estranged son

[LaurieS]

It doesn't seem to matter what age our kids are.... we hate to see them struggle or sad..

In the case of your ds, it may be quite helpful that the kids are all in contact on a regular basis with their fathers.. Your son is not having to totally take on that responsibility as well.. It will be easier if all the 'dads' get along and much easier for the children involved.

I knew a woman who had 4 kids by 3 different fathers and now married to yet another man.  I was at the school one day when she was there to request an early release for them... I thought if  anyone could keep up with all the different sir names they were doing good... the kids were happy, and happy that their mother was finally happy and they all seem to be very well adjusted people who just happen to have a different background then me.  It's hard not to judge when it's a situation that is alien to our way of thinking... really kind of nice that your son could see past this.. I hope it works out for everyone.

[Pooh]

You sound very level headed and have your act together.  I do understand your concerns over his "need-go-fix" people.  To me, this is no different than women that are in a physically abusive situation, finally get out of it, then will go right back into another physically abusive situation.  Those of us that haven't been in that situation, have a hard time understanding how they do that.  So why would we find it harder to imagine that they are men that do the same thing? (I'm not saying that your Son was in a relationship like that, but entered another "fix-it" relationship).

All you can do is try to show her compassion and civility, and hope that she responds in kind.

  If you've raised an intelligent, capable man, you should trust that if he likes her, she must be a good person. 

OW, I wish it was that way, but many times it's not.  Even intelligent men and women, get into relationship with bad people.  I think there are many of us here that have experienced our children picking a bad partner and we sit back going "What in the world?".  Men and women alike.  Heck, I was raised intelligent and capable and I still picked a bad first husband.  And I think I was like the OP's son, "I can fix him".  That was my mistake.

[overwhelmed123]

Oh, don't get me wrong- I don't think it DOES always work that way.  I know a lot of times it doesn't.  My point is to give that person the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise.  You should trust that your adult child is capable to pick someone right for them instead of automatically assuming the worst, or assuming this person is wrong for them.  If they prove otherwise, then they do.  I'm just saying to start out with before you judge without knowing them, you should trust that.

[Pooh]

Oh yeah, I agree with you.  That's why I asked the OP in my original post if her opinions on this GF were based off of her history or her actual behavior towards them.  I don't see where she answered that.

[overwhelmed123]

I didn't either, and to be honest it worried me that there was so much negative in the post about the woman that didn't seem to be relevant to the relationship with the DS.  I guess it's a sensitive subject for me because of my ILs.

[justus]

My DS, who will be 22 next week, also has this rescuer tendency. We have talked about it and he has gradually made better decisions regarding his SOs, but he has a ways to go. I only hope when he does get married, it will be to his equal, not to someone who he thinks needs to be saved, but I don't have a say in it at all. Oh, my gosh is it frustrating, but if I made that sort of decision for him, I would be cheating him of a chance to learn and grow. Maybe he never will learn, but that is not my problem. I did my best with him, now it is up to him to make those decisions and then to live with them.

I know it is hard giving up that sort of control, but you have to. Letting go is part of being a parent. I think it is the definition of parenting. Be careful that you don't mistake your problems with allowing your DS to make his own decision with a possible dislike for his chosen mate. It is easy to do and easy to blame her, but that is a mistake that will only drive your DS away. Own your own feelings, don't punish her for them.

BTW, one of my BILs married a woman who had three kids by three different fathers. I love her. They have been together for about 10 years now and are still going strong. So, her past doesn't mean she can't have a good future with your DS. Regarding the kids and what they see/are going through, that isn't your business. I know it is hard to step back from that, but you have to. It is a worry, and something I would worry about, but there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe your DS is just what they need.

[seasage]

My DS, who will be 22 next week, also has this rescuer tendency. We have talked about it and he has gradually made better decisions regarding his SOs, but he has a ways to go. I only hope when he does get married, it will be to his equal, not to someone who he thinks needs to be saved, but I don't have a say in it at all. Oh, my gosh is it frustrating, but if I made that sort of decision for him, I would be cheating him of a chance to learn and grow. Maybe he never will learn, but that is not my problem. I did my best with him, now it is up to him to make those decisions and then to live with them.

My DS is also a rescuer.  In spite of our non-relation with our DIL, the rescued child DS did marry, my DH and I often look at each other and say "Thank heaven he didn't marry the GF before this one, or the GF before that."  They were certifiable basket cases. 

And so I wonder about myself.  Did I create such a big comfort zone for DS that he was able to rescue everyone else?

[Pooh]

I sometimes wonder that too seasage.  My marriage to their father for 21 years, allowed them to see me, the woman in control, and dear Dad, the man that didn't have to do anything.  I did everything because he never helped, but we didn't fight often, and the kids wouldn't have known the whys.  But now I wonder if they saw that and somehow think that is how it is, or how it shouldn't be.  Their take on it?

OS has been lazy and irresponsible and married a controlling person.  Does he think this is normal because he saw me being the "person in charge" his whole life?

YS isn't married yet, but tends to date women that "need saving".  Did he see me having to do everything, and went the opposite route?

I know they are who they are and this is not me looking for a "reason", but just things I sometimes think about...Lol.

[AnonymousDIL]

Pssst Pooh! Luise will tell you that you're over-analyzing and some things can't be explained.

I do wish it were simpler to understand why people do the stuff they do.  *sigh*

[Pooh]

Hee hee...yes she will.  But I can't help it.  It is not me looking for whys and reasons, I do this by nature.  If I see a water wheel, I want to know how it works.  If I see a strange piece of art, I want to know the story behind it.   When I am going on vacation and everyone says you have to got to go here....I want to know what makes it so interesting.  Lol.  I love to research things and figure them out.

I gave up on figuring out my OS several months ago....because there's nothing to figure out there.  He's just him.  But I still go back and ponder things when someone posts something that makes me think.

[overwhelmed123]

I am very much like that too, Pooh, so it has been hard for me to really let go of the fact that I will never be able to make any sense of 1) why I get blamed for everything and 2) why my H's family is willing to completely forgo a relationship with him instead of assuming responsibility for what they've done.  I can't wrap my brain around it, and it's hard for me to be okay with that because I am used to reasoning and analyzing until I figure something out- in most outlets of life.  I hate it when something isn't logical enough to reason out! 

[Rose799]

Maybe having grown up in loving homes, they just want to share the love...maybe a little too much.  The "can do" attitude is a good thing.  If things get too hot, that attitude may get them out of trouble, as well.   It's worked for my yb. 

[justus]

I don't know why they become rescuers. DH thinks he was a rescuer because he was responsible for his M's emotional well-being, and being the oldest child, he was responsible for his younger siblings. He thought he was rescuing me, but boy was he wrong. If he hadn't "rescued" me, I would have been out of this podunk town long ago and on to grad school. He tried that protection thing and I gave him heck for it. I made it clear that I had been wearing big girl pants for a long, long time and didn't need him to protect me, but he was so used to that role he had a hard time stepping out of it. It is such and arrogant way of looking at the world.

DH explained it to me that it was so painful for him to watch other people face the consequences of their choices that he just went ahead and prevented/fixed things so he wouldn't have to watch the people he loved be in pain. I explained to him that he was doing the people he loved a total disservice by depriving them of learning and growth opportunities. Yes, it is painful in the short term, but if they learn their lesson now, you won't be fixing the same messes over and over again and it is less likely that a mess so big he can't fix it will occur. It also sent a message that he didn't think we, the people he loved, were strong enough to handle it while he was oh so much more equipped to deal with these situations than we were. Talk about arrogant.

We modeled a good M for DS, mostly, and I certainly didn't expect him to make my world OK. So, I am not sure if he inherited DH's arrogance or his GM did the same thing MIL did to DH. I was that person, but I stepped back from that role, and I know M pulled my siblings into being her rescuers. I think DS got pulled into it, too. Maybe a bit of both. *shrug* All we can do is point out the patterns, it is their choice to do with the info what they will.

[overwhelmed123]

It's funny, my DH picked me because I was so vastly different from how he was raised and his M.  He was raised as a rescuer and of course, after his dad died, that role for him became even stronger.  He loved the fact that I was so self sufficient and independent and didn't "need" him to make me happy.  To be honest, I thought it was kind of sad that he was so surprised that women like that actually existed.

[holliberri]

DH was livid with me when we were dating (not exclusively) early on. I went out with a guy to the nearest big city (an hour drive) and the guy refused to take me home. He figured I would relent and stay with him in a hotel; when that didn't work, he figured the car would do just as well. I kicked him, maced him, ran out of the car and to the nearest public place I could find. I had a bartender call me a cab and one $200 ride home, I was back on base, safe and sound.

Why was DH mad? I should have waited in a strange place and called him b/c that's the "easiest way to make a man feel important. Men always want to rescue someone."

The generalizations are his, not mine; I think he should have subsititued the "men" for "me" and "I". I was rather proud of myself b/c I could pull myself up by the bootstraps, but to him, this was almost a dealbreaker. I told him he watches too many movies. 

But, I don't think his parents instilled that in him, I think it just there b/c he prides himself on being the nice guy that always does the right thing. IF I called, the right thing to do would've been to come get me, I suppose. And, maybe, when you meet someone you might be interested in, and they have what some would call a checkered past, the right thing to do is look past it at first. The other right thing to do is know when you're in over your head and when you can't fix or change someone.