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21 yr old Daughter

Started by ostranlc, April 05, 2011, 10:56:45 am

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ostranlc

So I am just returning from a vistit with my 21 yr old daughter and her husband.   And I am wondering if I will ever have a relationship with her that is not about all the things I did "wrong".   Or if I will forever hear about all the things she believes I did wrong.

A little history....   I found out I was pregnant on my 19th birthday, I had quit high school previously and the father was long gone.   I moved back home with my parents until my daughter was 2 when I was able to get an apartment of our own.   I got my GED while living at home and went to work when she was 4 yrs old.   So yes I was on welfare for a few years.   Since then I have built a career and life for my daughter and I on my own with no financial help from her father and by my choice no finacial help from my parents.  Now this was a rought road and I was very young -- however my daughter always had food, clothes, toys, good daycare and I went without to ensure she didn't feel the burden of my not being prepared for her.   I was married for 2 years during her childhood between the age of 5 and 7 and she hated him.  And honestly is still asking how could I have married someone she didn't like.   After that marriage (where she was not left alone with him ever because she hated him so much) I did not ever bring another man into her life.   I worked instead - and I worked hard to make sure we had everything we needed.  I went from being a high school drop out with a child on welfare to making over six figures.   I drover her and her friends to and from school, her friends were at the house all the time.   I feel like I gave up everything for her and did everything I could to try to keep her happy.  Only to hear how I wasn't there for her and should have went to church so that she would hav ehad a normal child hood.   How can her perception of what happened be so off?  She actually told me how upset she was in this one place we lived because I was ignoring her - and I looked at her and said do you mean the time I hurt my back and couldn't move and your grandma had to come take us to the doctor?  Thiswas 2 hours of her life?   I mean when is she going to start seeing the things I did do for her.  Or is that a lost cause.  I am not pretending to have given up for her - my parents are shocked by her behaivor and think she was spoiled.   This really hurts and I don't know what to do anymore.  I keep hoping she will grow up and see the good in her life but she seems intent on holding on to this.  The way I have handled it to date is to just say I am sorry that your life was not more traditional and I am sorry if I have done anything to hurt you.   But I am getting to the point where I am wanting to say what is it that you want me to do?  I do wish her life and mine had been easier but from the day I found out I was pregnant with her I started changing my life.  I am not a drinker nor do I use drugs -- nor were there men in and out of her life.  Every extra dime I had I spent on her.   She went to college, got a car and had every gadget she asked for.  I have appoligized for what she percieves as issues and I don't tell her it is her perception because I know it is real for her but I mean come on already - can I get a thank you or a I love you already.  Is she ever going to like me? Sorry for the rant I am so hurt and don't know what to do anymore.

AnonymousDIL

Ostranic,

You have done what you can at this point. You apologized. Eventually, she will come around, but it might be a little while.  :-\

My brother and I both have these wypes of issues with our mom. She was a very young mother. She homeschooled us because she wanted the best for us. Both our parents sacrificed a LOT for us. We didn't appreciate it at all. We focused on the negatives-- the lack of socialization, physical and emotional abuse. Then our dad died. He was the greatest. I miss him every day. When he died, I had a hard time dealing with the fact that God allowed him to die instead of my mom. My brother (27) still has resentment issues towards our mom. I just very recently forgave her for all the stuff she put us through.

So, I would hold out hope that your daughter will come around. She is still VERY young. (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

LaurieS

Stop apologizing, she does not hear it, does not accept it and certainly does not deserve it.  Leave her to herself and when she is ready to approach you in a mature manner then you'll be there and hopefully the next phase of your life will begin...

Pooh

I agree.  No more apologies.  You have acknowledged her perceptions of her life, now it's on her.  It's amazing what children perceive as a "bad" childhood compared to kids that really had a "bad" childhood.  Hopefully, she will grow up and realize she has been very wrong.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

After going off to third world countries my son now calls and flips between ... I'm sorry and Thank You

Pooh

Maybe we need ship all our difficult adult children off to a third world country for a while.  They just might come back with a different perspective too.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Rose799

Count me in!!!   Where do we line up?  : )

LaurieS

:) at the military recruiting center

Pooh

It's still funny how people can be different.  Me and brother both raised with not alot of money.  I have an appreciation for things now as an adult.  He just keeps striving for wealth.  We were raised with the same love, same values and morals, given the same opportunities.  Makes you wonder what else plays into it.  Genes?  Calcium level? Outside influences?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

My husband and I are right handed but 2 of my 3 kids are left handed... I've come to the conclusion that even if I knew why I probably would not fully understand it.

jill

Dear Ostranic,
Welcome to WWU, many of us here are going through these difficulties with adult children.  I know how you feel, you give your life for your children, and they treat you like dirt.  You have been  a wonderful mom, and done your best, and there is no reason to blame yourself.  It sounds like you have not had an easy life, and you should congratulate yourself for doing so well. I do not know what it is with young women today (my daughters are a lot older than yours),  and I am not saying they are all the same, but it is like my odd is not happy unless she is pulling me apart, and if there is no reason she will make one up. 
Keep posting, you will get lots of perspectives and advice.....Jill

Pen

Welcome, Ostanic. It is a difficult thing, for sure. You did the very best you could, more than many parents with less challenges. I hope your DD comes around soon.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

No answers out there that we can find. No predictions about the future...all that is available is turning into another direction and practicing self nurturing. We can't change others...they often don't even make sense...but we can change direction...and in the process....change ourselves. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

myree

April 05, 2011, 09:22:34 pm #13 Last Edit: April 05, 2011, 09:33:23 pm by luise.volta
As the ww sisters of mine wrote YES stop apoligizing . jeez when are these kids going to stop using my childhood was rotten card against us! its their excuse to behave like they do today blame mum dad blame the past . im sick of this most of these kids dont know hardship! wow im thinking so many parents in poor developing countries are going to have problems if our kids tell us they had it tough. sending xxxxxxxxxx excuse my passion in this post i just get frustrated.