Required to spend too much time with DHs family...

[Scoop]

I've always liked the idea of getting together for a BBQ on Mother's Day and having the MEN do the cooking!

Also, my DH and I have a deal, *I* get to do what *I* want on Mother's Day and he gets to do what he wants the rest of the year I mean, on Father's Day.

As for the numbers working for us, it would, because it would show DH in black and white that it was TOO MUCH.  In the moment of planning "this" visit, he wouldn't be able to see the big picture.  But if I showed him the big picture, I think he would react appropriately.

[NotChattyCathy]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses!  I agree that we totally need to stand our ground, it's just a lot harder to say than do!!  Thank goodness my DH finally is on the same page - it has not always been that way and we have had our issues because of it (seeing a marriage counselor I think helped him to understand that OUR family unit is the one that matters, his parents are now considered the "extended family").

Scoop you're totally speaking my language with the numbers!  I'm an ex-engineer (now SAHM to our 1&3yo DSs) and my analytical brain responds well to numerical results!  It actually did take me physically counting all the expected family get-togethers to realize how absurd a number it is.  And I did show it to my husband and it wasn't until then that he realized how absurd it is too.

The first challenge is how to change things now after having allowed them to get their way for the last 7 years and the second is how not to damage the relationship in the process.  I would happily come up with fake excuses if it was the easiest thing to do to keep the peace, but my husband has the type of relationship with his parents where he speaks with both of them frequently and they just know pretty much everything about each other's business (I am quite a private person, so this is something that has also caused issues with us, but I'd rather keep that separate from this discussion).  Therefore, asking him to come up with fake excuses would be something difficult for him because it would require him to change the nature of the relationship he has with them.  Additionally, we live in the same town as them, and by driving by our house they can see if we're home when we're "not supposed to be" for example. 

This past weekend my ILs planned a family dinner for Sunday afternoon/evening for no other reason than "it's been a few weeks since we got together".  DH had been out of the country for a week on business until late Friday night, he's in the office this week, but then leaves for another week-long business trip next Monday.  We just wanted to spend a quiet weekend at home as a family.  DH tried to explain this to his parents, but it was apparently the first time he's ever said "no" based on it being his preference not just that we already had other plans out of the house.  This really almost started WW3 with them (and of course they think it was just me who didn't want to go and that I'm just forcing DH to go along with what I want because he went to EVERYTHING before I came along...)  The fact that his parents reacted this way really threw him for a loop I think and it's causing us a LOT of stress now knowing that we HAVE to attend everything they want or else it's going to cause an argument.  DH cherishes his close relationship with his parents and I love him and want him to be happy always, so knowing that this could potentially damage their relationship makes me sad too.  We're ok with joking around knowing that I get the blame and that we'll just live the cliche that I'm the evil DIL stealing their son away, but we're not ok with the time that's wasted having to explain ourselves (this past weekend's debacle resulted in more than several phone calls plus additional emails plus HOURS of discussion - we literally do NOT have that kind of time or energy to waste on something so NOT urgent...  plus it makes me resentful - I mean they should be jumping for joy how much time they get!!  Forget all the family parties - we all (as in us plus both SILs and their families) go away with them for an entire weekend every winter plus an entire WEEK every summer!!  How good they already have it!

PS- regarding Mother's Day - it actually IS supposed to be a family BBQ with the men doing the cooking...but in reality what that means is the women do all the prep-work, we have to make all the appetizers and desserts and side dishes and we have to chase after all the children while the men are busy doing the very important grilling and drinking of many beers....  Funny, that's exactly how Father's Day goes too!  ;-)

[Pooh]

Welcome NCC and bless your heart.  I agree with the others here.  Since you and DH are now on the same page, sit down and decide what you two are willing to do, then go with that.  Expect resistance because even though I find the demands unrealistic, it seems from your post that is how it's always been, and DH was going along with it at one time.  People resist change.  Just hold your ground and expect some resistance to the change.

I do have to say I am always constantly amazed how many times numbers come up on this forum, from both MILs and DILs.  I just can't imagine having to deal with my family, my ILs or my children seeing visits and holidays as numbers.  I mean that as "I am expected to spend 12 weekends with them, or 6 holidays".  It just blows my mind to hear that, as I have never put a number on visits or had a number put on me. 

And I guess I am odd man out here too about holidays.  I love my family, but besides Thanksgiving and Christmas, we don't even get together for holidays unless someone just decides to.  My DH's family decided years ago, before me, to have a family get together every month or couple of months to celebrate all the birthdays in that month.  We go to most of them, but have missed a couple, as does everyone else.  We do go visit my Mom, my StepMom and my MIL on Mother's day, as does Dad and StepDad get visits on Father's day.  But all of them would be ok if I called and said, hey...we have something, can I come see you the day before or the next weekend?  I would still call on the day quickly and wish them a happy holiday.

And this whole thing of not realizing that a daughter is normally closer to her family than a spouse's.  I did think that was normal and I don't hold score on how many times visits are exchanged.  I do understand, and go through myself when they never come visit one, but spend all their time with the other.  I'm not talking about that.  If I had a good relationship with my DIL/DS, I would still expect that they would visit her family more often.  I guess I'm weird.

The demands that are placed on both DILs and MILs here, do boggle my mind sometimes. 

[holliberri]

It just blows my mind to hear that, as I have never put a number on visits or had a number put on me. 

Oh me too...I seriously get heart palpitations when people start saying "come up with a number." MIL is notorious for saying, "It's not a visit unless it's 7 days..." or "Well....every 6 weeks...." or "7 maybe 8 times a year..." and I immediately start counting myself. I don't want to do that; and I don't know if I could have the heart to say "3 days max" or "2 maybe 3 times a year" or "How about every 6 months?" Either way, it comes across as expectations. Then I think if I was negotiating with DH about it, I'm so anal retentive I'd probably start counting hours if I half thought about it. 

Besides, quality, not quantity. If I see you once a year and it's miserable, that feels like 1000 visits at once. If I see you 10 times a year and it's fun and fabulous and great, it's hardly enough. I'm like that. I have an aunt I met 5 times or so and I feel like we're so close. We're really not, but those memories I forged with her those few times makeme feel like I am.

[holliberri]

Ah, my point was that if you're going to place a number on someone, I think you better make sure the visit or whatever is in designated quantity is well worth their while and appreciated.

[pam1]

It didn't occur to me to count until the therapist asked me to literally tell her, in numbers how many visits per month/year.  And that was really the turning point, Laurie gave me a fabulous idea to write it all out on the calendar in different colors so DH could "see" it.  And it worked. 

[luise.volta]

Perfect! 

[holliberri]

It didn't occur to me to count until the therapist asked me to literally tell her, in numbers how many visits per month/year.  And that was really the turning point, Laurie gave me a fabulous idea to write it all out on the calendar in different colors so DH could "see" it.  And it worked.

LOL, I get counting if you think it's excessive or conversely negligible at best...did you come up with a set number of visits after that?

[Nana]

In my case...son/dil come when they want.  No agreements.  No set days.  On Christmas Eve, son/dil will always be with us but they bring my dil's parents every year because they are alone.  Dont have more family locally so we are happy to be all together.  Sion/dil are very close to us and to her family as well.  It wasnt always like this...but now it is.  I think that we all got to understand that it is easy to be in harmony and piece....for the sake of all. 

Wish you all the best.
Love

[pam1]

She asked me to come up with a set number per month that I thought I could live with.  I said twice a month.  She said it was basically a lot but I was going from like 6 - 8 times a month and long days at that.  Now it all seems really absurd how much time they expect. 

It hasn't been that long and we don't have a set number anymore.  DH is actually the one pulling back, I offer more time.  I'm ok with short visits and can do more often.  He can't really handle either right now.  But I get over things faster so I guess we will see.

I don't want a schedule or rotate holidays or anything like that but it did really help us when we were in the trenches to see how crazy and out of control it had gotten.

[holliberri]

Yes, dh's parents were up for a few days before we drove down to see them and everyday I asked him if he wanted to go down to see them and every time he said no. He has pulled back tremendously since dd was born.

[Scoop]

Cathy - I find that if you look at it from the point of view that time=money, you have to admit that they are taking a "pay" cut.  Try and ask anyone if they are willing to take a 30% cut in pay and see how they like it.  So please don't expect them to think of the 'money' they're already making, because they consider that their baseline.  (Halloo fellow engineer!)

I have to say that I'm impressed that you still want a relationship with these people.  I'm impressed that you're still trying.  You're a better person than me.

I'm torn on this one, on one hand, I think maybe you should just start cutting back your visits slowly.  But I can also see that you're going to get this hairy canary EVERY TIME.  Did you end up rewarding their fit by going to the 'get-together'?  I hope not, because then you just taught them that throwing a fit WORKS.

I think the kindest thing to do would be to make other plans FIRST.  You might end up exhausted from putting yourself out there, but it would be the kindest solution.  So invite your parents over, invite your friends over, make a new "date night" rule that is UNBREAKABLE, buy tickets for shows in advance, or something.  You know the dates that are coming up, plan way out there if you have to.  Plan to visit them too, pick the occasions you don't want to miss - I'm thinking kid's birthdays and MIL & FIL celebrations.  I really think that you and DH and the kids need to go away for Mother's day weekend.  Book a hotel with a pool.

For the summer, you should make a "bucket list" with your kids and VOW to do one thing every weekend.  Start planning it now, tell everyone that you won't be available as much this summer because of this VERY EXCITING FUN LIST OF FUN THINGS.  Again, in the interests of kindness, include some Gma & Gpa things on it (BOTH SIDES!).

Good luck - you'll need it.  Be strong, whenever you make changes like this, the people it affects will try VERY HARD to get you to 'change back'.  You have to stay strong, because if you show them that you will 'change back' after X amount of bullying on their part, well the next time, they will be willing to put in 2X amount of bullying.  Also, look up "extinction burst", it's where a person (or pet) puts up one last big fight against the new rules before finally accepting them.  Expect it.

[Scoop]

I didn't start keeping track of how much we saw my IL's or my FOO until the very day that MIL said "You visit YOUR family MORE!"   And honestly, I didn't know the numbers.  So I figured it out and started keeping track.  And you know what?  We, in fact, visited the IL's MORE than we visited my FOO.

To me, I'm a numbers person, and numbers never lie.  (Statistics yes, but not numbers.)

I really think we're all dealing with the same people (regardless of title) because the year after we got married, we spent a week visiting the IL's.  Out of that week, we took a day trip to visit GMIL (MIL's Mom) and an uncle.  When we got back, MIL said "You OWE me 1 more day, because you took a day away from us!"

[Pooh]

I hate when people say "you owe me".  It is one of my pet peeves.  The only people "I owe" are the people that I enter a contract with.  So to me, that's my mortgage, electric, car, insurance, etc.  And my DH...Lol.  I entered a marriage contract with him, so I do "owe" fidelity, loyalty, etc.  Other than that, if you do me a favor because you want to, I don't owe you.  And when I do one for you, you don't owe me.   

I do understand looking at the numbers, when something is not working out and you need back-up or a reality check.  I am a fact person.  I was referring to when a MIL says what Holli was saying, or says "You have to give me 10 weekends." 

And yes, take the titles out.  What would any of us say if our DH/BF/SO said, "You HAVE to have sex 5 times a week, or I'm going to throw a fit and treat you like crap?"

And before anyone answers, remember Luise's forum policies on curse words!  Lol. 

[pam1]

I agree, Scoop & Pooh.

My in laws have also said that we spend more time with my parents (who live on the opposite coast and we see *maybe* an entire week a year lol) b/c when we do see them, we spend the night.  Apparently, we should be spending the night with our local in laws too.  And I didn't know that sleeping counting as quality time but whatever, they are still off their rocker with that assessment, we still saw them waaaaaay more