Feeling Ashamed

[Kennedy]

Hello Ladies,
I've been reading here for awhile and I've replied in a few threads. But this is my first Post so forgive any mistakes I may make. I'm still learning.

I'll try to give you a little back ground about myself. Hopefully someone can share some advice with me?
 

Like many women I married my husband right out of high school. We started having children only a year later. So I've been a wife and mother all but 19 years of my life.
We all have dreams when we are young and mine was to be a Wife and Mother. So I've lived my dream and I've loved every second of it!!

Also like many Mothers, It was a huge adjustment for me when one by one they moved out of the house and started building a life and their own families.
As parents raising them to stand on their own and make a good life for themselves is our goal.
I never wanted a 30 year old laying around on my sofa. So I knew they would leave home one day.
What I didn't know was that  all the emotions that would hit me. It shook me to my core and made me feel unsure of who I even was as a person.

Finding out *who* I am. Without the role of Caretaker/Mother is a whole other bag of worms that I won't get into right now.

Anyhow this is what is making feel ashamed of myself!. Our middle child and his family are moving into our house for about 6 months while redoing their home. You would think I would be thrilled . Right?
But  I'm *not* happy about it!!! I am finally loving where I am in life right now!!! I love having time alone! I am really loving my role as a Grandmother!! All the joy and happiness I feel around my grandchildren is amazing! then after they wear me out, I love being able to send them home. LOL

I've been blessed that the people our children married get along with us great! We have none of the horrible drama that I've read about in so many places. We see our Grandchildren about once a week sometimes more. And I'm good with that!!

Where I used to fry 5 pounds of Chicken for supper, I only fry 3 pieces now. Where I've done at the very least 3 loads of laundry a day for years. I now only do laundry once a week and  then it's only 2 loads. And 1 load of sheets,towels and so on.
 
We have a big empty house and they of course are welcome anytime. I love them with all my heart and they know that.

But this dread feeling I have has caught me off guard. And it is so not *me*. What kind of Mother and Grandmother wouldn't love to have her child and grandchild in the house with them like that?

I of course haven't said a word to anyone and I won't either. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way? Or is it me?  I should feel ashamed!! I've tried to work on being a better me. Is these feelings something I should work on so I don't have them?  I've spent my life always putting my children and their needs first. And I don't like that I feel this way. I really don't! I also don't want anything to damage the friendship I have with our DIL.
Thank you to those who took time to read this. I'm not to great at trying to explain my feelings. I hope this post doesn't make anyone shake their head?

[Scoop]

Oh Kennedy - you have nothing to feel ashamed of!  You're allowed your feelings.  You can see that this will be a HUGE change and a HUGE disruption in your lives and you've got mixed feelings about it.  That's completely fair.

You haven't mentioned it to anyone, but I think it's fair to talk to your DH about it.  But don't mention it to the rest of your family.  Your DS and DIL are feeling out of sorts over it too.  It would be nice to sit down with them and discuss ground rules, who cooks, who cleans, sharing of groceries, utility bills, conflict resolution ect.  If I were you and you were me, I would start planning a weeks vacation somewhere in the middle of this 'invasion', so that for half of the time, you and DH can look forward to your week of peace and for the other half of the time, you can look forward to the end.

My Mom says that there are Seasons in our lives, and this is a hard season for you, DH, DS & DIL.  BUT like regular seasons, it will end.  You can endure ANYTHING as long as you know it will end.

I think you're going into this with a healthy attitude (realistic, not rose-coloured glasses).  It could very easily "go south", so do what you can, right from the beginning to smooth things over.

Good luck! I wish you patience!

[LaurieS]

I'm shaking my head but in the form of a nod.  I understand EXACTLY what you are saying and let me assure you.. YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL..  I love my kids.. love even more participating in specials events and moments... I love having them over, we cook,  we eat, drink, laugh, and as I learned here this week.. we don't fight the love.. but then they go home and my dh and I are back to our blissful lives of fewer physical demands.  We bop in the pool, sit outside on nice nights, the house is quiet unless we are listening by choice to our music.  We plan trips, dinners out, events to attend and for the first time in our lives we only have to take into consideration, the dogs  

My son and his gf were here for approx a month before returning to Japan.. I love them both, but I still found myself reverting back into "mom" ... it's not that they were really expecting me to.. it's where my 'zone' is when I'm around my kids.

Don't feel guilty.. I'm with you and I'm sure that most of the other women here are as well.

[holliberri]

Kennedy, I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of. I was dying to be a mother, but I had 6 long lovely years with my DH before hand. My life and habits completely changed when my DD finally got here. Over the past year, sometimes I  felt guilty for looking back on those times when we had a quiet, clean house and aching for it. I missed not being able to go out on date night without some little tiny company. I missed going out of the house looking half nice and not being utterly exhausted from a baby awake all night or the IDEA of a baby waking during the night. I was ashamed of that...I even thought that I deserved all of my fertility problems because I didn't appreciate DD enough when she got here. 

I'm not the best mom, but I don't think that one of my shortcomings is something to be ashamed of, or something that is considered not normal. I'm only human; I enjoyed my single life as much as my married life, and my childless-marriage as much as the state of  my marriage now. I was blissfully happy before, and blissfully happy after.

Plus, this change for you is only temporary. I'd be a lot less committal about something that was only 6 months versus something that was more long term. I bet you'll miss them a little when they move out once again! Us moms are good saddling that fence.

[overwhelmed123]

Kennedy,

Don't sweat it!!  I have the best mom in the world (my personal opinion, of course  ) and I know she does NOT miss having me in the house and all that came with it.  Sure, she misses me and she likes for us to come visit- but not falling back into the role of the "mom" who takes care of everyone and everything.  This is the way it's SUPPOSED to be.  ENJOY your life of mature adulthood!!   

[luise.volta]

It wouldn't have worked for me, either. I would do the best I could to help them find another solution. If you didn't live near, what then? What would they have done? I have seen people rent for 6 months. For many of us, but not all, the way to preserve your relationship with adult children and their extended families is to preserve the healthy distance that has been established...for all concerned. Sending love...

[overwhelmed123]

It wouldn't have worked for me, either. I would do the best I could to help them find another solution. If you didn't live near, what then? What would they have done? I have seen people rent for 6 months. For many of us, but not all, the way to preserve your relationship with adult children and their extended families is to preserve the healthy distance that has been established...for all concerned. Sending love...

Amen to that, Luise! 

[courtney]

Hi Kennedy. Thanks for sharing. I really loved reading your story, as you sound like a very happy person, probably easy to get along with. I have never been in your exact same situation, so I am not sure I am qualified to give advice. But I do have an opinion! And, Some things popped into my mind, like NO! I am not shaking my head at all! You are being very honest about a real concern of yours. I am sure there's some WW here that can advice you, but no feelings are wrong. It's what we do with them that matters.
What came into my mind when you were telling of the work reduction (laundry, big pans of dinner) that comes with the empty nest...why would that change for you?
I'm sure your daughter in law would apreciate you cooking a day here or there, but isn't she going to miss her own freedom to shop, prepare, cook & feed her own family as she did in their home?
Won't she be taking care of her families laundry needs?
Are you inviting them to come 'live with you so you can take care of them'?
Or are you 'providing a place for them to stay, & continue life as they know it', while their own place is being worked on?

My opinion of this is that if you get it clear in your head about how it can be the most comfortable for you, sit down with her, ask what she envisions as the time spent there will be like, & what way would be most comfortable for her, talk about expectations, maybe compromise some duties and coordinate time spent in common areas?...(You cook 2 nights a week for the whole family, her take care of the rest of the nights...maybe they eat 4;30 pm, you & hubby eat 6:30 pm?  You watch the kids while she does her grocery shopping, she take care of the sweeping, mopping, vacuuming of kitchen & livingroom...afterall, those rooms will have more crumbs with kids around! She makes sure the bathroom stays clean, you be responsible for rubbish getting outside to the cans...
What ever it takes! I know I got very specific, but you both are used to running households the way you like it. You both are going to need a sense of 'control' in this new combined routine, or both of your husbands individually, are going to be getting earfulls by the end of the first week!
Like I said, just my opinion! If I am way off base, that's ok, like I said, I never have been in this exact situation. Closest to same was my oldest daughter living at home til age 23...she & I lived 'separately', but together.
We left a spiral bound notebook in the kitchen for messages ( because we both worked, and was easier than trying to remember to fill each other in on things, in passing!)about whether the dog was walked, gonna p/u dog food today, having some friends in tonight to watch a movie-feel free to join us, I'm cooking big meal tonight at 4-7 pm tuesday night, go ahead and eat left over dinner, bought too much deli, please have some, won't be home fri night, I'm in bed early with a headache, 'certain'cat-we had 7- keeps throwing up, pls keep an eye on him...etc...it worked out very well!)
I guess what I am saying is, work out the details, advance planning of line of communication, and respect for privacy & independence...And don't worry about the husbands, they probably will go along with what ever you two women say will work for you!!
Good luck, and have fun!  I am so looking forward to hear what other WW will have to say! Sounds like an adventure to me!  -Courtney

[AnonymousDIL]

You have nothing to be ashamed of. When I lost my job, my mom offered to let me move back home, but I could tell she really didn't want me to, nor did I want to. So glad I didn't have to! lol I'm sure, even though your DS/DIL love you and you all get along, they are having a few stressful thoughts about the whole thing. ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) it'll all work out. Only 6 months!

[Kennedy]

What wonderful replies!! Thank each and everyone of you..
So many ways of doing what I was worried about that I hadn't even thought of. Wow! Thank you all.
I love the idea of a trip half way through! And Courtney I have no idea why I didn't think of the stuff you wrote. What a wonderful idea and I'll work on my expections and then we will talk. My DIL is a lovely girl and she most likely wouldn't tell me if I offended her. But I don't want to offend her. I love and care about her! And I'm sure living with your MIL isn't a dream come true for her either.
I suppose I didn't think of her helping with cooking ect. is because that was my job for years. But he is married to her now and she or himself should do their own laundry. What was I thinking? Duh??

Luise you are so wise!!! My husband hasn't told me he feels like I do. but I think he has worries too. Because he told me of a friend of ours who has a trailer for rent. So that is something I need to check about.

Mostly I really am thankful to each of you for letting me know that having my concerns, don't mean I don't love and care about them. Thanks!

[courtney]

Hi again! I must be having a very opinionated day, because I have had a couple more thoughts on this! hahaha!
The kids!!! If I were you, unless she specifically asks you to 'watch xxx for a few minutes for me please' or you are actually 'babysitting' them while their Mom is gone, I would not say anything disciplinary! Even when I am visiting their house, if I see one of the kids misbehaving, they do respond to me, but I say something like, 'xxx, go ask your mother if you should be doing that'...or if it's a case of immediacy, I might say, 'xxx, stop or I am going to call your mother in here'.  I don't tamper with a mother & her kids!!
The times when I am alone with one or more of the kids, if they misbehave, I tell them they need to stop, or 'Mummy will get mad at Gramma, and she won't let you come back here. You don't want Mummy to be mad at Gramma, do you?' haha! It's so funny how quick they straighten out!
I was thinking also, if there's to be any money compensation, give them some deposit slips, and they can hand you the receipts for the deposits. Or let the husbands figure out the money things.

Also, I really like Luise's idea too!!!!   

[LaurieS]

Yes that discipline thing will be touchy.. but you have the right to have your 'rules' for your home.  The children should be expected to listen to you as well as their own parents when in your home.... My own dil did not like that "I" how dare disciplined her dog for peeing on my table leg... if she lets him do it at home I wouldn't care.. yeah I would care lol.. that's just gross.. it's really a matter of respecting your home, your life.... 

[holliberri]

LOL, little off tangent, Laurie? Haha. That was funny.

[LaurieS]

lol.. yeah I haven't gotten over that one yet.. could  you tell    

[holliberri]

At least you're honest.