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I'm so jealous of Holliberri!

Started by Scoop, March 22, 2011, 07:28:48 am

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It looks like we'll be going to see the IL's for Easter and I'm a nervous wreck!  (Already!)

I just typed out and then deleted a bunch of silly reasons to be nervous.  None of them are particularly valid.  I just don't wanna go!  (Wah!  <foot stomp>)

Please tell me it won't go south!  Tell me that the kitten will be fine at home for 2 nights alone.  Tell me that DH will agree with 2 nights away, instead of 3.  Tell me that DD will enjoy Easter egg hunting at the IL's and she won't break any of their doo-dads.  Tell me that the IL's will not go overboard with Easter stuff for her, that they will not expect to hide more treats, that they will give their other grandkids the same treatment as DD (instead of favouring her), that they will get her something appropriate, that she will enjoy, that fits.

Sigh.  I'm so jealous of Holliberri.


Psssh.  The kitten will be fine.  DH will be understanding.  If DD breaks anything, well she's a kid, that's what happens.  The IL's will probably go overboard and give her something they find appropriate that will leave you scratching your head going, "What were they thinking?"


You will go knowing all this MIGHT happen and just shrug it off, going "They are who they are!"  Because you know how special you, DH, DD and kitty are and that's all that matters.  And you will be fine.   ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

Do all DIL  dread going to visit their IL's ?
Makes me feel like a monster ....lol
Just treat us like an eccentric old Auntie , I think it's the title that scares DILs.
People make excuses for an old Aunt's behaviour , so I think I would like to be one of those please . :)


Sorry, LL, I'm one of those who is dreading the pending visits with the MIL. lol First Sunday in April for BIL2's surprise 16th B-day Party and then Easter. DH/FIL/BIL2 will be camping that weekend and going straight back to the IL's house (4:00ish). Guests are supposed to arrive at 3:30. Um, 30 minutes alone with MIL and SIL? No, thank you. I think I am going to be late. :-) 



Deep breaths! Pooh is right, all will be fine. I'm sure the ILs will likely go overboard, but that is their doing, not yours. I was wasting a lot energy being worried/upset about that stuff when either a.) it hadn't happened yet or b.) it happened and no real harm was done.


I don't think it's inherently natural to be dreading a visit with the ILs. My ILs were find for the first year mostly...it was Christmas 2005 that things really began to sour, when my DH got very ill and no one but me wanted to take him to the hospital. He nearly died, and when I finally convinced them all to take him to the ER, the doctor told us we should never have waited.

After that, after I was left unable to behave like a wife, because I had to defer to his mother.She kept saying, "I'm his mother, I know best. This is just strep throat." It turns out, he had a periotonsular abcess (sp.?) the size of a grapefruit that was blocking his airways and esophaugus. He could not breathe, and despite him signing and me saying we should take him to the hospital...we were ignored for 8 hours.

The truth is, she was being a little self centered and didn't want the perfect Christmas day to be ruined with an emergency. Who really would want that? Dh and I certainly didn't plan that.

Since then, I will never be anywhere near them without  my own vehicle. Since then, I can say our relationship has soured. It's taken 5 years to get over it.

I seriously doubt the MILs on here have behaved like this, so I'm just pointing out that I do believe my "dread" while a waste of energy did have a very real, very valid trigger.

All is well that ends well, but

lancaster lady

I am so trying to be like none of the bad MILs listed on this forum .
After reading all the horror stories , I should now know what not to do .
however i am now being included in the wedding plans , so I must be doing something right .
Good luck with your visit HB.



I didn't seen awful lot of stress specific to your ILs...do you just get stressed before travel in general?

I really do think the kitty will be fine. The kitten will miss you but that just means extra cuddle time when you get back. I do think your DD will like Easter Egg Hunting...that was always fun for us.

And...I do wish I had a little more of your assertiveness than I do have.


It just comes down to being COMPLETELY different. 

They're night owls, so DD (6yo) will stay up late, I will try to stay up, but will eventually go to bed, at which point the IL's start their 'evening'.  MIL will prepare food for the next day, then take a bath, ect, going to bed a good couple of hours after us.

We let our dog sleep with us.  The last time the IL's visited us, they said they had a rough night, trying to keep the dog off the guest bed.  I told them that I certainly didn't mind if their clean little dog slept on our guest bed, but now I wonder if this was an indication that OUR clean little dog shouldn't be sleeping on THEIR guest bed.

DD is an early bird, so she'll be up at 7 am and she'll wake me up.  So we'll sneak downstairs, trying not to wake anyone else up, as they went to bed much later than us.  I usually pack a granola bar or something, so that I don't have to wake up the IL's by rooting through their kitchen for breakfast for DD.  She wakes up HUNGRY on the weekends, because we have breakfast at 6:30 am during the week.

There will be nothing planned for us to do.  If I make plans to do something with SIL & the DN's, I get stink-eye.  The DN's are DD's age and they have SO MUCH FUN together.

If I offer to take DD to the park, we end up going alone, because that's not something that's 'fun' for the IL's.

The meals we will be offered will not be kid friendly.  I will have to ask MIL for raw veggies & bread, so that DD can eat.  It likely won't be something I like either, but I can suck it up better.  The funny thing is that it's not even DH's favourites.  That I could understand.

There will be at least one dig about not seeing us for Christmas.  It will take everything for me to not FLIP OUT on MIL over this.

There will be at least one dig about not seeing us "enough", even though we visited them last, and it's been almost a year since they visited us.

There will be some un-equal treatment somewhere.  My DH is the Golden Child, so he will be fawned over and SIL will be compared to him in a dis-favourable way.  My DD is the Golden-Grandchild, so she will get 'more' Easter junk than the DN's and she will get fawned over and compared to the DN's in a way that makes them look awful.  "Oh DD is SUCH a good eater! <pointed look at DNiece>" ... "Oh DD is SO well behaved. <pointed look at DNephew>"  And it's so unfortunate because SIL and the DN's are really awesome and I love them so much.

I know that I'm expecting the worst, but often, it helps, because if I go in expecting it to be 'okay', I'm always bitterly disappointed.  If the weekend goes well, I will be pleasantly surprised.

lancaster lady

Scoop :
Wonder why your MIL can't ask you what you and your DD like to eat .
Also why not lay out breakfast cereals at night as she is up so late .

I always ask my guests not just DIL what are their favourite foods and breakfasts etc., especially the wee one when they have certain likes etc .
Maybe need to sneak in more food , like a school camp ..lol


It's going to happen. You are going to be fine. And you are going to come and tell us all about it...including HB! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: lancaster lady on March 22, 2011, 10:52:46 am
I am so trying to be like none of the bad MILs listed on this forum .
After reading all the horror stories , I should now know what not to do .
however i am now being included in the wedding plans , so I must be doing something right .
Good luck with your visit HB.

Good job, LL!!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Scoop, it sounds awkward and uncomfortable, but not completely hopeless. Are your ILs unwilling to listen to suggestions regarding food or activities? I'm sorry they can't be more amenable to your needs. Pack snacks and activities...and try not to engage when MIL starts in with her digs. Do you have a phrase you can repeat silently to yourself? You're going to be fine...

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Thanks guys.  I know it's not completely hopeless.  It's more like death by a 1000 papercuts.  No one thing MIL does is ever a deal breaker, but man, they add up to a lot of frustration.

I don't know why MIL won't ask what we like to eat.  When I think rationally, I know that she's not intentionally making stuff we don't like.  I think it's more a matter of her thinking that Everyone likes the same things she likes.  Unfortunately, the side effect of that is that if you don't like the same thing she likes, she perceives it that you don't like HER.  (Pen - does that ring true for how your DIL is?)

Sadly Pen, my mantra is (usually) "Don't mess with me.  You will not win."  Or else I get walked all over.



I've never engaged my MIL when she digs. I just stare blankly at my plate, TV, magazine, baby, whatever, and don't answer her back.

I'm not sure how effective it is...but I always pretended that if I didn't acknowledge she said it, it is like she really didn't say it at all. I just always thought it was better than asking her what she meant, or yelling at her, or asking her not to say it.

There were p/a digs this weekend as well on the Skype session, but I can't explain what happened...I just did not care that she said it. Because I didn't care, I was able to naturally and quickly change the subject. It doesn't really matter what she says; our plans, life, or dealings with DD just aren't going to change.  To me, that took a lot of the power behind her words away. So, um...er...is there a way to get yourself not to care that she says it?

MIL either knows that I would normally like nothing better than to start yapping like a chihuahua at her, or  has absolutely no idea she's even doing it at all. Might your MIL be the same?


Scoop, all of your posts above dwell on minutiae.  All the tiny little things you hate about MIL, things MIL does that bother you, etc.  No wonder you don't want to go!!!  I'd stay home too if I had that perspective.  If you are so inclined, here are some suggestions to help you out of the rut.

Walk in with armfuls of the most wonderful flowers you can imagine, flowers that YOU like.  Then you can sit around all weekend in a room filled with flowers you love.

Go outside your MIL's house and find trees, flowers, birds to commune with.  Enjoy them.

Bring Easter baskets full of your favorite goodies for all the kids who will be present.  Let DD give away those baskets.  Enjoy the faces of all the children you have made happy.

Write down everything HB does to avoid getting tripped up by her MIL.  Take that paper out of your pocket and kiss it every now and then.

Remember that WW has given you angel wings and we expect you to hover with grace, not allowing yourself to be dragged into the fray, but instead swooshing fresh breezes on all the proceedings.