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Hurting Deeply

Started by CynthiaV, April 05, 2011, 06:55:56 PM

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CynthiaV

I have a 23 yr old son who has had a lot of problems since he was around 14 yrs old.  I was married to his father 29 years and finally divorced last June.  My ex-husband left the house and went to my son's home and lived there from April to December.  During that time, I was not allowed to come over to my son's home and see my granddaughter, who was 9 months old at the time.  My son was (and still is) very cruel to me - verbally abusive - and absolutely despises me.  But, he has since he was 14 yrs old.  All the counselors he saw never knew why he hated me, but they knew his anger and hatred was directed only at me and my parents.  I came from a family that had money and my parents gave him anything he ever wanted.  He was the only grandson.  After our divorce was final, his little girl had her first birthday.  I was, at that time, dating a man from Argentina, and my son absolutely hated the guy, even though he never has met him or seen him in person.  He said he hated him because he was hispanic and if I found a "decent white guy", he would allow me back into their lives.  When they sent out invitations to his daughter's birthday party, his wife sent me one.  I was, of course, delighted.  When my son found out, he texted me that I WAS NOT invited to the party and the invitation was sent to me by mistake.  I was crushed.  My daughter and her child went to the party and my ex-husband was there with his new girlfriend.  Hearing this news crushed me.  I couldn't believe it.  The hurt was unimaginable.  At Christmas, my son and his wife (who was expecting their second child in January) invited my daughter and her child over to their home to have Christmas together, along with my ex-husband and the new girlfriend.  He made no attempt to share the holidays with me.  Soon after Christmas, I received a text message stating his wife was in labor and I could come to the hospital if I wished to.  I did go immediately and he was very distant to me.  My ex-husband showed up and he and my son were all "buddies".  I felt alone.  My daughter-in-law also made certain that I knew I really wasn't wanted.  It was hard and awkward.  My son asked if I could come the next day and spend the night with him and his 1 yr old.  I was delighted.  I went, took gifts, and had a wonderful time.  He was cordial to me, but not loving in any way.  I have an odd schedule at work, so on my days off, I would go and be with them, sometimes even spending the night.  In February, I eloped with the man I had been dating.  As soon as my son found out, he immediately cut me off from him and his family.  He won't take my calls, he won't answer text messages, etc.  The pain is unbearable.  I go to counseling twice a month, but the pain and tolerance of the situation has not eased.  I know I have to move on and let go....and I have tried, but it's on my mind constantly and the pain increases.  I pray daily that God will intervene and open my son's eyes to see that he is only hurting himself and his girls by cutting me out of their lives.  My therapist says this is a game to him and I believe her; however, I don't know how much longer I can take this pain.  I'm on antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, etc., but the grief never ends.  Please pray for me.

jill

Hello Cynthia,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, but glad you found WWU.  We all understand how you are feeling as we are going through the same thing with our adult children.  It helps to know you are not alone.  There are many wise women here, please keep posting and vent when you need to.
You should not blame yourself for anything, you were a wonderful mom, and did everything you could for your son.  I know the hurt when you cannot see your grandchildren.   Try to start thinking about yourself instead.  ..........................Jill 

luise.volta

I am rooting for you. Your son is on his own path, making up his own rules and doing his own thing. He will come out of it when he does...if he does. You are the one that needs a life that isn't about him or his family. You  can't but through healing yourself and finding peace within. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

myree

hi welcome to the club, you are not alone we are all in this similar situation . the hardest part is getting to the place where you realise you are worth it your a special and the world wants you here. ;) the pain eases but never goes stay with us .

irenic

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. ~Buddha

I am so sorry for the pain you endure, this place has helped me through so many rough days, days I thought I would
not be able to manage the pain.  It is the strength we get from each other, knowing
that the pain is felt by most of us here. 

I hope that you will think of us each time you feel as if there
is no one that understands, that you are alone,  you are not
we are all here to help raise you up.

lancaster lady

Cynthia .......I feel your pain in every line of your post ......he is blaming you for splitting up the family circle .....that's life and he has to deal with it ! Try not to let him see how much he's hurting you ....why give him that control .You have chosen a new life , enjoy it . It will end his.game when he sees he can't hurt you any more .Dont be so quick to jump when he calls for help either ......It's hard  to feel rejected by your own son ,but he's yanking your chain ,time to unlock the leash .........strength is what's needed ,and you will find it !

Pooh

Welcome Cynthia and please continue to vent here.  You will find great advice and understanding on this forum from women that are going through similiar situations.

I think when people are hurting, they want to blame someone for the hurt they feel.  It's wrong of them, because life is hard, and causes pain without cause many times.  But most people want to blame someone or something.  I think Mother's are easy targets because deep down, they know we will love them, no matter what.  And we will.  But we can love them from afar, without liking them very much.  And we can not allow them to treat us badly and move on in our lives. 

I'm glad you are in counseling and getting help working through this.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

L

Hi Cynthia, so sorry for your pain.  I don't know why but it seems some people just are missing something from their personality called empathy.  :(   I don't know how are kids can be so cruel.  I think some have personality disorders, or they are just plain sadistic and mom is an easy target to direct all their hate towards.  At 23, your son is still young and inmature so maybe he will grow up and act better.   That is horrible that he said something mean about your husband being hispanic.  He obviously has a lot of hate issues.  And I know even you knowing that it's not your fault the way your son is acting doesn't take away the heartbreak you feel because we are moms and we love our kids.  We want to be in their lives and accepted by them.  He sounds jealous that you have moved on with this new man and maybe he blames you for the divorce from his father?  Who knows.  It sounds like you are doing all you can about situation by getting counseling.   I hope you feel better.  Sending hugs and prayers your way  :)   

FAFE

To me it is amazing that our kids (mostly) want us to be happy, but on their terms and conditions.   We are wise women indeed to not bow to that. 

Kennedy

Praying for you and your family. God will be your strength! God Bless!

Pen

Welcome, Cynthia. I know you'll find comfort here.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

justus

It took my DS a while to understand that I wasn't the evil one. We M's have more of an influence than we realize and, hence, we take the blame even when we don't deserve it. Give your DS a break from your influence and favor. Let him experience life without you. It may take a long while for him to come around, but he will.

Don't be desperate. Desperate is never attractive. Be supportive, but don't be needy. Be accepting, but not demanding. Let him know he is welcome in your life if he wants to be in your life, and you love him, your DIL and your GC, but you will not be abused and used in order to have the privilege. Be there for him, but don't fix things for him.

Know that his anger is his problem. Either he will forgive you for whatever he thinks you did, or he won't. But, I encourage you to look honestly at your own behavior and take responsibility for whatever you might have done wrong. This is a painful and difficult thing to do, but it is necessary in order to move  forward. Being the parent of an adult is totally different than being the parent of a child. Forgiveness is not inevitable.

You teach people how to treat you, and an adult child is a whole new ball game, especially after a divorce. Your bag of tricks has to change, and your expectations have to change as well. Your adult child is not obligated to have you in his life in any way. Painful, but true.

If your ex is feeding your DS a bag of lies, those lies will come to light soon enough and things will change. I hope it will be sooner rather than later.