estranged son

[luvpetzall8]

My son has chosen to become involved with a woman who has five children by three different men.  Their ages are 15 years to 3 years.  Four sons one daughter.  She has been married once and lived with the other two fathers.

My son went through a divorce two years ago after a six year marriage.  It was a destructive relationship for him and the divorce was not alltogether a bad thing.  It was, however, difficult for him.

We have a closeknit family and have always cherished that fact.  However, since the divorce, my son began to frequent local pubs where he met this woman.  One night he got a DUI which involved property damage...he called her to his aid and the relationship began.

He brought her home for a visit with family and friends, and the followup comments  and remarks from both fronts were not favorable in the least.  He admits and seems to agree with all points of view on this 'blossoming' relationship, but has told us all to essentially 'butt out'....and should we desire our relationship with him to continue as it has for 37 years, she WILL be a part of his life and she WILL be involved in each and every exchange and facet of his life.  He will NOT bypass her to be with his family.

[overwhelmed123]

I'm sorry, as I'm sure it's frustrating to see your child with someone you would not choose for them- however, he's a very grown man who has a valid point.  If he's 37 years old, you really don't get to butt into his personal life and choices (unless we're talking about a drug/alcohol intervention, abuse, etc).  This woman may have a less than perfect past, but I don't think that gives anyone a valid reason to judge her for it.  He is choosing her, and he has a right to do that without interference from others.  As much as it may frustrate you, I don't see that he said or did anything wrong.  You said your peace, now respect his adult choice and let him live his life with this woman.

[overwhelmed123]

He's also giving you the choice- respect him as a grown capable man, or don't and lose your relationship with him.  To me, that would be a pretty easy choice.  I think we all deserve to be treated with mutual respect in our relationships, no matter who it is.

[Pooh]

Welcome luvpetzall8.  How did she act during the visit?  I'm asking because I wasn't able to ascertain from your post if the remarks were due to her history or how the visit went.

And OW was right.  No matter what, he is an adult and free to choose his own path, even if everyone else sees it as bad.  That is a very hard thing for us to accept.

[lancaster lady]

I think when a man reaches 37 , he gets to make his own mistakes .
If he agrees with all points of view ,then he realises what he's getting in to .
as long as she's respectful to you , you really can't complain .
Hey, he may end up happy . Here's hoping .

[holliberri]

Petz,

I agree with OW. I think if I were in your DS's situation, I would find myself saying the same thing. I remember a few times my mom remarked about DH...and she didn't really say anything I didn't already know, they were just things I chose to accept about him. I think that might be why he agrees in part with what your saying (which also means, I think that he respects your opinion about it...since he can see that side of it), it is just that he's okay with her shortcomings. It's hard, b/c there is nothing you can do about it...but there's not a whole lot he can do to make you like his GF either.

I do see him saying that she needs to be included in the events as his way of saying that he'll be there as long as she's invited and welcome. To me, that's him not only fighting for her, but fighting for his family too. I think there are a lot of on here that wish our relatives would try to toe that line like he is doing.

[luvpetzall8]

Thank you all for your input and VERY point on observations....oddly, each of you responded as my son had...I thank you for recognizing his good character and desire to be the 'man' to this woman and the leader of his 'home' life.

You are right too is seeing my frustration.....but more than that my sadness and concern.  I do not know how to express my level of ambivilance about this GF.  But I have a great unease about her.  My son has shown himself to be somewhat of a 'hero' and has a history of choosing needy females.....always coming out with the short end of the stick.....

We have talked at great length about this tendency within himself......I have always enjoyed the talks we have shared as a family in analysing ourselves and others and motives and actions and so forth......here I am deeply concerned for what I see and believe my folks see and he doesn't see.....But then I also know he sees things WE don't see so.....

My prayer is that all will be well ultimately, but I have serious reservations....in any case, I just need to work on myself and encourage my folks to do likewise....we also need to try to find a way to 'break bread' with this person and demonstrate graciousness....this will be a big hump for sure....

[lancaster lady]

If you go out of your way to make this person feel welcome , your son will love you for it .
He'll also know you are there if the cookie crumbles ....thats families for ya ..!!

[holliberri]

I think you have enough balance and civility within you know what the right thing to do is, and do just that. 

[AnonymousDIL]

The Ladies are absolutely right that he is a grown man and capable of making his own decisions. You mentioned two things that made me think. You said you are a close-knit family and that he is divorced and you thought the divorce was a good thing. Just out of curiosity, how were you toward your ex-DIL? Did you feel she was "replacing" you? Did you have to "step-in" and tell DS that she was "all wrong for him" or anything like that? I'm trying to understand DS's reaction on this. If you were judgemental of his past relationship choice, he may be blaming you for the divorce. It obviously deeply affected him. Did she leave him? over any issues with you?

Sorry if that offends or upsets you, but often times "close-knit" translates to enmeshment.

[overwhelmed123]

Luvpetz- I also want to add to please please be aware of your actions towards this woman.  It is evident that you look down on her for her history and you don't want that to come out in your interactions with her.  Some people are better than others about picking up on that kind of thing- but if they do, it usually turns into a big mess.  I'm not saying "walk on eggshells," I'm just saying be aware of your facial expressions and verbal interactions with her.  Make sure you don't come off as fake or condescending.

ADIL- I did ask myself the same question about the "close knit family" part.  I wish I understood what it meant or why it was thrown in there with, "however, he started going to local pubs where he met this woman."  From your response luvpetz, it sounds like you believe close-knit to mean you all are very familiar with each other's business (talking about telling your folks to be nice to her).  I don't mean this in a negative way, I'm just asking.  Because if that's the case, I think at this point in time you really do need to take a step back from being in his business and even talking about this girl and their relationship with other people, including your folks.  If they try to engage in gossiping about her, ask them to stop or tell them you don't want to get into your son's personal life anymore.  That's a kind of "close knit" that is likely to backfire if your son decides this woman is his lifelong partner.  I also wondered why you brought up the amount of kids she has with the amount of men she's had them with.  Ask yourself- why do you look down on her for her past?  If you've raised an intelligent, capable man, you should trust that if he likes her, she must be a good person.  We all have history that we're not proud of.  The last thing we need is our in-laws judging us unfairly for them.  I wish you the best of luck. 

[LaurieS]

I can understand the OP's concerns.  If my son went through a bad relationship which ended in divorce and then I saw him going into what I thought was a worse relationship, I would feel a not so nice feeling in the bottom of my stomach. 

The picture painted of this woman was vivid enough to make me think that the ds's new gf really has had an issue with self-respect.  BUT.. isn't your son doing exactly what you raised him to do.. to look past the surface and find what beauty we all have.  Which is obviously more then the rest of your family is capable of doing at this point.  Lead by example ... learn who this woman is first before you pass any judgment or confirm your fears.

The fact that your 37 yo son is getting DUI's etc then he is apparently making some of the poor life choices that you are concerned about with the gf.  While it's possible that they may go off on a path that is less desirable by most, it's also possible that they will become stronger individuals for the sake of the other.  I would feel lucky that he and his gf would even want to come back to a family that he felt had already viewed her as unworthy of being in attendance.

[overwhelmed123]

I agree, Laurie.  And I think she also said he got the DUI by himself- and she was the one who bailed him out.  She didn't have to do that, she could have left him high and dry, but she didn't.  She came to his side.  There's something to be said for that as well.  She can't be blamed for him getting a DUI, that was all him.

[Pen]

Hi all, and welcome Luvpetzall8. I feel your sadness and concern.

It's quite possible the woman in question is a great asset and will be a wonderful life partner. However, the DUI is possibly a symptom of a larger problem - if DS has a problem with alcohol he isn't making clear-headed decisions about his life. Chances are he's not in the best frame of mind to make the best choice, but he is an adult and there's nothing you can do but welcome her, observe her behavior and protect yourself, your family and your finances if you feel the two of them may try to take advantage of you.

Best wishes. It's very difficult to accept and let go in cases like this. My heart goes out to you. I truly hope it will be OK.

[luvpetzall8]

I really want to thank you each and every one....I feel I have found a forum of friends....to bring some specifics to the matter I want to say, my family has been 'close' but not in a smothering, controlling, maniuplative, way.  I appreciate the questions regarding the family dynamics because we all have differences in that way.  I am confident in saying my son is his own man.  Not momma's boy. 

Also, the divorce came about after six years of struggle....my former DIL had some deep seated emotional problems....while being from the same home town, the two of them were military and lived 2,300 miles from us all during the marriage.  As I mentioned earlier, he is a male who is a 'hero'....she needed help he couldn't give.  She did not receive nor desire to seek that help during the marriage, and it dissolved.  It was an amicable break in that there was no anger or bitterness.  In fact, he said he thinks she had "divorced" him six months before the real break.  He said she waited on him to see it was over.  There was no third party or abuses.  I believe he felt a failure b/c he could not 'fix' her.  Her father died when she was nine and her mom had a string of bad relationships....I don't know, I just think he felt his love could bring her comfort and wholeness.....

He started drinking alot after this....his dad, my husband, was very concerned about this.  After the divorce he said "I'm telling you it is not good for him to be up there alone, we need to try to get him closer to home"....so we made random visits the 600 miles to visit...work in the yard with him...go to games, movies, play cards...whatever...from time to time just to keep him buoyed up...he didn't have much of a social circle as he had only lived in the area after getting out of the AF about 1 year when this break up occurred....He had taken an excellent position with a great company and is very successful in this area of his life.

Now this new GF is not simply someone with five children by three different men.....I know we all have stories behind us which have brought us to where we are today...and thankfully we have been moved 'forward' and not remained where we were....But I have serious reservations about 'who' she 'is'....and I do know full well my son is 37 .....I just know you can't fix broken people, and
I guess I just hope that is not what he is trying to do.

The children still see their dad's....I am concerned about the fact that my son is living with her, and these poor kids are watching mom try to find her way yet again with another man....I don't know I just see the whole thing as a mess....But I really do appreciate the encouragement to move beyond these observations and try to build some sort of bridge here....