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All of the Gory Details

Started by holliberri, March 27, 2011, 07:07:30 PM

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Pooh

Bless your heart Holli...you are a trooper.  I am very proud of your DH for stepping in on the whole "overstimulating" thing his Mother was doing.  So kudos to him for that one.  But shame on him for not considering her pink eye, and thinking you were using it as an excuse.  And shame on him for planning renovations that include money and time, without consulting you or taking into consideration your feelings.  And shame on him for letting his Mother plan all your holidays, and insult you without stepping in and taking up for you.

I did buy my GD clothes, but not one outfit was geared for a special occasion. And I bought her a mix of girly dresses, jeans, t-shirts and boots.  And I would never be offended if she wasn't in them.  So no, not all GPs are that way.  If I had a DIL with a DD that I wanted to buy something special for them, I would make the offer to take DIL/GD shopping and let her pick out what she wanted.  If she said no, then ok.

Yes, some of us MILs here, do state that our DSs are the Dads, but I also see where the same MILs here, myself included, are disappointed when our DS's don't step up when they should, with both their Mother's and their Wives at times.  If I was treating my DIL or GC disrespectful, I would respect my DS if he said something to me.  But I also expect the same when it comes to DIL being disrespectful to me or my family.  No different than if my DH was being disrespectful to my DS/DIL, I would say something in their defense, and I expect my DS/DIL to treat my DH with respect as well.  It's not about DSs, DILs, DHs, MILs, FILs, etc.  It's about people respecting each other, period.   

I am glad you survived, and were able to let some of the smaller things go, but I totally understand your frustration at the major things.  You were a trooper HB.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

Holli :
Hope it gets easier with each visit ....lol
I can't figure out the waterworks with MIL , what on earth ...!!?
With DD sleeps , you could always say , she only settles with me ....nothing  wrong with that .I'm sure a 9 month
old baby doesn.t recognise this lady as her GM even though she loves her to bits .
The clothes thing is surely  a trend thing , in our day all baby girls were frills and lace . Now it's leggins and mini skirts , which are cute . I tend to take a photo with my mobile and send it to DIL before I buy any clothes for my GD. this tends to work but as
I like wee trendy clothes I mostly get it right .
I think you should try and be yourself next visit , no point being someone you're not .You get on soo well here with
all the MIL . The point is there's no discussing with your MIL without the waterworks being turned on .That's a hard
one to overcome .Never a dull moment , that's for sure !!

Pen

Holli, it sounds rough but you all survived somehow. You'll have to come up with a way to ignore MIL's tears. That must get old quickly. My DIL doesn't know how bad it could be, LOL.

I'm constantly amazed at how clueless some people can be around babies. Rather than taking the child's mood into consideration they insist on meeting their own needs. I know moms who are that way with their own children, actually. If you've been to a sale at a department store lately you've seen that scenario, I'm sure. It's sad and frustrating to witness, not to mention annoying to those of us who prefer to shop without hearing a screaming infant.

If I remember correctly, babies are constant spitter-uppers. Couldn't you use that as an excuse to switch outfits?

Scoop, the only time I'll ever pull the "DS is the DAD" card is if we never get to see the GC. Until then I will assume that my DS and DIL are making decisions regarding their (non-existent so far) children together in an equal partnership.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cd1029

Oh my.  visits every 6 weeks?  every holiday?  family vacations?

That is way too much involvement with your ils ... and you need to decide how often you want to be with them, make out a calendar for the year, show it to your husband and tell him that is what you will do, follow that calendar.

If he wants to spend every holiday and vacation with his parents, with or without the baby, that is his choice, but then he gets to deal with the overwrought baby, not you.

My guess is that it would not take him long to realize he doesn't like it either.

Right now, he is in a place where he is used to this kind of behavior ... and doesn't see it from your point of view ... give him the opportunity to see your point of view by living it and see if he doesn't change his mind.

You need time as a family, not always off to ils ...

You need to decide what you want, tell him what you can do, and stick to it.  let him handle the rest.

holliberri

LL,

I have said that consistently. The problem is MIL says "Oh, but  she can't be that tired, she wants to play, that's why she's crying..." enter stuffed animals/toy/singing/dancing of choice.

It just occured to me that I may have backpedaled a bit. At her house at Thanksgiving and at New Years at G-mas...if DD was tired, I left the room with her. I forgot to do that this time. I don't know where my brain went.

Scoop,

I'm definitely going to ask about the renovations being moved to the week after. That won't help the ILs, because they'll be in the area for the weekend following the party, so their plan was to just stay with us and do the construction then, but I'd really like to make DD the focus that week.


Pooh and LL,

MIL can seriously buy whatever she wants, she doesn't have to ask. It's the designating the outfit for the special occasions that gets me.

I am feeling better about this this morning. I do remember DH making a comment, "Well, if we have a boy, be certain we're dresisng him in pinks, purples and dresses b/c I'm not buying anymore clothes if we don't have to." I wasn't in the room for that one, but it was around the time MIL mentioned that DD looked like a boy.

He also mentioned to his mom that he didn't think Disneyworld was worth the effort for a toddler. He said maybe at age 7 or 8. So, I suppose I can give him credit for that. It slipped my mind...likely b/c it wasn't a flat out no.

Pen,

I just read your post. You hit the nail on the head. MIL really neglects DD's feelings when she does all of that...that is what gets me. I've seen parents do it too, you're totally right.

DD has spit up exactly once in her life. She was colicky, but she never had a belly problem. I had forgotten about changing outfits (lucky me, right!? I can't complain about that), all of the time. I suppose I can just do that. She's a ridiculously messy eater anyhow, no matter how big the bib is, she gets the food everywhere. Good plan!

Pen

Oh, and about the humor thing - we've got the opposite problem. We've always been a family that finds humor in just about everything. We love to laugh, debate, joke, pun...and DIL does not. The only time she laughs is at someone else's expense. It's hard to be around, and I feel myself censoring my personality to accomodate her.

And I agree, every holiday and family vacation is too much. There are too many places to explore in this world and too little vacation time. But I'm caught in the same dilemma - I should visit my DF, we should visit my ILs, etc. but I want to go elsewhere!

Yikes, all that renovation right before the party?...timing is everything.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Scoop

Holliberri - I really want to stress how important it is to move the renovation time.  In the past few years we have done 2 big renovations.  The first one was stressful, because it lined up with our 10th anniversary.  This last one ended up having MAJOR unexpected add-on changes.  And for some reason, it didn't stress us out.  I think it's because we had the TIME, with no deadline.  I don't know what kind of renovation your doing, but re-doing our entire kitchen took over 3 months.  The company sending the cupboards missed one piece and it took 6 more weeks to get it in.  We needed to take some drywall down and were amazed/disgusted at what we found behind it.  We had to do some work on the 'fundamentals' before we could put the new kitchen on top of it.  And that took a lot of TIME.

Let's face it, a first birthday party isn't really for the baby, because she won't remember it.  It's for you as parents.  So make the effort to make YOURSELVES happy, and it will flow down to her.  You should also plan on her being over-stimulated so that you're ready for it.  You will likely have to take her to her room for some quiet time, so make sure the party can run itself while you're gone.

You can save your gifts to her for her actual birth-DAY, that way she's not overstimulated with the gifts.  Don't expect her to play with anything right away.  You can even save the gifts and dole them out over a couple of days / weeks, so that it's not a "glut" of new things.


holliberri

CD,

I think you have a good point. DH makes me go with him everytime we're with his parents. I'm not sure as to why, I thought it was just because he loved me! LOL. I may need to opt out of some of the activities.

Scoop,

I will mention that to my DH, it doesn't sound like a bad idea. I know the party is really for us, but it seems like DH and I are thrown in too many directions (we work full time and go to school at night) that we never get to just enjoy DD without all of the distractions. I can't help but think revamping will be a big one.

lancaster lady

I really have to admire you Holli , you are bending over backwards trying to please the world and his wife !!
Do you EVER get to do what you want to do ??

holliberri

Well...good old guilt gets me everytime.

It's not that bad, really. We live near my family, not his. I know that I have to make them a priority when they travel nearby or when we're making special plans that we should include them. I'd like to think I'm good at meeting everyone halfway. I understand MIL wants to be a good grandmother and I know that she's cramming ALL of these feelings into the visits that we do have. She's constantly making plans for the next time, and the time after that and the time after that. Both of her sons moved away (one left the country), so I've never felt her pain, but I can certainly understand it.

It's the "I never had a girl" pain that irritates me. I just don't feel like DD should suffer to fill the voids. Is gender really that important?

I believe I'll be a lot less stressed when DH and I finish school and we'll be able to better manage our time. (I have a little over a year to go, he has a little over two). DH does a good job of the weekly 2 hour dinner with my GPs (annoying as ever), so I try to do for him what he does for me. It's just that my family isn't as er...imaginative or wanting to be as involved as MIL is.

LaurieS

I found that I also did not do well when I was feeling overly stimulated.. still don't! When left to feel that I was not in control of my ability to digest all the immediate input, I'm sure that my nervousness passed right through to my children.  In the future, I would always remember to go to another room for both of you to have a little down time.

Your Mil is overstepping boundaries that should never have to be verbalized, by trying to dictate special occasion outfits.  I think before that one is over, you'll be forced to hand her a few words that will once again make her cry. I was only joking when I said that I thought you should let her pick out the babies and your outfit for the first b-day celebration.

It really sounds like your mil is grasping for any type of commitment that she can force you into.  Like the grandmother here who almost had a written contract dictating when and how long she would get to have her gc without parental involvement...  This type of thinking is not healthy or normal and never productive.  It's a shame as it sounds like she will not back off and give you any breathing room until it's demanded of her.

Pooh

It's a shame that she doesn't see all the time and effort HB is putting into their family and back off.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

L

Holli, glad my suggestion helped you.  The mother in law does sound a little pushy.  Sounds like she always wanted a girl so that explains her wanting to dress your DD but it's YOUR baby girl and you never know could be your only, so yes definitely dress her in things YOU picked out for special occasions unless you really truly love what MIL picked out and want DD to wear it for special occasion.

I was lucky as I inherited lots of darling dresses for my DD when she was a baby from sister-in-law that were still like new (and I do love the girly dresses) but actually they can only wear those frilly things for special occasions for a few hours or for picture days.  They aren't really comfortable for every day.  I like my babies dressed in soft comfortable fabrics.

One more thing....you mentioned that the MIL said that school reunions were "trumped" by family reunions.  If you truly want to go to the school reunion don't let her bully you.  (not saying she is a bully, she probably means well and just wants you and DH & DD with her) It's great to have a good relationship with in-laws and you want your DD to have a good relationship with them but that does not mean they have the right to tell you what to do.  Asking is one thing but treating like you are a child is another.  Good luck, sounds like you need it with "grandma crocodile tears" Lol    ::)



     

Rose799


holliberri

Rose, I always love what you post! Where do you find this stuff? Too sweet!