Expectations

[Kennedy]

Good Morning Ladies,
Misunderstood I am a MIL now in life and it is a role I had to learn. I had a horrible example of what a good MIL acts like. Sometimes it felt like I was feeling my way around in the dark.
I made horrible mistakes and so did my DILs at times. But because staying close to my Son's and Grandchildren were important to me I did the work needed. We are now pretty close I think. I know on my end I admire and love them very much!

So seeing how you're this woman's 1st DIL she too may be trying to find her way?
Here is what I would suggest you try if you can?
1st- You and your husband need to talk and get on the same page on how you are going to handle things. Neither of you need to say or do anything without first talking to each other. In other words DO NOT let her divide and conqer. Ok?
2nd- If your MIL sees one of you she sees all of you. Do not let her divide your familiy. Y'all are a unit now and you come as a package deal or not at all.
3rd-Kill her with kindness! Try to tune out every little dig she throws at you and turn it around on her by saying how sweet she is to notice or something like that.
4th- NEVER be alone without your husband around her. If she is going to act horrible with a smile on her face then he needs to see it too. Not just hear it from you.
5th- To me this is most important! DO NOT let her turn you into some ugly person with anger in your heart all the time. You be you and she can be her. Your husband chose you to marry and share his life with. He didn't chose her.
And give it a little time. 

[Kennedy]

I'm sorry about all the typos above. I'll use spell check next time. Promise

[lancaster lady]

Kennedy:
There are also DIL from hell too ....do you have a list for us MIL's too ?

[Pen]

Is the togetherness thing also important when DIL visits her FOO? Or is it just DS's FOO?

Sometimes I enjoy seeing DS w/o DIL, just as her FOO enjoys seeing her w/o DS. We've seen DS alone 4 times in as many years, whereas DIL's FOO sees her alone at least once every two weeks.

It isn't always about dividing and conquering, I'd just love to have a little time with DS w/o the stress of having to abide by DIL's rules regarding what we discuss (never her, usually sports, local/foreign politics or food, LOL) or what activities we do (city vs country stuff.) Do they always have to be together in our presence?

[Pen]

Ooops, I meant that we don't discuss DIL when she's not around. When she's there she's the center of attention.

[holliberri]

I think this difference here is that the DS/DH in question was seen alone and now the MIL thinks that this is how it is supposed to be, and that if she  doesn't want to get to know/deal/establish a relationship with DIL, that's okay and  she doesn't have to. In which case, yes, I'd say DS/DH going alone would be a problem, but not in all cases. The MIL in question appears to be  doing  something to cutoff the OP and  her DD.

[Pen]

Oh.

Well, maybe they could through the MIL a bone now and again...it might help keep her satisfied and lessen the demands.

[lancaster lady]

My DS wouldn't want to come and visit without his family .
I've never asked him to come on his own , my F/DIL told me they were a unit anyway .
Your DS life changes completely when he takes a partner , it just takes us DM a wee while to adjust .
I think when this is suggested to us in a nice way , we do accept it , it's the presentation every time which will win
this argument .
IMHO....

[holliberri]

That's just my read anyway.

It's so funny some MILs  here are bothered that their DIL won't come for a visit, while others here would like a visit with DS alone once in awhile, and apparently, there are some MILS that don't want their DIL around at all (from my impression in reading this thread).

I absolutely think time with DS alone once in awhile would be fair to ask; I would hope misunderstood's ILs know  how to be fair, though.

Personally, DH gets very upset when I try to give him alone time with his family; and his  parents take offense too. I suppose they get credit for accepting me in that  respect. But, I've noticed that he and his dad go off and do something, while I spend time with MIL. Our time with them is  spent divided from one another.

[cd1029]

You are hoping for a relationship that will never exist.  Your MIL is not interested in a relationship with you or your DD, she only wants her own family.

The effort you put into trying to accommodate her, in trying to meet her half way, in doing anything at all will not work.

It would be nice if she were normal but she is not.

Leave her to your DH and let him decide when he sees and talks to her, you do not have to go ... MILs like this do not give up and she will continue to tug at your family until she pulls you into her way of doing things.

Just give up on her.  it will save you years of grief.

[AnonymousDIL]

Just MHO here, I don't think MIL/FIL/DM/DF should EXPECT to spend alone time with their son/daughter after they are married. They've taken a spouse and are a unit, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. My DH spends "alone" time with FIL (maybe MIL?) when he needs to stop by and pick something up after work. I see my mom alone if DH has to work. BUT if it is a weekend, there is no way either side is seeing one of us without the other. We just don't fly that way.

If my IL's lived hours away. Well, DH wouldn't be seeing them without me, not because they'll talk about me or something, just becuase I couldn't bear to be away from him for the whole weekend. But I AM a bit clingy lol

And I don't do alone time with my MIL EVER. She scares me. lol

[cd1029]

"she has told me to my face that its her family her way or nothing, which leaves no room for compromise"

She has told you who she is in this statement.  Believe her.  We so often believe we can change people, but we cannot.

[holliberri]

BUT if it is a weekend, there is no way either side is seeing one of us without the other. We just don't fly that way.
And I don't do alone time with my MIL EVER. She scares me. lol

It just occurred to me, DH and I do everything together on the weekends, including visits. It's the  visits with the ILs that we happen to be apart. Hm...

And, mine scares me too, for different reasons. She's not  mean, but I can handle mean; if she was mean, I'd probably laugh.

[pam1]

I encouraged DH from the get go to go over by himself without me.  He won't.  He doesn't like it and doesn't think it's a good idea.  Neither does the therapist, I still can't figure out why.  They both say she will just think she is getting what she wants and driving me out of the picture.  i don't see it that way, she might think that but it's not really happening, so who cares?  I don't, lol.  I just don't want to be bothered. 

And we actually did try that for awhile and she got worked up thinking I didn't like her.  That's not it, I just need space.  I know it may not seem like it here, but I can like her with an adequate amount of space, I find her funny at times and interesting.  Just not every day or even every week.  She did want to spend time alone with me but i couldn't take it for very long b/c it was a lot of gossip and negative stuff. 

My point is is that nothing is really going to satisfy her so I gave up really caring about that.  I give what I can and do what I feel like I can do with a good heart.  That's all anyone can ask of another.

[lancaster lady]

If the MIL wants to see her DS and GK she has to accept that there is a mom involved in this family .
If she can't accept that , it's her loss .
A family , is a family , is a family !!
Mom , Dad , and kids ...end of !!