Wonderful daughter... NOT

[Mama]

My story is long (as are most) so bear with me and please don't judge me...

I come from a very broken home with an abusive stepdad and a complacent mother. My siblings and I all moved out before we reached the age of 17.
Personally, I ran away at 16, had no contact with my parents for 2-3 weeks, one week later my parents were signing papers for me to marry. Had my daughter just after I turned 18, divorced at 19 and married again at 21 and had son. He was dealing drugs and went to jail when my son was 3 weeks old. By the time I was 22, I was divorced. Two years later I followed a boy out of state and married him. I left my daughter with her Dad and Stepmom (she had a young son, both were stable, daughter was happy). Visited her often and wrote almost every day. I was battered and beaten (literally) and left for Michigan with his best friend (who really took care of me during rough times) We kept getting pressure from his family to marry but I missed my family and wasn't ready to do that again. I moved home, met someone and married at 30 (in case you're not counting, that's husband #4). Found out he smoked pot, gave him the option, me or drugs? He chose the latter and said goodbye. I had one live in boyfriend after that (who was an alcoholic and threatened me with physical harm, stole my money) so I left and moved in with my sister.
I have always been employed, moved once a year (or so) until 7 years ago. I met a wonderful man, told him everything and was diagnosed with Bipolar II about a month before our wedding. I gave him an out but he stayed (for unknown reasons).
Daughter was diagnosed with bipolar at 16 after suicide attempt however, has stopped taking meds (long ago) and did not believe that drinking, smoking pot, poor diet and late nights affected her at all. During the last 5 years or so she claims she doesn't have that problem any more because she "fixed it".  Son was diagnosed at the same time I was and works through his bipolar with diet and exercise. He's doing well and is in the military now. I take minimal meds but have been seeing the same therapist for 5 plus years. He has been a tremendous help and I don't know how I managed all these years without him...
I have a great relationship with my son (we've had our fair share of fights, etc.) but for the most part, we are ok. My daughter loves me when I am writing checks, buying her things, bringing her checking account current, etc. The last couple of years have been getting progressively worse.  I am the worst mother ever, a horrible person, disowned and now told to die.
My therapist believes this all stems from "leaving her behind". She refuses to tell my why she's mad at me and will not seek help with me "because therapy doesn't fix everything". Therapist also believes that she won't go with me to fix problem because then she won't be able to blame me for every single thing that goes wrong in her life...
Whew! I feel better! Thanks for allowing me to vent. 

[Pooh]

Welcome Mama and what a challenging history you have had.  Many of us have learned on this website, that we can only take care of and believe in ourselves after our children have become adults and formed their own opinions.  We all make mistakes as parents, but in the end we can only make ourselves happy.  Many of us have also realized that at some point, you figure out they are just using you when they only come around or make themselves availble when they need something.  Find a way to set some boundaries for yourself and her and stop giving her money if she treats you with that much disrespect.  Do something for yourself and those that appreciate you.

[holliberri]

Mama,

I don't know a lot about Bipolar Disorder. Since you yourself have been through something similar, I suppose only you can really understand the risks/downfalls of not taking medication when it is needed for this type of illness.

I am glad your son is working through it the best way he can. I hope your daughter eventually does as well. That must be really hard to watch her do this when you yourself are an example of sorts and she has her brother to follow as well.

[Mama]

Thanks Pooh - such a diplomatic way of saying my past was really f***ed up, LOL.

Believe me, I shut the Mom ATM down long ago. It got to to the point where I would cry because she couldn't scrape together one dollar for a birthday card but while she cried broke to me she would be at a bar with her friends (literally). She chose not to get her step-dad a card for birthday or Fathers day (same week) because her dog needed a new kiddie swimming pool. I have skipped car payments to pay for her airline ticket, wrote checks several times to cover fees, etc. because "the bank keeps messing up" and logging her debits BEFORE her credits... (Yes, it's that ridiculous) I have paid for car parts, cell phone bills, car insurance, medical bills, vet bills, you name it and I've paid for it. I have offered to pay for private medical insurance, college, therapy, etc. But that can't happen because then I'm taking the crutch (excuse) away.

Her dad and I always got along until his wife (now ex) decided that I needed to pay child support. We have always agreed because he made more than double what I did, I would contribute where and when I was able. Now he's divorced, house foreclosed, has 2 DUI's and without a license for at least 6 years now.

I have offered many times for her to stay with us and she always says no because of her 3 dogs (my husband is allergic). I think she says no (again, so she can blame me) and because I have rules in my house. Her dad has never said no to her regardless of the situation. She's always had complete control over him, she knows it and boasts about it. 

I realize that the past is the past and I wasn't a perfect mother. (I don't drink, do drugs, was home every night, and cooked everyday) Going back and changing the past is obviously not an option but I can be the best person/mother/wife going forward.

I always felt guilty for leaving her and she knew it. Now that the bank of Mom is closed, I have managed to pay off my car (a year early) and paid off all my credit cards. I miss her terribly however, I am choosing not to be treated like crap stuck on the bottom of her shoe.  She has the "sense of entitlement" thing going on and is completely narcissistic. I would not buy myself something out of fear that she would grill or chastise me about it.

She has not spoken to me since mid-December but I'm almost relieved somedays (and feel guilty about that too) because she isn't screaming at me and calling me nasty names.

[Mariatobe]

mama - I am afraid for your daughter, and I'm sure you are too.  She sounds like she's in a downward spiral.  She may not know how to fix the problem.  Sounds like she may be using drugs/alcohol and has no control.  Yes, it sounds like she had a hard childhood, but she needs your help more than ever.  Not enabling, but helping.  Have you ever considered a psychiatric hold or intervention?  Has she ever been to a long term rehab facility?  It sounds like she desperately needs some care you can't give her.  I'm afraid and I'm sure you are as well as to what may happen in the future.  She may have to hit bottom, but please talk to al-anon and AA.  I bet they would offer some help as to where to go.  Good luck, I'm thinking of you.

[Mama]

Holli - It's extremely hard, especially since I myself thought I could go on without medication. You just don't want to be "broken" anymore. I sympathize with her, I really do, just not at the expense of my sanity. I have managed to reduce my meds considerably however, not without trial and error and strict diet, sleep, exercise. I have bad moments too, I will exercise everyday for a month and then nothing for the next month. It's a slippery slope but it is manageable.

She's not talking to my son either; he told her on the phone that her behavior would no longer be tolerated and she could speak to me when she was going to be nice and polite. That was a mess! You would have thought the he took that girl by her hair and threw her on the ground. Screaming at the top of her lungs and obscenities that would make you blush, unable to get a word in edgewise and G*d forbid if you hang up... 

I'm laughing as I write this, thinking of the absurdity of it all...   

[Pooh]

Isn't it insane that we feel guilty about feeling relief for not having to deal with the drama?  Doesn't mean we don't still love them and miss them, just the drama.  But then we feel bad about feeling good.  Psssshhhh....we Mothers are so silly.

[Mama]

mama - I am afraid for your daughter, and I'm sure you are too.  She sounds like she's in a downward spiral.  She may not know how to fix the problem.  Sounds like she may be using drugs/alcohol and has no control.  Yes, it sounds like she had a hard childhood, but she needs your help more than ever.  Not enabling, but helping.  Have you ever considered a psychiatric hold or intervention?  Has she ever been to a long term rehab facility?  It sounds like she desperately needs some care you can't give her.  I'm afraid and I'm sure you are as well as to what may happen in the future.  She may have to hit bottom, but please talk to al-anon and AA.  I bet they would offer some help as to where to go.  Good luck, I'm thinking of you.

Mariatobe - I am afraid for her however, nothing I say, do or offer is accepted. She has no health insurance, will not apply for assistance for it and will not accept my help to pay for it. She actually didn't have a hard childhood. Her dad was remarried, she got along with her stepmother and her stepbrother very well. They didn't divorce until 4-5 years ago. As long as she is being enabled she doesn't "need" treatment. She has been in an inpatient facility with follow up outside care. She refuses treatment now (the last 4 years or so) because she has "fixed her problem" and no longer has one. Her dad is an alcoholic and has refused even court ordered treatment. Lead by example, right?

[Mama]

Isn't it insane that we feel guilty about feeling relief for not having to deal with the drama?  Doesn't mean we don't still love them and miss them, just the drama.  But then we feel bad about feeling good.  Psssshhhh....we Mothers are so silly.

Pooh - I could not have said this any better!!! I am relieved that I'm no longer being screamed at but feel guilty because I am not begging her to forgive me. I feel guilty for buying myself things or taking care of myself...

I love her more than life itself and I miss her terribly. She does talk to my mom and my sister so I keep up with her that way. 

[overwhelmed123]

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you, Mama, but stay strong and hang in there!  Treat yourself right.

[jill]

Welcome Mama,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through, but so glad you found us.  There are many wise women here.  I would cherish the relationship you have with your son, and keep the door open for your daughter.  She may come to her senses some day.
I do not miss my odd's lack of phone calls either, I used to dread answering the phone when her number flashed, and usually ended up in tears.  I love her and miss her and wish things were different, but am beginning to accept we will never have  relationship.

[lancaster lady]

Mama:
after your start in life ,it shows how strong you are to be where you are today .
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up today .
And be there for your daughter when she needs you , maybe she doesn't realise this at the moment,
but she will one day .
hopefully  she will understand why you left her ,out of love as I see it .
Wishing you well .

[luise.volta]

Mama - Please do not use abbreviations with ***, if we can figure it out, it is not OK on this site. It is every member's responsibility to read the Agreement under Getting Started on the home page and abide by it. Thanks.

[L]

You have had a tough life and sadly it seems that you have looked for men to solve your problems by all the marriages.  I am not judging you. I myself am on my 3rd marriage.  (my 3rd and I have been married 17 years though)  I was also a bride at 18...I got pregnant and my parents said I had to get married or get an abortion or they would not help me!  Of course I married then it ended before my daughter was even a year old! 

I commend you for admitting you have problems and are seeing a therapist that is very good.  I say this in a supportive way as I can see you have had a very hard life.....I don't think you should be suprised that your daughter feels the way she does as she has had a hard life having a mother that had such problems as you do..and believe me I'm not judging...I myself am on my 3rd marriage like I said.  Divorce affects kids.

I don't think you should expect your daughter to feel completely secure about you because you did leave her and although in your mind you left her with her dad for her to have a stable home, she sees it as you leaving her.  That's normal she would have those feelings.  We can't change how our kids are.  All you can do is love her.  Good luck and hope it gets better. 

[Mama]

Luise - I apologize and did not mean to offend anyone. It won't happen again.

I quit having the pity party for myself many years ago. I have admited fault and aplogized a million times. I accept responsibility but how long does one have to be punished. I get it, I was a terrible mother. All I can do is be a good person going forward. It doesn't mean I get to be the kicking post forever either.

I sent her our new address a week ago... This morning I receive a scathing reply and was chastised for not speaking with her prior to now. So I reply and remind her that she's the one that told me not to contact her and she calls me a liar...

Thank you all for your kind words, I really do appreciate them.