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Where do I go from here?

Started by jill, March 23, 2011, 07:41:03 pm

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Pen

I'm glad to hear you have visits and phone contact. Your DS watching every move you make is something else! Why do you think he's doing this? Is he watching for something DIL has already accused you of, or is he soaking up good childrearing skills?

If it's the latter you can feel affirmed as a parent. If it's the former you're in the same position as a politician who's being "spun" by the opposing party. My DIL and her FOO have spun DH & I, and DS's childhood, to suit their original agenda of cutting us off. Thank goodness things have gotten better, at least on the surface.

I hope your DS soon sees he has nothing to fear and passes that on to DIL. Best wishes, and enjoy the visits and calls!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Things don't change, that's true...but people do. Adult children can grow into strangers and we have little or nothing to say about it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

Quote from: Barbie on March 27, 2011, 10:41:52 am
Dear Hope,

I want to share something with you. My DS who used to call me everyday has been calling me a couple of times a week now, and we get to see him and GD every couple of months when they come, while I agree it's much better this way than in a large gathering where DIL's family is present, it's still not the ideal situation as I feel that he's watching every single move I make with GD, he doesn't trust me? how quickly he forgot the person that I am all that I did for him, our relationship is so diferent to the one we used to have, when they leave we're left wondering if we'll ever see them again so instead of being happy, we're left with such emptiness that it's hard to enjoy the moment. We keep hoping and dreaming that things will change but they don't.

Barbie,
I feel like we have very, very similar situations.  I only see my gc once in a couple months - around a bunch of other people.  I don't EVER get a call from my son to just chat or to see how I am.  I'm happy for you that your son cares enough to call you regularly.  I totally get the feeling of emptiness - and finding it hard to enjoy the moment. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Hope

Hope

Quote from: Pen on March 27, 2011, 11:17:31 am
I'm glad to hear you have visits and phone contact. Your DS watching every move you make is something else! Why do you think he's doing this? Is he watching for something DIL has already accused you of, or is he soaking up good childrearing skills?

If it's the latter you can feel affirmed as a parent. If it's the former you're in the same position as a politician who's being "spun" by the opposing party. My DIL and her FOO have spun DH & I, and DS's childhood, to suit their original agenda of cutting us off. Thank goodness things have gotten better, at least on the surface.

I hope your DS soon sees he has nothing to fear and passes that on to DIL. Best wishes, and enjoy the visits and calls!

My ds does the same thing!  He watches dh and me when we hold gs at gatherings as if we will do something wrong.  And when I didn't hold his bottle high enough for a few seconds (which btw was the kind in a bag that air cannot enter) he corrected me and took him away from me when I interruped his bottle feeding which was going on for at least a half hour between dh and me.  Also yelled at me for talking too loud on Christmas eve while gs was napping in a nearby bedroom.  He's another person than I use to know.
Hugs, Hope

lancaster lady

I too was shown how to feed a baby a bottle !
This was after she was 9 months old .....that was the first time I was allowed to feed my GD.!
It's funny this topic has come up as my DD and I were discussing today how much my DS has changed .
Do you think it's because he knows how his partner likes things done and is afraid of the consequences ?
Or he has been brainwashed so much he forgets who actually raised him and his siblings !
Maybe we are now too old , and not capable any more .
whatever their reasoning it's very demeaning and as usual we say nothing as we don't want to make waves !!

Pen

Hope, I was just chastized for whispering around a sleeping baby by a new mom who wanted everyone to keep the noise level normal so the baby would be used to noise and not need complete silence to fall asleep. You never know which parenting philosophies are being used until you mess up, right?  ;)

LL, yes it's very demeaning. I think sometimes the intent is to make us feel old and in the way rather than loved and valued for raising our own children. I wonder how they think we managed to survive all these years w/o their input?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Hope

Being treated in this demeaning way changes my behavior.  I feel unconfident and withdrawn.  I need to be able to ignore those feelings and be happy for all the great things in my life.  Haven't figured out how to do that yet, but I'll figure it out.
Hugs, Hope

luise.volta

I do that because there is still a part of me somewhere deep down that thinks it's true. When people say things about me that I don't relate to, they roll right off me like water off a duck's back. When it happens like you describe, I try to get in touch with that little person within that still isn't aware of how wonderful she is and give her the validation and acknowledgment she didn't experience. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

Thanks, good friend.  I need to do some of that reassuring self talk to build myself back up.  I am a good mother, I am a good mother, I am a good mother.......AND.....it's their problem, not mine; it's their problem, not mine; it's their problem not mine........
Hugs, Hope

Nana

Good Hope...validating ourselves is important to our self-image.  We may be getting old but we sure need to be rewarded by it, not demean or judged.  All you ladies, Hope, LL, Barbie, Pen are great ladies and good moms....hurting from their children's insecurities.  My dil used to watched me all the time when I was permitted to hold their first son, her eyes were all over me.  It was so disgusting and humuliating.  As you all said, could not enjoy the moment.  It was like being the gm....but not being a real grandmom.  I even became very nervous when holding him because I felt intimidated.  So ladies....lets show our children that we do know how much worth we have, even if they dont think so.   Just hold on to the blessings you do have.

Love you all. 
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

holliberri

Are they really being demeaning or judging? I tend to believe they're just being parents.

I'm going to defend us kids here for the moment: we are all only trying to be the very best parents for our children, as all of you were to yours. There are many, many different ways of doing that, but each of us has our own way that feels right and intuitive to us. I think when we do correct something, it's not to be mean, or to be putdown or chastisement towards you, it is only done b/c we think we are acting in the best interest of our children. We may or may not be...time will tell, but we go on the best information we have for now. And, everyone really does do it differently; it's not the best way, just a different way.

My brother still doesn't like how I held the bottle for his DDs, but he made sure to do it my way for my DD when she was born. I have a girlfriend who feeds her children meat, but she knows I don't feel DD meat yet, so she respects that. When she comes by, I have some turkey cranberry puree for her DS. There's a million ways to parent, since there are millions of children and millions of parents out there, and all of them are different. I believe that when a suggestion is made, it's not because you're doing something wrong, but doing something according to mom and dad's instructions does keep the continuity for the child and if mom and dad have a handle on it, so what?

I don't think it's insecurity; my insecurity comes into play b/c I have zero confidence to tell MIL that what she is doing is stressing my DD out.  Insecurity makes me clam up, it doesn't make me bark orders.

luise.volta

No defense needed here. How you feel matters and it doesn't require agreement. Eveeryone matters here, "kids" and all. This is a very wealthy site because we all put inour 2 cents!   ;D   Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Barbie

Yes Hope, think of 10 things that make you a good mother and write them down on paper and put it somewhere where you can read it often.

I'm usually a very confident person and I worked so hard to have the "perferct" family but with the way DS has treated us I feel so ashamed that I can't look at DIL's FOO in the eyes, I figure they have to know the way DS has humiliated me and disrespected our family, it's embarrasing. They're the ones with all the problems but I feel that now thanks to DS we're at their level. 

Pen, I'm not sure what the problem is and I stopped trying to figure it out, I just try to be myself around GD. I'm clean, don't smoke, don't drink, don't feed her junk food, I'm religious, the only thing I can think of that DIL may not like but I could be wrong is that I like to see GD looking pretty and ocassionally I buy her clothes to put on while she's here since they dress her in rags, we like to spoil her but to me that's what GP's do.

Holli, I see your point and really, if they don't like something they should come out and tell us in a nice way, I don't think any of us would feel hurt by that, it's the way they do it, the disrespect that hurts so much and specially when they put us down in front of DIL, it's devastating.

holliberri

Oh, Barbie, I can see that.

Delivery is everything isn't it?

My mom came back from a visit last year with my brother and she fed my niece a piece of cheese that she choked on. My SisIL AND my mom stuck their fingers in her throat to fish it out. Baby was fine, and the story was repeated to my brother.

My brother stood up pointed at his DW and his DM and said, "You and you...STOP talking. You NEVER put your finger in a baby's mouth...don't you know anything???"

This just as his MIL was walking in. My mom was mortified, and felt like the "lesser" grandma b/c of the audience. I tried to tell her not to sweat it, b/c he also gave his DW a tongue lashing, but feelings are feelings.

A few weeks ago, I did ask her if I cut up the grapes small enough for DD (small round things frighten me) and she said, "Uh-uh...don't ask me. I have no idea, I messed up once before, remember?" She's not over it.

lancaster lady

Holli........I agree with you that what babies mom says goes .......I would never offer GD anything to eat without running it by her first . She is the number one carer 24/7 , and of course I as a Gm respect that .Its the little things that gnaw away .Now I am allowed to.change nappies ......I am monitered whilst doing so ....but as I sing when doing this , I tend.not to hear any comments ....why do I sing ? It stops my GD wriggling away ....lol.