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Need the Wisdom

Started by stilltryen, April 20, 2011, 09:08:53 AM

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pam1

ST, would you speak to your DIL the same as you did DS in this situation? It is kind of confusing to me that you would speak to him about it solely, as you're right, there are two parents. 

I also tend to think this is the type of situation where you might have won the battle but won't win the war.  When I asked you earlier why you wanted to babysit the grandchild to get a better grasp on your perspective, I thought it sounded like that you thought it was something you could do to be helpful...but you could take it or leave it.  Reading more of your posts, it came across more to me as control.  Maybe you don't mean it that way but I can't imagine fighting so hard and voraciously over a decision that another married couple made.  It simply doesn't make sense to me. 

Holly, you bring up a really good point.  I'm not sure as a wife how I would handle my husband allowing this kind of intrusion into our marriage, certainly it would raise a lot of red flags for me. 

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

gottcha sdi... thanks for clarifying .. and you're right the same philosophy should apply to all involved.

1Glitterati

Quote from: Pen on April 23, 2011, 01:52:06 PM


By the same token, there are young people who outright dismiss anything anyone from an older generation has to say even if it has merit. My DIL announced one day that she "hates old people!" No one specifically (besides us.) She didn't give a reason, just said she hated old people.
[/quote]

I won't disagree with that.

luise.volta

April 23, 2011, 05:39:26 PM #168 Last Edit: April 23, 2011, 07:54:59 PM by luise.volta
Can we just agree that ther are "some" of everything out there? Sending love...but I am weary...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

AnonymousDIL

 :-[ :-[ :-[ I hate "old people drivers" when they are doing 15 under the speed limit! LOL  :D

I don't remember who made the comment about Dont' trash talk DIL even though we know she is trash talking us to her DH....

My thoughts on that. NEVER trash talk someone to their spouse-- No telling DS that DIL is horrible or DD that SIL is horrible. NOT Cool in my book.
However, what happens between two married people (DS/DIL or SIL/DD) should stay between them. If a SIL/DIL feels the need to share something negative about their DM/DF/MIL/FIL then he or she has ever right to do it. Being a married couple is about blending yourselves into one. If DH thinks that my mom is being overly clingy at some point (I probably won't think so) I want him to TELL me that he thinks we should have her back off slightly. So, I guess it may seem like a double standard, but different types of relationships (Parent/Child vs Spouses) have different "rules" and what applies for one doesn't apply for the other. Just MHO.

LaurieS

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 23, 2011, 07:07:58 PM
:-[ :-[ :-[ I hate "old people drivers" when they are doing 15 under the speed limit! LOL  :D

Hey I drive a Super Sport... so I hate anyone who is even doing the speed limit, much less 15 mph under it :)

It's all about mutual respect isn't it Adil

holliberri

Bashing is a lot different than raising an issue.

I don't bring up my ils to dh b/c he knows them better than me. That means I am probably but telling him anything he doesn't already know. Also, even if it is the truth, it hurts his feelings. I know how I feel when oriole talk bad about my family to me, and I am schooled on all of their quirks.

luise.volta

Sometime bashing's different than raising an issue and sometimes it isn't. To me, it depends on how it's presented and taken.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

After 30+ years of marriage and blended families.. we are not touchy at all when speaking about my parents or we are speaking about his ... I think that comes in time... I actually do more for my in-laws then either of their own two sons.. I've been in their lives as the wife of their son, longer then he was in their lives as just a son.. the lines begin to blur with time.


LaurieS

Quote from: luise.volta on April 23, 2011, 07:59:27 PM
Sometime bashing's different than raising an issue and sometimes it isn't. To me, it depends on how it's presented and taken.

Yes but you can't always guarantee what the outcome will be.. no matter what your intentions might have been. 

Kennedy

Quote from: Laurie on April 23, 2011, 08:03:00 PM
After 30+ years of marriage and blended families.. we are not touchy at all when speaking about my parents or we are speaking about his ... I think that comes in time... I actually do more for my in-laws then either of their own two sons.. I've been in their lives as the wife of their son, longer then he was in their lives as just a son.. the lines begin to blur with time.

This is us Laurie, LOL We are a VERY blurry couple!

Sheen

Just to play devil's advocate though, don't you think it is somewhat normal for our adult kids to be able to bring up subjects pertaining to their spouses . I mean for years you have spoken to them about the people they date, their relationships etc if you have had a good communication base with them.  I don't think the trouble is in the listening end , I think the trouble starts when we try to intervene . Any of my kids can come to me with any problem, if only to sound off but rarely do I ever give advice on how to handle it or get in the middle of their problems. I also think it is unwritten law that dil's should tread cautiously in complaining about our sons or sil about our daughters, regardless what kind of relationship they have with their ils.  In some ways I think it breeds resentment and causes trouble.
Steps off soap box to avoid the tomatoes being thrown lol

holliberri

Idk, many times, dh' s parents will use what db has said out of frustration about his wife to describe her. If parents can leave that information   out of their character summaries, then sure.

I think the problem arises when the listening party interprets gripes as serious problems instead if putting them in perspective.

I don't bring up the ils anymore because I wasn't telling dh anything he wasn't aware of.  I know the gripes that have been spoken about me weren't eye openers for dh.   He felt disrespected by his parents. I can only assume that it works that way when I do it too.

I would like a relationship with my ils where we can talk to one another directly. I suppose that will come in time.

Sun_is_still_shining


pam1

See, this is where I differ too.  At first it never crossed my mind to say anything about his parents -- until it became apparent that he didn't know what they were doing was wrong.  Again, my MIL is not a well woman (she has been diagnosed.)  So perhaps this approach doesn't work too well with everyone else but I did point out abnormal or abusive actions.  DH has said that he is so used to her and used to tuning her out that he doesn't always recognize what she's saying or doing and sometimes it's just easier to let her do what she wants. 

So for us, it has become a bonding thing.  DH knows I joke about my parents all the time, well I can do it to their face too lol. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift