Tears, tears, tears, tears, tears.

[Kennedy]

I LOVE the idea about the RV!! And "L" what you said about "class" is just PERFECT too!

[L]

Thanks Kennedy!  I HATE when people act snobby and like they are better than others.  My brother is a big snob and I have no desire whatsoever to be around him because he just acts like he's so much better.  It's really sad because I would love my son to have him as an uncle but my brother does not attempt to be a good uncle anyway so it's really sad.  My brother always brags about his trips afar, etc.    He is a big drinker too and inmature.

Seasage, one thing I notice is you keep blaming the DIL completely and it's obvious she is a total pain, but your son is an adult now and if he just lets her treat you like that and does nothing then he is just as much to blame.  He could even go stay with you WITHOUT his wife if she refuses to visit you and your "small house" to show her he isn't going to  let her push you out of his life.  I just think you are closing your eyes possibly to HIS part in this whole treating you and your husband badly.  Does he not have a will of his own?  Hopefully, he didn't just marry her for her parents money.  My snobby brother married a girl with "family money".  He makes a lot of it on his own too, he is a very hard worker and extremely bright, but he would not have married a girl who say works in retail or something!     Very snobby!!!!!!!!!!!   Good luck.       
     

[L]

Seasage, one more thing.  I did not exactly LOVE my MIL as she was a strange little lady, but I would have NEVER in a million years told my husband she could not come stay one night with us in our home.  (you mentioned you DIL forbid you to stay overnight at their house) And my husband would have kicked my butt to the curb if I did!  My whole point again, your DS needs to have the guts to stand up to her!  That's really unfortunate.  Hope your son learns to stand up to her.

[seasage]

Seasage, one thing I notice is you keep blaming the DIL completely and it's obvious she is a total pain, but your son is an adult now and if he just lets her treat you like that and does nothing then he is just as much to blame.  He could even go stay with you WITHOUT his wife if she refuses to visit you and your "small house" to show her he isn't going to  let her push you out of his life.  I just think you are closing your eyes possibly to HIS part in this whole treating you and your husband badly.  Does he not have a will of his own?  Hopefully, he didn't just marry her for her parents money.  My snobby brother married a girl with "family money".  He makes a lot of it on his own too, he is a very hard worker and extremely bright, but he would not have married a girl who say works in retail or something!     Very snobby!!!!!!!!!!!   Good luck.       
   

L,

I agree that DS in an enabler.  He is always trying to shield DIL from whatever problems she sees in her life.  I don't think her parents money had anything to do with his love for her.  He has always been drawn to girls who are psychologically damaged (oh, how I hate to hear myself voice those words), little girls who seem to need his help and his protection.

DS does come home without DIL.  He came last October for a visit and he will be back here again in June.  He doesn't come for the big holidays because those are all reserved for DIL and her FOO.

[lancaster lady]

Seasage :

you know what ??
I wouldn't entertain anyone who refused to let me into their own home !! The fact that this person is your DIL , I find
that despicable !! How can your own DS permit this to go on ??
The fact that she won't come to your house would suit me , I can tell you , as she wouldn't be welcome anyway !
she is treating you like a second class citizen , that you are not good enough to enter her home .
Maybe if you entered the back door wearing an apron , she would let you in .!!!
Sorry , heck would freeze over before I would let her into my house .

[Pen]

Here's how DS can allow it to go on:

DIL was sweetness personified until after the wedding when she announced to DS that she and her FOO hated us, not for anything we'd done but for who we were (ie: not rich.) DS was incensed, stood up to her and to her FOO. When he came to us, angry and hurt, we told him he had to work it out with DIL since she was priority #1 now.

My DS honors his marriage vows & I'm proud that he does. What that means to DH & me is that we don't see him often now since DIL doesn't want to spend time with us. We've never been invited to their home, and when they are here DIL complains about everything. DS is in a bind; he loves his wife and he loves us, but he's got to deal with her 24/7.

That's how it continues, not because DS is a bad guy but because he's a good, honorable one.

[1Glitterati]

Glitter, 
Of course this is about not being able to be with us for 24 hours.  Now my son knows that we always have a car available for him and DIL to hop into and get away.  Always!!!  So the complaint doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

BUT - I also need to tell you that the two of them are perfectly capable of spending a week at a time with DIL's FOO in one or another house or resort place.  They do this at least three times a year.  And DIL's FOO is welcome in their house --- which by the way has EXACTLY the same problem as ours: it is all one big open space with bedrooms off an upstairs balcony.

However, you should also be aware of the fact that DH and I are NOT welcome to stay with DS and DIL.  And that is DIL's choice.  We were once invited by DS to spend one night there, but DIL said no, not over my dead body, I will leave if they come.

So now I ask you Glitter, is this about "not being able to spend 24/7 in a house with other people without a break", or is this about DIL not wanting to be with us?

Given that information...it does sound like she doesn't want to spend time at your house.

Frankly...my interpretation after reading your post is that she doesn't want to spend time in your house period.   And, I don't see that there is a resolution for that.

[1Glitterati]

Seasage, one more thing.  I did not exactly LOVE my MIL as she was a strange little lady, but I would have NEVER in a million years told my husband she could not come stay one night with us in our home.  (you mentioned you DIL forbid you to stay overnight at their house) And my husband would have kicked my butt to the curb if I did!  My whole point again, your DS needs to have the guts to stand up to her!  That's really unfortunate.  Hope your son learns to stand up to her.

Oh, I would.  I would totally tell my husband I wasn't comfortable with someone staying in my house---whoever it was.  And, he can do the same to me.

My home is my sanctuary...and I hope it is for him, too.  It's not allowed to be breached by someone one of us doesn't want here.

I'll suck it up and compromise and sometimes do things I don't want to do like go to their house or have them here for a lunch or dinner...but staying over-night my home is a FIRM line in the sand.

Not.  Happening.

[luise.volta]

This seems so complex to me. Some persoanlities have to be factored in (or out) but we can also be really different when it comes to ranging all the way from "Ya'll come" to not being able to share living space for long. I don't stay with anyone and no one stays with me and that is even my own son...both ways. I just don't do well around the energy fields of others for too long, no latter who they are.

[Pen]

I understand a person whose personality doesn't abide visitors; my DH is that way. Hurt feelings happen when one FOO is OK but the other isn't. DH is an equal opportunity visitor disliker.

[luise.volta]

Me, too! No one is the exception and everyone writes me off as weird, I'm sure...but they resepect it.

[LaurieS]

I love having company.. my husband, not so much but that's only because I make him help me clean or mow before company comes over ... I think I invite people over at times just to get him to help me get things done.

[luise.volta]

  Really subtle! 

[LaurieS]

Hey after 32 years.. you do what  works

[misunderstood]

I personally don't stay in anyones home that I don't know well.  My MIL was offended when we wouldn't stay with her in her house despite the fact that they didn't have room for the three of us and his brother and sister especially because at the time we were only engaged and would've needed 2 rooms, 1 for dd and I, and one for DF.  We spent lots of time together but I was not made to feel welcome, even if their house was big enough to stay until I am able to relax around them.  I couldn't help myself to a drink or a snack for DD, nor retire to bed or to our room if it all got too much, their rules, everyone gets up and goes to bed at same time.  It has nothing to do with money, just the atmosphere.  We stayed in a hotel, which meant we had some time to ourselves in the evening and the morning of the next day.

The rest of the time we were at MIL beck and call.  No consideration of mine or DD needs, ie fresh air, having to sit down immediately following 4 and 1/2 hour journey being told its rude not to have a hot drink when offered, even though at home I mostly drink water.
We do occasionally stay with other friends but only if all three of us feel comfortable, we all have a right to veto.  Its not a personal slight to MIL just a recognition that we all need our space.

I hope that eventually with time we all will feel comfortable with MIL, and that your DIL will feel comfortable too.  If its solely a money issue that is tacky, but DS forcing her to stay with you won't help the atmosphere in your home or DIL get to know you better.  Not visiting you at all is horrid, and not acceptable, but if she is willing to visit but not stay and can do so in a pleasant manner try not to be upset.