Help...I do not know what to do.

[AnonymousDIL]

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RE: one-on-one time with the GK's.

My red flag would go up if someone INSISTED on alone-time with my child.  If someone even insinuated that the time they spent with my child, when I was there "didn't count" because they were not ALONE with my child, they would never be allowed to be ALONE with my child.  Because, what are you going to do when you're alone with my child, that you can't do when I'm there?

This is not what happened in this post, I know that, it's just that the first (or second) person who responded mentioned something about requesting "alone time with the sweet little baby" and I wanted to make sure that GoldenMom knew that this might not go over well.

When my SIL eventually has a baby, I would LOVE to have "alone" time with DN. Maybe babysit for the weekend or something (especially when they are a little older). I would never insist on it. For me it isn't a matter of "what am I going to d that I wouldn't do if parent were present" like I'd do something bad, but the parent watching me like a hawk makes me overly nervous. Like, am I holding the kid right, are they going to cry, if they cry am I being "bad." It just makes me overly self-concious.

[LaurieS]

Yes I agree insisting on alone time with a infant would be odd at best and I would be concerned about a request such as that.. not to say that I would not leave my child alone with someone, but the demands would not bode well.

When I'm with my entire family we have fun, it's good... but it would have been so unfair of me to say to my dh's family that this is the only time that they would get to visit and learn to know their grandchildren.  With us this problem has been ongoing, and will only become more irritating after the baby is born... these people are not my family, I am not at the same comfort level with them as I am with my ds/dil alone.  It's not a matter of disliking them, it's once again feeling like we are being force fed her extended family one appendage at a time.  Meanwhile her family has an entirely different set of boundaries..oh wait they have no boundaries, they are welcome to come and go and intervene in ds/dil daily lives at will.  But it's often explained that this other set of parents/grandparents cherish and love their time with ds/dil/ and soon to be child combo. Why.. because as my son has informed us.. family is important to his wife. 

Scoop if your mother was coming for a visit, I just can't see you being thrilled about your mil showing up at the same exact time. 

[overwhelmed123]

I sure as heck wouldn't like it.  In fact, I DIDN'T like it when I had my ILs trying to cram themselves down my throat and get my parents to join them in one big happy family tradition for every holiday so they didn't have to cope with time apart from my DH.  I was all about spending time separately with each family.  I believe that is a reasonable request no matter the source.  My parents didn't even "dislike" my ILs, they just came from two totally different worlds and it was awkward. 

[Pen]

"Family is important to his wife." We know how that feels because family is important to us too!

I think in my case DIL's FOO doesn't see us as humans who are capable of having feelings and emotions. We aren't thought of the same. I'm not sure if it's from their desire to be the only ones in DIL & DS's lives or from a real predjudice against us. Doesn't matter, I guess...it hurts all the same.

Laurie, we started being set up for non-GP status right after the wedding. Hints were given...DS claims he won't allow it, but he won't cause WW III over it either, I suspect.

[overwhelmed123]

Family is important to her...what a cop out.  That would make me so mad.

[holliberri]

"Family is important to his wife." We know how that feels because family is important to us too!

I think in my case DIL's FOO doesn't see us as humans who are capable of having feelings and emotions. We aren't thought of the same. I'm not sure if it's from their desire to be the only ones in DIL & DS's lives or from a real predjudice against us. Doesn't matter, I guess...it hurts all the same.

Which is why I think a correction as to the facts is more than warranted. Don't let her say/imply things about you and your family that are on their face a lie.

1.) Her behavior  may change after you mention that family is just as important to you. OR
2.) She will have to come up a better reason than that.

You might as well let her creative juices flow. There are certain things, in my mind, that you just don't say. And, "Family is important to her" is one of them.

It's a shoddy argument.

[LaurieS]

It's a matter of basic respect... when my son was being deployed the first time.. her parents went to visit the kids two  weeks before the deployment date.. they stayed for almost a week.. had a good fun visit.  With only days left before he deployment we had arrangements to see our ds.. he had not seen his brother or sister in a while, it was actually set up so the kids could spend an evening together, then we were coming up the next day to spent time with all three kids, and my dil.. Then here they come.. the time the kids had alone turned into her family event with ds/brother and sister being drug along doing what her family wanted to do with the day.... still not good enough they wanted to also be with  us the following day, that was when I blew a cork. 

I seem to have enough respect for dil's family to not invade their week long visit with the kids.. I have enough respect for my ds/dil's marriage not to be there when she says her final goodbyes as he is heading out the door and their first real separation. I have enough respect not to be there when he arrives back home... So why is it that my dil and her family have NO respect for our family or our love for our son. 

[overwhelmed123]

Pen, I agree with holli- if she is saying something to imply you feel a certain way (or don't feel a certain way) and it isn't true- you are doing nothing wrong by correcting that assumption.  I sure would. 

[lancaster lady]

Before my GD was born I would never have imagined that I wouldn't be involved with her life
as we all got on so well ...how wrong was I !!
Before the Gk's come along , I think a gentle reminder to your own DS /DD that you would like to be
involved with your Gk's life . this is not a demand in any way , just a reminder that you are there .
We don't want to be pushy GP's , but neither do we want to left on the back burner .
Mr F/DIL reminded me that I couldn't possibly hope to have a mother/daughter relationship with her .
however , I pointed out that I still would like a relationship with my own GD .
They are still part of us , regardless of which sibling , son or daughter , had them .

I hope they now realise that I'm not going to disappear , nor sit  quietly in a corner , but neither
do I rant and rave about seeing my GD. at the moment I see her once every three weeks at their
invitation . They only live 20 miles away . I have looked after her once on my own , she is now 14 months and that was for two hours . We can't insist that we see them but a request surely
can't harm or worry anyone . 

[Pooh]

Pen, I agree with holli- if she is saying something to imply you feel a certain way (or don't feel a certain way) and it isn't true- you are doing nothing wrong by correcting that assumption.  I sure would.

I agree with both Holli and OW.  Is it worse to walk on eggshells, worried about every little thing you say or do, to be insulted and degraded, to be made to feel like a person you are not,  than to chance losing the ability to see DS?

That's the question each person has to ask themselves.  I took door number 2, because door number 1 wasn't a relationship, it was a dictatorship. 

[AnonymousDIL]

1.) Her behavior  may change after you mention that family is just as important to you. OR
2.) She will have to come up a better reason than that.

Woah! My MIL plays the "Family is important to me card." I told her that MY family is JUST as important to me which is why we can't make it to all the get together or give her both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.... She didn't change, it made her more *bleep* about the situation than she had been before.

[holliberri]

But, ADil, at least you made your point and your feelings heard. Sometimes that, in itself, goes a long way.

[LaurieS]

But did you say it in English or Klingon'ish

[AnonymousDIL]

But did you say it in English or Klingon'ish

Oh, Hu'tegh! I must've said it in Klingon. No wonder she doesn't understand me.... LOL

[lancaster lady]

Christmas 2010 was the worst I've ever encountered .
My GD first one , presents wrapped , extra twinkly lights inside and out , waiting to see the wonder on
the little one's face ......never happened !
F/DIL spent all the Christmas Holidays with her FOO and my docile DS in tow ! Plus New Year's too ..
this is what brought all the tension to a head , and according to my Doc , my heart problem !
So please think on when doling out precious time with the GP's , we're only human .