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I'm baaaaack! The MIL chronicles: Easter questions..

Started by brandynd, April 16, 2011, 07:59:29 AM

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Rose799

FYI, Pooh, I'm glad you're back.  You, yourself are a gift; I pity your ex-mil... 

Pooh

Holly, I've told my story about my real Dad.   And when he showed me all the photo albumns where he had clipped every newspaper article out about me, over my life, (sports, academics, etc.) I felt like he truly had cared about me enough to keep up with me.

So I am with you on that one.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

Quote from: Rose799 on April 21, 2011, 07:46:10 AM
FYI, Pooh, I'm glad you're back.  You, yourself are a gift; I pity your ex-mil...

Thank you very much Rose.  I am having a good day, tomorrow may be different.  It seems like the medicine is leveling off in my system, so hopefully the good days will outweigh the bad ones.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

stilltryen

"Interesting perspective. BUT, I am sure DIL says "Hey my parents are coming over, I want to have kabobs on the grill." DS KNOWS that he is to grill. BUT DS probably doesn't ask for assistance from DIL."
Not sure why it's automatically DS's job to grill, but accepting that, he still helps her with everything else.  Remember each of us here has a different issue.  Her parents come over at least once a week to visit, and a minimum of once a month to their home for dinner.  We have been invited to dinner twice in the 2 1/2 years they've been married.  The big difference for her, we're not her family.  We're just the husband's family, so we don't rate.  So if they have us over for dinner once a year, I see absolutely nothing wrong with both of them planning the menu and working together for one evening.  I hardly think that calls for "your family=your responsibility."  We don't go over unless we're invited.

"If my DH asked me to pick up XXX as a gift for his mom for Mother's Day. I would be more than happy to do it. I will NOT however be the one who has to think to come up with a gift for her. She isn't my mother and it isn't my job. Now, I might be out and about and see something that I think MIL might like and suggest it to DH, but it is ultimately his responsibility." 
That's fair enough, but in my case, DS is working two jobs (many weekends) while DIL has been at home for 4 months with the baby.  Four months during which she was able to, and has, indeed, called me many times, to watch baby while she went shopping, met her friends for lunch, etc.  You have to, again, look at each family dynamic before assessing what each partner can do, is capable of doing, how much time each has, etc. 

"And yes, we are a unti. A VERY good unti. But that means an equal partnership. Not me being his slave for all things family." -
True enough, for your situation perhaps.  As I said, DIL never does anything for us.  Thus she would never, ever, ever qualify for slave status.

I agree with the poster who said that she would never have both families on the same day, like one side for breakfast, the other side for dinner.  However, I'M not the one who called and suggested anything.  DS could have called and said, "Mom, are you and Dad having dinner, brunch or anything for Easter?  We'd like to get together," rather than the "I know we haven't invited you and Dad over to the house for nearly a year, but we're doing Easter dinner for HER parents, can we go over there for breakfast?"  (Not literally what he said, but sort of what I heard.)  In the first instance, I might have been much more pre-disposed to think about it.  The delivery of something said can make a huge difference in how the person at the other end reacts.

As for her family and us getting together, we get along very well.  In fact, I meet her mother for lunch once a month.  I like her mother, at times, much more than DIL.  We've had her parents over for dinner and vice versa.  No issues there.

AnonymousDIL

ST, am I to gather that you want your DIL to give you more attention than DIL's family? (more with dinner etc.) But, you also have an issue with the staying with GK thing during the day because you don't want to play by her rules. It seems by allowing you to watch her child she is giving you more attention. I am somewhat confused.

I know  disagree with many of the members on here as far as having my DH handle his family gifts, cards, etc. I don't feel that it is my responsibilty. Many of you feel that it is the DIL's responsibility. Let us agree to disagree.

stilltryen

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 08:48:57 AM
ST, am I to gather that you want your DIL to give you more attention than DIL's family? (more with dinner etc.) But, you also have an issue with the staying with GK thing during the day because you don't want to play by her rules. It seems by allowing you to watch her child she is giving you more attention. I am somewhat confused.

I know  disagree with many of the members on here as far as having my DH handle his family gifts, cards, etc. I don't feel that it is my responsibilty. Many of you feel that it is the DIL's responsibility. Let us agree to disagree.

More attention from DIL than she gives her family?  Oh no, I couldn't stand being around DIL that much.  If I wanted MORE attention than she gives her family, she'd practically have to move in with me.  Nope, don't care that her parents are over every month, every week, they talk every day, they go on vacations together, etc., etc.  I've told DS that I'm very, very, very happy that she has a good relationship with her folks.  They've very nice to DS and they all get along.  I just think DS & DIL could do a bit better than to invite us over for dinner once a year.  They have no problem coming over here for dinner, so it's not like we don't get along at all.  I just think (personal opinion that I don't share with them) that she doesn't want to bother making dinner or dealing with us at all because she are not relevant to her.  We're only hubby's parents, so we don't rate. 

As for watching baby, I've said I will absolutely do the rules as they pertain to her naps, feeding times, etc.  They've asked me to interact with her a lot - ha!  That's all I do.  Last time I didn't even eat because I didn't want to put her down.  I love watching her face, her expressions, I love holding her, feeling her, talking to her, etc.  95% of the rules are just fine and dandy with me, the other 5% is just first time mom being way, way too strict.  Besides this whole post was about HER changing the rules, as she wants me to drive down to their home when they're going to be practically passing mine going in the opposite direction.  So it's unacceptable for me to tweak the rules, but okay for her to completely throw a monkey wrench into the whole thing?  I think not.

I don't totally disagree with you about the birthdays, etc., however, as I noted - each family has their own dynamics and issues.  If it works for DS to deal with his family, then he should.  If that's the case in your household, then by all means, that's the way it should be.  I think each couple needs to figure it out to suit themselves.

AnonymousDIL

Do you make her nervous?

I know that I get very nervous when my MIL comes over for dinner (she's coming Sunday, and I'm less than thrilled lol). I worry that she will complain about what I make, how I make it, "it's to spicy," "it's too bland," "you should leave your kitchen that green because it looks great" (my kitchen is hideous green and in the process of remodel, but she insists on getting me stuff for the kitchen that is the same green! Sweet for her to think of us, but once she was told for the 10th time that I am painting the kitchen, I wish she would stop! *breathe* lol). And don't get me started on how I feel she is judging every nook and cranny in my house. I can't stand to have her over unless my house is Spotless! Not that hers is EVER clean (She can give those hoarder people a good run), but she likes to comment when mine isn't.  :(

Soooo, maybe you stress her out too?

Although, seeing as she wants you to come to her house to watch the baby, that sounds unlikely.

But, I was thinking. Being the numbers gal that I am. I added up your "time." So it is 40 minutes one way for you to get there. But only 13 minutes off the ramp for DS? Um, that would actually 26 minutes (13 to your house, 13 back to the freeway) Plus, he will probably at the very least say hello to you. So, lets just round it to 30 minutes. Since he is on his way to work, presumably with a set time to be there, 30 minutes out of the way would make a big difference to his overall day.

I'm not saying you should go to their house to watch the baby (I think that idea is ridiculous actually). Just something to think about. Maybe DIL is also concerned that DS won't get home at a reasonable time if he is picking baby up from your house since there wouldn't be a time clock to punch.

It seems like (even though your are G-ma and would give baby more attention) they would be better off in the family relationships if they put the baby in daycare.  :-\

pam1

ST, it sounds like you're pretty realistic about it all.  I hope it works out.  I think it's best to keep in mind the "always" & "nevers" too.  She's a new mother and still figuring it all out.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

stilltryen

AnonymousDIL, regarding your numbers crunch - uh, sort of.  It's 13 minutes from the time he gets on the off-ramp to my house.  However, after he drops her off, he can go the back way down his work, so once he turns the corner from my house he's actually "back on track" to get to his job.  Where he works is about 8 miles north of here, about 10-12 minutes, even with lights.  (He'll have some stoplights going the back way.)

If he went back on the freeway, you're right.  He would have to drive back down the hill to catch the on-ramp, then be on his way.  From the off-ramp to my house to his office, it's about 7 minutes on the freeway.

I don't think anything makes DIL nervous, although DS tells me that deep down inside she is insecure.  I've known her since junior high, so I know a lot about her.  While I disagree and get irritated with her, and rant here, I try hard with her.  I sign all emails to her, Love, XXX.  The baby looks like her.  I mentioned that the other day, saying, "That baby is the spitting image of you.  She is absolutely beautiful, just like her mother," then I hugged her.  One day after I'd watched the baby, she thanked me.  I corrected her and said, "No, thank YOU.  It is a gift you're sharing with me.  That baby is the most wonderful little person in the world."  I always compliment her on her knitting, she's very good at it.  While I don't have her same tastes (obviously, I still gag at that blanket), I do recognize that she's talented and takes the time to create what she loves.  I just wish that she would have some courtesy towards others.  Case in point, she put out an item on Craigslist for sale.  Someone answered the ad.  She refused to respond.  Why?  Because the person didn't use perfect English when he responded to her ad.  Arggggghhhhh!!!

LaurieS

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 10:48:45 AM
I know that I get very nervous when my MIL comes over for dinner (she's coming Sunday, and I'm less than thrilled lol). I worry that she will complain about what I make, how I make it, "it's to spicy," "it's too bland," "you should leave your kitchen that green because it looks great" (my kitchen is hideous green and in the process of remodel, but she insists on getting me stuff for the kitchen that is the same green! Sweet for her to think of us, but once she was told for the 10th time that I am painting the kitchen, I wish she would stop! *breathe* lol). And don't get me started on how I feel she is judging every nook and cranny in my house. I can't stand to have her over unless my house is Spotless! Not that hers is EVER clean (She can give those hoarder people a good run), but she likes to comment when mine isn't.  :(

Adil.. do you realize that you just wrote an entire paragraph of things your mil might do.. with the exception of buying you a gift in the wrong color all the rest is based on what you fear she may do, say or think.

It does concern me as well when I hear people refer to their extended families as being someone elses responsibility or problem.  As I do believe that this is the stance that my own dil as adapted... First Christmas together the kids decided that we like sausage sticks, so that  was our gift... I know that came from my son's mind... but her parents got a new puppy because that is what they would like.  Yes it was very obvious that it was a 'not my problem' way of thinking.  The next year, there was no gift for ds's brother and sister, even though ds said that they shopped together for the gifts.. when questioned it came out that dil didn't think it was her responsibility to mail the gifts and they were still shoved in the closet.   This year the brother again was left out as the dil said..wow I thought I packed his gift, oh well.  Once again the total lack of common courtesy is speaking volumes which I believe is the intent to begin with.   I believe this to be the ultimate passive/agressive approach and it works quite well. 

ST... if the Easter brunch does not work for you, simply say it doesn't work and make other plans... It's a simple holiday, not like it's the second coming of Christ  ... oh wait it is the second coming of Christ, so for all those celebrating as a religious holiday, why not find a way to make it work for everyone?   

overwhelmed123

Quote from: Laurie on April 21, 2011, 12:19:06 PM
It's a simple holiday, not like it's the second coming of Christ  ... oh wait it is the second coming of Christ, so for all those celebrating as a religious holiday, why not find a way to make it work for everyone?   

LOL!!   ;D ;D ;D

Hope

Quote from: pam1 on April 20, 2011, 06:27:34 PM
Hope, lol thanks.  It gave me a chance to get some stuff off my chest.  As far as the strides I've made with MIL this past month, I'm still nervous about Easter.  We aren't going over the day before or the day after -- however, I asked how many people were coming so I can bring the dish she requested and she said 30.  Well, hmm...were are these 30 people coming from.  I know for a fact 3 of her children and their spouses and children won't be there so by my estimation it should be around 15, which I think is an excellent chance for a nice peaceful holiday.  (we normally have huge functions with her friends of the moment you never see again and other peoples in laws etc)

And she won't give up the invite list.  It's not a humongous deal to me but just another thing that adds up.  It adds up monetarily, think every holiday we are buying all this food for and huge amounts of people.  It adds up for DH, he is an introvert and forced interaction at family holidays with strangers is very stressful to him.  And it's stressful for me having to deal with him.  And DD has to be on best manners instead of enjoying a holiday.

Ahhh, yeah I needed to get that out.  I don't understand why she isn't clear with her plans and let everyone know up front.  I do know that I'm not allowed to host a holiday but I told DH last week that I'm just going to do it when I'm ready.  Send out invites a month in advance without talking about it.
Thanks for understanding, Pam.  I think an agreed upon time limit with your dh would be a good idea to discuss before Easter - and you could have a code sentence or word or something if you feel the need to leave earlier.  Wishing you all the best....
Hugs, Hope

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: Laurie on April 21, 2011, 12:19:06 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on April 21, 2011, 10:48:45 AM
I know that I get very nervous when my MIL comes over for dinner (she's coming Sunday, and I'm less than thrilled lol). I worry that she will complain about what I make, how I make it, "it's to spicy," "it's too bland," "you should leave your kitchen that green because it looks great" (my kitchen is hideous green and in the process of remodel, but she insists on getting me stuff for the kitchen that is the same green! Sweet for her to think of us, but once she was told for the 10th time that I am painting the kitchen, I wish she would stop! *breathe* lol). And don't get me started on how I feel she is judging every nook and cranny in my house. I can't stand to have her over unless my house is Spotless! Not that hers is EVER clean (She can give those hoarder people a good run), but she likes to comment when mine isn't.  :(

Adil.. do you realize that you just wrote an entire paragraph of things your mil might do.. with the exception of buying you a gift in the wrong color all the rest is based on what you fear she may do, say or think.

It does concern me as well when I hear people refer to their extended families as being someone elses responsibility or problem.  As I do believe that this is the stance that my own dil as adapted... First Christmas together the kids decided that we like sausage sticks, so that  was our gift... I know that came from my son's mind... but her parents got a new puppy because that is what they would like.  Yes it was very obvious that it was a 'not my problem' way of thinking.  The next year, there was no gift for ds's brother and sister, even though ds said that they shopped together for the gifts.. when questioned it came out that dil didn't think it was her responsibility to mail the gifts and they were still shoved in the closet.   This year the brother again was left out as the dil said..wow I thought I packed his gift, oh well.  Once again the total lack of common courtesy is speaking volumes which I believe is the intent to begin with.   I believe this to be the ultimate passive/agressive approach and it works quite well. 

ST... if the Easter brunch does not work for you, simply say it doesn't work and make other plans... It's a simple holiday, not like it's the second coming of Christ  ... oh wait it is the second coming of Christ, so for all those celebrating as a religious holiday, why not find a way to make it work for everyone?   

MIL has actually DONE/said all these things at one time or another to a third party and it gets back to me. It hurts my feelings.

Oh, I dusted yesterday! House looks great.

Maybe if your DS would step up his brother would get his gifts. It may seem PA to you, but it is obviously something that is important to your DIL. It is something they worked out (ok, are working out?) between the two of them. Perhaps she feels if his brother complains year after year, maybe he will finally do it? How can she pick out the perfect gift for someone that she doesn't know as well as DH does?

I guess I feel most of the MIL's on here are making their DIL's out to be evil for not being the one responsible for the gift buying on DH's side of the family. As a DIL it somewhat offends me.  :-\

holliberri

ADil,

If she did it to a 3rd party, how come it hurts your feelings?

I don't like some things that people do to 3rd parties, but it doesn't hurt my feelings. It also doesn't mean they'd treat me that way.

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: Holly on April 22, 2011, 05:39:26 AM
ADil,

If she did it to a 3rd party, how come it hurts your feelings?

I don't like some things that people do to 3rd parties, but it doesn't hurt my feelings. It also doesn't mean they'd treat me that way.

Because it makes me think that she is fake. Why tell me one thing to my face, but talk bad about me behind my back. No, I don't tell MIL exactly what I think about her, but I also don't Lie to her and tell her she is wonderful and amazing either. If I don't have something nice to say to her (honestly not a lie) I simply say nothing at all.... In fact, I rarely say anything at all.  :-X

I guess I just want her to be honest with me. If she doesn't like the way I cook something, I'd rather hear it directly from her (yeah, I'd be hurt) than from someone else because then I am hurt and ANGRY because she lied.  >:(

Same with my brother. I don't tell him I think you are a *bleep-blee-bleep-bleepity-bleep* lol but I don't tell him a lie that he is the greatest brother on the planet either. Because honestly he treats me like poop (I can say that right? lol). I may say he is the best brother that I have or my favorite brother because well, he is my ONLY brother so it isn't a lie. :P