Playing Favorites/Another birthday question

[lancaster lady]

Laurie ;

Have you scheduled a visit since that last response ?
This is how it works always against us MIL , had you said ...Oh I will be there on the same day you have the baby , can't wait !
The response would have been .. Oh can you give us a couple of days etc .....
I think it's a power thing , whatever we suggest will be the wrong thing . They have to assume the superiority status
from day one .......and we wait for the crumbs !!
Hope things work out for you , at least you know all the pitfalls from this forum ..

[LaurieS]

No I did not... I told her that the only thing that I set in stone in my life right now is I will be at Old Faithful Lodge on Aug 25th.. that's it.. the rest of it I'm rolling with.   We are tentatively scheduled to come through their area the beginning of Sept.. I said depending on what is going on, we could just stop for a quick hello and dinner, we could stay over night.. if my son has a project going on we could stay for a couple of days to help out... Between friends here.. I really don't care if I visit more then dinner or not.   I heard her take a deep  breath and she said .. but if you are coming through here on the tail end of your vacation.. and I'm due the 13th, just when will you see the baby.  Once again I calmly explained that when the baby decides to get here and we see how he/she is doing, and how the mom and dad are doing will dictate when we will plan a visit.  Once again, her mom plans on being there for an 'extended' stay.. her dad/sister, grandparents/ great grandmother, cousin and her two kids are all planning on seeing the baby almost immediately.... I will not be there with the herd... this grandchild is not going to disappear after it's first week of life.. I don't need to 'see' it being delivered to love the child... I'm just a little more laid back then that... I thought that would have been appreciated .. lol.. wrong

[elsieshaye]

Pooh - my son had two or three parties for every occasion for a long time since the divorce.  One with his father and me (this was usually the kid party for his friends as well), one with my parents (since they couldn't stand my ex and I didn't want them in the same room), and one with the ex's family (who could never get to town for the b-day itself, so it might be up to a couple months later).  Ditto for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter and...  He loved it, and now is a little bummed that he only has a birthday-day, not a birthday-week-or-more.

[overwhelmed123]

Just hearing all those people who plan on being there when the baby is delivered makes me want to have an anxiety attack.  I could not handle that.

[Pooh]

Pooh - my son had two or three parties for every occasion for a long time since the divorce.  One with his father and me (this was usually the kid party for his friends as well), one with my parents (since they couldn't stand my ex and I didn't want them in the same room), and one with the ex's family (who could never get to town for the b-day itself, so it might be up to a couple months later).  Ditto for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter and...  He loved it, and now is a little bummed that he only has a birthday-day, not a birthday-week-or-more.

Had all those too elsie.  My kids were the same, thought it was great.  It was exhausting but worth it to have happy get-togethers.

[Pooh]

And it just hit me...I guess that's why when MIL wanted to have things for the boys too, I didn't sweat it.  I was so used to having multiple things anyway...it wasn't much different for me.

[LaurieS]

Just hearing all those people who plan on being there when the baby is delivered makes me want to have an anxiety attack.  I could not handle that.

I sure wouldn't, couldn't and didn't.. everything in her life is like that, is this like the princess mentality? I really do not know, but I think it's odd that everyone is suppose to stand around, while she is on display.  But that is where I had set one of my boundaries... We do not do her family any more lol.. We  do not like how we are made to feel, we do not like being judged .. .since they can not judge us financially as in Pen's case.. my dil's parents look at us like we have no emotional attachment to our kids.  It was easier for us to say.. ahhh nope, not working, not doing it.. so sorry.. so sad.  I just get the feeling and I could be very wrong, but my dil seems more upset with us since she had the timing/control removed.. it's not that we won't see the baby, but it's that we won't see him/her when dil says we should.

But really, as a dil... this is what I would have wanted to hear.. no pressure... we'll play it by ear... if  you need me I can be in the car and there in less then 12 hours.. if not enjoy your FOO, I'll not interfere. 

[Pooh]

That's cause you are removing all her playing pieces from the game board.......UNO!

[Kennedy]

Laurie,
Is this your first Grandchild?

Also what did you mean about her family looking as if you have no emotional attachment to your kids? is it because y'all refuse to be ordered around by your children?

It's true whats being said , Many DIL's (not all) are going to be upset no matter if you wait or if your in the waiting room? Its a guessing game so many times. And I hate games!!

[Kennedy]

I also meant to say that many (not all) MIL's like to play those games too.
Like I said before, I hate games and that may be what keeps me in trouble?

[overwhelmed123]

I read you loud and clear, Kennedy- I hate games, too.  I know that is what gets me into trouble a lot in life.  But I know I appreciate honesty all the time- even if it I don't agree with it.  There are some women out there that I just do not get.

[Kennedy]

I read you loud and clear, Kennedy- I hate games, too.  I know that is what gets me into trouble a lot in life.  But I know I appreciate honesty all the time- even if it I don't agree with it.  There are some women out there that I just do not get.

I so agree with that last line! I'm not trying to say to be so honest as to every tiny detail in life that would needlessly hurt others feelings. But about the main core in our lives I do.
I believe in being polite at all times and I can paint a smile on my face if need be like anyone else. But these silly mind games that some play with in their families..Well like you, I just don't get it! And I don't like it! I've called a few of my family members out on it too. The running "joke" if you can call it that? Is don't ask Kennedy what she thinks unless you really want her honest opinion. Because she will be HONEST! LOL

[lancaster lady]

My ole Dad used to say ''Honesty is the best Policy ''
Maybe not brutally honest , but I hate hidden agendas , no eggshells in this family now !
Folk may sulk for a while , but they usually come out of it , aye the truth hurts sometime .....lol

[justus]

Laurie, your DIL reminds me of SD and it is a princess complex. She was the only child until DH married me when she was 14, and she was the first GC on both sides for three years. Another GC who lived in a different part of the country was born a couple of years later and another one wasn't born for another 15 years. The adult relatives all competed for her attention and love. She was the center of their world and she could do no wrong.

Enter me into the picture and it took her several years to learn that when she said "Jump" she would be waiting a long, long time for me to jump. She went from in control and the center of the world to being just another kid in the house. She would literally walk into the room talking and expect everyone to shut up because what she had to say was so much more important. After the first couple of times when I had to pull jaw out of my lap because of how rude it was and how DH just accepted it, I refused to stop talking. The first time, she talked louder than me, but I ignored her and when she threw a fit, I told her exactly how rude it was to do what she was doing. She had no idea what to do with someone who expected her to be a decent person and I don't think DH realized how much of a spoiled brat she was. Part of it was the age, but a lot of it was her.

She was totally loyal to those relatives who had spoiled her and still spoiled her. They kissed her behind, gave her what she wanted when she wanted it, and made her the center of their world when they saw her. Me and my kids, well, even though we got her through some rough times when those other relatives were no where in site, we weren't important. They showed up for the picture worthy events, I spent time in the hospital at her bedside.

When she had GC, she went stupid. All of her issues showed themselves, and she has lots of issues. It was like she didn't have any control over her stupidity. She took statements out of context just like your DIL and had no sense of who was important. Even though me and my kids did so much for her when GC was born, there are pictures of none of us with GC until she was 6 months old. There are tons of pictures with friends who SD never talked to again, and of family she has since CO, but there are none of us. DD wasn't even allowed to hold her, and she wouldn't bring her to our house because it was too "filthy." I am not the best housekeeper, but we are not filthy by any means. After GC was 6 months old DS, who refused to leave the hospital during the birth because SD almost died, wasn't ever allowed to hold her or to see her when GD was an infant. SD did some really horrible things that she now feels very guilty about and realizes were totally wrong.

She did come around when GC was about 6 months old and we all developed a wonderful relationship with GD. DD became THE Aunt and one of the few people SD trusted to babysit. When DS came home to visit when GD was a year old, SD came to see him even though she was very sick so he could see GD and GD who used to be very shy around new people took to him like a duck to water.

SD moved about a year and a half ago to be with those relatives she was loyal to and one of them hurt GD in a bad way. Those relatives are blowing it of and acting like SD is overreacting. Now SD regrets moving, regrets leaving her "real" family behind, regrets moving away from those people who loved them and who they could count on. Now, at 26, she gets it. There is hope. Sometimes the Princess grows up.

[LaurieS]

Laurie,
Is this your first Grandchild?

Also what did you mean about her family looking as if you have no emotional attachment to your kids? is it because y'all refuse to be ordered around by your children?

Yes, Kennedy this will be our first grandchild, as well has her parents first ... I believe a halo showed on the ultrasound   You asked about the emotional attachment or lack of... I have come to realize that for some reason, dil's foo seems to think that we are not close to our son... I believe it is due to the fact that we do not follow him around and insert our faces into his every memory.... We instead stepped back and let him enjoy college/military and so on with love and support from us but not a constant  intrusion into his adult life. 

When we  have been ambushed with her family we have declined invitations for events and visits... I'm sure my dil has painted us with a pretty negative brush when speaking with her FOO... Only parents who do not love their kids would back out of a trip at the last minute, is most likely how we are being presented.   What made me realize that our love for our children was on the judgment table  was when my son was sitting in a chair.. I was standing behind it and had my hands on his shoulders.. my DIL's father looked at my hands then looked at me.. I just thought that was odd.. I think I was asking my son if he wanted something to drink or whatever when I slid my hands down his chest and kissed him on top of the head... both her parents stopped and looked at us.. they looked at me like I had invaded his private space.. and they looked at my son as if they were expecting a negative reaction.  They were obviously surprised that my son and I were comfortably interacting and had a normal parent/child relationship.

What this stems from I'm not positive.. I know my son would never be gushy about his parents, but how many guys are?  I'm equally certain that he would never imply to anyone that we did not love him.. he may say that his sister is spoiled and gets more.. that I could see him saying.. but he would not have denounced our love and pride that we have for him.