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Required to spend too much time with DHs family...

Started by NotChattyCathy, March 30, 2011, 07:41:27 AM

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overwhelmed123

Quote from: Pooh on March 31, 2011, 06:09:45 AM
I hate when people say "you owe me".  It is one of my pet peeves.  The only people "I owe" are the people that I enter a contract with.  So to me, that's my mortgage, electric, car, insurance, etc.  And my DH...Lol.  I entered a marriage contract with him, so I do "owe" fidelity, loyalty, etc.  Other than that, if you do me a favor because you want to, I don't owe you.  And when I do one for you, you don't owe me.   

I do understand looking at the numbers, when something is not working out and you need back-up or a reality check.  I am a fact person.  I was referring to when a MIL says what Holli was saying, or says "You have to give me 10 weekends." 

And yes, take the titles out.  What would any of us say if our DH/BF/SO said, "You HAVE to have sex 5 times a week, or I'm going to throw a fit and treat you like crap?"

And before anyone answers, remember Luise's forum policies on curse words!  Lol.  ;D

Pooh, once again, I feel the exact same way :)  That is one of my pet peeves as well.  My DH actually was raised to think he owed someone if they did him a "favor."  Even at work- he is in sales and he'd say the warehouse guys did a good job putting his customer's order together and shipping it quickly so he needed to buy them a case of beer.  I'm like...that's their job, isn't it?  Why do you owe them?  "Well they did me a favor." Everytime they got his order together in a timely fashion.  I asked him if he does people favors so that he can get something in return.  He said, "no."  So I said, well normally nobody else does either...and if they do, well they shouldn't get anything in return for that, LOL!

I also know, as a person, I wouldn't ever WANT someone to spend time with me because they felt like they were obligated or pinned down to it.  I want someone to hang out with me because they enjoy it and they want to, not because it's one tick off of their list of required days.

And I would tell my DH good luck with that...LOL.  See how that works out for ya! ;)

Pooh

Oh, it looks like it is going to be one of those days with me.....Sorry!

And another thing that bugs me....Lol.  And this is not geared at anyone here in particular, but more at just women in general.  This will require honesty on everyone's part.  My honesty is that I totally did this with my first marriage.  It kind of falls in line with the questions here about how did DIL change so drastically after the wedding or getting a ring.  Women are notorious for seeing all the good in a man, and then looking at what we perceive as their flaws, or something we don't like and thinking, "I can change that later."

I said in an earlier post, that my DH's family gets together every month or two for birthday celebrations.  Well, I knew that before I married him.  I went while we were dating.  I also knew that he likes spending time with his family.  I knew he talked to his Mother on the phone.  Now, although once we were married, I did expect that I would become his priority, meaning if it came down between a birthday celebration and driving me to the hospital, well he better choose correctly.  But I know his expectations included that I understood his family was important.  I didn't go to all of them with him while we were dating, then after we got married start complaining about going.  That would not be fair to him at all.  That would be my fault.

I'm not talking about the MILS/DILS here that get treated badly by the family.  I'm referring to the fact that I think some women go along with things while dating, with the mindset they will change it later. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Hah!  I think it went the opposite with me, he went along with dating me and would change me later.  Or I'd come around and see the light.  lol.  I can honestly say I wasn't out to change DH, the only thing I really noticed was that he was quite rude to his parents and I would mention that.  I understood later
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: Pooh on March 31, 2011, 08:01:34 AM
I said in an earlier post, that my DH's family gets together every month or two for birthday celebrations.  Well, I knew that before I married him.  I went while we were dating.  I also knew that he likes spending time with his family.  I knew he talked to his Mother on the phone.  Now, although once we were married, I did expect that I would become his priority, meaning if it came down between a birthday celebration and driving me to the hospital, well he better choose correctly.  But I know his expectations included that I understood his family was important.  I didn't go to all of them with him while we were dating, then after we got married start complaining about going.  That would not be fair to him at all.  That would be my fault.

I'm not talking about the MILS/DILS here that get treated badly by the family.  I'm referring to the fact that I think some women go along with things while dating, with the mindset they will change it later.

Guilty here! lol ... I definitely expected that once we got married we would SHARE the holidays instead of his family getting them all. This has been a tough one for MIL to swallow. I hope that she handles it well.

But from what I heard she pestered the you-know-what out of DH to get an answer for his brother's B-day party. He didn't answer her right away because he wanted to make sure with me that we didn't have plans (Good DH). Poor guy she sent him 5-6 text messages plus some from his sister. He replied as soon as he talked to me that night. He wasn't happy.  :-\

overwhelmed123

Pooh, I hope you weren't referring to me saying my DH was raised to think that he owes people for favors.  :(  I didn't wait till we were engaged or married to voice my concerns... :(

holliberri

You know, my entire courtship was spent away from the ILs, so I don't think I knew or had any idea what the expectations were.

DH tells me how miserable he was before he met me; he lived at home with his parents for 25 years and went to the movies every Friday and Saturday with them, not his friends, not some girl, not even a blind date that his mom fixed him up on . She was quite content with this arrangement; she always talks about how nice it was and how much she misses it; yet she doesn't acknowledge the toll it took on him.

I know that was his habit, but I never got the impression that was something he wanted to do; I would think that would have to change at some point...and I do wonder if it's the reason he found a wife at all is because he was away from home. And, even though he didn't want me bailing on Saturday and Sunday with them this weekend, when I suggested we go down Friday, he  had no intentions of doing that. So, I think in order for DH to have a wife at all, his habits would've needed to change, particularly when he wasn't happy with the arrangment he was living.

I know I'm comparing apples and oranges here; but I do wish that MIL would see that  her relationship with him prior to our dating probably wasn't healthy. I know DH wants to spend time with his family, but the amount that is asked of us isn't comfortable for him either.

Pooh

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on March 31, 2011, 08:25:42 AM
Pooh, I hope you weren't referring to me saying my DH was raised to think that he owes people for favors.  :(  I didn't wait till we were engaged or married to voice my concerns... :(

Lol, no.  I wasn't referring to you or anyone here in particular.  More to the in general status of why I think that some DILS (the ones the MILs here are having problems with) go from being nice to a family, then change after marriage.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

And let me say this better.  I was totally guilty of that in my first marriage.  I knew he was irresponsible (Oh, as he matures..that will get better).  I knew he was selfish (Oh, as we start having children he will learn life doesn't revolve around him).  I knew he switched jobs every few months (Oh, just wait til he finds one he likes.  Then he will stick with it.)  I knew he drank too much (Oh, we are young.  As we get older, he will not do that).

*Raises hand high!  Yep, I did that.....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

overwhelmed123

I doubt there is a person in this world who ISN'T guilty of that at one point in time or another.  At least you were thinking positive?  :)

overwhelmed123

Quote from: holliberri on March 31, 2011, 08:34:26 AM
DH tells me how miserable he was before he met me; he lived at home with his parents for 25 years and went to the movies every Friday and Saturday with them, not his friends, not some girl, not even a blind date that his mom fixed him up on . She was quite content with this arrangement; she always talks about how nice it was and how much she misses it; yet she doesn't acknowledge the toll it took on him.

I know that was his habit, but I never got the impression that was something he wanted to do; I would think that would have to change at some point...and I do wonder if it's the reason he found a wife at all is because he was away from home. And, even though he didn't want me bailing on Saturday and Sunday with them this weekend, when I suggested we go down Friday, he  had no intentions of doing that. So, I think in order for DH to have a wife at all, his habits would've needed to change, particularly when he wasn't happy with the arrangment he was living.

I know I'm comparing apples and oranges here; but I do wish that MIL would see that  her relationship with him prior to our dating probably wasn't healthy. I know DH wants to spend time with his family, but the amount that is asked of us isn't comfortable for him either.

That sounds very similar to my situation, HB.  DH severely unhappy and depressed before he met me.  He had absolutely no self confidence whatsoever.  He evolved after he met me just because it was part of the "process" of "growing up" and growing into a healthy, real adult relationship.  Just that in itself magnified the unhealthy relationship he allowed his mother to have, I didn't even have to say anything to him.  It presented itself.

holliberri

Confidence. DH uses that word about himself all the time. He said he simply asked me out b/c he finally had confidence that he never had before. I guess military training will do that to you.

I'm glad that I'm his one and only, but man, when I'm fair and unbiased about it, I imagine he missed plenty of good opportunities to date; 24 is kind of late.

Confidence definitely helped my DH grow up.

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: holliberri on March 31, 2011, 10:31:58 AM
Confidence. DH uses that word about himself all the time. He said he simply asked me out b/c he finally had confidence that he never had before. I guess military training will do that to you.

I'm glad that I'm his one and only, but man, when I'm fair and unbiased about it, I imagine he missed plenty of good opportunities to date; 24 is kind of late.

Confidence definitely helped my DH grow up.

24! Wow, I thought I started dating late. I was 21 when I went on my first date! lol

holliberri

LOL, I was married by then, ADil! It seems awfully young now that I think about it.

Pooh

I was married and had two kids by then!  ;D

Yep, I'm sure on some level we are all guilty.  But I did learn.  This time, when I saw things, not once did I think I would change him.  I looked at everything about him as what makes him who he is and I wouldn't dare change a one of them.  For example:  When we were dating, I could see how everyone was drawn to him.  Men and Women alike.  He just has a personality that is contagious and makes you want to be around him.  And he loves people.  He always paid attention to me in a group setting, but I had to share him.  Now that we are married.  If I was to get mad because he pays attention to other people, that would be my fault.  That's how he's always been and one of the things I love about him.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 31, 2011, 10:39:49 AM

24! Wow, I thought I started dating late. I was 21 when I went on my first date! lol

I thought you were just now 21 :)