Playing Favorites/Another birthday question

[Pooh]

I don't think that's old fashioned.  I think that's just a personal choice and certainly a parent's right to decide.  Things like that never bothered me.  Now when my Ex-MIL wanted to put a chicken wire fence up in my front yard.....yep....that was an issue. 

[LaurieS]

my fil just asked me to put plywood over our pool as a safety measure

[Pen]

Were DH's parents invited to your party before they made their plans for the holiday party? Did they know ahead of time?

[misunderstood]

I agree with Laurie a lunch or dinner out with family members yes, a full scale party no. As parents its nice to plan and organise DC parties how they would like them, its on of our expressions of love for them.  If GP or anyone else was constantly trying to one-up us it sets a precedent that that person can do bigger and better and nothing that you do will end up good enough in later years.

[LaurieS]

yep sometimes when you allow it once.. it automatically becomes a tradition

[Pooh]

I take my parents to eat at Outback.  My brother takes them to 5 star, personal chef, type expensive places.  Do I worry that  my DM/DF think that I love them less because he spends more and takes them to fancier places?  No. 

[LaurieS]

I was making reference to a child, not my parents.  I encourage my parents to eat all that rich wonderful food on my brothers dime.. because  when here, it's Mexican fo sur

[Pooh]

I know...but to me it's the same thing.  I never worried about MIL one-upping me, because I knew she was going to.  That was just her.  She also spent more at Christmas on my children, than I did.  She would buy them name brand clothes when they were teenagers, while I bought things that were on sale. 

The point I was making, in my own experiences was that I had boundaries with a difficult MIL, but I did let up on some things to be able to get along.

[LaurieS]

Like in any relationship/friendship I think there is a lot of give and take... it does seem at times that we have a lot less tolerance for family then we do for total strangers

[Pooh]

We do.  I am guilty of it too.  I was just thinking, after something on another thread, that I tolerate my crazy Aunt that drives us all bonkers, because I know she is that way and I guess I grew up just knowing she was weird and pretty much ignoring her antics.  But yet, I wouldn't tolerate as well the exact same personality in my DH's family.  I would tolerate it, but probably not as well.

[luise.volta]

Good point!

[LaurieS]

good example of that is my dil  when it was said:

No, I do not want to schedule a visit yet to see the new baby, there are so many variables, and you may not feel up to having company 3 days or when ever after your due date (assuming the baby is punctual)

From friend she would hear... wow how sweet, she is going to give me some breathing room and to make sure that everyone is ok and ready for visitors, she is respecting us as new parents how wonderful

From me she heard:  No I don't care about your baby, or the fact that my son will be a father, I'll get there when I get there.

And this is how problems start

[pam1]

Laurie, that is exactly what I'm worried about.  It's not just one-upping me that bothers me (although it does and it's pretty much every holiday that it's done) but it's my parents that I'm worried about.  I'm not sure that they would care, but I'm afraid of the message it sends DD.  We already combat quite a bit with the in laws and the one-upping concerning DD and others that she notices, I guess I'm just not willing to go there over a birthday party.

And yes, if given free reign it will be insane. 

Pen, DH actually called MIL to invite them....3 months early lol.  And that is when he was told that this holiday was already planned to take place on this day.  If he hadn't called, we would probably wouldn't ever have been told of the holiday party until a few days/week before that it had been moved to a different date than the actual holiday.  In fact, this is really unusual that the date was even moved but what the favorites want and all.

Just feels like we are between a rock and hard place.  I want to keep relations smooth and don't really want to go back to a cut off or time out.  Just want a harmonious relationship.  If they don't get to come (which is what it'll be, it won't be something simple as conflicting plans) and I don't reschedule another party for them at the same place/outing and they don't get to have a something better...ugh..this is when the fireworks start.

Ugh.  But thank you all, I needed some validation to see that I'm not so out there with this.  We are just going to have to hold strong.  I did already think a lunch with them would be a good compromise but I can tell you from personal experience it won't be enough. 

[luise.volta]

"You're booked? Well, darn! We were hoping you could make the birthday party. We're going to miss you!"

[Pooh]

Hee hee, I like that response Luise...but I would follow it with Officer Click.  That's what we call it when we hang up quickly.

I see what all of you are saying about not giving them a license to do it every year.  I didn't have to deal with that, as it was just a couple of times and they came to ours the other times.  But your also talking to the girl that had two birthday parties, every year, for each son.  One that my DM/SD and MIL/FIL were invited to, and another one that my BD/SM (biological Dad..lol) were invited to.  Yep, would have one party at 1:00 on Saturday, and a second at 5:00.  I wasn't asked to do it, I did it out of respect for my Mother because I knew she didn't want to be in the same room with my BD.  The boys used to tell everyone that they were very special because they got two birthday cakes and parties every year.