the person I married and not his family.  After all I did not marry his family I married him.

Sassy

QuoteIf I am looking for any advice its how to get FIL and FILW to follow boundries.
Dear SassyDI, this advice simply doesn't exist. Because no one can control other people. 

You can, of course, control how you respond when other people go over what you consider your line.  What you can think about, is if your response is the best way for you to get what you want.  If you and DH decide your boundaries are not getting you what you want, (the way you hoped they would), you are always free to move your line.

If you and DH want to cut FIL and SMIL out of your lives, because they won't follow a boundary you decided, that's your preogative.  But when you do that, you and DH should make sure what you want is to cut FIL and S-MIL out of your lives, because that is what your choice will get you. 

It is a choice that is all yours.  If you'd rather have no FIL and S-MIL, at all, and for your children to have no relationship at all with those grandparents, instead of you and DH having a relationship with them, and your children having a S-MIL with a grandmother title in her name, that is completely within your power.  Making them do what you want them to do is not within your power.

Your boundaries are for you.  You get to choose them, you get to decide how important they are to you, how married to them you are. You get to change them if you want to, and you get to decide how much you're willing to sacrafice to enforce them.  If you'd sacrafice spending time with people who don't do what you want them to, that is 100% your choice.   You don't get to, and you can't make other people follow your boundaries.  That's the part that's up to them.

Signed, Sassy

overwhelmed123

You are lucky enough to be strong willed.  Some people aren't as lucky as you, and while it isn't your "job" to "make her" less insecure, you can also choose to be empathetic and understanding and do things to help her feel more comfortable in her role.  To be a compassionate person.  I mean think about if we all acted that way to everyone else- not my problem, therefore I'm not going to anything to help make it easier on you.  It would be a very sad, distant world.