Where do I go from here?

[jill]

I have just talked to my odd and she has pretty well let me know she wants nothing more to do with me.  I hardly spoke the last time I saw her, as I was afraid she would twist anything, but apparently I looked at her the wrong way, which I was not aware of.  She said there is no hope we can ever have a relationship.  I was hoping we could at least have a civil relationship but it seems she does even want that now.  She has taken my granddaughter, the light of my life, away from me.  What do I do now?  Should I write a good-bye letter, she does not believe I love her, and I want her to know I do. She hung up on me.  Everything I do is wrong to her.   I am back where I started 8 months ago.   We had no contact for about 4 months last year and it was the worst time of my life.   I really need your wise words now...................Jill       

[Pen]

Jill, I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you and your granddaughter. By all means write, but do not send a goodby letter. IMHO it won't do a thing to change your ODD's mind but might make it harder for her to come around in a few months time. The good news is that you survived the four months last year...you can survive these next few months as well.

It will be very hard, but try to do something that affirms your life everyday. The moms who have been through this will be weighing in soon. They'll have better advice than I, I'm sure. {{{hugs}}}

[LaurieS]

Hey there Jill.. I can hear the hurt, and I'm so sorry that your daughter has chosen to turn her back once again.  How is your relationship with your other daughter at this time... this is the relationship that I would be spending my time with.  I might give the odd a little space that she is asking for, I hope for her sake as well as yours that she comes around eventually.. but in the meantime I would concentrate my love on those who are capable at this time of loving me back.

[L]

I am so very sorry.  Maybe she just said that and didn't mean it and she will calm down.   She must know deep down you love her because if you didn't care you wouldnt' be trying to have a relationship with her.  I think you should do whatever your heart tells you to do as far as writing a letter to her.  You don't have to say "goodbye" in it but you could tell her you want her and your granddaughter in your life and your door is open.

Have you gone to a counselor to help you?  I'm thinking of finding one for myself.  I know exactly how you feel, I'm afraid of what my DD is going to say when I call her next week.  Last email she sent me right after Xmas she said she didn't want to see me either so I'm right in the same boat with you.  We will make it through one day at a time.

I can tell you love your granddaughter with all your heart.  Your daughter may very well have a change of heart down the road.  Sending prayers your way.         

[luise.volta]

Oh, Jill, I'm so sorry. There's nothing you can do. It isn't about you. All you can do is let go of your hopes, dreams and expectations like the rest of us and heal. You can't have what you want and it's a long rough road (I know) to get to where you want what you have....but that's the answer. Sending love...

[cadagi101]

Jill, I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you and your granddaughter. By all means write, but do not send a goodby letter. IMHO it won't do a thing to change your ODD's mind but might make it harder for her to come around in a few months time. The good news is that you survived the four months last year...you can survive these next few months as well.

It will be very hard, but try to do something that affirms your life everyday. The moms who have been through this will be weighing in soon. They'll have better advice than I, I'm sure. {{{hugs}}}

Jill, I feel for you it is very sad, I agree with  all has been said I can't ad much more only this...while I was struggling with similar issues which weighed me down and depressed me terribly for many years I didn't think I was worthy of a treat or pampering time just for me....today for the first time ever the words of WW have said over and over came flooding back to me...I was looking at gorgeous very special gorgeous smelly candles and soaps etc, that I would never ever buy for myself  always for someone else, I felt fabulous as I bought some beautiful items to pamper my senses.     WE give give give so much of  our lives to our children, I remember 20 years ago a counsellor said to me picture a glass that is half full, I've forgotten the rest but she meant I give so much out but am not getting my needs met.    That probably meant absolutely nothing to you but the point is do something for you, be kind to yourself  your odd isn't going to fill the glass for you but others love you and they will.         

[kathleen]

Jill, I am in exactly your position and have been so now for almost three years. 

I can say I am so sorry this is happening to you; it is happening all over the country, a sign of changing times.  I recently watched a documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt; only 100 years ago, women felt so respectful (or fearful, depending on your perspective,) of their mother-in-laws.  Eleanor lived in a side-by-side townhouse with her MIL able to come and go freely between the units, via sliding doors.  It wasn't until her husband became paralyzed with polio that Eleanor began to stand up to her MIL and no longer defer to her in all things.  So this is how much times have changed.  That isn't a help, but it's partly an explanation.  One DIL wrote that today they consider relationships "optional."  OK.  So be it; I have options too, and one is to actively and consciously work against being destroyed by a hateful human being who married into my family.

There is some collective small bits of wisdom I have gathered that help me daily:

---Do something every day that you love.  Lavish time on your garden, your painting, your cooking, or whatever makes you feel like time passes unnoticed.
---Take time out for moments of silence.  Reflect, and promise yourself that this woman will no longer get any more of your time.  Self-blame, trying to figure it out, and trying to bargain with the devil, takes a lot of time away from you and what you love to do and other people you love.
---Take really good care of yourself.  Eat well, and treat yourself often.  For me, it's books.  I treat myself to a new book often.  You can buy them so inexpensively now, used, on Amazon or the Internet, and for me, they provide a welcome distraction when bad thoughts come in the middle of the night.  I just turn on my light, and zoom, I'm in the Klondike helping Belinda Mulrooney build her fantastic Grand Forks and Fairhaven Hotels for her grimy prospectors (like Jack London). Or I'm with my Nancy on the trail of the Secret of the Old Clock.  Or I'm studying a new recipe from Ireland for soda bread to make in the morning.  It really helps. 
---I subscribe to magazines that bring light and beauty into my life, like Victoria.  And I buy similar gifts of books/publications for my husband, to cheer him up.  He may be the only retired man who got a long-wanted children's book for Christmas to read to his kids at the library.  He has found this way to relate to other young children, in lieu of being allowed a relationship with his granddaughter.  So that's another tip, if you can find another way to relate to kids that really want you in their lives in some way.
---Do something bold.  I am now planning to write a book. I wrote to my idol, a dazzlingly talented Canadian author who has won a million awards and who writes the best, most accessible modern history books.  I loved her simple idea so much in the first book of hers I read, I actually asked her if she would give me permission to produce a similar book in the United States.  To my shock, this beautiful woman wrote back---several times----and said she thought it was a wonderful idea to do a similar book here! We had some real exchanges!  Don't ask me how I got the nerve to approach someone this accomplished, but it is opening a new world for me now.  I need a project, and I've now got one.  I'm starting my research next week.  And I feel I have the support of a woman whose self-image is bright and strong enough not to feel threatened by imitation.

What do mothers do?  We control things for our children. What happens when we can't?  We feel helpless and we reach back for that control.  But we can't get it back at this stage, and it doesn't do any good to bargain, I've learned.  Your daughter-in-law is who she is and she's going to do what she pleases. 

I finally blocked my DIL's emails, because they so often contained very hurtful messages or demands for money.  The other day I got a long email from my server notifying me that DIL sent five---five---requests for money in one day.  The server thought it was some kind of emergency, so the server notified me, in case I wanted to respond (usually I don't get a notice, but no doubt the server thought five in one day was an SOS.)  I don't want to respond.  I have no more money to give her.  I'm too busy spending it on history books about the Gold Rush and the amazing women who mushed through the Yukon, or a new/old Nancy Drew.  (Bye, dear, you'll have to go elsewhere now for your free lunch.  You do have more gall than an elephant, I'll say that for you.)

I will be thinking of you, Jill.  And hoping that today---even just for today---you take a large chunk of time and do more than one really nice thing for yourself.  There really is life beyond a rejecting daughter-in-law, even when it involves the unfathomable loss of a much-loved grandchild.  And in some ways, it is very freeing as we learn the art of self-sustaining habits in dark times.  When we are stuck with a DIL like this, happiness must be earned, but it can be earned.  There are some things in the world we will never understand, like serial killers and women who refuse their children a relationship with grandparents.  Keep remembering the No Excuse phrase: there is absolutely no excuse for her behavior, unless you have been a child abuser (and I know you aren't.  If you were, you would not care so much about your granddaughter.)

As far as your letter---do you really love this woman, who treats you so badly and leaves you hanging with no place to go?  Truth is my companion now, because not facing it led me to many wasteful days (and nights.)  I do not love my DIL.  I don't love someone I don't know anymore, and who has been carefree about hurting me and my husband so very badly, and who has separated her husband and daughter from his family.  I don't want to write and tell her that I love her when I don't.  But if you do, and if you feel it's the right thing to do, then go for it, realizing there is probably nothing either way that is likely to change her unless she has an epiphany of some kind. Do what's right for you.

Baskets of flowers,

Kathleen

[kathleen]

Jill, I just re-read your post and realized you are probably not talking about your DIL (I still don't have all the acronyms down and mistook ODD for DIL.)  All my advice is the same; I lost my son, too, in addition to my granddaughter. 

Best, best, best for you,

Kathleen

[tryingmybest]

Kathleen your post contained excellent ideas on women taking care of them selves. They apply no matter who is causing the heartbreak. 

[jill]

Thanks so much for all your replies.  Yes, Kathleen, it is my daughter, which makes it extra hard, mothers and daughters are supposed to be close.  When the one you give birth to just wants to throw you away, it is hard. 
I will pick myself up and dust myself off as I have done so many times, but now I realize a relationship with odd will not work, it does not make me happy, she will continue to twist any innocent remark to suit herself, I have walked on eggshells long enough.  She cannot accept me for who I am.  I have had counselling and she has told me to concentrate on my own life which I am trying to do.  I will write a letter but will not send it until my anger has subsided, maybe for her birthday.  I will send my gd an Easter card and gift certificate and a birthday gift, but I will not contact my odd.   Laurie, my relationship with ydd is not close but we do see each other, usually when I babysit, so I get to see my grandsons.  My gd was my first grandchild, of all the things odd has done, taking her out of my life is the worst and I don't think I can forgive her for that.
But I will pray that I can get through this again.
It means so much to be able to vent like this to people who understand..........Jill

[holliberri]

I finally blocked my DIL's emails, because they so often contained very hurtful messages or demands for money.  The other day I got a long email from my server notifying me that DIL sent five---five---requests for money in one day.  The server thought it was some kind of emergency, so the server notified me, in case I wanted to respond (usually I don't get a notice, but no doubt the server thought five in one day was an SOS.) 

Kathleen,

I was curious, do servers do this often? I've never heard of it. I would think that someone blocked as junk that suddenly sends 5 e-mails would be listed as a spammer. I've lost several important e-mails upon blocking, so I was wondering if there was a say to set up a notification like that? You have a very very good internet service, it sounds like.

Jill,

I am sorry about your DD. Just stay as busy as you can. If you started talking after 4 months, it is liable you will talk again. I'll be thinking of you.

[lancaster lady]

Jill

Do you think it gives your DD pleasure in watching you suffer from another scathing remark ?
She knows she has the trump card in your GD , and knows that whatever she says or does to you , you will always come back when she calls .
You need to call her bluff ! don't play her games any more , play your own trump card and don't contact her in any way .
By all means , of course , keep sending things to your GD .
Time to live your own life , some kids don't think we have one .

[L]

I can relate when you said "daughters and mothers should be close"  I think that's why I have such a hard time accepting my DD and my messed up relatonship because my mother and I never fought and we were so very close like best friends and now she's passed away two years ago.  So, it really hurts as I miss my mom so much too.  At least you have another daughter who is o.k and you get to spend time with grandsons.  Don't know if I will ever be a grandma, I hope so!

Do you work?  You may be retired I don't know situation.  Reason I ask is yesterday I decided I'm going to try and find a part time job for myself in the fall after summer (want to be free for my DS this summer) but it made me feel better deciding that because all this free time at home gives me to much time to think about daughter and other problems!  I think I will be happier if made to be busier at a job.  So, maybe you could do something or volunteer with kids reading in school like another lady suggested.  You never know, maybe then your ODD might even be like "wow, mom isn't sitting around worrying about me in fact, she is working with other kids."  Maybe she will get off her "high horse".  I know my daughter is on a high horse too and I think she likes it when I'm upset.  Hate to say that, but some of our kids are just plain mean it seems!  It's awful isn't it?!!!!  Hang in there!   

[LaurieS]

I was curious, do servers do this often? I've never heard of it. I would think that someone blocked as junk that suddenly sends 5 e-mails would be listed as a spammer. I've lost several important e-mails upon blocking, so I was wondering if there was a say to set up a notification like that? You have a very very good internet service, it sounds like.

I'd be concerned if my some bozo at my isp was reading my messages and then commenting on them to boot.  Now that would be a scary thought... Maybe Kathleen did not mean her Internet Service Provider when she said server.. you know all this techie talk sometimes terms are misused.

[luise.volta]

Well, I never misuse techi-terms! No, not none of me! Lets see...ISP: People say that around me a lot. It means "Isn't she pretty?"