Am I the only one who is angry?

[themuffin]

Hello everyone,

  I've been having issues with my son for a couple of years now.  It's gotten worst and after another disrespectful act and comment that broke the camels back I told him he had to go.  Oh, not just him, but the girlfriend that I had taken in when her family no longer wanted her.  This is actually the second time son has left the house.  The first time was when he lost his mind and attempted to fight his father.  He was gone for almost a year that time.  At first it was hard and painful, but after a bit it was very nice.  Peace in my home...sigh.  What a wonderful feeling.  No walking on egg shells afraid you are going to say something that might upset him. 

He messed up at his new place and needed to come back home and so we welcomed him back.  For the most part our relationship was indifferent.  We were cordial to each other.  He has two brothers but because he's so back stabbing and two faced one of his brothers won't talk to him and hasn't done so in over two years.  Awkward because we all live in the same house.

Were we  perfect parents? Of course not, but we did a lot of things to try to make all of them happy.  I know for a fact that we were good parents. And that's why I'm angry.  He talks all kinds of crap about me behind my back.  His girlfriend tells me all about it.  Some of the stories he tells are outrageous!!! 
Example: He always had a learning disablility and needed extra help.  I fought the Board of Ed. hard to get him the help he needed without them just throwing him into special ed.  He recieved an extra hour per day of one on one instruction.  Anyway, this is the story he told.  While in grade school his brother (the one who no longer speaks to him) teased him about being stupid.  He said he came to me in tears and told me about it.  I, his mother, told him that it didn't matter that he was stupid because he had a big penis!

This story came out while we were playing a family game.  The object of the game was to be asked a question, provide an answer, and the rest of the group had to decide if the answer was true or false.  His question was to tell something your mother taught you.  So silly me didn't even get upset by his odd tell.  I simply said, "FALSE".  He said "No, mama. It's true."  And his little girlfriend sat on my couch bouncing up and down saying, "It's true, it's true, it's true.  He told me and my family that story a long time ago." I could no longer speak.  If the top of my head could have blown off like in those cartoons it would have.  I was furious with him. And to think he told that story to other people. Want to know the worst part?  He believes it!!!  He actually believes his own lies.  Is that a sickness or something?

Something I should tell you about my son.  He's a big liar. He's been lying since childhood. I don't know why because I've always told all my boys that they would never be punished for telling the truth. Also, this same liar has robbed me blind.  A lot of middle school girls got some really nice gifts due to Mr. Sticky fingers.  We thought we did the right thing and took him to a therapist.    You see, he used to be a wonderful, loving little boy. He was so sweet and obedient.  Aside from when we found out he was a liar and a thief he seemed to good to be true.  Nothing like his brothers.  He always seeme to want to please everyone.  Maybe that's why he's the person he is now. 

I admit they all witnessed some terrible arguments between their father an I.  But was the worst of it.  I made sure that we made happy family memories.  We had weekly events.   Three nights a week we did something. We had game night, movie night and take-out food night.  On Sundays we had big dinners.  On Christmas and holidays we did the works.  When they were little they were read to each night after their baths.  We sang, we danced.  Each year we went on vacations.  Every single day of their lives they were told "I love you".  But more importantly, they were showed.  They were rarely ever spanked.  I thought talking to them could correct the matter just as well.  I mean I could just go on and on about how much we did together. 

He has no reason to treat me so badly!!!  I think my son is a sociopath.  And although I love him, I no longer like him.  AND I'M MAD!!!  Mad because I work hard to earn their love and respect.  I'm a good person and I deserved to liked, especially by my own children.  My own son.  I can't imagine what happened to him that made him this way.  All I know is that he treats me like the bottom of his shoe and to that I say FU (can I say that here?)

I'm so thankful that I have two other sons that treat me with love and respect.  They often talk about the good times and the happy memories that we all share.  My son is determined to be miserable.  I've tried harder than hard to reach out to him.  I give up! He'll come around if he wants to.  And if he doesn't want to, that's fine too.  I've done my job.  I've only ever wanted their happiness.  Now I'm going to take mine back.  Peace of mind is calling my name. 

My son doesn't say he hates me.  He answers my calls.  He can even utter the words "I love you".  But it's all empty.    It's okay because I'm feeling empty now too.

[themuffin]

I think I forgot to add that my son is 22 yrs old.  His father and I have been married for 23 years.  He was born on my birthday.  I used to think he was the greatest gift ever.  Now if he moved across the world, as long as I knew he was healthy and happy I would be fine with it!

[luise.volta]

Most of us start out cluttering this whole situation up with logic. It has none. And we have all experienced anger. It's normal and probably necessary. Beyond that is the knowledge that we can't change it and that trying to or even wanting to will do us in. We move on to saving ourselves and recreating lives that are no longer focused on our adult children and extended families out of the need for survival and eventually peace. Sending love...

[LaurieS]

I'm not sure why you are angry... He has ventured out on his own once again.. this time do not accept him back (easier said then done).. there comes a time when our kids have to realize that there are consequences attached to their choices... for every action there is a reaction, etc.  It's time for him to go off on his own and make it in his world.. nothing to be angry about, it's just the way it is.

[themuffin]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.  Laurie, I think I'm angry because he's treatment of me is so unfair.  I feel that I should be treasured. I had such dreams of how happy my little family was going to be.  I used to imagine the big family holidays with my grandchildren.  I always thought that we would be loving and affectionate toward each other.  I thought my adult children and I would be friends.  I tried so hard to make sure they were happy.  Why is it okay to make me unhappy?

[pam1]

Themuffin, I know you didn't mean your post this way but it had me dying laughing, you're a gifted writer.  I died when you described that family game night scene and the gf jumping up and down on the couch chanting lol

I'm not sure that I'd feel angry in your situation as much as relieved that he's out of your home.  But you have every right to your feelings.  I can understand being upset and it does seem like he has a severe issue with lying.  There is probably nothing you can do and I know that has to be frustrating.

[lancaster lady]

hi Muffin

a lot of kids feel they owe their parents nothing , I'm sorry to say .
Not all , but some , at least you have the other two . He'll probably be back anyway ..

[holliberri]

Hi Muffin,

I also laughed. You must have a great sense of humor when you're actually trying to be funny.

I think people lie to make others happy and also because they feel inadequate; it has more to do with them than you. I also think that if people lie enough, they believe the lies they tell after awhile. How could you keep track of truth and fiction otherwise??

I think you should enjoy the peace in your home and also perhaps gear up for the fact that maybe you don't want him back in your house when the time comes that he needs a place to stay once more.

[themuffin]

Thanks for the compliment Pam.     You can't imagine how upset I was to know that he'd been telling people that story.  Whoa! What would you think of a mother who would tell her little boy such a thing.  I asked him did he report it to his counselor?  I mean he was about nine at this time. When was I suppose to have checked out this ginormous penis?  Was I peeking thru the bathroom keyhole?  He made me come off as a real pervert.  I asked him if he skipped to his little friends and tell them that his "mommy said it was okay that he was dumb because he had a big one!" He couldn't remember.  Know why he didn't remember?....Because it NEVER happened.

Oh, another funny story.  The same "it's true, it's true, it's true" girlfriend was given an engagement ring about a year ago.  I heard about it but never actually saw it.  I asked to see it twice but she was not wearing it either time.  I forgot all about it until one day I saw it on the headboard.  I picked it up and she volunteers, "that's my engagement ring". .....Ummmm...no Sweetie, that's MY engagement ring!!!!!  This was a ring that my hubby gave to me when we were teenagers.  I stopped wearing it when we upgraded to matching bands.  I didn't know it was gone until I saw it on the headboard. 

She told me Mr. Liar told her that he got it from his grandmother (my mother).  She believed him and actually still did.  Okay, easy to prove. Let's call grandma.  His story changed.  He found that ring at the grocery store where he worked.  He only made up the grandma story because it was more romantic.  That's his story and he's sticking to it.  I made him sign a form admitting he lied or they were both out of my home.  But he still has her believing that I'm the crazy one.  After all, I wouldn't know my own engagement ring.

Son said he hasn't stolen from me since he was in middle school.  I guess he was the only 21 year old in grade school.   He's re-gifted almost all of my jewelry.  We all had to have locks installed on our bedroom doors.  We didn't get one for his and he got upset.  I had to remind him that he was the reason we needed  the locks. I can't even leave my purse in my own kitchen.  Yep. I am glad he's gone.

Thanks for the words of comfort Lancaster.

[LaurieS]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.  Laurie, I think I'm angry because he's treatment of me is so unfair.  I feel that I should be treasured. I had such dreams of how happy my little family was going to be.  I used to imagine the big family holidays with my grandchildren.  I always thought that we would be loving and affectionate toward each other.  I thought my adult children and I would be friends.  I tried so hard to make sure they were happy.  Why is it okay to make me unhappy?

I had dreams too, and for the most part I live a fairy tale life, but it's inevitable that our kids will not see life through our eyes, and really do we want them to?  It's self destructive to hold a grudge and to continue to long for a vision of the perfect scripted family. 

You and your adult children can be friends, once you have surpassed the need to only fill the role of parent... but as with friends we accept our friends as they are, not how we can change them.  A common mistake that we parents make repeatedly is to give our focus to the one child who is demanding more then his/her share of attention.  Instead of trying to concentrate on my anger/disappointment/heartache, I'm really trying to find the good points in my life.  I tend to spend more time with my child who wants to treat me with an honest respect.  I'm not turning my back on my other child, I'm simply allowing him to life his life as I choose to live mine.

As far as the harder to deal with child goes.. well I figure if I did my best and he still didn't catch on.. let a good dose of reality enlighten him as to how the world handles problems and issues.   

[LaurieS]

My oldest son piped up at a drug awareness program and announced that his mother takes him with her to buy drugs on a regular basis... Eckerd Drug Store

You know I'd probably tell my 25 year old that it was ok to be a dummy if he had a big one....I'd probably even do it at the dinner table.. ahhh but there is a difference between my 25 year old and a child

[themuffin]

My oldest son piped up at a drug awareness program and announced that his mother takes him with her to buy drugs on a regular basis... Eckerd Drug Store

You know I'd probably tell my 25 year old that it was ok to be a dummy if he had a big one....I'd probably even do it at the dinner table.. ahhh but there is a difference between my 25 year old and a child

Thanks Laurie.  That's the first time I laughed in three days!

I am so grateful to have found this support forum.  So good to know that there are others out there.  So many of these stories hit close to home.  I can relate to the pain.  I guess my defense mechanism is to turn the pain to anger.  I know I should let it go and I will.  I'm just going to allow myself a little time to be really upset with him.  I want to remember how I'm feeling right now, so that I don't give him again when he wants to come home. 

He told me that he was never going to come back to our home again.  A part of me wanted to make it sign a contract.

[luise.volta]

Regarding them coming home again...there is always, "NO!" I told my sons that they could never return after they choose to leave...except as an invited, short-term guest. They take on adulthood, they have to learn to work through what comes their way. Trying to return to the past is counterproductive and undermines self-respect. It worked. They have taken the same stance with my grandchildren...and now my great grandchildren. It's a way to learn integrity and to mature in the process. Sensing love...

[LaurieS]

Luise, most returning kids these days are not trying to return to the past... they come back with a awkward since of entitlement... My son's gf moved back in with her parents in Japan, she is paying a small fee for room/board of 500.00 .. just the other day the dog is barking while she was trying to study and she demanded that her mother shut the dog up.. arrogantly stated that this is not what she is paying 500.00 a month for.  Her mother threw the money (probably yen and that would be like a bucket full of  yen) back in her face and told her to take her chopsticks and hit the road (my translation might be off a tad) ...  They got it straightened out but I sure hope the gf learned something.

[themuffin]

   Thanks Laurie...That's twice I laughed today. 

LOL, but that sounds like a decent amount of yen.  We were charding DH (you can decide what that stands for) only $20 a week.  And that was only because he was eating us out of house and home and burning a portable heater while wearing shorts and a tank top. Can you believe they were running the heater in August?!!!  Hello!!!!!...... We are on a budget.

I want to stay strong and not allow him back, but I think I would crumple if he pulled "An Officer and a Gentleman" line on me.  You know the line where he cries he has nowhere to go.