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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

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holliberri

Pam, I agree. DB's kids called stepdad a certain  name, so I kept it consistent.

pam1

DD was about 4 I think when her father married his wife.  DD took right to her, we had some skirmishes but really nothing major.  Anyway, I picked her up from daycare one day and the teacher pulled me aside to talk about DD's two moms, she was asking if there were any books that I could bring in and is there anything they can do to help DD feel better in class etc.

It took me forever to catch on but the teacher had assumed that when DD was talking about her stepmom that she was actually my life partner lol.  DD was so excited to have two moms which is what I was kind of saying to her at the age, like trying to pump her up.  Isn't it so great, you're so lucky to have another mom etc.  And DD was eager to tell everyone how lucky she was.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

Pam, LOL! Hahaha. I'm glad your DD took to her stepmom.

SassyDI

Quote from: 1Glitterati on April 24, 2011, 08:25:39 PM
Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 08:12:34 PM
My DH is stepfather to my DD, I will be extremely disappointed if she does not take his wishes into account (reasonably) when she makes decisions and if she does not show respect for me as her mother in choosing my own husband.  I think if we start getting into the "but we didn't choose her as dads wife" well guess what?  FIL didn't choose you as his sons wife...that's not a road I'd be willing to set foot on or set my childrens feet on.

I've known my stepmom for I think 20 years now (man, I feel really old.)  We haven't always loved each other or even liked each other.  But we did have one thing in common, love for my father.  I really don't care what my stepmom would want to be called, I would want my father to be happy around his wife and me.  I want to share holidays with them, I want my father to be happy.  I'm not going to live with him for the rest of his life, why would I want to exclude his wife? 

I think part of it may also depend on when the step comes into your life.  I think there is a difference between coming in when you're a child and when you're and adult.  I know at this point in my life that if my parents weren't together and remarried...that then new person would simply be my father's wife or my mother's husband.  They wouldn't be a step-parent to me and they wouldn't be a grandparent to my kids.  I've got a mom and dad, and my kids have grandparents.

Yes Glitter your right. 

SassyDI

Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 08:28:52 PM
1Glitterati, my grandfather married later in life and we call his wife Gramma Janie.  No biggie.

I mean, if you're sibling divorces and then remarries, is their new spouse not an aunt or uncle?  Personally, I'd want my grandchild to feel as if they're going to their grandparents house, not just Grandpa and that woman lol.  But to each their own I suppose

Yes they would be Aunt and uncle but thats not the same.  A Grandparent is a bloodline your spouses DH/DW is not.  So no its not the same thing.  If DH and I got a divorce I also feel that if we remarried that they would not be called mom and dad if we remarried.  Our DD has one father and one mother period.

luise.volta

I agree, when I came into Val's family, I was 62 and he was 78. It wasn't about parenting. I was just surprised when it wasn't about seeing their dad happy.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

My kids and sort of kids solved that by calling Val..."Val-dad." They all adore him. Two of them drove over 100 miles today to wish him Happy Easter.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SassyDI

Quote from: SassyDI on April 24, 2011, 09:25:34 PM
Quote from: pam1 on April 24, 2011, 08:28:52 PM
1Glitterati, my grandfather married later in life and we call his wife Gramma Janie.  No biggie.

I mean, if you're sibling divorces and then remarries, is their new spouse not an aunt or uncle?  Personally, I'd want my grandchild to feel as if they're going to their grandparents house, not just Grandpa and that woman lol.  But to each their own I suppose

Yes they would be Aunt and uncle but thats not the same.  A Grandparent is a bloodline your spouses DH/DW is not.  So no its not the same thing.  If DH and I got a divorce I also feel that if we remarried that they would not be called mom and dad if we remarried.  Our DD has one father and one mother period.

Keep messing up your siblings DH/DW is not

Rose799

Quote from: SassyDI on April 24, 2011, 08:02:00 PM
My DH is a quad injured when he was 16 years old that woman did more for him then most 16 year old mother's ever have to do for their children.(she was his caregiver).  So for my DH her being honored as Grandma is important. 
[/quote]

This would be the game changer for me...  She obviously means more to dh than "that woman" fil is married to. 

LaurieS

I would assume that a child's bio mom would always mean more and have a very special place in their heart.. but the heart is capable of loving/respecting more then one person.

Kennedy

Sassy DI, You and your husband are correct in knowing what you say or make your DD do is your right.
From what I'm reading you've ask everyone what they think? And I believe some are only trying to show you how your FIL's wife "may" feel?
So if having some and not all that is possible of a family is what you and he want for your child ? Then ok. Like you've said ,,,,You ARE THE PARENTS!
But....if a stronger more caring family is something you and he would like to work on and build for your child? Seeing and "listening" not just hearing,about how another family member feels is a must. And meeting in the middle more than half the time will also probably be a must.
Just like most everything in life. See what you want. Then take the best steps to get it! And learn from it when you miss a step so it don't happen again. If you stick with that? I'm willing to think you will be successful!
Nothing this woman does could ever replace your DH's beloved Mother. NOTHING!
As a Mom myself I can honestly say that if my time here was over and my husband remarried. I would be smiling from heaven if he married a woman who wanted to show love to my grandchildren! And I would be proud of my child if they allowed their children to recieve all the love they could .
As the Parents, It is your choice. You are so right about that! And as Parents we have to choose what is best for our children if we want to do right by them. IMO. I don't know your DH's step-mom . I haven't read where you said she is a horrible monster or anything? If I missed it? I'm sorry!
Which ever way this goes? I wish you much happiness. And the wisdom to cross each bridge softly in case you should need to run back quickly!

Kennedy

Luise, I just know you must be so proud of children! I would be if in your shoes.
I bet it is wonderful to know they love you and respect your life and your choices.
To drive all that way to show that respect if amazing and wonderful! IMHO.
"HUGS" and "God Bless!"

SassyDI

Quote from: Kennedy on April 24, 2011, 11:48:59 PM
Sassy DI, You and your husband are correct in knowing what you say or make your DD do is your right.
From what I'm reading you've ask everyone what they think? And I believe some are only trying to show you how your FIL's wife "may" feel?
So if having some and not all that is possible of a family is what you and he want for your child ? Then ok. Like you've said ,,,,You ARE THE PARENTS!
But....if a stronger more caring family is something you and he would like to work on and build for your child? Seeing and "listening" not just hearing,about how another family member feels is a must. And meeting in the middle more than half the time will also probably be a must.
Just like most everything in life. See what you want. Then take the best steps to get it! And learn from it when you miss a step so it don't happen again. If you stick with that? I'm willing to think you will be successful!
Nothing this woman does could ever replace your DH's beloved Mother. NOTHING!
As a Mom myself I can honestly say that if my time here was over and my husband remarried. I would be smiling from heaven if he married a woman who wanted to show love to my grandchildren! And I would be proud of my child if they allowed their children to recieve all the love they could .
As the Parents, It is your choice. You are so right about that! And as Parents we have to choose what is best for our children if we want to do right by them. IMO. I don't know your DH's step-mom . I haven't read where you said she is a horrible monster or anything? If I missed it? I'm sorry!
Which ever way this goes? I wish you much happiness. And the wisdom to cross each bridge softly in case you should need to run back quickly!


If I am looking for any advice its how to get FIL and FILW to follow boundries.  We are firm and sure of our postion.  I am not a parent pleaser never have been.  I am strong willed person who had her own view points and doesn't see the world in just black and white.  It use to drive my own father nuts but its also a strong thing.  Funny I think his family doesn't like my strong willed personiality but its what made me able to date my husband and marry him.  Most of my family was against me dating my DH because of his injury my mom wasn't so sure it was a good idea after all our lives would not be easy.  Had I taken her advice well I wouldn't have my wonderful husband and DD. 

Futher if it was reversed and it was my parents I would do the same thing.  Kind of why I am so stead fast for DH's mother.  I never met her and I don't know what she would have wanted.  I don't put words into people who past on's mouth.  Maybe she would be ok but that doesn't mean I am ok with it nor is DH.  If you reversed it and it was my mother no way in hell would I allow my father's new wife be mother and if I feel that way about  my own I also feel that way about DH's.   

Is she a monster I don't know if I would go that far but there is a lot of poop that they and the rest of the family pulled before during and after we got married.  I diffently wouldn't call her the most honest kindest person I have ever met that is for sure. 

Pooh

Well you guys knew when I got back on here, I would have an opinion!  Lol.  First, I find it mind boggling that "marriage" leads to how people have to communicate with others.  I do understand that there are some things that should be "off limits" when speaking to others, but I can't tell you how many times I have went to my Mother and discussed things about my marriage.  And my DH discusses things with his Mother.  I can not even fathom telling him that he was not allowed to speak to his Mother about our marriage.  My Mother and I have always had an open, honest line of communication and he has the same with his.  I think there is a huge difference in having conversations with parents, versus looking for an ally.  I'm not looking for my Mother to side with me, I'm looking for a different perspective because "oh my goodness" I can be totally wrong. If a DD or DS is going to a parent to simply have an ally against their spouse....well, frankly you are blaming the wrong person.  That's not an MIL/FIL/DM/DF problem...that's a spouse problem. 

Stepparents...wow.  I had a stepfather who is my "Daddy" because that is what he was.  He loved me unconditionally and was a Father to me in every way.  I married my DH, and he has a daughter.  I have never expected to be "Mom" to my SD.  I hope she looks at me like a person that loves her, cares about her and contributes to her life in some way.  She calls me by my first name and I am good with that.  She can call me whatever she wants.  But just because she is not blood to me, does not make me love her any less.  I certainly hope she never looks at me as "that person that my Father married."  I hope she looks at me as the person that loves her Father with all her heart, treated her no differently than I treat my own kids, and added value to her life, even if it's just in some small way.

Welcome SassyDI.  I think you a person that knows herself very well, which is always good.  You and I have a different view on this one, because I have people in my life that are not blood relation, that I love very much.  I also have blood relations in my life, that I don't love.  I have friends that have adopted babies, because they couldn't have any of their own, and they love them just as much as they would have had they been biologically theirs.  I love my SD and I hope that someday when she marries, and has children, that they will think of me as their GP, because I will think of them as my GC.  True love is unconditional.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

overwhelmed123

I have a family who is technically "stepfamily," but I was raised to be inclusive, so the "step" part never mattered much to me.  IMHO, it's never wrong to give a child the most love and "family" you can give.  That's as far as I'll go on that.

I do think- in regards to the other topic- ST, your DS does seem to have an awful lot of "negative" things to "joke about" to you regarding his wife.  I don't think that is good...I don't do it and I would feel like crap if my DH did it.  Of course adult children can talk to their parents about things- ask for advice without their spouse being present- but I think the line is when it's clear it SHOULD be a joint decision, or when it's clear that they have no intention of sharing the conversation with their spouse.  It isn't good for the marriage, and it isn't good for the parents' relationship with the DIL/SIL.