Tears, tears, tears, tears, tears.

[seasage]

I think I just need to rant and get a little support.  The tears are starting to flow.  Just received an email from DS where he told me that my home (where he grew up) is not adequate for DIL.  It doesn't have enough room for him and DIL to get away from the family.  They need to visit us in a bigger house, someplace where either they can get away from our family and read, decompress, or they need to be able to go to a restaurant or park to get away from the family.  (OK, yes, we do live in the boondocks.)

What the blitz is happening here?  I don't really understand it all right now, because the tears are starting to flow.  I thought DS was slowly coming back and as you all know, I was beginning to feel that things were starting to go well.  I could even envision a visit from both DS and DIL.

But now I have been informed that what I have, where I live, is not good enough.  Dear WW friends, I know that my DS did not say this with anything but love and care in his email.  He loves his DW, and he loves us, and he is trying to tell us what will satisfy DIL. 

I can't possible compete with the wealth of DIL's mother!!   Private executive jets, private getaways, private trips to big castles in Europe, private who-knows-what!

So my DS is being sucked into this world.  He is not standing on his own as I thought. 

Tears, tears, tears.  NO!!!  I will NOT submit to those tears.  I am worth more than this!!!

Love you everyone.  It is very comforting to have a place to go when this happens.

[Pen]

Seasage, a person of high breeding and stature would never do anything to make anyone feel less than or inadequate. I have wealthy, royal relatives who have been nothing but gracious about visiting us in our little place in the boonies. Your DIL and her FOO are obviously nouveau riche and from a low class. If they aren't, they are certainly behaving atrociously.

I have a similar issue with my DIL, but on a much smaller scale (no private jets or castles yet.) It hurts incredibly to know I cannot compete financially and that that is all that matters. Do you suppose our DILs are looking for any excuse to wean our DSs away from their FOOs? Perhaps the money thing is just a big old excuse. If we had their wealth they'd come up with something else.

{{{hugs}}} Take care, Seasage. I'll be thinking of you today.

[lancaster lady]

Seasage:

Pen is right ....I too have friends who are millionaires , but they also have breeding  and manners !!
Manners maketh  man ! not a zillion dollars .!
How sad for you , and how maddening ! Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by his humiliating  email .
She forgets that your little abode bred and brought up her DH . I hope in this economic climate her family
never lose their wealth , because they surely would die of shame !!
You are worth a million of these people Pen , and your DS knows that in his heart .
Have faith in your upbringing of him , it will win out in the end .

[holliberri]

One thing that baffles me about these women that come from wealthy families...if you have a problem associating/spending time with/enjoying the company of those less well off than you...how do you marry a person from such a background?

I'm very sorry, Seasage. That is terrible to hear, and I can't imagine how hurt you must be. My family is not as wealthy as my ILs, but they do live in the boonies and I much enjoy the time at their house b/c it gives me a chance to get away from all of the stress living in a more metropolitan area brings. That IS decompression for me (if MIL would let me be); and I would think it would be for even most rich people.

Private VIP things even have their pitfalls, I wish your DIL could recognize that.

I refuse to believe your DS doesn't recognize that, and I only hope that he reads the e-mail that was sent and sees how trivial all that stuff about "bigger house/parks/restaurants" really are.

I think I'd be crying to. The only solution you have for her problem is to move while at the same time upgrading....I think Pen is right when she said it would be something else; she just threw the impossible out there. Classy.

[seasage]

Seasage, a person of high breeding and stature would never do anything to make anyone feel less than or inadequate. I have wealthy, royal relatives who have been nothing but gracious about visiting us in our little place in the boonies. Your DIL and her FOO are obviously nouveau riche and from a low class. If they aren't, they are certainly behaving atrociously.

I have a similar issue with my DIL, but on a much smaller scale (no private jets or castles yet.) It hurts incredibly to know I cannot compete financially and that that is all that matters. Do you suppose our DILs are looking for any excuse to wean our DSs away from their FOOs? Perhaps the money thing is just a big old excuse. If we had their wealth they'd come up with something else.

{{{hugs}}} Take care, Seasage. I'll be thinking of you today.

Thanks, Pen.  I think I'd like to visit your little place in the boonies.  As for mine, wish you were here.  The pond finally melted today, and we could sit beside it, listening to the frogs and drinking the local wine.

[seasage]

One thing that baffles me about these women that come from wealthy families...if you have a problem associating/spending time with/enjoying the company of those less well off than you...how do you marry a person from such a background?

I'm very sorry, Seasage. That is terrible to hear, and I can't imagine how hurt you must be. My family is not as wealthy as my ILs, but they do live in the boonies and I much enjoy the time at their house b/c it gives me a chance to get away from all of the stress living in a more metropolitan area brings. That IS decompression for me (if MIL would let me be); and I would think it would be for even most rich people.

Private VIP things even have their pitfalls, I wish your DIL could recognize that.

I refuse to believe your DS doesn't recognize that, and I only hope that he reads the e-mail that was sent and sees how trivial all that stuff about "bigger house/parks/restaurants" really are.

I think I'd be crying to. The only solution you have for her problem is to move while at the same time upgrading....I think Pen is right when she said it would be something else; she just threw the impossible out there. Classy.

Holli, as for how could DIL marry someone from such a background as ours?  Believe me, her family did everything they could to discourage it.  Trouble was that my DS is really smart, really classy, and most likely one of the biggest catches of the year, in spite of his pauvre beginnings.

And Holli, just in case the MIL/DIL exchange ever takes place, I am putting you first on my dance card!

[Pen]

Sounds great! I wish I could be there too. Our local wine comes in a box with a spigot, LOL. Actually, there are a couple of wineries near here that are coming along, but I don't think many of the locals are connoisseurs.

Holli, I wonder about that myself. Seasage and I should be proud that we raised men who could travel in many social milieus despite their bumpkin pedigrees, LOL. I myself can't fathom how to properly use all them there fancy forks n' spoons n' such. Give me my huntin' knife and a corner of a flour sack and I'm set. Bring on the vittles.

[seasage]

Seasage:

Pen is right ....I too have friends who are millionaires , but they also have breeding  and manners !!
Manners maketh  man ! not a zillion dollars .!
How sad for you , and how maddening ! Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by his humiliating  email .
She forgets that your little abode bred and brought up her DH . I hope in this economic climate her family
never lose their wealth , because they surely would die of shame !!
You are worth a million of these people Pen , and your DS knows that in his heart .
Have faith in your upbringing of him , it will win out in the end .

LL, funny thing is that I think we have more breeding and manners than DIL's FOO.  They seem to have a lot of internal problems -- judging from the stories I hear.

I think that all I want to do is preserve the relationships between my kids.  I want them to remain friends.  (They all are now, except that both DDs and younger DS all think my DIL is a real pill.) 

Eh, it will work out.  Right now I am thinking I am really glad that my house isn't good enough for DIL.  At least I don't have to deal with her on my turf.  I hope that doesn't sound mean or cynical, because I don't feel that way in my heart.  Maybe I just want all this to go away.

[seasage]

Sounds great! I wish I could be there too. Our local wine comes in a box with a spigot, LOL. Actually, there are a couple of wineries near here that are coming along, but I don't think many of the locals are connoisseurs.

Holli, I wonder about that myself. Seasage and I should be proud that we raised men who could travel in many social milieus despite their bumpkin pedigrees, LOL. I myself can't fathom how to properly use all them there fancy forks n' spoons n' such. Give me my huntin' knife and a corner of a flour sack and I'm set. Bring on the vittles.

Ha!  I actually know how to use all those forks, and how to set the table for any kind of royal fete.  When I was a teenager I used to spend hours reading etiquette books that were full of that kind of thing.  Of course, I have not had many occasions to practice.

As for hunting knives:  our boon dock is overrun by deer.  I am willing to buy a gun, take some training, and start shooting.  BUT.  The thought of skinning the thing afterwards is daunting.

[holliberri]

I myself can't fathom how to properly use all them there fancy forks n' spoons n' such. Give me my huntin' knife and a corner of a flour sack and I'm set. Bring on the vittles.

This made me LOL!

I mean, really? The scary part about that rich is better mentality is that there is ALWAYS someone richer than you. That's not a competition I'm interesting in entering with anyone b/c I'd run the risk of someone treating me the same for my own meager wealth (even if my wealth was millions). That attitude just wouldn't get you very far in the long run. I do think both of your DSs have the strength and patience to talk some/more sense into these ladies, even if it takes a long time.

Seasage, you missed our WWU trip we were *planning* yesterday or the day before...we just might get that exchange someday!

With an attitude like that, I wouldn't want DIL at my house either. Who needs that stress? It doesn't sound mean or cynical; it just sounds like you're dealing with an impossible situation.

[Pen]

Guys, I don't have a hunting knife or flour sacks. You knew I was kidding, right? DIL has treated us like Ma and Pa Kettle, though.

[seasage]

Guys, I don't have a hunting knife or flour sacks. You knew I was kidding, right? DIL has treated us like Ma and Pa Kettle, though.

Yeah, I kinda knew it.  I am left as the only real hillbilly, the true nose-pickin' country bumpkin among us. 

But you know what?  I am incredibly rich.  I have the luxury of being able to worry about whether DIL finds my accommodations comfortable enough.  I can even cry about not being loved by her.  Just think: what if I had to cry about not being able to feed or clothe my children? 

That's what makes me RICH!  I can eat, feed strangers, and love my children.  I have enough free time to read lots of books.  I can sit by the pond in the evening and listen to tree frogs.  The wine I drink is a few notches above vin plonk. 

All the rest in just noise.  I love you all WWU!  Thank you for being here.

[holliberri]

Yes! I knew you were kidding! It just drives home the point of how silly it is to be treated like that.

I know it's mean of me to say, but on the next visit I'd be tempted to whip out an actual hunting knife and flour sacks and tell DIL that I was only trying to live up to her "expectations of us." Everytime she gets persnickety about my humble abode, I'd start talking about having to draw the well water for a bath that night or something. I know that could never feasibly happen, and you're a lot nicer than I am, but I can still dream!

How sheltered the both of them must be, in all actuality. I guess money doesn't give you access to everything after all.

And yes, Seasage, you're right, I think ALL of us are rich here.

[jill]

Dear Seasage,
What a sad situation.  To say that the home he grew up in is not good enough is just disgusting.  People who are used to having money do not talk about it, it is those who suddenly have money who talk about what they have bought, where they have gone etc.  You sound like a much nicer lady than  your dil. 
One thing though, your post shows that even when we think we are mending the rift something happens.  Maybe when something like this has happened, we really cannot trust our children again.  ................Jill

[LaurieS]

The pond finally melted today, and we could sit beside it, listening to the frogs and drinking the local wine.

Just to be able to sit on the side of the pond listening to the frogs, this  is what most of us live for, I know I do.  Don't ever believe that what you have is not good enough for your dil or anyone else for that matter. 

I agree that if it wasn't the size of the house  or it's proximity to town.. it would be the color of the room or god forbid the wild hair on your chin   Your dil is grasping, I hope your son comes to see that one day, before he never gets to enjoy the sound of the croaking frogs again.