Feeling Ashamed

[LaurieS]

I'd probably be equally upset if their future children peed on my table leg as well

[BrokenHope]

Oh My Dear Kennedy, How I wished I was in your shoes.
Please cherish any moment you have with your children and grandchildren.
I have started a response to your post several times and cant bring myself to tell you how I am really feeling.
Don`t be ashamed of your feelings, they are natural,  but at the same time embrace what ever time you have with your children.
And be blessed that you can experience any challenges or hick-ups you have with them.

(((Hugs))))

[luise.volta]

It is possible to embrace the time you have with your extended family and still not coexist. Even for 6 months. I have seen families try to do that and fail. Then the relationship suffers and can even be permanently affected. Some women with very thick skins, can do it. My skin is paper-thin, unfortunately. An "idea" like temporarily coexisting sounds lov-er-ly to me but I can't pull it off. There are too many variables and not enough maturity (and energy) to go around. If they need help with the rental costs, I would contribute because I would be contributing either way. Sending love...

[AnonymousDIL]

It is possible to embrace the time you have with your extended family and still not coexist. Even for 6 months. I have seen families try to do that and fail. Then the relationship suffers and can even be permanently affected. Some women with very thick skins, can do it. My skin is paper-thin, unfortunately. An "idea" like temporarily coexisting sounds lov-er-ly to me but I can't pull it off. There are too many variables and not enough maturity (and energy) to go around. If they need help with the rental costs, I would contribute because I would be contributing either way. Sending love...

I agree, Luise. In theory, it would be great to live with my mom (not MIL lol) for 6 months, but in reality after a week we would probably want to kill each other lol. Just the little things can become so irritating. I've always been a do the dishes when you have a sinkful kind of girl and my mom is one of those must wash the dish as soon as it is dirty girls. We argued all the time about dishes when I lived at home. Just silly stuff. But it isn't worth ruining a relationship over.

[Rose799]

I watched a program with Dr. Christine Northrup where she discussed the seasons of life, aka menopause.  I expected a discussion about hot flashes, etc. She discussed it to some degree, but she also explained how it affects our brains.  She said we've been through those seasons of being someone's daughter, wife, & mother.  Menopause is the time when we find our selves.  We've done the home-making stuff, and taken care of other people, whether it be our dc or dp's, putting others needs before our own.  She said this is the time in a woman's life when we think about how we'd like to spend the 2nd half of our lives.  We want to do those things that make us happy.  I stored that in my memory bank so I could decide for myself when the time came.  I know now that she was absolutely correct.  As I recall, her husband was an attorney.  She & friend always wanted to open a non-profit clinic for women.  Her dh said the idea was ridiculous.  As she put it, she got rid of all her old baggage (divorced her husband).  After standing by him for years, working her life around his career, she felt he should have been supportive of her.   She & her friend did open the clinic.  I have to admit; I've recently discovered a selfish bone I never realized existed.  Maybe that's why couples divorce after umpteen years of marriage? 

The advice you've received is terrific, Kennedy, but I have one question.  How do you handle the disciplining of gc in your home when dp's opt not to? 

[themuffin]

Hello Ladies,
I've been reading here for awhile and I've replied in a few threads. But this is my first Post so forgive any mistakes I may make. I'm still learning.

I'll try to give you a little back ground about myself. Hopefully someone can share some advice with me?
 

Like many women I married my husband right out of high school. We started having children only a year later. So I've been a wife and mother all but 19 years of my life.
We all have dreams when we are young and mine was to be a Wife and Mother. So I've lived my dream and I've loved every second of it!!

OMG, Kennedy, the first few paragraphs of your life are so similar to mine that I thought I wrote it!

I enjoyed being a mother so much that I remember thinking that I wouldn't know how I would ever cope when they finally left home.  And when they would talk about moving out of state my heart would drop.

My ODS left for the first time after a terrible incident between him and his dad. He and I was still okay at this time. Anyway, I couldn't get out of bed for a week.  The house just didn't feel the same.  My home felt like a puzzle that was missing a huge piece.  But.....as time passed and I saw that DS was happy in his new place and that life went on at home I began to like that there was one less person in the house.   

Okay..Okay...I admit it!!!!  IT WAS GREAT!!!  Food lasted much longer.  Milk actually went bad!!!  Less laundry, lower utility bills and less sprinkles on the toilet seat!!!  OMG, but I got to thinkin' a girl could get used to this!  I started imagining the other two gone (we have three boys).  They are good "children" and are welcome to stay as long as it works for us, but hubby and I dream of the day when it's just us!

I became a mother on my 19th birthday. ODS was the greatest gift God could give.  I kinda believe that had he not returned home we may still be getting along now.  I understand your fears.  Six months is a long time.  I can't lie, there are few people in this world that I would like to visit with me for six months.  Not even my own Dear Mother who I love over the moon. We've all seen the sitcoms and the cartoons are the dearest friends and family members who come to words after attempting to live together for a short time.  But I imagine it can also be fun too.

Since you all get along I imagine that this could be a not-so- bad experience.  If everyone is considerate of each other this could be a great time to make some wonderful memories....Think of all the stories you'll be able to start with, "Remember when you lived with us for six months, and..........?!!!!"

The women on this board are very wise.  Take a few tips from them and personalize them and this may be a happy time for all of you.  Good luck!

BTW,

Laurie, you have got to be one of the funniest women I've ever "met"!  LOL about the dog and the kids!  Your house must be a HOOT!

[pam1]

Oh Kennedy, I feel your pain.  My DD is not an adult, but we've already had the talks that once she's gone, she's gone.  I've got to be honest, I don't think I'd let my kids move back in for that long.  Maybe a month or two, most likely we would have to come up with a solution for an extended stay somewhere else.  I wouldn't mind helping but if they're married with children that's a huge load for you. 

[themuffin]

Oh Kennedy, I feel your pain.  My DD is not an adult, but we've already had the talks that once she's gone, she's gone.  I've got to be honest, I don't think I'd let my kids move back in for that long.  Maybe a month or two, most likely we would have to come up with a solution for an extended stay somewhere else.  I wouldn't mind helping but if they're married with children that's a huge load for you.

I understand what you are saying and think I would feel the same way, but how do you say, "no", and not cause hard feelings that may forever impact the relationship? 

[pam1]

You know Muffin, I don't know.  My DD is 8 and we already talk about it now.  I don't think it will cause her hard feelings, but I can't see into the future either so it's a gamble.  (she does know emergencies etc I will help her out)  But we talk about a lot of stuff now, college, job, what her responsibilities will be in the next coming years.

Well, also this is the child when she wad 5 told me that she would never take a driving class and that she'll just take one of my old licenses to drive lol. 

[holliberri]

I think most kids fairly understand if their parents can't take them in. I don't think they'd make their parents feel guilty (or intentionally make any guilt that is there worse).

[Rose799]

Isnt she a wonderful Author and speaker. I have one of her books. She along with Joyce Myers has really had an impact on some of the strength I have gained over the last 6 yrs.
[/quote]

Two more wise women...

[Nana]

Hi Kennedy  (btw I was President Kennedy's and his wife Jackie's fan, so I loved your name).

As the other nice ladies said...nothing to be ashame of. 
When My son got married (and my youngest daughter was at SDSU) i got all depressed.  I was told it was the empty nest syndrome.  I really needed to be needed.  I was not prepared to make the transition again....from being a girl to being a mom, and now from being a mom to being noone lol.    But I got it, and I started enjoying myself....my alone time, napping anytime I felt like it.  Not cleaning after anybody but my husband.  It was great.  I loved it and discover that this season of my life....was the bonus price to all my hard-work. 

There will be a big change in your life again.  Its true, Brokenhope wish she would be in your place....and it is understandable.  It has it pros and cons....you will enjoy them a lot...but still you have to be very careful of not damaging your relationship with son/dil because of it.  Of course you had to say yes, I wouldnt dare not letting them come to live to my house....regardless of the time, but it will take some time for you to really adjust. 

Just think...when losing patience....only 6 months...and with this in mind....act. 

Hoping the best for you always

[AnonymousDIL]

You know Muffin, I don't know.  My DD is 8 and we already talk about it now.  I don't think it will cause her hard feelings, but I can't see into the future either so it's a gamble.  (she does know emergencies etc I will help her out)  But we talk about a lot of stuff now, college, job, what her responsibilities will be in the next coming years.

Well, also this is the child when she wad 5 told me that she would never take a driving class and that she'll just take one of my old licenses to drive lol.

Pam, as she hits the teens you might want to be careful how you phrase things, etc. My mom used to tell my brother and I all the time how she couldn't wait until we were out of the house. How much she wanted us gone and that it was HER house and all we were were tenants. Yes, she called us tenants (We were 12 and 13). Sure did make me feel loved lol... Anywho, I had a LOT of resentment towards her because of this. Soooo, just be careful. :-)

[pam1]

That's true ADIL, thanks for reminding me.  It's funny how you try to overcompensate for your parents, seems to be a theme.  My parents were so hands off with things like college and jobs, they just expected you to do them and they never talked about it to me. 

[AnonymousDIL]

Yes, Overcompensate! That's it! I must do my best to not overcompensate for my mom and give our kids the impression that they can live in our basement until they are 40! But I don't want them to feel I am going to kick them out at 18 either....