My weekend... Good for a laugh

[Pen]

If my future inlaws were horrid I wouldn't marry in. I might date awhile, live with the guy to see how it went, maybe even accept a proposal, but I would not marry in if it got weird. If I chose to marry in I would have to shut up about them. I don't think cutting a DS off from his FOO is a legitimate survival mechanism. I didn't think that as a DIL with hateful ILs, and I don't think that now as a MIL with an unaccepting DIL.

MILs don't have a choice about poor treatment from a DIL. We did not say yes to anything.

[holliberri]

DH isn't someone worth walking away from over his parents. I'd spend the rest of my life regretting not having married him for all the times in between.

Like, his mom might bawl/drive me crazy/toss passive aggressive comments in my direction, but she's not around all the time, and her behavior doesn't always impact my marriage. Just when she wants it to, and when I let HER feelings get the best of me. And, as I've said before, the military and life got in the way: DH and I were married a lot sooner than either of us planned and I had barely met his parents. All circumstances are different. I would've preferred to live with DH first, but that was impossible. I tried, I couldn't get a work visa, or permission to go overseas without a marriage license.

I wouldn't have missed the last 7 years for IL trouble, Who else would accidently drain  my transmission fluid when he was working really hard to change the oil in my car? Or make sure that the flowers he gets me are watered b/c I forget sometimes? Or when I complain about my lips being chapped, HOURS later he runs into a store and without my asking, hands me a freshly bought stick of chapstick. That's the stuff that makes his mom worth it, but I'm still entitled to vent.

I see ADil's ILs divorce as a whole lot of crazy, but separate from her marriage from her DH. 

[overwhelmed123]

I don't think cutting someone off from their FOO is acceptable either, Pen, but if someone decides that for themselves, there isn't much to be done. 

I guess I'll just have to agree to disagree.  I don't see any reason good enough to miss out on the opportunity of a life long love because he has a family of crazies if he, himself, isn't crazy.  To each his own. 

I agree with you- MILs did not say "yes" to anything, but I didn't marry my DH for his family, either.  I married him for him and only him.  The family situation can either add to it or subtract from it, but I didn't marry the whole family, so in that sense, I didn't say "yes" to my ILs poor treatment either. 

[AnonymousDIL]

I know where you are coming from, Pen. I know my situation is very different. So for me it wasn't a "red flag" to run or anything.MIL would be treating anyone (except DH's lting cheating (ironic) ex-girlfriend) that DH chose to marry this way. Was he to never marry because his mommy didn't know how to let go?

I agree cutting off the IL's is a cop-out. It is an "easy fix." I pretty much loathe my MIL/SIL, but I will not make the choice of cutting them off. However, if THEY choose to do that, I'm not going to stop them either lol

It is so unfortunate when people just can't get along, for whatever the reason is. Life is too short.

[overwhelmed123]

You got that right, ADIL.  Life is too short, and people forget that when they know they are actively hurting others and don't seem to care.  Life is so short, do you really want your time on this earth spent hurting people and leaving them with that pain?

[Pen]

Men need to deal with their FOO issues before proposing marriage. I would run like the wind if a BF was still tied to his mommy. It would only bring misery to be the one blamed for taking him away.

In my situation I feel it was dishonorable for DIL to pretend she liked us, planning all along to make her FOO the main event.

[overwhelmed123]

In my situation, my DH tackled the FOO issues before he proposed marriage as well.  There was only so much he could do though, he couldn't force them into adapting in a healthy way.  In no way was he still tied to his mom, but she sure was still tied to him and no matter what he said she was determined to keep her end of the cord in tact.

It was absolutely dishonorable and dishonest of your DIL to pretend she liked you if she was planning on acting a different way once the ring was on her finger.  But, if I were the spouse of someone like that, I'd have a major problem and that would not fly with me- nor would I expect it to fly with my DH.

[LaurieS]

The unfortunate thing is when someone does such an about face and you feel that this was their intention from the beginning, you would almost view your son's marriage as being based on lies.  If she would do this to the parents of the man that she professes to love, then who wouldn't she do this to?

[holliberri]

And of course, there is always a new day, new issue. First it was the wedding, then it was holidays, then it was religion, and now it's a baby. We tackle one (DH has done his fair share), but MIL is good at dreaming up new schemes. We just aren't imaginative enough. I'm also beginning to thing that if we tackle and tackle, we get worn out. The only one left standing is MIL. The issue isn't so much that DH is tied to Mommy, it's that  MIL would like him to be.

Pen, I think we're all in agreement here about your DIL.

And, I'm hardpressed to think of one set of parents/ILs that are perfect. I'm still working on issues with my parents, and my GPs for that matter. I'm the second generation to be working on them. I think we'd be spouseless/childless forever if I waited for that day to happen.

[AnonymousDIL]

Pen, I LOVE that you used the word "dishonorable." It is very Klingon of you.

I know for me. I wasn't faking it about liking my IL's BEFORE the proposal. My MIL didn't really do anything bad before that point. Now I just deal with it when I must see her because I told her why I feel the way I do and was just called disrespectful. I don't know why she feels that way. She didn't give any examples of my "disrespectful" behavior. But the ball is in her court. She knows that to be a part of our lives she is not going to get her way all the time, but she won't budge. Oh well,...

Kaplah! (That's Klingon for Hello and Goodbye). 

[LaurieS]

Pen, I LOVE that you used the word "dishonorable." It is very Klingon of you.
Kaplah! (That's Klingon for Hello and Goodbye). 

I'm lost.. is this like Star Trek?  Weren't the Klingon's the pointed head people with tumorous growths on their forehead?

[holliberri]

ADil. Whaaa???

[overwhelmed123]

And of course, there is always a new day, new issue. First it was the wedding, then it was holidays, then it was religion, and now it's a baby. We tackle one (DH has done his fair share), but MIL is good at dreaming up new schemes. We just aren't imaginative enough. I'm also beginning to thing that if we tackle and tackle, we get worn out. The only one left standing is MIL. The issue isn't so much that DH is tied to Mommy, it's that  MIL would like him to be.

I feel you on that one, holli.  There's only so much for a man to do before marrying...they have the rest of your lives to come up with more "stuff" to throw at you.  I would have felt awful for judging him based on his family.  And you are right...we'd all be spouseless!!

[overwhelmed123]

Ohhhh ADIL's a trekkie!!!

[AnonymousDIL]

Pen, I LOVE that you used the word "dishonorable." It is very Klingon of you.
Kaplah! (That's Klingon for Hello and Goodbye). 

I'm lost.. is this like Star Trek?  Weren't the Klingon's the pointed head people with tumorous growths on their forehead?

Yep.... Don't make me attack you with a Bat'leth though. lol