Expectations

[holliberri]

I know it may not seem like it here, but I can like her with an adequate amount of space.

I know what you mean about space. I told my GPs a few weeks ago, "I want to miss you once in awhile." So not nice, but I need some time to myself.

[pam1]

Yeah, but your family no matter who is in attendance.  I don't mean to play devils advocate but I really don't get this way of thinking lol.  I spend time alone with my family at times.  It's not really planned and it's not like it's a scheduled thing but if my SM wants to go shopping while she's here or Dad and I go to the store or something.  Heck, DH even spends time alone with my Dad cause they both play bball and raquetball.  It's just not that big of a deal. 

I mean, I know if someone is purposely trying to get you apart...like say on holidays or special days, that's different.  But any old time? 

[pam1]

I know it may not seem like it here, but I can like her with an adequate amount of space.

I know what you mean about space. I told my GPs a few weeks ago, "I want to miss you once in awhile." So not nice, but I need some time to myself.

lol, at least you can say it to them. 

[holliberri]

LL,

I think it's wonderful you're so accepting of your DIL; you expect her  to be there b/c she has a spot in the family, and I would think that  she  has a right to be there anytime she wants; and I think it's  wonderful you wouldn't question that.

If she  didn't come  one time, would you take offense? If DS came alone would you enjoy the  time with him?

[Kennedy]

Kennedy:
There are also DIL from hell too ....do you have a list for us MIL's too ?

No sorry LL , I have very few lists actually. I agree with you that their are horrible family members on all sides. I hope I didn't offend you? That wasn't my intention.
I was only giving a point of view the OP could think about and use if she wanted too? 
And those are only views and ideas that has helped me in the past.
If you find a list of rules for either side let me know. I can always be better. 
I've made horrible mistakes in my role as a MIL in the past. I've owned them and I'm grateful that my DIL's gave me other chances.
I have a HORRIBLE MIL. All I knew for certain when this time came in my life was I didn't want to be anything like I had.

[luise.volta]

The kind of person we are is the formula for being the kind of DIL and eventaully MIL we become.

[lancaster lady]

Holli

I wouldnt take offence if my Ds came alone , I'm grateful for any visits from any of them at any time .
since this heart scare she has text me daily to ask about my health , so yes we get along very well .( now )
I also never ask personal questions , .I find the less I invade their time and space , the more
they want to involve me . So being a silent GM has worked in my case .
I am glad that now they want to visit ,especially involving me with my GD , who is the apple of my eye , and we have such fun
together .

Kennedy :

No offence taken of course !!
Since being on this forum , I am now the perfect MIL , don't you know ...lol
I practise all the do's and dont's and it's working very well .
My DIL and I have had some scraps in the past , we have worked our way through them and come out the other side.
The main thing we have to take on board is that the GK's mom is number one !
To be involved with their life in any way , you have to get along .
these MIL's with the attitude of their way or no way are on a hiding to nothing .(old saying )
They will never win .
Told you I was a perfect MIL ......lol

[lancaster lady]

Just re read last post ...Don't mean to sound pompous .....just trying to be the best that I can .....oh no ...
does that sound pompous too ?? lol
anyway , it;s not easy being either MIL or DIL ...as we all know ...

[Pooh]

I think you are getting different views on the alone visits, from different MILs/DILS based on different situations.  In my perfect world, I would love to be able to get along with my DIL and have both of them for visits.  I totally expected after my Sons got married, that was what would happen.  I wouldn't expect alone time with my DS.  Now, if he dropped by after work to borrow something, so be it.  But by that same token, DIL could drop by after work and borrow something, so be it.  I wouldn't think of it as alone time.

But in my not-so-perfect-didn't-work-out-like-my-perfect-world, I don't get along with DIL.  It's not even about who did what, or who is to blame any more.  We are just different people that don't get along.  When they did visit, she sat and sulked and didn't even try to participate in a conversation, or anything.  So it made the visits very strained for everyone, and no one enjoyed them.  So if DIL chose not to visit and DS wanted to, by all means.  It would be a more fun, relaxed visit for everyone.  Now, I am not asking for that, nor expecting it, and DIL would not ever agree to it anyway.  But if that happened, I would definitely take the alone visits.

I think that's why so many different views here.  I for one, know my DIL/DS is a package deal.  But she chooses not to want to visit, so alone visits would be nice.  Some MILs don't recognize the package deal, and have very nice DILs and no excuse.  In those scenarios, then I wouldn't visit her alone either.

Now, my list of what you could do differently.....ummm.....ummm.....yeah I got nothing because you have done so much to try and compromise.  I don't see what you can do any better.  You've asked, you've tried to meet, you've tried to get dates that work, you changed your wedding day and you let DH go see them when he wants.  You are doing more than your fair share of trying to meet half way.

[holliberri]

I agree, Pooh, which is exactly why I think in misunderstood's position, I'd be at every family gathering DH was invited to, just to make sure MIL understands we're together and a package deal (for the most part). Then, if we had progress, I'd have no problem letting DH go away for awhile with his family alone or whatever; but for some reason, I think this MIL needs to get it in her head that her DH is married with a family now.

[Pooh]

I agree.  In her case, it's all of them, or none of them.

I also wasn't ignoring the fact they have a daughter, I left that out of the "package" because my DS/DIL don't have any.  And I wasn't even going to get started on ignoring a child......

[AnonymousDIL]

I'm soooo sick of reading Pooh's posts.... Why? Because every time I do I think "Dang! Why isn't Pooh MY MIL?" LOL Pooh, you are awesome. So sorry you got an icky DIL. 

[Pooh]

Aww...thank you ADIL.  I would take you as a DIL any day of the week!  It's a shame that we can't have a MIL/DIL swap meet somewhere.

[holliberri]

ADil, you are so right! Pooh seems so no pressure and light hearted about things, and despite the cutoff, she still seems happy besides (by that I think I mean she's innately happy), that I think I'd be an annoying DIL that stops by to pick up things and then stays for hours harassing her and gabbing and all this other stuff. She'd have to kick me out. I don't know how her demeanor (that's not exactly the right word) isn't contagious to everyone around her (DILs included!). I need a good healthy dose of happy and no stress, that's for sure; and a lot of time that comes in the form of a person. I imagine Pooh to be that person for a lot of people. 

[LaurieS]

Group Hug