October 22, 2019, 06:13:36 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Personal Messages

Started by jill, April 15, 2011, 07:46:33 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Rose799

Quote from: Forum Moderator on April 16, 2011, 12:43:58 am
My current thought is that I could pick a day next week to turn PMs back on for 24 hours. That way, those of you who have built relationships and want to voluntarily exchange email addresses could do so privately. How does that sound?


That sounds feasible to me, Kirk.  FYI, I stated my e-mail address because I use it for this forum only... 

Make this a good day, Luise, love 'ya~

AnonymousDIL

Well, since I'm afraid I would "miss" the dealine lol, I'm going to post mine here. My1985Freckles@yahoo.com

If anyone chooses to contact me, PLEASE subject line it "XXXXXXXX from WWU." That way I know it isn't SPAM. Thanks!

1Glitterati

Quote from: Pen on April 15, 2011, 11:53:00 pm
Julia, I wish I had your attitude, and perhaps I shall one day, but right now I'm sad it came to this. There are members I would like to stay in touch with and am not comfortable posting an email address on the forum. Those of us who were not involved in the drama, and still don't quite understand all that went on, are being treated as though we've done something wrong. It would have been nice to have a little warning so we could contact people privately regarding email addresses.

I understand why Luise and Kirk had to take such drastic measures, but I wish there had been a way to deal with the few who were involved rather than implicating all of us. There were times when everything was going well here that I would think to myself, "Do not take this site for granted. There will come a day when this resource isn't available. Cherish it while you have it." I'm glad I did.


I'm mostly with Pen.  I can see why this was done, however I think it is very silly that it came to this.  If we had an eye-roll smiley I would insert it here. 

What I take away from this is basically...if  you can't say something that the other person will think of as nice (meaning that you disagree with their point of view)...then don't say it because disagreeing isn't nice.

1Glitterati

Oops...forgot to add (which we can't do anymore because that feature was turned off, too) that I chuckle at the notion that what recently happened was a great unpleasantness.  I've seen boards with great unpleasantness---this isn't one of them--not by a long shot.

Tara

Glitter,

It seems like your minimizing the concerns that have arise here. 
I was out of the loop most of last week so missed the conflicts, but
my take is that Luise is visioning a board here that is functioning on a very skillful,
thoughtful and civil level.  I for one support that.  When things don't
seem like they are going anywhere in a post, I usually just pass
and go on to another.  But I understand what some of the people
are feeling who took a 'time out' and respect that. 

Did you see the piece that Kirk wrote?

all the best


1Glitterati

Quote from: Tara on April 16, 2011, 08:33:41 am
Glitter,

It seems like your minimizing the concerns that have arise here. 
I was out of the loop most of last week so missed the conflicts, but
my take is that Luise is visioning a board here that is functioning on a very skillful,
thoughtful and civil level.  I for one support that.  When things don't
seem like they are going anywhere in a post, I usually just pass
and go on to another.  But I understand what some of the people
are feeling who took a 'time out' and respect that. 

Did you see the piece that Kirk wrote?

all the best


The only real concern I can wrap my mind around is the time that Luise is having to deal with squabbling child-like behavior when someone sees something they don't want to see because it doesn't 100% support them and they blow up Luise's pm box.  So, we all get the feature taken away because certain people having the feature takes up too much time.

I don't see that there has been a huge level of public incivility.  There has been disagreement...but I haven't seen much incivility.  I HAVE seen some majorly passive agressive responses to disagreement, though.  What I see on  many of the threads is that there is no resolution because they are shut down when anything becomes slightly contentious.  Rarely does something progress to the point of resolution or understanding because so many posters on here can't stand to be disagreed with and think it's "mean" and then take up Luise's time by whining about it in private.

Yes, I saw Kirk's post.  Is there a question you would specifically like to ask me in regards seeing it?  What I took away from it was be careful of the degree you disagree with others because not too much of that is going to be allowed, and don't vent on here.

LaurieS

Quote from: Faithlooksup on April 16, 2011, 05:24:16 am
Hi Kirk and Luise!!!

I for one can clearly understand why this had to be done.  Situations became out of hand and enough is enough.....



Situations were escalated without any care or concern for Luise or her forum.  Most of these were done behind the scenes in the form of PM's... proof in the pudding as it's been noted here.   Loaded challenging messages being posted... demands being made about the rooms, and Luise having demands made upon her... who are any of us to make a demand on how she runs this room?  I don't care if you don't like me, my attitude or the way I word things,  you don't have the right to demand that I or anyone else be removed.  You've got a problem with me here's my email mlslo2@hotmail.com... I'll supply you with a phone number if you like..

Those who have  attempted to form a tag team need to look into that mirror first.  Playing dumb with the googly eyes as in postings that go "oh who would have ever done that" is only adding fuel to the fire and you are more transparent then you think.  Like little spider legs people have reached out trying to pull others into their game, and a few have fallen prey..

I have a hard time relating to some who have had children walk or run out of your lives..  I do not face these issues and find it hard to relate.. I've stated before the that extreme abuse, sexual abuse, etc is outside of my realm as well... Sorry I lived a pretty boring normal life with parents who didn't beat me or hand me off ... my views are my own that has been stated here before.  If I disagree with a statement, I disagree... and yes I have spoken out against what I perceive as abuse of a child... and I will continue to.  In reading that, I think I'm saying that I'm not apologizing for having a normal life, with only a challenging dimension of a dil.

What I think I find odd about this room is.. when I hear statements like,  you can have an opinion but no right be opinionated.. look it up if you don't know the difference..  are you not doing exactly what you have condemned others of doing?  There is healthy debate, there is just flat out debate situations will always vary.  But rest assure that passive/aggressive messages are noted by more then those you intended.  Yanno why not say what you mean ... and not spend so  much time attempting to set up landmines.


Tara

Glitter,

A thought comes to mind, that perhaps different people on the forum have different degrees of tolerance for communication
thats not what I would call skillful.  You know that old saying:  "Its not what you say but how you say it"?  Last week I saw
a dialogue were one of the members was talking in the most rude and demeaning  way to a member who is ALWAYS sane and
balanced in her responses.  It didn't make any sense except that the person who seemed to have the inflated ego actually
had a disturbance.

Also, I've seen boards locked because the person really needed much more than can offered here on wwu and zillions of posts and women were involved in helping a person who wasn't able to incorporate what was being offered, and even at the end of the many pages of input attacked people trying to help.    You may be referencing this in some of your comments.   

I think Luise has been doing a magnificent job with this forum keeping the focus on the 'higher good' of all of us.  The diversity of women who come here from around the world, different cultures, different psychological issues.  Its got to be a huge challenge.

Glitter, have you seen other forums where they integrated mils and dils?  I'm not that online savvy.  Is this forum unusual in
this respect?  I think that it might be, but not sure about that.

1Glitterati

Quote from: Tara on April 16, 2011, 09:18:20 am
Glitter, have you seen other forums where they integrated mils and dils?  I'm not that online savvy.  Is this forum unusual in
this respect?  I think that it might be, but not sure about that.


No...I haven't seen many integrated forums.  That is absolutely true. 

I think one of the reasons that this board remains "mixed" is that the degree to which something can be discussed very in depth is limited.  When something comes up that makes someone else uncomfortable or that they find disagreeable then the shutdowns start. 

As I stop to think on it...I wonder if that isn't why pm's snowballed, blew up, and became more than one person was willing to or could handle?


Faithlooksup

My Take of what Kirk has posted is basically simple:

If you must disagree~~do so respectfully.....and if you really need to jump down someones throat "Journal It." and come on back when you are feeling more balanced.

"Kindness Matters"~~~~~ :)

Hi Tara, How are you doing????  Happy Spring!!!  But it most certainly does not feel like spring in my neck of the woods~~its April and I am still wearing my winter coat...

Tara

Glitter:  I have gotten alot of excellent support in my mil role from dils, including you. 

Faith:  I agree with you about the essence of Kirks message. 
           Hello to you too.  Its still cold here in ashland, except for a few days or part days of
           sun here and there.  I still wear my leather jacket when I go out at night, but
           the snow peas, spinach and lettuce is sprouting in the garden.

I am off to a meeting...

holliberri

Since my e-mail address clearly identifies who I am...my display name might as well too. I'm not trying to confuse anyone, I'll just go by my real name on here now. I wasn't quite sure why I was so afraid of owning my point of view to begin with.

If you need me, you can go to my profile and e-mail me.

Holly/Holliberri

Forum Moderator

@cdb - As you know, I emailed you directly.

@Julia - I hear you about the value of PMs; that they're not always used to incite more conflict. I like your suggested PM structure, but the problem is that if the technology doesn't force that kind of formatting most members won't comply. I'm discussing some possible solutions with my mom.

@Faithlooksup - I appreciate your comments.

@Rose799 - Understood re: your email address. Just wanted you and others to know that when an email address is listed on a public web page it can easily end up on spam lists, which dramatically increases the amount of inbound spam. Not fun.

@1Glitterati - Not sure how you came to those conclusions. The forum encourages multiple points of view, which obviously includes disagreement. Your and all other member's agreement is to do so with decorum. My response, here and now, is an example of being polite. Note that I'm challenging your conclusion AND that I am treating you with respect. It's so easy to drop the conversation level to reaction (like sarcasm) and when that happens the purpose and benefit of this forum space is lost. There's a big opportunity for personal healing and growth here. My Mom's committed to nurturing personal transformation, not providing a space for bickering.

@Tara - Glad you get my Mom's intention. I share the perception that her role is challenging and that she's doing a great job.

Forum Moderator

Update on Personal Messages (PMs): For now, we're going to keep PMs disabled. If you'd like to make yourself available for email communication, you can:

-- Login to your WWU account.

-- Go to "Profile > Account Settings".

-- Enter your email address at Email and check the Allow users to email me box.

-- Enter your current password and click the Change Profile button.

The forum software will then display a little envelope icon under your display name. Using this option doesn't publicly expose the email address; however, if you receive an email and choose to reply to it the recipient will then know your email address.

LaurieS

One member had said that she created an account just for emails from this type of forum.. that was smart thinking and a great idea ... lol  I wasn't so smart,  but you can always change the email account as well can't you Kirk?