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One hates me/one is sick!

Started by texasmom, February 11, 2011, 03:07:11 PM

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texasmom

My oldest child has recently been very ill.  Life threatening ill.  Two operations in a month and chemo still to come.  Radiation starts soon.  My younger daughter who I have talked to everyday for the last six years since she graduated from college has decided that she hates me.  She will no longer accept my calls.  She has not called to ask how her sister is doing.  I got a email saying that she was angry at me and not to call or contact her any longer.  The oldest is angry at me because I am the only one around to be angry at.  She is losing her independence, probably her job and home.  She is ill and scared.  I feel like bricks are being thrown at me and I can't dodge fast enough.  Until August I thought I had a great relationship with both of my adult daughters.  Thanks for letting me vent.

holliberri

Out of the blue YD decides she doesn't want to talk? Does it have to do with her sister being sick?

I'm so sorry about your OD and I'm sorry you're going through all of this. From my experience, illness at a young age is very isolating. Add chemo on top of that and it's a train wreck. I imagine OD probably had a support system of friends that have either started to dwindle or have already done so. This may be why YD hasn't called about OD. People don't always know how to handle illness or are afraid of what to say or what will happen. Plus, people don't like dealing with the downright uncomfortable. They just don't understand that being there is simply enough.

I have no doubt that you'll do this, but no matter what OD is doing, she needs you. Please don't let her alienate you. She needs as many people around her right now that are there to offer love, support and help. Even if she is hurting you now, please remember what she is going through; I think she's hurting more and that's why she's angry.

I recommend some chemo support groups for at least you, if not her. You both probably feel alone, but you don't have to be. If she hasn't undergone chemo yet, this is nothing yet. She's likely only to feel more isolated, and with all the chemicals in her body she may not have much control over what she says or does; and chemo is so awful b/c to make you better, it has to make you sicker.

I am so sorry about this, just be there for and set an example for YD, no matter what OD may be doing to hurt you. I believe you have the strength to do this, b/c it doesn't sound like anyone else around you does. Please, vent away here all you want.

Have you looked at Caringbridge.org? Check it out, it might be a great way for OD to stay in touch with friends and see who loves her from a distance if not up close. It's done wonders. It also helps the family members as well.

Please keep us posted. You h ave my best wishes. If you need ideas as to what to do on hospital visits, I have millions, please PM me.


texasmom

OD and I are still close and I will be there for her every step of the way.  She is angry that her wonderful life has changed and so many have already quit calling, emailing, etc.  She feels isolated and I think she is going through the stages of grief for her old life.  I don't know about YD she has always been somewhat self-centered but in a "I am the STAR" kind of way.  Up until now she has been a great sister and friend.

holliberri

Once she beats this, she's still going to have to find a new life where she can fit in. This really is a game changer. No one should have to go through this, or what you're going through. I hope your YD bucks up and does the right thing.


Huni

Texasmom, it sounds as though you have conflict of several emotions going on right now.  I'm sorry that your daughter is very ill, and I'm sorry that your younger daughter is causing your grief. You don't need added stress by what I call "drama".   I work with terminally ill patients and their families.  I am NOT suggesting that your daughter is terminal, but the family dynamics are the same when there is a serious illness.  Please stand firm and let both daughters know that you will be there for OD, just as you would if YD were sick.  You OD must go through several stages of her illness.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I suspect she is very fearful, and may be feeling some of these emotions all at the same time. IMO denial and anger are the strongest emotions.  Sometimes people hang there for a long time.   Support groups are excellent.  Friends can encourage, but there is something to be said for those who have experienced or are experiencing the same the same concerns. Sharing feelings is therapeutic.  A support group for caregivers would be excellent for you, as well.  It is quite the battle and not an easy one.  I wish you the best.

As far as YD is concerned, I suspect that she cannot understand what her OD is going through, nor can she understand your motherly concerns.   Perhaps it would be good to include her in a support group.  Perhaps there is a jealousy issue.  I cannot fathom being jealous of a serious illness, but I suppose the spotlight doesn't shine as brightly now for her.

My advice is to get healthy yourself so that you can be the Mom and encourager.  OD needs you.  Try to stand strong and firm. You have my prayers and blessings!

JaneF

I really don't have more to add to the great advice already given, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your child being so ill, and for the other child and the anger issues as well. You have a lot on your plate right now. My thoughts are with you. Take care of you.

jill

Dear Texasmom,
I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's illness.  She is lucky to have you for a mom, to have you there for her every step of the way.   Your younger daughter is probably scared too, especially if they have been close, and maybe resents the attention that your od requires.  I am sure you will find your inner strength to deal with this huge challenge you are facing, and I am sure eventually your yd will come around and support you at this time.  My best wishes to you....Jill

luise.volta

We go where they go whether it is serious illness or out-of-whackedness. We can't help it and don' really want to. Still the pain can be excruciating. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Welcome TM and sorry to hear of your troubles right now.  Good thoughts and wishes your way!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

TM, please take care. We're sending strength and hugs your way.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

courtney

 Welcome Texasmom. I am so sorry you and your daughters are going thru this. It must feel like a nightmare.  But,you have found this site and will no longer have to feel alone, which I have found helps me greatly. Keep venting, and know that there are women here that really care.    -Courtney

Tara

Texas Mom,

Sorry that you are going through this.  Its hard enough to have your daughter dealing with chemo.  I think Holliberry
may be right that sometimes young AND old people don't know how to relate when a friend or loved one has cancer and
they stay away because of that.  Must be very painful and worrisome.  We are here for you!

holliberri

I was wondering how you were doing Texasmom. I have been thinking about you and your daughters. I hope everything is going as well as it can be.