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In Need of Advice From Some Wisewomen

Started by Sun_is_still_shining, April 13, 2011, 06:33:47 AM

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LaurieS

Welcome Sun
What is it with MIL's and their grandchild's first birthdays ... does this like bring out the worse in people? I had 3 brothers and sisters and three kids myself and never do I recall any of the birthdays turning into an adult event.  Sorry you are having to go through this.. pregnancy in itself is stressful enough.

I agree with Tara, if you are not welcome in your mil's home, I think I would not be so willing to allow my child to go over there either... the whole divorce threat, how sad and immature.

Sun_is_still_shining

Thanks Laurie and Tara! I really am starting to feel better about it.. It is sad how crazy a situation like this can drive a person.

Holli - I'm hoping that some clever replies might actually make her see how silly some of things she says and does are. The worse part of it all is that she doesn't even realize that she is mostly getting her way anyway, just not exactly. I couldn't imagine having to deal with a crier. I know I would have a hard time with that being a bit of a softie myself. I wouldn't mind a little bit of crying tho, sneering and sarcassm is all I seem to get from my MIL.. ::)

Luise - Hammer on the nail!

Kennedy - I would have to agree with you on the attention grabber part, but I think it has more to do with my mom than me. She's pretty jealous of my mom and her so called "center stage" roll that she plays in DDs and DHs life (she's very kind and has always tried her best to make MIL and DHs FOO feel comfortable.. I always get the "turn the other cheek hun, it's not worth your stress." ) But my mom makes the effort to be there when we need her and knows when to leave. R-E-S-P-E-C-T  ;)

Tara - I was considering doing some therapy but I don't think it's going to change anything. I just have to change my reaction to MIL. Baffle her brains with Bullshit!

Laurie - We've decided that if that if any of us are unwelcome then no one will be going. MILs control issues are not my problem anymore.

I'm just going to let things roll and hopefully blow over agian (that's how it is usually dealt with in his family) and dump my "I'm a doormat" status. I don't want to cause any issues or hurt feelings but I'm done being treated like poo. It seems like MILs mind is made up no matter what..


Tara

Hi Sun,

all sounds good.  Sounds like you have a compassionate heart (like myself and most of us on this board) and Josh Coleman says
that we need to have a empathy barrier.  I know I take things in too deeply sometimes, when there is crazy making behavior or
accusations.  I'm slowly learning to stay within my own truth and especially to LIGHTEN UP.  Now that is a new one for me.

holliberri

Quote from: Sun_is_still_shining on April 14, 2011, 05:56:06 AM
Holli - I'm hoping that some clever replies might actually make her see how silly some of things she says and does are. The worse part of it all is that she doesn't even realize that she is mostly getting her way anyway, just not exactly. I couldn't imagine having to deal with a crier. I know I would have a hard time with that being a bit of a softie myself. I wouldn't mind a little bit of crying tho, sneering and sarcassm is all I seem to get from my MIL.. ::)

As long as you say them in good spirit and happily...I think they might. My MIL doesn't realize that quite often things work to her advantage, they just might not be as advantageous as she planned.

I'm quite used to sneering and sarcasm...lol. I've developed a thick skin there; perhaps the worst part is that I sometimes have to catch myself doing that very thing. Oops.

Good luck to you! Keep us posted!

Sun_is_still_shining

Thanks lovelies, I've been taking it easy for the last little while and just enjoying the time I have left with my DD and DH as a family of three. I still find myself worrying about the coming of the little one and potiental disaster with MIL. I'm such a worrier! I'm hoping DH comes through this time for me.. *crossing fingers*

courtney


WoW! She's a handful.
I wouldn't expect too much help from your hubby. If he had ever figured out a way to stop her self-centered abuse, it wouldn't be an issue now.
That's how I see it, she's a bully who enjoys abusing others.
I don't think you should waste your time. Don't be mean, vengeful or offensive, just step back. Let her dig her own holes, she'll get tired of it after a while if you stop jumping down in them. She'll just shift to someone else if it doesn't work with you-she's not going to change I don't think.
Like Luise says, spend time around people who like you and value who you are. Especially now with your family growing, your family of almost '4' as a unit is so important. She doesn't even count as anything positive to that unit,  with her attitude.
In my situation with an adult daughter seeming to have no use for me, I used to wonder why. Luise pointed out only she (my daughter) has that answer, and a waste of time for me to wonder what the reason is. And sometimes there is no reason.
I feel better about my daughter's 'lack of a mother' in her life, by telling myself, 'I am only her mother, not her life'. As sad as it is, she functions fine without including me.
Maybe you could say that about your mother in law?. She's not your life. She's only your mother in law. One of many problems to deal with 'in your life', not dwell on. You '4' will function fine, should she oust you out of her circle...and I do mean you 4 !!! You hold your ground on you four as a pkg...heck with her splitting up the pack. 
How dare she think she can order a mother to send her child anywhere. You know best, I hate to tell her..(and you! You need to believe that!
They are your kid(s), do what you think best!)
Honestly, I wouldn't want to deal with a "gramma" that didn't treat my Mama right. Do your kids a favor & don't subject them to hearing her talk badly about you behind your back, because she will...hoping those kids will hear her. She is not a nice person.
Does she even have a care to your condition? No, and that's cruel in itself. Only you can set the boundaries of what you accept as 'healthy' for you in this condition. You could  make it perfectly clear, by ignoring & avoiding it, you will not have needless, hateful drama in your life.
She does try to sabatoge any enjoyment you might have with anything that she's not center stage. Please don't let her.
Someone suggested somewhere here on some thread to treat a person like that, like you would a neighbor 2 doors down...
'What, you're getting a divorce if I don't...   ?"
You could say, "gee, I'm sorry about that. I hope it all works out for you."
You got a heavy load there, but honestly, she's lucky you even still care. Concentrate on you. Sounds like you are worth it.
-Courtney

Sun_is_still_shining

Hello Courtney! I'm sorry to hear about your daughter choosing to not have you in her life. I'm only a young mom and I know that I would have a hard time dealing with either of my DDs (one is yet to be born  ;) axing me. Ah, life is full of so many bumps.. I'm sure I'll have to deal with many more given that I'm only in my early twenties...

As for hubby, well I can see where he's coming from most of the time. I know that his withdrawal from conflict is his defence mechanism. It also puts me into the line of fire. :( There is alot of history in his family of backstabbing, abandonment and a lot of hurt feelings. MIL causes huge problems and then just expects you to take it and that everything should be hunky-dory afterward because she's upset. The "dust" under the rug is like a mountain... I'm pretty sure if you let a bull go in a china store there will be alot of broken glass.. I guess that logic doesn't cross her mind.  I wish I could take the same attitude and just let none of it phase me like he does. I'm thinking it's time for me to change my spots, or at least pretend to. I don't want to be involved with the drama any more.

I think my biggest issue is the lack of respect. DH and I can decide on just about anything and my MIL will always end up upset about something that isn't part of her grand scheme. I guess because SILs let her do whatever she wants she expects the same treatment from us. She is always going on about "this is what family is, we're family, I should be able to do this because we're family, etc." I'm sorry but I don't believe that just because someone is your family, they have the right to do whatever they please.  I would rather have my friends who love and respect me around than a MIL who does whatever she wants because she doesn't give a poop about any one elses feelings or that maybe we have a different way of doign things, which is OKAY!! *sigh* I have a feeling things are never really going to change but I really hope somehow that they do. I just want my boring position on the sideline again..

Another problem is the fact that the rest of the family (3 SILS) "side" with her on everything. I don't even understand how anyone figures that its their business and how the heck are they even effected by it??I'm pretty sure when they were at each others throats a few years ago, I didn't chose sides. It sure can make a family gathering quite unwelcoming. Talk about being put under a microscope.. and trust me there is one there. I was told by MIL that "they" (I'm still not sure who "they" are to be exact.. ) think DH and I aren't social enough at family gatherings and that we don't get around to everyone enough... LIKE WTF?? Who watches people like that?? Can't you just enjoy being together instead of picking people apart??


I'm secretly dreading tomorrow since I suggested that we should visit his parents for the holidays.. kind of like a goodwill gesture I guess. I don't know if it will even happen but argh I can't imagine it going well. I haven't seen her since she strutted into my work and would not even reply hi to me, TWICE, and the whole battle royal over christmas/family talk. I guess it was kind of stupid of me to suggest but I reallly really don't want the "first" time since all the shenanigans to see her to be when the baby arrives. It's going to be a stressful time on its own....