Help...I do not know what to do.

[FAFE]

I don't understand why anyone would question the GP's wanting to be along with their gc.  We love having the baby to ourselves.  And, when we do - the parents have brought her to us while they are spending a little time to themselves.  They call US and ask if they can bring her by while they have a meal together, do a little shopping, etc.  We spoil her rotten (a grandparent's thing, don't you know) and then send her home!

[holliberri]

After the weekend I've had, I have serious reservations about leaving DD alone with MIL. I have no idea what I'll feel when the time comes...but MIL and FIL are going to be up for an entire week before DD's birthday.

I will be working, and FIL and DH are working on the house then. I'm not sure what MIL thinks will be going on, but I'm not willing to pull DD out of daycare when I pay $277 a week just so she can have the benefit of alone time with DD. I don't get a refund for days DD isn't at daycare, and since I'll be the one up with her  all night (as I always am when MIL is around) I don't need her schedule and routine thrown off while I have to work and attend school. That sounds like one, sleepless miserable week to me, and I'm planning a birthday party on top of that.

I don't let my mother pull DD out of daycare either, so I think I'm being fair in that respect. My mom does babysit for a few hours at a time when I need her to; and I would love if I could trust MIL enough to respect DD's needs so I could enjoy a nice dinner or shopping with DH, but she isn't cognizant of DD's needs when I'm around. I can't imagine what will happen when I'm not.

I think some (I do imagine MOST, but I'll just say some) GPs are quite capable of watching GKs without totally traumatizing them. My MIL on the other hand...I'm not so sure. It would make my life very easy if I could trust her enough to watch DD, but I don't.

[holliberri]

But, I am also one that wants my FOO to stay very far, far away when the ILs come. I never thought the ILs would have been comfortably with my FOO hovering or hanging around. I expect that they'll see one another at the birthday party and that's it, unless DH's renovation is SO big that he needs 3 people and not 2...then I guess my dad will be around, but that's it.

[overwhelmed123]

I'd like some clarification on what you mean by alone time- do you mean alone time with your son, DIL, and the GC?  Or do you mean without anyone else except GC?  If you meant the first one, I think you should ask for it next time you are planning to visit.  But make sure not to say anything REMOTELY close to, "well they get to see her alone all the time and we don't."  Don't compare yourselves to the other grandparents at ALL.  That is going to annoy them.  Just simply say you were wondering if the 5 (?) of you could have a day together when you come to visit.  Ask your son, not your DIL.  If he does ask about DIL's family, tell him you have enjoyed the time spent with them, you would just love to spend some "one on one" time with them this trip.  If you don't ask, you'll never know.  I think as long as you're not making comparisons, your son won't get bent out of shape about it. 

But if you were talking about having time alone with just your GC and no one else...yeah, I'd stay clear away from that one.  They will ask you when they are ready. 

I also wouldn't take offense that they don't drive 150 miles to see you with a 2 month old in tow.  Give it some time.  They are still adjusting.

GL!

[Pooh]

I took it as she meant, alone time without the FOO, not alone time with the baby.  That's totally different.  I don't expect alone time with a GC unless the parent's are ok with it.  Parents have different beliefs on that, and it is their choice.  I left my children alone with GPs, but I was ok with that.  I didn't like my MIL, but I never worried about leaving the children with her.  But parents have different opinions on overnights, or leaving their children with people.  That's ok.  That's a parenting choice.

I took it as she was talking about always having the FOO around when they visited. 

[overwhelmed123]

I figured that was what she meant too, so that's what my reply centered around...but I think different people are interpreting it differently, so I wanted to be sure.

[holliberri]

I  think a few posters are interpreting it to mean alone time with GKs.

But, I really don't think her FOO should be around ALL the time, if at all when you are there. Maybe for dinner or something one night, but that's it. It's uncomfortable enough having to deal with one IL, let alone the IL and all of their family.

Although, I do love all of DHs extended family, but I suppose that's a DIL perspective, not a MIL perspective...that was a family I married into, so it was easy for me to regard them as a package deal.

But, I am also one that has been told that my family has made the ILs feel very unwelcome when they visit due to their scarcity. I suppose by that account, I should feel unwelcome by my own family...I see them just as much with the ILs up as I do when the ILs aren't visiting. You just can't win sometimes; some people will find problems with everything.

[Pooh]

Yes, and we are all dealing with different people, so what works for one, may not work for the rest.  I love all my DH's extended family too Holli, and I knew it was a package deal when I married DH, including the two crazy cousins.  Luckily, he loves mine too, including the two crazy aunts.  My parents like everyone on his side and visa verse.  So no issues to get them all together, or when we visit seperately. 

[LaurieS]

Scoop.. let's toss that shoe onto the other foot... if every time your mother came to see you, your husband, and grandchild, would it be right for dh to have his mom there the entire time as well?  In my opinion there is a reason extended families are called just that.. extended family.  I had little desire to spend my every moment with my ds/dil and her whole family.... Now I flat out dread it and almost refuse to take part in these types of activities and there are a multitude of reasons.  Add a baby to the mix, when I visit the kids and their little one, that is who I'd like to visit and see a a family unit... even if her family was the greatest most wonderful.. I would still be there to enjoy my son/dil/baby, not everyone else included.

The original poster was stating that the 'other' grandparents visit on a regular basis.. no one is constantly invading their time with their daughter and her family... especially if the other set of gp's are traveling a good distance, someone in this group of adults should say to themselves.. hey wouldn't it be nice if we could back off a little and let the other gps get to know their child as a husband and father. 

My dil relishes and is protective of the time she spends with 'her' family... not once have we EVER been invited outside the wedding to participate in any of their families activities.. not even the birthday celebration that they held for my son... to be honest that is fine, I really have no desire to go to her parents home. Yet, in the last 2 years I can not recall a time when they did not attempt to invade our time with our ds/dil.  My  son once used the excuse "you need to understand Mom, family is important to her" No... her family is important to her.  And like with Pooh, her family's behavior is odd and borderline rude.. thank goodness she has a normal sister(just had to toss that in).

So yes when my grandchild is born, I would at some point like to visit with my son and his wife and get to know their new child without the odd relations being involved.  No red flags need to fly, this isn't an odd request..

[Pen]

Goldenmom, I have almost the identical sitch, although no GC yet. It hurts. My DS has been absorbed by a shiny new family and we feel like an old car with faded paint and a couple of dings. We might remember golden times when the car was new but now it's an eyesore, and people who never got to ride in it when it was hot off the showroom floor see it as an old, worthless wreck. DIL's FOO sees no value in us past spawning DS.

Why is it that  we moms of sons are usually the ones who have to shut up about the inequality in time spent with our DS/DIL/GC, walk on eggshells, wait for our special time, etc? When is it the DIL's FOO's turn to be last? I put up with it silently because I'm not ready to be cut off, but there are times I want to point out how terribly unfair and deeply painful it is.

As Laurie said, put the shoe (or the bald tire, continuing with the old car analogy) on the other foot (wheel.) If DS's FOO was always around, wouldn't it be weird? They gave the splashy grad party/birthday for DS to which we were not invited. It's going to be worse when GC arrive. My friends love being grandparents. I'm not looking forward to it; isn't that sad? 

[LaurieS]

It is sad Pen and exactly where I'm at.. my dil is pregnant with her first, this will be ours and her parents first grandchild and there is a large part of the joy being overshadowed by what is coming down the pike... The week before their big announcement I had talked to my son and not so joking said that I will be known as Grandma Who.   It's coming.. I was crying in a pm to Holli  just yesterday about how it's already being set up.. how I feel that my dil took something that I said and twisted it in order to make me the bad guy thus closing the gate in our face and trying to show my son that only her parents will love and care about this child. So unnecessary

[luise.volta]

And so calculatingly cruel. Sendding love...

[lancaster lady]

Can you please tell me why as adults and parents , we continue to put up with the treatment
that is doled out to us by our own kids or in law kids ?
No respect whatsoever in most cases .
Yet when they were children , we wouldn't have stood for that treatment for a second !
What makes us become like this ?
as I read these posts of parents and grandparents with breaking hearts , it makes me mad !
We let them ride rough shod over us time after time with out a word from us in remand .

Sorry to rant ...but there are too many decent people here suffering needlessly .
mostly from our offspring that we have lovingly brought up the best we can , to be discarded
like an old rag that they no longer need !


now all you nice DIL , please don't take any offense at this old biddy , but I needed to say that ..

[holliberri]

I put up with it silently because I'm not ready to be cut off, but there are times I want to point out how terribly unfair and deeply painful it is.

Pen, I still think you should point it out too. DIL said to you that the holidays aren't as important to you as they are to her family--a corerction of that perception MIGHT help, it might not. But, at least she would know where you stand, and she wouldn't need to continue insulting your intelligence by saying things like that anymore.

Have you explained to her that they are just as important, but you aren't willing to coerce/push/force her into visits? If she is going to leave herself wide open like that, I'd be itching to give her an explanation.

I don't really believe she thinks they are more important to her family, but if she's going to continue repeating it, you might as well set her straight about that. I don't think you would chide/whine/yell or overreact to it. You could very nicely, very matter of factly get your point across.

[Scoop]

Shoe on the other foot - okay!

Whenever we're invited to my DB's house, my SIL's P's and sometimes her sibs are invited too.  I like my SIL's family and I don't mind seeing EVERYONE.  I usually manage to find time to chit-chat with my DB & the DN's.

Whenever we go to my IL's, my SIL & her family spend time with us.  Often, SIL's IL's will be at her house, if it's a celebratory supper.  I have no problem with that.  I like her IL's (better than my own).

Whenever I go "home" to visit my best friend, we try and all get together, so I never see "just" my best friend, it's always a group of friends, DH's & kids.  It's fun.

My DD's birthday falls on a major holiday, for her first 3 birthdays, the IL's stayed at our house for the weekend and my parents stayed at my brothers.  We spent a LOT of time together, but my parents got along with my IL's, and it was actually EASIER for me, because Mom served as a buffer. 

And even then, my parents would eventually leave, and they weren't there at the crack of dawn, so my DH got to spend time alone with his parents.  I think we need more information, because if GoldenMom and her DH were staying at DS's house, and DIL's P's weren't there from sun up to sun down, then yes, they did get time alone with the little family.

I know that the situation is different when the 2 sets of IL's don't get along.  An uncomfortable weekend is not fun.  But if that were the case, don't you think GoldenMom would have complained about her DIL's P's being mean/rude/whatever? And not just about "not spending alone time with the little family"?  I'm just pointing that out, because we can all interpret things differently, and that's how I interpreted her post.

I would also like to point out that the baby is 2 months old.  That's a small time frame to make a judgment call.

To GoldenMom - how often have you visited in these 2 months?  And were there any family-type celebrations (birthdays, anniversaries, ect) that could justify both families being there?

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RE: one-on-one time with the GK's.

My red flag would go up if someone INSISTED on alone-time with my child.  If someone even insinuated that the time they spent with my child, when I was there "didn't count" because they were not ALONE with my child, they would never be allowed to be ALONE with my child.  Because, what are you going to do when you're alone with my child, that you can't do when I'm there?

This is not what happened in this post, I know that, it's just that the first (or second) person who responded mentioned something about requesting "alone time with the sweet little baby" and I wanted to make sure that GoldenMom knew that this might not go over well.