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"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Adult Children

Started by girl 9000, April 04, 2011, 08:08:49 pm

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girl 9000

I am new to this site.  I came because like to many others, my is heart broken over adult children who treat me and my husband so badly. Both his 3 children from a previous marriage and mine. We have been married for 20 years.  What is destrubing is the number of posts I see here.  Where did our realtionships with our children begin to go so wrong. Some how my husband has bought into the guilt trip his children brandish, over his divorce from their mother.  They were married 25 years and the children were all grown when they divorced. The children show so little or no repect for him. They lie to him about every little thing.  Blame their mother as the reason they can't visit him.  Their mother wouldn't like it. I don't believe anyone can wheel that much power over another adult. I believe it is just an excuse they use against him.  One in particular, a step daughter, his only daughter.  She has no compunction about going behind his back to subvert his relationship with her siblings, his grandchildren, his brothers & sister, cousins, whom ever she can, she will make an attempt to undermine his name in the family. My one daughter has not been in touch with me for 18 months.  I beleive we both did right by our children.  We tried to provide moral guidance, disipline when necessary, financial support, were involved in all their activites etc.  I don't think they lacked for anything growing up.  Our families were sound then.  Neither of our divorces happend until the children were grown. Yet they treat us very badly. It is embrassing, when our friends see how we are treated. 


You've come the the right place. Many of us have fought our way through all of the things you describe. There are no "Whys." Some adult children choose that path. It's crushing and yes, embarrassing until we get that it isn't about us. It's about them...even though we don't understand it, we can get them and when we do a burden lifts. Hang in there and start rebuilding your life. That's where peace lies. You were whole before you became parents. You can be again. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

Hello again 9000:

Just read your other topic . I think you should just get on with your own life , you and your husband .
Maybe your respective families think that you have moved on , and so you should .
They know where you are if needed .
Offspring like to believe in happy families , however life isn't like that , they have to deal with it .


Welcome girl9000, and so sorry to hear how the adult children are treating both of you.  Like Luise said, I wish someone could answer all those questions for us, but there are no answers.

We try hard not to make assumptions here, but based on what you said that the children are saying the Mother would not like it, may not be an excuse.  Who knows what she is saying to them when they are with her.  She may be laying a guilt trip or something on them to make them feel bad about having a relationship with your DH.  No, people shouldn't have that much power, but sometimes they do.  Yes, the children should be standing up to her if this is happening and telling her that they are going to have that relationship, but some people don't have the strength to do that when it comes to their Mother or Father.

We all know what people "should" be doing, but until they decide what they "should" be doing, it is useless for us to dwell on it.  Concentrate on your DH and like Luise said, we were people before we were parents.  Big hugs.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I have known several adult children...even in their 50's...who are under their mother or father's thumb.  They are still using the excuse "mother wouldn't like it," till they're old and gray.  It may not be an excuse.  That really does happen if parents become manipulative enough.

Until then, live your life with your husband and enjoy your time together.  They have to make their own choices in life and live with the consequences.


  I am so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this...

  Painful as I know it is, I agree with the others, sometimes it's best to not to endlessly wonder "why" and get on with your own life with your husband and your own interests.