estranged son

[overwhelmed123]

I agree Pooh, but I also think that the situation wouldn't have even happened how it did had a family member not spoken the way he did about GF.  She's obviously made some not so great decisions in her life, I wonder how many times she's been reminded about that before this happened.  She reached a breaking point and obviously took it out on the wrong person.  But still, I feel sorry for her.  She probably feels so insecure.  I can't imagine overhearing God knows what being said about me.  I feel like that first impression shouldn't dictate the way Luv feels about this GF because that was kind of a terrible situation the GF was put in, you have to admit.  I just feel like she should be let off the hook and given the opportunity to make new impressions without feeling attacked.

I'm really sorry you're going through all this, Luv.  What an awful, sticky mess you are in!  I do, however, believe that it can get better!

[holliberri]

No, I agree Pooh. I don't think I was specific enough when I said she's not handling it appropriately. If she has a problem with the stigma of having children from multiple fathers, she's not considering how her children are reacting. She is instead calling attention to the stigma, right in front of them. All she is doing is highlighting the difference for them, which increases the stigma instead of reducing it.

[LaurieS]

Ok, all the events and assumtions and other things aside.  I have a real problem with GF calling the three children downstairs and yelling in front of them about "bastard children" and then cursing you, followed by herding them out.  To me, that shows she is not a good role model for her children.  It was like she called them down there and said that in front of them, to see if you would react so they could witness it.

I agree OW she was judged.. but you know everyone is judged at every turn she is no different.  The one I referred to as Grandpa trash mouth is being judged, his behavior justified but still judged.  Without knowing this woman I can honestly say that I would have judged her based on what the OP is saying... I could be wrong but I feel that we are being told that this woman is rather skanky in both appearance and demeanor.  Pooh has a point and her actions very definitely say that she is not considering the well being of her children which here we go again I judge her to now be ignorant on top of classless, and a bad role model.  If you don't want others to poorly judge you then don't contribute to the negative views.

I guess it's like walking down the street and seeing some black teen with his pants down to his knees and and acting like a street thug.. yep I'm going to make a judgment call in 3 seconds or less... I think it's human nature to make quick decisions which is first and foremost a survival instinct.  Is it wrong?  I'm sure most will say yes, but if I'm not comfortable with a person or a group of people, being wrong isn't the point any longer... it's simply how I feel.

Now how that translates into the acceptance of my child's relationship with a person that I find this uncomfortable to be around?  I think I would still make the phone call and make it clear that your words were misinterpreted, and then I think I'd be upfront and straight about how you really feel.  You can accept your son's decisions without becoming 'enmeshed' (did I use my new word correctly? ) with his gf or her children, or her children's fathers.  We are capable of loving our children without loving their actions such as the DUI, and keeping the two separate.   

[Pooh]

Good post Laurie, and I am guilty as well.  When my sons came home with a friend that was wearing all black, chains hanging around his waist, hair down past their shoulders, a tongue piercing and bracelets with skulls all over them, and wouldn't look me in the eye and simply said, "Yeah...hey", I was uneasy.  I gave him a chance, but it didn't give me a warm, fuzzy feeling up front.  It is wrong, but I am guilty of it too. 

I have a SD that we are not seeing right now because she has decided our "house rules" are too strict for her.  At 17, she knows more than us (insert eye-roll here).  She was dressing like the boy I described above (minus the tongue piercing), and looked like an EMO kid.  One of her gripes with us when we would make her go change because we were going to a wedding, was that we were judging her based on how she dressed.  We tried to explain to her then, that yes, people were going to judge her based on her appearance.  Was that right?  Maybe not, but that was life.  And even though she liked to dress that way, there were times and places (like this wedding) that were not appropriate for it.  I asked her if she would go into a job interview dressed that way?  Her answer?  "Yes, I would because if that can't except me for who I am, then I don't want to work for them".   She's going to be jobless for a longgggggg time.....

[Pooh]

....unless she applies at "Hot Topic"

[holliberri]

Oh, Pooh! Lol. My mom just landed a high paying massage therapist job, and then the boss told her she was going to have her working 4 days instead of 2. I asked her why and she said that while she was planning on hiring someone else, everyone that walked in the door came decked out in tattos and piercings and that wasn't the "motif" she was looking for.

It is so true...we do judge. It is just too easy to compartmentalize. I think that the woman's behavior probably just reinforced the pre-judgment, and in a round about way, that means that Luv wasn't really wrong for pre-judging.

[Pooh]

Yep, it's life.  Right or wrong.  It's like paying taxes.  I don't want to and I don't think it's always fair, but it's life.

Hang in there luv!

[justus]

Pooh, I agree the GF handled it badly. My judgment of her in Luv's place would probably be the same as Luv's. I would be thinking, "What the heck has DS stepped in now?" Believe me, I have had to squash such judgments regarding my children's choices of friends and BFs and GFs so much that I think I am a professional at it.

I work in a college, so I have to do it here, too. We have so many different cultures here that I am getting much better about passing judgment based on appearance.

[Pooh]

Oh bless you justus.  Me and DH went to our local college last summer because he was trying to get his college transcripts from 20 years ago, and when we stood in line, I felt like I was standing in line to get in some funky nightclub.  When we got to the desk finally, this very sweet, 60ish something gray haired lady, looked up and smiled.  She said, "Oh wow, normal people."  I laughed my butt off.

[Pen]

I once was told by a boss that I was not allowed to wear dangly earrings at work because his ancient mother had told him long, long ago that women who wore dangly earrings were disreputable (he used a different word.) It was rather amusing, but I wore posts at that job from then on. In subsequent jobs it hasn't been an issue, LOL. Times and perceptions do change.

Have you seen the new Greek yogurt and hummous commercials with "YaYa?" They're hilarious...YaYa (a traditional Greek grandma) approves of a young hostess's choice of hummous as an appetizer for her guests, but insists she "dresses like a prostitute" when actually she's wearing a very modest outfit by today's standards.

We've all got to own our actions at some point. The young woman in question has lived a certain way, and she needs to own it. If she's proud of her family she should hold her head up and show it by honoring her kids and treating them with respect. If she's tired of being judged by her appearance she needs to change it. There are many (too many) style shows on TV that could guide her.

Gosh, how many times have children done something for shock value or as a rebellion against their FOO's? Do you suppose DS's choice of a partner falls into that category?

[Pooh]

I saw one the other day Pen, and it was hilarious!  I love a good commercial.

I am probably gonna get blasted for this, but you know I can't stop myself once I get on a roll...   I had a friend that was complaining one day how she couldn't go in a bar or club without guys hitting on her constantly.  That all men thought she was easy.  Ok, she would wear a see through shirt with her "assets" pushing out the top and her belly showing.  Paired with either a very short skirt or skin tight faded jeans, with 3" spikes on.  When I pointed out that they way she chose to dress, gave off the impression that she might be that way, she got soooo mad at me.  I couldn't help it.  I can't stand when women complain about that but dress for the attention. 

[L]

Sorry gotta be honest...when all is said and done...that GF is a train wreck.  I don't feel sorry for her.  And no matter if she felt disrespected by crazy Grandaddy she shouldn't have blown up and cursed in front of her kids and at everyone.  That was totally ridiculous.  She is not a teenager but obviously has the maturity of one. 

Sounds like you are handling the whole situation very well though.  Sorry your dad is loud and uncontrollable.  He is older and so is "old school" as they say... so he probably does not think much of her since she has all those kids out of wedlock.  And actually I think she does sound like a train wreck.. but your DS has to make his own choices and it's his life to live.   

I would just take a step back and let it play out.  I wouldn't feel compelled to write her a letter...hey, it wasn't your fault your dad acted like he did toward her and she got mad at everyone and went loco!   Hang in there.   



 

     

[LaurieS]

Sorry gotta be honest...when all is said and done...that GF is a train wreck.  I don't feel sorry for her.  And no matter if she felt disrespected by crazy Grandaddy she shouldn't have blown up and cursed in front of her kids and at everyone.  That was totally ridiculous.  She is not a teenager but obviously has the maturity of one. 

While that is possible L, in her current relationship she is the one that has not had her license revoked so train wreck or not, she is his train to ride. If I'm going to pass negative judgment on one based on the OP statements, then I'll pass them on all and I think there may be as many facets here as a brilliant cut diamond. 

[L]

Oh, well I didn't know DS had his licensed revoked...I don't always read every single post.  Well, yeah I agree that's not good.  Still think she sounds like a train wreck though.  We are all entitled to our own opinions.  But thanks for udpate!

[AnonymousDIL]

I saw one the other day Pen, and it was hilarious!  I love a good commercial.

I am probably gonna get blasted for this, but you know I can't stop myself once I get on a roll...   I had a friend that was complaining one day how she couldn't go in a bar or club without guys hitting on her constantly.  That all men thought she was easy.  Ok, she would wear a see through shirt with her "assets" pushing out the top and her belly showing.  Paired with either a very short skirt or skin tight faded jeans, with 3" spikes on.  When I pointed out that they way she chose to dress, gave off the impression that she might be that way, she got soooo mad at me.  I couldn't help it.  I can't stand when women complain about that but dress for the attention.

Pooh! I think you know my SIL! LOL She dresses like that  and has a fit when men leer at her. I told her when you dress like a "lady of the evening" (yes, I used THAT exact phrase LOL) you can't have a problem when it attracts guys like that.